My boyfriend is too passive help?

[Anonymous]

He asked me out and he asked me to be his girlfriend. But I feel like he isn't as good at knowing what to do.

His ex asked him out and pursued him. He contacts me every day. But I feel like he's too passive in making plans with me. Well many times he does, but the past week or two he's been stressed and busy working a lot harder. And he always tells me he likes when I initiate things.

He's the one who asked me straight and clear to be his girl. I met his friends etc. It's always "stay over whenever you want you always can"
Or "you can see me whenever you want"
But I'm used to a more aggressive man and even though he has many good points it makes me feel like I'm after him more than my comfort zone.

On the other hand unlike my old bf i feel more equality in this relationship.

Updates

+1 y

The problem is if I have to ask to see him I feel like he doesn't care. I'm used to more aggressive guys. Makes me feel like he isn't so into me. Then if j distance mydelf or don't take any initiative he asks what's wrong and why I never take initiative with him and that he feels I don't care.

Updates

+1 y

I feel bad. He has many good qualities. He is the one who keeps in contact. And he hints at getting together often so then i just say so why don't we do x and he says let's do it. He's sensitive and understanding. He tells me he's a shy guy and he doesn't know the "dating rules" he has many good qualities but it makes me feel undesirable. When im with him I feel loved but he's not pushy enough with making plans

[OntheMove]

He's just trying to set up a level playing field between the two of you; he doesn't want to be overbearing in the relationship. He definitely cares for you, and I feel that you know that. This problem stems from within you: you don't respond well emotionally to someone who doesn't take assertive control of the relationship. You should talk to him about it if you care for him and want to make things work between you two, otherwise you'll continue to distance yourself from him. If he's just holding back, then he may decide to take more control, but on the other hand if he really is a very passive individual (which I doubt seeing as he sought you out and frequently makes the plans) then he may try to step things up. Talk it out, communicate!

Best of luck, hope things work out!

[Anonymous]

I understand. My husband is that way. I like a manly man that takes charge and says hey let's do this go here and eat this. Instead I find myself ordering for my husband at restaurants. The end result is you like what you like. It will never change bossy women love men they can control. And if you aren't that kind of woman it might make you uncomfortable. When you're over the uncomfortable stage it's just kinda annoying like can you decide anything by yourself. Talk to him about it and see if he'll take more charge but probably not. It's just his personality. He cares he's just... Passive
Source: Wife of a Passive Sweetheart

[TheINTJ]

So what is the problem here?

[TheINTJ]

He's already told you that you can see him whenever you want. That means he always wants to see you and probably just doesn't know if you want the same thing, probably feeling like he'd be imposing on you if he asked you directly. He's probably thinking he's already told you what he wants. Why don't you tell him in turn that you'll be free most of the time, except for etc etc, and he can ask you to see him whenever he wants aside from those times? At least then you'd have set some conditions. Would that not work?

[Asker]

That could be a good compromise. I've approached the topic, not as thoroughly, and he just didn't get it. He was kind of like well I want to see you. Also he has a restaurant, I want to bring my friend there. I asked when I should. He said you can bring her whenever you want. A few weeks ago we saw each other almost every day, sometimes I hinted at it, other times he did. He's going through a rough few weeks at work so it's harder now to see him as often. That makes it worse.

[TheINTJ]

So he's already told you that you can see him whenever you want, but you're still hesitant to because you say he's busy with work and you might come at a time it turns out he doesn't want you to. It looks like you also don't want to feel you're imposing on him. Why don't you ask him to set conditions or times when he would most likely be busy, just so that you know you wouldn't be a bother when you do go see him? I don't want to tell you that yeah, he should be the one taking th initiative and everything, because I feel like this 'welcoming' attitude would be great if you guys could get past these feelings of insecurity.

[atomique]

He sounds like me