Are we just FWB or are we actually going somewhere?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy a few months back and we talk just about every day. We have only hung out a few times and we had sex. He stayed the night and texted me later in the day. We never really talk about relationships but we do have some serious conversations. I just don't know if this is strictly a Friends With Benefits kind of relationship or if it sounds like maybe it could be more.

Updates

+1 y

so I that while I was having fun these types of things only last so long before feelings get hurt or something more has to happen and he said that we would see how things go.. which is basically a blow off soo now what do I do

[Anonymous]

Whatever is happening now is as good as you will have with him. So, it sounds like what you have is FWB and that is the way it will continue or it will just end altogether because one or the other will end up finding someone they can have more with.

I knew this guy for over a year. We talked a lot on the phone and IM. He always wanted to know what I was doing and we really had some cool conversations. He was smart and had a great sense of humor and we hit it off in our calls. We did not live that close to each other but we did make a point to see each other here and there, though not frequently. Each time we did, we had sex.

So, after a year of this I was at a crossroads of wondering if I should stick with this guy or start dating someone else. I had to finally put it on the line with him. Guess what, he still did not want to be straight with me. He said a relationship was a lot to consider because we did not know each other that well. OMG, we had been talking and hanging out for over a year. So, I told him I was going to see other people and he really had nothing to say to that. He kept trying to contact me and talk as well as throw in some sexy conversation, but I ignored the sexual stuff and kept any other comments brief. I have a boyfriend now and I finally told this guy (since he wasn't taking a hint) that I could not talk to him anymore as I felt it was disrespectful to my boyfriend.

If a guy wants you for a girlfriend or a relationship, they ask. If they like you for conversation and occasional sex, they do that instead. A lot of guys are perfectly happy having what you describe without ever wanting more with you. Sometimes you can be really hurt to find out they end up moving on to another girl and having a relationship with her because she meets their idea of girlfriend material. It is a bummer how many girls will continue in a FWB hoping for more and not getting it.

[vice-chix]

FWB definitely.

What do you do? Nothing. Let him go. Cut him loose. You both are seriously on different pages about what you want from one another. He wants casual no-strings fun... and you want a relationship. It sucks... and I have been there.

But in the end ... you have to ask yourself... if he isn't taking you on dates, courting you... doing non-sexual things to get to know you better...and build trust and a foundation for a future... then why do you want him in the first place? You know you deserve to be treated better.

Bottom line... tell him this. That hey - it's been fun... it is what it is... you want something more... and he can't give you that... Ciao. One of 2 things will happen -- he let's you go... because you were just back-up anyways... or 2nd scenario -- he realizes he's been an ass and that his own insecurities regarding relationships and commitment have prevented him from making a connection with you -- and he decides to want to do that... but HE has to want to do this on his own.

No amount of cling or neediness will make him want a connection. For guys into the casual play only (like yours) -- any sort of action that resembles coupledom will have him running for the hills. So play it cool ... really cool... and start looking for more fish in the sea.

The good news out of all of this is... is YOU realized you deserve better than a booty-call. You are READY for a relationship! Congrats!

[Nyx_85]

I say that until a guy actually brings up topic of making things official and/or exclusive, you should never assume it is. I've been suckered into having FWB relationships that went nowhere and were just a waste of my time because I focused all my energy on that one guy and missed out on every other opportunity (because I'm sure enough though the guy was seeing other girls, I never saw other guys). But if you go up to him and ask ‘Where is this going?’ you run a good chance of scaring him away, even if he really does like you. Men generally like to be the pursuers and they also like to ease into things, especially relationships. They don't like to feel rush. It’s like getting into a hot tub. I mean you wouldn't like it if someone pushed you into one would you? No just go about your life as usual. Date who ever you want. Let him know you are a hot commodity! Then if he’s really does care for you and he’s man enough he can choose to make things more serious with you. If not that’s his loss!

And just because a guy calls or texts you every day, or even multiple times a day that doesn't necessarily mean he is looking for anything serious. Believe me I know. He could just be lonely. Some guys just like the companionship. They may also like the ‘idea’ of doing couple type things but they don’t actually want the responsibility or ‘confinement’ of being in an actual relationship.

[toulouse]

Do you think woman like to rush into things, I mean I see what you are saying about hot tubs, but I think that is applicable to PEOPLE, not just men.

[Nyx_85]

Of course. I'm even more of a commitment phobe than many guys I've known. But the asker's question was about a male, not people in general so that's the way I answered it.

[Siendo]

Good Point. ^

[Anonymous]

Being a guy myself I can honestly say that if he texts you everyday he must really care. If you text everyday, and it's not just you initiating the texts but also him, he must have developed feelings for you. You must bring up the relationship conversation.He possibly will need time apart from you for a while to figure things out (a few days maybe a week tops), if you have only been friends with benefits. You should suggest this to him and let him know how you feel about him at the same time.

It may not seem like the right thing to do but chances are if you push him away a bit and he has been texting you everyday he will most likely come back and be more open about his feelings for you. It looks like he wants you badly, but just has problems expressing this. It's only natural that you are feeling this way and if you have had serious conversations and he makes you happy (maybe not all the time because not everyone is perfect, especially at the start of the relationship because they are still learning about you) you should give things a try.

Not all guys are jerks. You should have a think about this because some of us do really care sometimes. It can be hard for us to open up at times, that's what we're all like. Trust me, this guy clearly cares. If anyone should know it's me, I was in a similar situation 10 years ago and I reckon I blew it because I never told her how I felt.

[Opinion Owner]

I would also suggest with holding sex from him. One of the other girls here has mentioned it and another has said some thing about a guy she instant message from far away. This is completely different and cannot be applied to this. It just seems like young love having problems expressing itself.

[Siendo]

Do you know what you might have done to give her the impression, you did NOT care? ...

- You know, it's not ALL in what you SAY.

I'm dealing with a guy who's acting peculiar.& I'm not good at talking about my feelings.. I did not know this - never liked anyone before.. I'm learning now, that I not able to tell how I feel - not very well anyways...He talked about that stuff in the past..Things are weird now,& I don't know if it's cause he no longer has feelings for me, or if he's just worried.

[joeyc_123]

just tell him how you feel. I'm pretty sure I know who this is and I feel exactly the same. I've just had problems with asking because I didn't know whether you felt the same. End what is happening now early and I'll know it is you. I want us start getting serious and going out. Be my girlfriend.

And to prove it's me (if this is who I think it is ) your dog is called lulu

[Asker]

Sorry hon not her haha I don't have a dog

[rdabby]

This is quite funny....lol I have a dog called Sisi would that work ? lol

[joeyc_123]

Gutted! I've made a fool of myself lol. Oh well, I guess I've still got stuff to sort out. This thread has helped though. I think this is what she wants and we never made it official which made things more difficult. Thank you for bringing all this to my attention

[mynameisjamie]

Lol. This made me laugh, thanks.

[Asker]

Haha well I'm glad it could help... haha and your right this may be what she wants... let me know how it goes!

[joeyc_123]

I will do, add me as a friend on this and I will keep you in the loop

[Siendo]

Joey_123:

That is so cool that you said that to 'her'.. But why do you think she is on this site?

[rdabby]

I'd say stop having sex with him, try to get to know him, try this few times before having sex with him again, perhaps try to hold his hand while sitting together.

if he stays and act normal about it then he likes you more than just a sex buddy. if he asks for it or perhaps Nags, then he is probably just looking for a sexual relationhip.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have done the most you can. You put it out there you would like more and he blew you off. So, all you can do now is decide whether this is still working for you. You can just stay the way you are and see "how things go", but honestly they rarely go up when you hear a comment like that. I do think your pride and self-confidence can take a beating staying with someone who talks to you daily as if they really care but leave you hanging like this.

[Asker]

Ya... I think the talking is really what's killing me...that and the fact that when were together he will always find a way to touch me or put his arm around me or hold me... makes it hard to not have feelings... just sex I can deal with but when you add all of that its just so much harder...

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately a guy can enjoy the intimacy of talking and touching and still never want to make you a girlfriend. They just use you for their needs and later they end up finding what they want in a girlfriend and you end up hurt.

[Siendo]

Are you saying that because GUYS are like that, or because she is asking ABOUT A GUY?

- Just wondering because I noticed a comment from some one down the age who said 'guys do such & such' but because the poster was asking about a guy. Not because she thought that behavior applied only to men.

{Referring to comment from anonymous user below}

:)

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, guys can and do have sex without having feelings for the girl. Doesn't mean they don't like you, but there is a big difference between a guy liking you and falling in love with you. And, yes, guys can have sex and add other things on to it, like talking or cuddling, and still it does not mean they will fall in love with you. Guys go through a very different process than girls when it comes to falling in love or starting a relationship.

[Siendo]

How do you know? I mean is it GUYS or GUYS IN THIS CULTURE. Organic or synthetic ?

I'm not saying guys can't do what you describe, but they are also promoted for doing that.. Woman are neither encouraged nor exemplified that way in society. - Tho they can act & experience just in that very way.

- I think what you are referring to is more personality base then gender - It's 'jerks' , not guys that disrespect people.

:)

[Opinion Owner]

It's partially organic and it is not just jerks who have sex without being in love. The hormone testosterone is powerful. Women are not running around most of the day with constant urges to have sex. And women tend to size a guy up quickly as to how much they like him. Guys need more time and during that time they may have sex with you. Later, when they figure out how they really feel, well it might not be love, and I don't think they are a jerk for this.

[xkrisx]

need more details. how often do you have sex? how often do you hang out now?

have you talked to him about what you guys are

[Asker]

We have only hung out a few times due to our conflicting work scheduals ...we had sex the times we did hang out. We havnt talked about what we are. He hasn't said anything to me about it and I don't want to seem like the clingy attached girl.

[xkrisx]

Then just don't have sex with him next time you hang out. see how he reacts.

[GIntrovert]

Yea, I'm sure turning down sex when you clearly want it, will make him think you like him more... Talk to him about it, don't play mind games.

[xkrisx]

I don't think turning down sex once is going kill anyone

[jeeperss]

Well if they have sex every time they hang out, this will be a purely sexual relationship, and if she wants more, then yeah, she should turn down sex. especially if she's on the road to getting her feelings hurt.

[ArizonaRX]

Either you continue to have fun and keep it FWB or you end it if you want more and he doesn't. It's really that simple.

[pghcrew]

well... FWD def. Why would he date you when he can have sex w/o having to? Can't really go backwards after having sex either, doesn't work well.

[toulouse]

What happens? People say that a lot, but what does it mean?

[pghcrew]

Puts too many bad thoughts in a guys head like if she doesn't want him now, is she having sex with other dudes, etc. and its like once you've had a slice of cake, why settle for crumbs.

[Siendo]

Would the same apply to m akin out & then stopping?

[pghcrew]

Anything physical/sexual.

[Siendo]

So, you mean that once the physical stars, then you can not have harmony because one or both will have misunderstanding about where things STAND?

Is that part of why people can't be 'friends' after... I mean how much of an impact do you really think I has.. Plus, I think if he REALLY likes her, he will want t be more the just FWB, eventually ¬ it is not because sex is better then a relationship- always.... NOt EVERYONE sees relationships as a chore, & an unnecessary burden for sex.

IDK?

[pghcrew]

Well read what her update says. it's obvious that's exactly what that guy has going through his mind as far as having sex w/o dating. From my personal standpoint there's plenty of women I would get with but never date or "bring home to mom" per say. I'm not going to get into a relationship with them if I don't see it going somewhere. As far as sexual things go, it's not like if you have sex it has to be sex 100% of the time, but you can't just cut it out.

[ice_cold-killah]

well it could be both like you said maybe he is still deciding.

[Asker]

Ya but if you want something you go for it... you don't have to think about if you want to be with someone...if you do...then you obviously don't have the feelings for the person that you should. so it sucks but...i know that much about guys.

[xkrisx]

how is the a blow off?

[Asker]

Well he actually said Lets just ride this out which is basically see what happens which is basically a blow off if he wanted something he would have said it right? yet he still texts me everyday and makes plans with me and blah blah blah so I'm perplexed