How Do You Move On From This Pain?

[Anonymous]

Warning: this is kind of a long story because it requires all the details. I know people on this site don't do well with long stories so if you can't or don't want to read it that's okay. Hopefully some others will follow through with me and help me out.

After experiencing it myself, I know now what it feels like to be truly heart-broken. I know what all the love songs are saying now. I can identify with the lyrics. I can understand now the real hurt of someone letting you go.

For 2 years I grew to know a woman I initially met on Google, and it's all just about ended recently. When we met, it wasn't even a relationship thing. I didn't quite like her like that, and I don't think she quite liked me like that either. We just started chatting after she commented on something I wrote, that I curiously can't remember what it ever was now. We became just online buddies. Talking and sharing pictures and experiences. She was attractive, but I didn't really think of her in a sexual or romantic way. She was a romantic. A single mom of 2 kids. Both of us in our 30s but she is a little older. A woman who has felt so lonely and hopeless about her life.

So it went on from there. At one point we both hadn't talked to each other in a long while because of things going on in our lives, until one day I wanted to shoot her an email just asking how she was doing. She was surprised that I remembered her, and she gave me her number and asked for mine if I ever wanted to text sometimes. I thought on it a little bit first, because I don't usually like giving my phone number to people I meet online, even if we are somewhat friendly, and I still did not know her 100% well yet. But I said, "Ah what the hell," and I replied back with my number. Some days later I texted her a hello and a well wishes, and she answered back, glad to hear from me.

She still didn't talk a lot at first like she used to because of things going on on her end. But the times we did text, she asked if she could call me sometimes, and although I was still wary of it, I did tell her yes. So one night last summer I decided to call her, just to take the leap and hear her voice. Keep in mind that I still did not have any romantic feelings for her yet at this point and she did not have any romantic feelings for me either, we were just friends. I was nervous as the phone rang, and when she finally answered her voice was beautiful. It was absolutely NOT what I thought it would sound like based on what she looked like. She was so thrilled to hear from me, and I liked hearing her. We talked almost until midnight, catching up on things. She'd lost her job since we last talked heavily and was looking for another one, but worried about her kids and having money.

We talked on the phone a few times more after that, getting deeper with things than we did by text or email, being able to communicate in full much more. We were already of like minds in so many areas. It felt good. And my heart went out to her because of her situation. I could relate to many of her pains. We both had the same mindsets about relationships, that we wanted it to be with the right person and not to just get involved with anyone in an instant.

Then later when I got a new phone we texted pretty regularly and sent photos again. We talked almost every day. I liked having her as a friend like no other I'd ever met from the Internet, but by now I didn't see her as just an Internet buddy anymore. It was like something more beginning to happen. And it did. Somehow my heart started having feelings for her in a way that wasn't there before. I began to like her deeply. I didn't tell her this right away. But one night while we talked I finally told her how I like her as a friend but that I also think I love her too. She said she seemed confused by this, thinking that we were just friends. And I told her we were friends, but that I think I like her as someone more too. And then she admitted herself that she had those same feelings about me too from time to time.

To make the rest of this story short, from there we went on to still being cautious with each other about love, especially with how she said she'd been hurt more than once in the past and didn't want to lose me as a friend or a lover. And then from there we went on to being much more open about our feelings towards each other. She worried sometimes that I would lose interest in her and move on, but I told her I didn't have any plans of doing so. We even started messaging and video chatting through Facebook and she looked better in person than her pictures. We started seriously talking about meeting up some day and I even began planning the trip to go out to her state and see her first.

Then a few weekends ago she shook my whole world. She'd gotten a new job and was moving into a new place with her kids and said she was busy and couldn't talk until the weekend, so I waited to hear from her then, excited about her good news. She got back to me alright on Facebook. Suddenly said she loves me as a friend but doesn't want a romantic relationship with me anymore. Then blocked me there and blocked my phone number. No explanation for why. I helplessly tried to break through all day. It made me sick. My whole world was turned upside down. I could hardly eat or sleep for 3 days. I worried that it was because she now loved someone else. I even sent her a letter in the mail hoping she'd read it.

My friends told me to give her some time, that she would come around. And she did when I saw on the 4th day that she unblocked me on Facebook. We talked a few times after that but not much because she was still busy, and I didn't have the chance to ask her what that was all about until later when I blocked my number to call her so she wouldn't know who it was so I could leave a message. She called me right back and said she didn't know what she was thinking, that she was so depressed and when she gets so depressed like that she just goes dark. So then I asked her to be honest with me, if she loved someone else. She wouldn't be entirely straight with me but finally admitted that she did have SOME feelings for an old co-worker of hers from her last job, who told her he was interested in her but she said she didn't like him like that, but now had SOME feelings for him. But wasn't sure how she felt about either of us at the moment because of how she felt about herself.

The letdown

But as we started talking more again our feelings reconnected and she loved me like before. Or so I thought. Last weekend she got quiet with me again. She didn't block me but wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. And I knew it had to be about this guy. And it was. The next morning I woke up and went on her Facebook page and found that she changed her profile photo to one with the two of them hugging in it. My heart was shattered and I was sick again. I tried to call and message her on Facebook several more times and she still wouldn't answer. She was active on her page but completely ignoring me.

I messaged her one last time that night telling her she was hiding from me and needed to admit it. At midnight my phone buzzes from a Messanger text. It's her admitting that she was hiding, saying she didn't know what to tell me, that she loves this other guy now. I told her she wasn't honest with me. I told her she's known me for 2 years but only knew this guy as a co-worker that she didn't even associate with a whole lot, now she suddenly loves him. She said sorry but that she moved on and I needed to too. I was utterly broken. And angry. I told her how much she was the one who worried that I would leave her and hurt her, and here she is the one who did it to me. She said hate her if I must but that we could still be friends, take it or leave it, and said she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I was sick. I could not sleep that night. I lost all appetite worse than the first time but forced myself to eat small things throughout the last few days. Being busy at work helps to ease the pain some but it's still there. She messaged me yesterday asking how I was doing and said we could still be friends as long as I saw her as one. I reply to her messages but don't say much about her new guy, even though I'm about to tell her what I really think but waiting until I have her full attention. I think she also does feel wrong about it but won't admit it.

How do I move on from this?

Although I still have the hurt it's beginning to ease some. It makes no sense to me what happened. Here I was the guy she knew and connected with for 2 years, who she herself said knew more about her and her past than most other people did and even her own diary. I sat through all her tears and sad moments on the phone. Cheered her victories when she got a better job and got a new apartment. Consoled her through her troubles, especially with her anxiety and depression that she gets. And then in the blink of an eye she chooses a man she hasn't even known very long or as well just because he's immediately there and she's desperate to jump into a relationship.

My heart is sick from this. I admit that I've never been a proponent of long-distance or online relationships, but we grew into something more real than that. And I know she's in another state but I was actually planning on going out to see her later this spring and we had talked about it. Now it's all over. She's just cut me out of her life as a lover. And I do feel that pain like all the songs talk about. How everything makes you think of her. How you feel left alone while this person is moving on. With no shame. No regret. It's shocking. I've heard stories like this from other guys but have never experienced it for myself until now, and it certainly is a kind of pain all of its own.

I've known many females in my life, but never actually cared about a woman like I came to care about her and love her in such an intense way. I thought I'd finally found my perfect match. And although she has kids I grew to overlook that, even becoming open to wanting to be apart of their lives and get to know them.

How can I let go? How can I move on from this terrible pain? Even now my heart is still stuck to her even though it shouldn't be, and I have that feeling like I don't want anyone else but her ever in my life. How can I heal from this hurt?

[xHoneyxBeex]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. 😞 Heartbreak is one of the worst kinds of pain there is. This is all still fresh for you so I know nothing anyone says will truly make you feel better. But I will still try to help and put things into perspective. While you are understandably very hurt right now, this pain is temporary. I've experienced heartbreak before, from different circumstances, but it always hurts. Many people have been there and I can tell you, the only thing that helps is time.

For the first few weeks, you will feel pain. Everything will remind you of her. You may cycle through a million emotions such as confusion, regret, bitterness, anger, sadness, etc. Some days will be worse than others. However, you just have to keep living your life. Honestly, cutting that person off also helps. Trying to continue to remain friends will only keep the pain around longer. Focus on other things. Go out and do something. Stay busy. At first you may just be moving through the motions but eventually you will wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much now as it once did. You'll realize that you haven't thought about her in a while. You won't be angry or sad anymore but instead you will feel like you have moved on, wiped the slate clean, and will be able to love again.

In my situation, I was with my last boyfriend for several years, he cheated on me multiple times and for so long I didn't have the courage or confidence to leave even though I was hurting so much and so unhappy. Finally, I just did it. I ended the relationship and yes, it hurt... a LOT. Even though I was the one who ended it, I was still heartbroken that the relationship had failed and sad for what I allowed him to put me through. I thought I would never be able to move on or find someone who would genuinely love me and who I could love too. I moped around for while but then decided to make myself move on so I tried to stay busy. I spent time with my family and friends, people who I knew loved me and cared about me.

Then my current boyfriend came into my life and I couldn't have asked for a better guy. He is truly so amazing in so many ways and it makes me wonder why I ever felt like I wouldn't be able to love again. And that will happen for you too. You just have to push through the pain right now but you will move on and you will find a great person someday who won't see you as just another option, but instead will WANT you in her life. ❤️

[xHoneyxBeex]

P. S. Sorry this was so long. I sometimes go into too many details and tend to ramble, but I hope you found something useful in it.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you. You're right, it does seem like nothing will help but I know I have to let go, and it kills me. And it kills me to know that eventually more pics of them together will show up on her FB page. A future without her feels like death.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Honestly, the best thing I can recommend is to step back. Maybe eventually you can become friends and it will be okay but right now, that will probably do more harm than good. Don't look at her Facebook page, don't contact her, just focus on yourself right now and trying to move on.

[VictoriousSausage]

I might be able to help you here, because although i'm younger than you, i've run across a similar sort of girl, and i'm currently going through this. Your best solution is to try and cut yourself off completely and try and look after yourself, don't be afraid to cry it out though, don't be afraid to vent your anger, be honest with yourself about your feelings, watch a sad film, listen to sad music, use methods of catharsis to release the emotions pent up inside. it's a really shit situation, and i'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, and i'm sorry it say it's likely to take a few months before it wears off. I'm still not over the girl who shook my world last year, she dumped me on new years day, but trust me, look after yourself, and when you feel ready, start looking around again, don't be afraid to have fun once you've started to let her go, it is hard to hear but eventually you will, don't be afraid to treat yourself, go to bars, talk to people, be with your friends and tell them how you're feeling too, because they'll be able to help you through this. I really wish you all the best, and i hope you start feeling better soon.

[myTake Owner]

Thanks, man.

[mistixs]

typically what heals me is finding someone new

[JudgmentDay]

Relax, you'll be fine. Don't dwell on it. Whatever had happened had already happened, you can't alter or change the past no matter how much you wish you could. Attachments, emotional attachments happen the more time you spend with someone. It's hard to let go, but you'll realize it's indeed that nothing stays exactly the same forever.

Loss in unavoidable in not inevitable. Try to treat it as if there was something that you ever held onto and hold importance to that you can't simply replace but it's lost, broken, destroyed and completely gone and no longer in your possession, then what do you do? What would you do? What are you willing to do? Let's pretend as if you lost something really expensive and valuable such as your own house or car for example? Then what would you do? Sure you can collect any insurance you put on them, but what if you didn't, then what?

But in relationships, there are absolutely NO insurance whatsoever, and that if the relationship ends in some way that you don't want or like how it ends that you won't and can't be hurt, simply because there really are NO ABSOLUTE GUARANTEES what the outcome of that relationship will be.

Or how bout if it was going to be someone you really cared or loved and was dying or had already died? Then what? Can't dwell on it, because when their time is up, they're gone, forever. You can't bring back your dead loved ones. They're only part of your memories and experiences now.

The only thing left to do is move forward, as you can't take a Delorean and go back and try and fix or change what you thought you should have done or could have done to change the outcome of your relationship and experience.

It takes time to heal. Don't think about her too much or at all anymore. Delete every photo picture, video, etc. of her and you and disconnect from her from things such as social media, etc. Better of to keep those memories vaguer and let them fade slowly.

My point is, sometimes there are just things that are completely beyond our control and it's just as simple as that. You can't control how other people think, feel, see things, or act. You only have control over how YOU feel, think, see things, and your OWN actions.

And once you realize this, it makes things easier. Focus on what you actually HAVE control over, and figure out what exactly is it that you WANT to do and what you are WILLING to do that will allow you to heal and cope with your current unhappy experiences, besides drinking, etc.

[DaniaMQ]

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you :( I'm in an online relationship rn, 2 others before failed. So I can relate to it. In my previous online thing, I had already been hurt before it. So that second guy promised he won't do the same. He promised he will stay and he said he would never leave me and he can't imagine his life without me in it. Plans were made and he'd say that he will come visit. I fell for him *AT THAT TIME*, and I trusted him. The worse is that he was leading me on for a whole month. Thank god the thing we had didn't last for more than 8 months. But, when there was only less than a month left for him to visit (supposedly). He called me and broke up with me, saying that he can't do it anymore and "dont you get it? Its me not you" (yea, typical excuse lol). And, at the beginning I was totally shattered. I felt so sad and heart broken. How i moved on? 2 important things. #1 you MUST accept reality. Its over. She was a b**** (sorry for the word but she deserves it) and she did what she did. You deserve someone way better. Someone who appreciates all that. #2 time. Yup, its kinda not the best to, say but its the truth. Time will heal you and it will, make you wiser. And also, you WILL find someone good. Now in so grateful my ex left me coz that led me to the guy in with right now who i wouldn't change anyone/anything for, ever. And he's perfect. So, be positive, you WILL find a better person for yourself. And stay strong, you will get through this :))

[myTake Owner]

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Once you truly love someone it's very very hard to let go. You can never really forget that there once was this amazing person you shared a great connection with and you have this heavy pain in your heart that somehow tries to tear you apart more and more each day. Songs and movies of any kind don't have the same meaning whatsoever like before and always will remind you of that one special person you once had.

Don't beat yourself up to much about it. Cherrish the moments you once had with her, keep her in your memory in a positive way. Live your life to fullest, I know it's not easy but that's why you have friends. Good luck and keep your head up no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I've been here. I've fallen for the wrong guy and had my heart broken in pieces. It still is to this day the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, I still think about this guy on a consistent basis. I have never cared so much about a guy than I did about this guy and I don't think I'll ever meet a guy who will have the same effect on me as he did. I still do t really know how to cope with the heart break, but I gradually got better by keeping myself busy and seeing other people.

[honeyltsme]

Exactly what was the basis for your love? Pix and chitchat? You do realize how transferable those are - I mean there's literally millions of people of comparable ages for each of you, who look similarly and would make a similar chitchat.

No wonder it fell apart when there was someone else in the picture who had a slightly greater access to her. Find. someone. special. And to be able to do that, be. someone. special.

[spoonman2014]

Take sometime off from the ladies and get your confidence back, analyze everything about it, what went right and what went wrong. You'll feel so much better I promise

[sp33d]

People don't read it, because the same story has been posted here for god-knows how many times. She apparently loves someone else, now. Whether it makes sense or not doesn't matter.

A thing you should work on is Not blaming her for what happened. Yeah, she sounds like an indecisive brat, who cares, there are another 1000 out there just like her, big deal.

Become bitter or don't, your call. Cut contact with her, for obviously you Can't see her as a friend. And why would you?

[HOAAH]

you need to realize that yes it is painful when someone rejects you but you know what? Just because they don't find you "romantic" or as someone they want to spend with all their life, it's ok because you are still an awesome person. good luck

[John_Doesnt]

Women close their eyes during sex because they can't stand to see a man happy. Women love your suffering and this is just a medical-science fact.

[Anonymous]

when will people learn how to distinguish love from passion?

[myTake Owner]

You mean I don't have love?

[independentman]

Write everything on a paper and burn it, simple