My boyfriend refuses to talk about marriage or the future in general with me. Should I still initiate such conversations?

Question

My boyfriend refuses to talk about marriage but we are both in our late 30s and I really want a serious relationship and marriage. Should I initiate such conversations?

DoggyDude · Accepted Answer

Don't mess about when it comes to long term commitment. What I'd say is, when your in your 20's nerves about marriage and backing off commitment is understandable (your young and you both aren't sure what you actually want, even if your sure you want to be together). However, 25+ a persons position on marriage should be crystalising. Your first port of call is establishing what he sees in his future, independent of whether its with you or not. No guy should be shy about stating how they imagine their future, wanting kids or not? settling down or being an ongoing free spirit with no ties. That's the primary conversation, find out how they see their future, ask them what they dreamed of as a child before you two met, thats a good way to start. Get him comfortable talking about what he's dreamed of for his future, and see how that maps onto what your feeling you want. If he's a good partner he should quickly recipricate asking what your dreams where, if he's a GREAT partner he should pretty much, after learning your dreams and establishing you still have them, start to try to make them come true.

Now, don't push marriage as a conversation in a 'coercing' way. Meaning a common mistake partners make is when they get nervous or worried they push their partners on the 'marriage' question. This is a very bad way to go about it because it makes the person feel presured and when pressured a natrual human reaction is to run away. We dont want to be coerced into our future, or forced down any particular line we want to find our own expression. So, yes, do that, discuss your dreams, find out if they changed, work out how your both seeing the immediate future and any timelines in as fun and zero pressure way as possible.

Then step back, from that topic, assess if you feel he's on the same pages as you, if you feel there's some mismatch, carefully work out what you feel about it, by yourself then discuss how you would feel if your dream isn't happening by whatever timeline your setting yourself. If the converstion is positive, all good give it time, but if you leave it feeling unsupported and not understood, the next conversation should be about your 'what if that doesn't happen' approach (meaning gently pointing out what happens if he can't commit and what you need to do, and be ready for that to lead to either a proposal or a break up).

Best of luck.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

yes men aren't mind readers, you need to state your needs and likely work through the obstacles.

what does he want... and why are the questions as well.

it may be easier to find someone that wants the same thing... if he differs... than try to find the damage/mis programming and repair him.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don’t know how long you have been together, but I’m always in favor of making intentions known early. It saves me from wasting time with someone who doesn’t want the same things in life that I do.
If marriage is the goal of dating for you, let it be known that that is what you are looking for. If marriage isn’t what he is looking for, I would hope that he would make it known to you.

Vesuvius87 · Accepted Answer

He just wants a live-in girlfriend, unlimited sex and cooking services and waste your time. Go ditch him if he's not willing to talk about those topics with you. If anything tell you're not after his money and will sign a prenup without any hesitation if that's the only reason he's so adamant about it. Afterwards ask him if besides that, is there any other reason?

surgent · Answer

Navigating these waters can feel a bit like you're trying to read a map in the dark, right? When your boyfriend zips his lips tight every time the "M" word or anything future-related pops up, it's completely natural to feel a swirl of emotions. You're essentially trying to figure out if you both are dreaming of the same kind of future or if you're silently hoping for different endings.

Honestly, it's perfectly fine to bring up these conversations. Think of it less like you're trying to corner him into a commitment and more like you're both painting a picture of what could be. It's not about the pressure but about understanding and sharing what each of you wants and dreams about.

Ease into it, maybe start with something light and fun that's future-related but not as heavy as marriage. It's a subtle way to signal that talking about the future doesn't have to be a big deal or scary.

It's not just because society says so or because you're supposed to at this stage in your relationship. It's because you genuinely want to know if you both see yourselves sharing a path down the line. Be sure to listen to him as well; his perspective is key, and understanding his hesitations or dreams is part of navigating this together.

If he's still putting up walls, there's probably more going on under the surface. It could be anything from past baggage to not feeling ready, and that's okay. But understanding why can help both of you address it together and find a way to communicate more openly.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Apparently, he does not want marriage. Do you really want a husband who doesn't want a wife? It's time to find a better boyfriend.

coachTanthony · Answer

Not sure how long you been together but hopefully it wasn't too long because this is unacceptable. Move on if you're not aligned.

sheikalana · Answer

You shouldn't stick to a person or relationship if they do not have the same expectations as you. The fact that he refuses to address certain things tells me he's a selfish person. Any women especially women in their 30s should never entertain those type of people. Don't ever put your plans on hold because someone can't make up their mind.

JacobJordan · Answer

Most guys are not going to risk a marriage while women are incentivized to divorce. If you want a marriage you either need to have a form drawn up stating that you will get absolutely nothing if a divorce happens for any reason or you need to get married and not file the paperwork with the state/government.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

Not enough context, how long have you been together? If it is more than a year, I hate to give you the bad news, but he is not going to marry you. And if he is it is not going to be good marriage, maybe he can be pressured into it. Less than 6 months. I wouldn't worry at all, but over 6 months I would start to worry, more than a year. I would definitely worry.

boggboss · Answer

If he refuses clearly u will have to bring it up if its somthing he still won't talk about u will have to accept their is most likely a reason he won't have those conversations with u and its probably that u won't like the answers he has about them

LonerInLife · Answer

You failed to mention how long you have been together. To me if you have been dating or in a relationship for less than 2 years, I feel it’s too early to talk about marriage regardless of age.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

Might be too early but You can’t force it, but just leave it at that or you can say, “I know thinking or hearing about it makes you feel uneasy, but I would like for us to have a chance to discuss the direction of where we are heading.”

RingOfFire · Answer

If that's your goal it sounds like you are wasting your time. If you have already tried for a reasonable period of time and he has not shown any interest, you probably need to move on if you want more out of a relationship.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Without knowing your exact situation, all I can do is give general advice. If a guy is already getting all of the benefits of marriage without the official and legal commitment, he is not likely to commit.

lorenzomichael · Answer

You have to understand some people just aren't cut out for marriage. He's avoiding talking about it for some reason or another. Just come out and ask him, "Do you ever want to get married with me or with somebody else? "See what he tells you.

jshm2 · Answer

To be honest, he's not buying what you're offering and would rather keep the "lease" instead.

slatyb · Answer

Of course you should. If you can't talk to him about important topics, it's not much of a partnership.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes but if he is refusing to talk about it, be prepared for him to shut it down. If he is not willing to talk about it then it may be time to move on from your relationship with him.

strateguy632 · Answer

don't bother, you know he doesn't want that.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

Yes. If we refuses to even consider the prospect of long term commitment that's a red flag. To lack any kind of emotional maturity to have such conversations at your age is strange

Anonymous · Answer

This is a tough one because I understand your desire as a woman to get married and settle down, but I also understand him, as a man in this day and age, not wanting anything to do with marriage.

loveslongnails · Answer

No, you should find another man. You're already 38 and he's not interested in even having a discussion, so show him the door.

Booklover_90 · Answer

You two obviously want different things. Maybe he doesn’t want to get married.

MrDaveAPSI · Answer

marriage, by definition, is technically not necessary religion, and the state tells us it is, but, it really isn't

Anonymous · Answer

that technically means he refuses to marry you. so don't bother.

whistlingwh0res · Answer

well not being married is common these days. if you really really really want to marry him you should really really really love him?

LazerBean · Answer

No need to talk about it, just move on

HelpfulWoman · Answer

honestly a red flag there.

Anonymous · Answer

Dump his time-wasting ass.

OtterMan68 · Answer

yes, if it's important to you!

jahaims · Answer

That should be discussed prior to getting serious

SolitarySolace · Answer

Men are waking up

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Dump him.

My boyfriend refuses to talk about marriage or the future in general with me. Should I still initiate such conversations?

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My boyfriend always avoids questions about our future together. What should I do?

My boyfriend refuses to talk about marriage or the future in general with me. Should I still initiate such conversations?

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My boyfriend always avoids questions about our future together. What should I do?

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