Relationships

Jealousy - What Creates This Complex Feeling?

Everyone of us, even if we haven't felt it ourselves, has read or seen what jealousy looks like and what it does to a person. The common definition says: "Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation". It says what we feel but not why we feel it. So, I take the liberty of shedding some light on the topic.

The portrayal of jealousy in the media is terribly damaging to this, oh so necessary, emotion. So, let me present to you again - Jealousy - a feeling that informs us about what needs we have still unsecured.

I can already see the surprise. Some of you are surely muttering, "it's BS". Some may stop reading at this point. Let me explain, please.

distracted boyfriend
distracted boyfriend


Most of you probably know the picture called distracted or unfaithful boyfriend, often used for memes. Let's leave memes alone for now and focus on the picture. The boy, with clear interest, looks at an attractive girl in a red dress. His girlfriend, let's call her Amy, whom he is holding by the hand, looks at him with indignation on her face. I would even venture to say that, apart from feeling offended and surprised, she is also jealous.

What or whom can Amy be jealous of? The other girl, for capturing Amy's boyfriend's attention? The boyfriend, for being interested in another? The devoted attention?

I bet most of you would point to the boyfriend or the other girl as the source of jealousy. And that's OK because our brain operates easier on tangible things than abstract ones.

But in reality, jealousy tells Amy, "you crave his attention and would feel much better if you were in the place of the girl in the red dress". Her brain can't translate the concept of attention into something tangible, so it focuses Amy's attention on her boyfriend or the other girl (this is a matter of the specific person and their experiences). In this way, the brain changes the completely neutral information of jealousy into an implicit "accusation" readily picked up on an emotional level.

The desire to be noticed by other people is a plague of our civilization. Our parents rarely have enough knowledge and time to secure this need in us when we are children, so unfulfilled, it grows with us. When we enter adulthood, we deal with it in different ways. Some are non-stop sick, others have very turbulent private lives, and others will provoke jealousy in others (lol) to focus their attention... I don't need to explain that most of these things are made up. There are many strategies, and social psychology is fascinated with describing and observing them in everyday use.

Maslows hierarchy of needs (if needs from levels 1-4 are not secured, we call them insecurities)
Maslow's hierarchy of needs (if needs from levels 1-4 are not secured, we call them insecurities)

Why do we even need jealousy? Mainly to show us what we lack for complete happiness. I have already presented Maslow's hierarchy of needs before. It's worth looking at it and thinking for yourself how it looks for us. What might have been missing in childhood, and what may be missing now? This type of information is gained during properly conducted therapy. It often requires painful retrospection. But if we are honest with ourselves, we can also discover a lot and thus secure the needs that, in an unconscious way, influence our behavior.

How to deal with jealousy? Usually, the first step is understanding this emotion and the information it carries. A good way is to take what's called a mental step back. If you feel that a certain situation arouses jealousy in you, allow yourself to look at the whole thing from the side, even if only for a moment. What exactly triggers strong emotions? Is it that he put his hand on her shoulder? Or is it that you would like to do that? Or is it that your boyfriend gave up his seat to that other girl, or you would like to be in her place? Change the situation so you are at its center and then see what comes out of it.

It is worth separating people from feelings. Jealousy does not address people but our unmet needs. Jealousy is always about us, not about other people. By making such a separation, we allow ourselves to understand ourselves and eliminate behaviors that could put us in a difficult social situation. It's not worth reacting just because our brain is too stupid to address an abstract emotion like jealousy. It's pointless to attack someone foreign or your partner just because our brain has set them as the target. The brain is a very efficient device that operates on shortcuts. If some shortcut worked in the past, our brain will use it again. It's up to us to consciously evaluate how well this shortcut works and whether we want to change or keep it.

Sometimes, I observe my reactions with amusement when people I care about focus their attention on someone else in my immediate company. This sudden surge of emotion is unmistakable for anything else. Those first, almost instinctive imaginations of how I should react. But I don't react, not anymore, lol... It took me a long time to eliminate most of the default reactions from my repertoire. I let the emotions wash over me without causing any effect. Usually. No... I am far from perfect, and although I put a lot of effort into changing my behaviors, the results are sometimes... unexpected, lol... Knowing about something does not protect me from instinctive reactions. Years are needed to change behaviors.

In summary, let's not demonize jealousy. Jealousy can be our friend if we can read it correctly and address the problem, not the shortcut created by our lazy/efficient brain. Don't also succumb to default scripts generated by our brains. Certain reactions that had their reason in the Stone Age no longer serve their function in a highly developed and specialized society.

Jealousy - What Creates This Complex Feeling?
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