Why is it unacceptable for guys to have standards?

Question

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she was getting fat. I am a monster right? My family and some of my lost friends seem to think so. Even though I go to gym and keep myself in shape it's unacceptable to expect her to do the same. Why? I have seen some of my friends getting rejected for being short and another said he was laughed at for his 5.5 inch penis (which is average by the way). Why is it only acceptable for women to have standards and not men? This really makes me think that the mgtow crowd has a point. End of rant I guess, still extremely frustrating

StarsInTheEyes · Accepted Answer

I think that even though you should love a person for the way they are, it is okay to let them know that they need to change if they're jeopardizing their health. I think that you could express your concern that you don't want her to keep gaining weight because it'll be harmful to her cardiovascular health. However, I don't know what your definition of "fat" is, so I can't comment on your requirement, although it is okay to let her know that she needs to manage her health, but do assure her that she still looks good in your eyes, so that it does not bring her confidence down.

My boyfriend is 5'6" and I used to think that I "needed" a tall guy to feel secure, but when I started building good connection with him and started dating him, I learned that height has nothing to do with sense of security. However, I love working out, I need a significant other who has the same interest as I do, because I don't want to be the only person excited about my gains, or not being able to discuss fitness with my SO. I do *need* someone who knows as much as I do, and better, who knows more than I do. Someone who can pick on my forms (not that I have bad forms!), tell me about creatine and BCAAs, plan my workout to see different results than what I've done.

I think the examples you've given, the height and penis size, they're all fine... I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend though even if he was unemployed; rather, I'd help him search for jobs as if I was the one needing a job, which I've done... Read the job requirements, etc. and forward him the links. Success isn't a given. It requires hard work, so we build it together.

Men and women both have preferences so it's okay, as long as it's not too unreasonable.

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

you're young and while its not exactly the formula for the forever kind of relationship (obviously) its relatively valid.
I guess the one problem I have with it as opposed to examples you've stated against your friends is that the discrimination is about something they can't change. Like it sucks to be discriminated against for arbitrary criteria but the beauty of it is that you can't change it. The thing about weight, is that weight is so easily internalized because it is something that you can change about yourself (within reason). I think its hard because there's this added expectation that you aren't enough, and you HAVE to try to be better vs. you aren't enough and you can't do anything so that person is a piece of shit for expecting something "logically inconclusive." The "logical conclusion to gaining weight it to change" but i think it's much harder to "change a lifestyle that gradually made you heavier" at the expense of your self esteem. your friends can walk away knowing they were logically in the right and this girl may or may not walk away with lower body issues because she had an arbitrary condition on love that she didn't measure up to.
Since you broke up its not your problem anymore but i guess thats just how the two instances of discrimination are internalized differently.

silvermoon84 · Accepted Answer

Yes you definitely are an absolute monster lol! I’m kidding😊

In all seriousness, it depends really. If you just dumped her out of the blue without talking to her then yeah that was kinda douchey but if you talked to her and tried to motivate her and work out with her and she made it clear that she didn’t care, it’s on her.

I’m an overweight woman. I’ve lost forty pounds since last year and still have more to lose, but I’ve been hit on and approached from all angles since I’ve lost the weight, so I know my weight was a deterrent for most men and that’s okay. You like what you like. I would date an overweight man. I would not date a morbidly obese man

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I told my boyfriend to let me go if I let myself go. It’s pretty fair I believe

Dause · Accepted Answer

If you did so the instant you noticed it, yeah that's pretty awful dude. There is a reason why they say to stick by people in hard times. All is fair in love and war, you can dump someone without any particular reason and that's your business. Just how the world is today.

It is totally normal to hold someone you date up to the same standards as yourself. It is idiotic to think anyone is capable of holding themselves to their own standards 100% of the time though. If you pointed it out a few times in a softer way (albeit maybe there is no soft way to do so) and she refused to compromise or try to meet those standards, then it would be more acceptable.

If she just has an unhealthy lifestyle, it is pretty unlikely to work, especially if she can't motivate herself. If the girl is making earnest efforts though, those are bound to show results. If you actually liked her, your a complete fool for not trying first as it could have been resolved more easily like that. I kinda doubt you did like her much if you weren't even stressed enough over it to think about something that obvious though.

DavidVertex · Accepted Answer

If a man lost his job through no fault of his own nobody would blame a woman for leaving because he can't provide the same lifestyle. A man is accustomed to fucking an attractive body but then the girl knowingly let's herself go and you leave because she's not providing the hot body anymore and now you're an asshole.

englisc · Answer

Because people often don't like to be held to any standards. The people who get most angry at any of these standards are people who either don't fit them, or maybe think that one day they won't fit them.

The women who get the most angry over guys leaving overweight girlfriends are women who think that one day they might get overweight and they won't have the willpower to fix their diets and exercise to fix it. They'd rather tell you that you're an asshole for leaving such a person and discourage that behaviour.

It's best to make it clear in the first place. I've left an ex before for exactly the same reason. It's one thing if the girl has some kind of medical problem that makes her gain weight/unable to lose weight, and when you get older you gain weight anyway. Leaving such a woman would make you an asshole because that's not her fault. But a young girl who is overweight because she can't be bothered to eat right and exercise is only overweight because she's lazy? Fuck that.

You should want to stay attractive to your partner, but these kinds of women are so entitled because they've been taught that a guy who really loves them will stay no matter what. I've always been clear about this with my girlfriend and I asked her if she'd leave if I blew up in weight to which she said no, but I'd never get that way in the first place. I don't know how people (without a medical condition) can be so lazy to allow that to happen.

Anonymous · Answer

The fat thing gets to a lot of people because on average most people gain weight as they age and hearing some random dude talking about dumping a girl for weight gain is the biggest confirmation of their fear that there partner would leave them as they get older and naturally have a more difficult time getting the weight off. Men are definitely allowed to have standards but seeing as women tend to have a harder time managing weight gain as they age rejecting a women over this is a huge trigger for a lot of women. A lot of people (especially women) like to see physical attraction as a doorway to a deeper connection that would keep things together even if physical attraction was lost. It’s a dream for unshakable relationship security. But you’ve pretty much taken that dream and said if you start looking fat, old, disabled, or just slightly unappealing to me everything you’ve placed your hopes on is meaningless to me. Women aren’t terrified by men having standards. Women are terrified about men having standards that may be realistically impossible for for them to meet and maintain. It’s difficult to see anything wrong with this fear. You’re not a monster in my book but you’re definitely not the type of person who’d make a person feel appreciated and secure.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't think it's so much about having standards but more so how much you support you SO. I mean wasn't fat when you started dating her but she got fat when you were dating her. If you are willing to walk away from your SO because they gained wait it just shows it wouldn't take much for you to walk away from them if it was something more serious. What if they got seriously sick? It's not that you have standards, it's that you are shallow. If you are willing to leave someone who you are supposed to care about because of their appearance then it just shows that you never actually cared about them as a person. Just liked them for their looks. That being said there could be more to it. You could try to get them to put more an effort in. It could be because you feel they aren't trying to put an effort into themselves or their own health. It could be because hour sex life is struggling because of sexual attraction due to appearance. But to dump your girlfriend solely because she gained weight, and that is the reason you gave, it just shows that you are shallow.

Salsacumbia · Answer

Hey, you got your standards, but also i hope you consider the fact why she got fatter, like was she on medication, just got lazy and just who cares about herself and such... but if just lazy doesn't want to do what you do as being fit, then i could see the reason and thats you being a human being... but if it had to do for good reason she suddenly got fat, then thats being very shallow in your part. But its up to you to be happy and who you are with bc a person isn't happy with his partner if there's no attraction or have things in common.

yucychan · Answer

I think everyone has their own standards when it comes to relationships and it would be unfair and hypocritical of me if I were to judge you on your standards. I guess her being fat and not wanting to do anything about it really gets to you, which is why you felt this relationship is pointless. Especially, when neither of you are willing to compromise.

I sincerely hope that in your next relationship, your girlfriend and you can share the same values, with both parties willing to work things out.

AlienParasite · Answer

I can't say I have an exact standard. I'm sexually attracted or not. And if I don't feel the attraction I won't feel like having sex and will lose interest in that person. So I would tell the person what is happening, and if I can't feel attracted again then I said this was happening so wouldn't be a surprise... And I'm not going to have sex with someone I don't want to fuck.

I feel that nobody guy or girl should be forced to stay with someone they liked in the past if they don't like that parson anymore for whatever reason.

However we should be careful about how we express ourselves, I mean you don't really reject a person because that person is fat, but because that person doesn't attracts you.

johanmdsn · Answer

In short, yes you are a dickhead BUT then again it depends. Did you break up with her purely because she was getting fat and hence becoming less attractive physically? Or did you break up with her because of her character which has something to do with her getting fat? For example, the reason why she is getting fatter is because of her poor habits, eating unhealthy food not taking care of her body and being extremely lazy/careless which are unattractive in a person to sit around eat and not take care of herself. If thats the case then no you are not an ass but you should help her improve herself rather than break it off if you truly love her. Either way fat or not if you love the girl you wouldn't break it up because of her fatness unless there were serious underlying unattractive habits/or her character that is making her fat which has put you off.

NatashaJ · Answer

Um here the problem with men like you, you are too rude about it. It's completely different if you said it in the polite way like "I am just being honest I don't want to hurt your feelings I already know I sound horrible but I lost attraction to you because you gain weight" and the way you talk in this question makes me think you said it in an offensive way which is why even your family is giving you shit for it. Maybe reflect and own up if you been an asshole about your ex if really the only reason you left for was her weight you should at least have some respect for her she didn't cheat on you, stole money, abuse you.

Jaydine20 · Answer

No. Only fat people will say you are a monster. It is completely reasonable to have standards. As human beings, we have to first be attracted to someone before other feelings and emotions come into play. If you loose that attraction, the relationship will suffer as a result. Anyone who says personality is all that matters is bullshit, and doesn’t have standards themselves. Those are people with low self esteem. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but attraction always matters. Your girlfriend should have taken better care of herself. Maybe you should have suggested that you two go to the gym together, as that is something my boyfriend and I do. If she was completely against any type of change and just let herself go, then all power to you.

BarbieSoFetch · Answer

I think it has to do with the harsh reality girls live when it comes to beauty standards and pressures, because realistically they are WAY harder on women. It's just a muggy thing in general to breakup with someone because of their changing physical appearance. The truth is, looks don't last forever and you're clearly not in it for her as a person.

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

These are all equally shallow, shortsighted, and immoral reasons to abandon someone - especially a spouse!

I don't condone what you did, but her reason for not going along, the way you worded it, makes it sound like she is more concerned about power structure than anything else. Which makes her a dangerous catch for any man. Any woman that antagonistic due to needing to have all the power in a relationship is toxic.

That's your real issue: caring each only about self interest, and being unwilling to compromise for any sort of greater good. Both too proud.

As for women who abandon a man over his job: they're even worse.

I tell women: if you cannot love me when I have nothing, you don't love me when I'm rich either.

This makes them sneer and walk away. Good riddance. They'll either find another sucker, or be caught shoplifting in a month, knowing my history with women. Either way, they're someone else's problem now.

coralee · Answer

I believe in having standards as long as they are standards that you maintain yourself and they are reasonable but that is during the early dating process. I find it hard to process someone falling out of love with someone over something as inconsequential as weight gain. I wanted a fit boyfriend when I was single if my current boyfriend gained weight I wouldn’t care I’m in love with who he is as a person. I’d also be curious to know if she’s actually letting herself go or if your turned off by the aging process. I was a size 0 when I was 19 but come 25 the lowest my body would go healthily was a size 4.

Shezadi · Answer

how would you feel if your father broke with your mom for getting fat, what if a guy breaks your sister's heart for gaining weight, what if your son-in-law breaks your daughter's heart just for gaining weight? This means you never loved her for her beautiful soul, heart, mind and personality. She is still the same person. Women become fat after giving birth to children also. Why are turning this into a gender debate just to make yourself feel better? There is a difference between girls and boys, and between every individual. Having standards before getting in a relationship is one thing but breaking up is completely different.

HorrorFan · Answer

I'm sure it sucks for people to be rejected in the way that your friends did, but at least it's generally a barrier for immediate entry and doesn't usually lead to actual hurt feelings and emotions, so it's easy to move on from.

You dated this girl, though. Beyond that, weight is a changeable thing. If you truly cared about this girl, I hope that you did all you could to bring up your issues through proper communication and actually encouraged her properly to lose the weight before you did what you did.

Neckcheek · Answer

I would think that is a tad hurtful, but it depends entirely on the nature of your relationship. If you were very serious and you both really loved each other, it is bad. However, if it was mainly physical and sexual, it is alright, as that purpose will not be fulfilled if you are not attracted to her anymore.

Alice2398 · Answer

Depends in your situation. If she was extremely over weight to the point of it being a risk to her health and she wasn't willing to change, I can see why. I've had family members who are over weight and who are constantly in hospital because of it and my grandmother died due to having a unhealthy lifestyle. I understand how difficult and painful it is when you love someone and their putting their life at risk in that way and don't care to change their ways. But it's just purely she's put on a bit of weight and now I don't find her attractive, I see why people would see that as cruel.

In general I don't think there's anything wrong for men to have standards as long as there reasonble. Wish more men did to be honest most I know would shag anything with a pulse

TayTay21 · Answer

There isn't anything wrong with having standards. I am a fitness nut who gets upset if my weight goes above 127, so I get it. I would dump my boyfriend if I was ever able to squat or bench press more than him lol. But what seems cheap about what you described is that if you love someone, you don't just dump them off for gaining some weight. Now, it's okay to encourage them to get in shape and even prod them strongly. But you clearly weren't that emotionally invested in her if some extra weight ended it.

stardust96420 · Answer

I don't think you love her if your that focused on looks to be honest. My man could loose everything, his looks, his job, everything and I would still love him with every part of me. Would you feel the same if she was pregnant with your child? Because that makes women gain weight. Or chemo? That can cause you loose weight, I'm assuming you would be uncomfortable with someone "too skinny" also. Life is too short to be worrying about stuff like that, the right girl will teach that love is not about appearances.

MittenstheGlove · Answer

I don’t knock you at all for your decision. Your happiness comes before anyone else.

I’m 5’7”. Whenever a girl says I want a man 6’+ it hurts. I’m talking to a woman who’s 6’.

She makes me happy. I’ve dated short women and enjoyed their company all the same.

I’ve dated plump women too, but don’t you think that weight is distributed the same in everyone.

Weight though, a lot of people can change weight. If you CHOOSE not to, you’ll get no sympathy from me.

To be honest, my ex put on nearly 70 pounds. Met her at 140 she and I went to work out and I told her that my regimen is pretty difficulty. So for the last 30 minutes I had to slow down for her. I suggested maybe she should find something easier and got offended. The weight started the downward spiral.

Now the difference between my mother and father is children. Babies can cause irreparable damage to the female body, if you leave a woman because she had your kid and is suffering from that, then we have a problem.

Anonymous · Answer

No one said it was unacceptable, although, surely you didn’t love her in the first place because if you got to know her when she was thinner and you loved who she was why would you dump her due to her physical state changing a bit, why didn’t you just motivate her and go to the gym with her. Men have plenty more standards than just the ones you stated as well, for example: long hair, long legs, nice eyes, lips, they need to be slim, but also thick with bum and boobs, their boobs have to be perky but not tiny, their bum has to be bouncy and tense but not muscley, they must look natural but not ugly so have to try get their make up to match these ideas, they must be shaved everywhere from the neck down, also tanned, they gotta have a tight vagina but not too tight you can’t fit a dick in it, they gotta constantly smell good and have a vagina that does so too. So before you start with the men can’t have standards stfu and look at society for a second

Why is it unacceptable for guys to have standards?

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