I let Men Use Me For Sex Just So I'm Not Lonely?

Question

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday and I cannot help but truly regonize how pathetic I am.

It's always the same. We go out on few dates and it ends in sex. Some of them tell me all they want is sex and I go along with it. Sometimes I just Lead them on so I dont seem desperate.

My low self-esteem has destroyed me. I know where these problems come from and I should work on them but it is really difficult.

I just dont want to go to empty bed.

I'm told I'm attractive, funny, and intelligent by these men and still they'd rather be with another woman just not me.

The thing is I just feel cheap afterwards. Just for awhile it feels good and then when they leave its not enough.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Part of it is your age - most men in your age group aren't really looking for a serious relationship.

Part of it is that your lack of self-esteem and self-worth will be VERY apparent to these guys, so they KNOW they can get sex from you with no commitment - so why would they give you a commitment? Commitments mean limits and sacrifices, and why offer that if it isn't necessary for them to do so to get you into bed? There's no upside to that.

I get that you don't want to be alone - but the only way you're going to get a healthy view of yourself is to BE ALONE for a while and learn to be okay with it - and learn that you don't NEED a man to be a whole person or to be of value. Only THEN will you be able to attract the kind of man who will WANT to make a commitment to you.

Right now you are unwell. You have mental/emotional damage, but that isn't a lot different than, say, if you had a badly broken leg due to a ski accident. If you refuse to get professional help, you won't be able to walk, and though the broken bones might eventually fuse, and you might be able to hobble around, you'll never be remotely close to being able to walk normally. And no one would ever question you going to a doctor and getting surgery to set your leg bones and maybe even put a plate and screws in there. And you'd likely need some physical therapy too. In the end, you'd heal properly and be able to walk normally again.

Your mental/emotional damage is much the same - it needs professional treatment before proper healing can even start, and then some on-going therapy to get you through the healing and recover process and to restore full function. It will NOT correctly heal by itself, and you'll remain emotionally crippled without treatment. There is absolutely NO SHAME in getting help, anymore than for a broken leg. That's what those doctors and therapists are there for. And they want the same thing we do: for you get healthy and eventually be TRULY happy. You can't get there without getting the treatment you need from the pros - so please do.

I know it's hard, and unfair, but the only thing that matters now is getting well.

Levin · Accepted Answer

I totally understand. I'd say the same, but maybe by some mercy it's impossible to get laid if you're a guy and have low self esteem. Well, I *could* get laid. But I'd have to lower my standards pretty heftily, probably to a pretty hefty specimen. ;)

Do you do stuff like meditation, CBT, insightful videos off youtube, the like?

Have you tried feeling worthless? No, you didn't misread that. Bear in mind that most psychological tools and self help stuff is geared towards repressions. ie trying to make yourself feel more positively using various methods. They all involve a *fight* with yourself. Fighting the negative way you feel about yourself. Just allow yourself to feel like shit, when you notice you've been fighting it for so long, invite it to do its worse. Let the feeling wholly sweep over you, without any resistance. Resistance in fact, may be the root of the problem. You've been hurt and abandoned, and you don't want to totally integrate it?

Do lots of watching, so you understand what the thoughts are saying, make sure you always have in the back of the mind that you're perceiving the world subjectively, that whatever emotion you're experiencing doesn't represent an objective reality.

The secret is, and it's kind of paradoxical, but you have to notice, that only you yourself, are responsible for feeling good about yourself. It's like imagining that if you have some wonderful present as a child, life will be all sweet. And if you get it, well, one is always in some way disappointed.

Hymenowner · Accepted Answer

I do respect your honesty. Not all sluts admit they have low self esteem. I am sure you can gain some dignity and have the love of your life and therefore be happy. You can PM me if you want to talk about this

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hun I used to be like that after I split with my first ex. And honestly it does get better. I mean it makes you feel cheap. But the more you put yourself out there, the more likely to find someone. I did :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I feel the same way... What is wrong with us? I don't sleep around as much but most of these guys don't even want to take me out :(

Insomniaclove · Accepted Answer

Then work on yourself. Don't let them sweet talk you into bed. If you continue doing this to yourself it's only going to get worse.

Anonymous · Answer

First of all
Happy birthday in advance
God bless you a happy life ahead.

for you question.
Never get your feelings in casual sex.
If you don't want causal sex then don't go with getting laid in first date with anyone.
It's a bad habit to get laid with anyone in first date.
I'm a men though I won't try to get in pants of girl I date on first date.
if they're doing that they didn't want anything else than sex from you.
and there were chances you could find a love but you nailed it by leading it sometimes.
I mean anyone will feel cheap if you're leading sex on first date.
And even if they liked you they will think how many men you will be laying with. (I should not say but they feel like you're a prostitute or do anything for sex or will go fucking anyone. Pardon me. not good words I have used but people will be using more bad if you still allow yourself for that again)
Loneliness is something we always feel in country like ours. Where we don't live with parents or anyone else.
Pick up yourself.
Don't let anyone use you anymore.
If you're looking for causal sex (I'm sure you're not) don't involve feelings in that.
Try to date one person at one time in whole month.
if he feels right he will propose you.
Don't get laid with him till you trust he won't leave you.
(take minimum 3 months time for that)
And again Happy birthday in advance.
Try to party hard.
Even if you're alone you can always check on internet special deals for birthday girl.
You can enjoy there.
if you don't like that way help some homeless children
If you don't like it go out for movies or a long drive.

nothingtosee · Answer

I think you're thinking about this all wrong. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex with lots of men, IF you are completely honest with them before you do. Be open and honest about it. Over dinner tell him that all you want is him to be your friends with benefits. With the following rules: 1. You will call him whenever YOU want, not the other way around. 2. After sex, you have the right to send him home afterwards or let him spend the night. 3. He HAS to fulfill any sexual fantasies if he wants to continue to have sex with you.

You're at a time of your life where you should be experimenting with various sex acts. If you don't do it now, you may not be able to later on when you find Mr. Right.

onedaysomeone · Answer

It breaks my heart after reading this article, I understand how you feel, but if you keep doing this, filling your empty bed with random strangers, every day it will keep destroying your self-esteem and everyday you will feel hollow, what I suggest you to do is STOP. because in the beginning you will feel lonely and that is true but you will gain self respect that you were able to live your life that way, and go to a library or a coffee shop and look for guys there, if you look at the right places you will find a nice guy, stop giving into these people's urges, please you deserve much much better and you are only messing up your mind with these things, you are the only one who can stop this, it's your mind, take control of it!

genericname85 · Answer

well what are you asking really? you described the problem that you have and from your description it is really clear what you probably should do.

obviously what you do is focusing on instand gratification instead of long term happiness. in fact not only that you focus on the instand gratification. you intentionally sacrifice your long term mental stability and happiness for that instand gratification because you explicitly are saying that it makes you feel worse after you did it and you're struggeling with this long term now.

i mean the way you're describing yourself, you're not some fat old ugly single mom who has some good reasons to be desparate... you can get something meaningfull. just need to prioritize your long term quality of life instead of instand gratification.

Browneye57 · Answer

Quit doing this and develop yourself as a whole person, with value to bring to a relationship. Work on your aspirations, your career, your interests. Become independent and happy in your own skin. THEN you MIGHT be ready to share your life with a partner.
Happiness is not an external thing, it's an internal thing. A high-value guy is going to expect high value. What do you bring besides a 'golden-vagina'? When you can answer this THEN you might be in a place to find that right relationship.

Girls are the keepers of sex. Guys are the keepers of commitment. Don't give up yours 'till you have at least some of his.

If you want a real LTR then be upfront with that, hold that line, and work towards that end. And don't waste any more time doing what you're doing - soon it will become virtually impossible to find Mr. Right.

yowzers124 · Answer

I get where you're coming from because I'm right there with you. It's not really the sex we crave even though sometimes it is good. It's the attention more than anything. I know like me some days are hard for you too but you have to remember that you deserve better than what you've been getting. There's nothing wrong with having sex as long as you understand that that's all it is. my problem is that I always put emotion into it and eventually I get hurt

chey1995 · Answer

I've always walked away from guys like this, 27, still no relationship, still haven't been with a guy, gave up on ever finding someone once I hit 23-24. Now I'm on dating apps because my dad is begging me to find a boyfriend and some of them are asking if they can "use me for practice"

I'm about ready to just start saying all I want is a hookup and tell him to shove tf out because I've never been deemed as girlfriend material even though I want to be. I gave up a long time ago. I've learned my place.

SnapTsch · Answer

I have had a couple of patients who were going through the same
luckily for you, you haven't ran out of time to change and its had but not impossible to make you stand on your own feet and I can guarantee that from past experiences, the only thing is that you must be willing to go the extra mile to turn your life around.

I would really like to be able to stand by tour side to help you through it, if you dont mind.
I hope everything turns out great for you.

Aaron_Rodriguez · Answer

damn, that sucks bad, dont do that, get someone that will love u for who u are and won't just want sex from u, love can be hard and it will take time but eventually you'll find the right person and u will be overflowed with happiness

anastasia1 · Answer

I do the same thing--men just use me for sex. I have never had a real relationship. A few weeks of sex and even anal sex. Not one time did any of them use a condom. They said they did not like them and that anal sex was so much better without one. I have no idea why I let this happen.

Tommy222 · Answer

I am surprised that none of them stick around. If I had an attractive 25 year old girlfriend, I would stick with her through thick and thin. Why give up on something so good like that?

Anonymous · Answer

try going outside more often. sounds stupid, but it works. go outside and see if you can meet new people and become friends with them. it can be difficult if you have low self esteem (i have it too), but eventually it'll get better. try changing your looks if you'd like. sometimes just a simple shade change of makeup can actually do the trick. i remember my girlfriend did that and she felt better about herself. I don't know how, but it worked for her. maybe try it cuz it could work for you

zagor · Answer

So what is the issue here? You don't like the meaningless nature of your relationships, but you prefer them to being alone. I don't like going to work, but I don't want to have no money. You make your choices, you live with them.

BertMacklinFBI · Answer

guys tend to not choose the girl who fucks around with any guy. choose as in seriously commit to.

aftermydemise · Answer

I'm sorry you feel that way :(. for what its worth I hope you have a good birthday.

nationwantstoknow · Answer

well its not your low self esteem guys do love when they have sex with a beautiful lady its all about how you perceive things later on you must be beautiful, that's why guys ask you for making out

abc--123 · Answer

I've known girls like this. One is now married and the other is engaged so it does work out eventually

tazzdevil68 · Answer

maybe cuz u feel as if u just wanna b around/with men so much that's y u r that wag honey. plus u must b a cute woman huh?

Anonymous · Answer

You are the best type of woman. Us guys love your kind. Keep up the good work!

dexterakoss · Answer

happy birthday sex? 😏

Arya_Christ · Answer

how do you look exactly?

Nahid1234 · Answer

Move on from the past.

Anonymous · Answer

you just need friends

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