My boyfriend had sex with me while I was passed out drunk and I don't know what to think about it?

[Anonymous]

We live together and have been dating for quite a while. This isn't the first time this has happened but this time it really kind of freaks me out, I just don't know what to think about it. I guess I was still kind of conscious, like I kind of knew it was happening but I was too drunk to move or respond or anything. I know he was kind of drunk too though. toward the end he kind of shook me and asked me if i was awake and I kind of made a small noise but i couldn't answer with words, everything was spinning and I didn't know what to do. I have woken up in the middle of the night before to him touching me but i'm usually more conscious that what happened last night. I just don't know what to think. I think I was clearly too drunk but maybe he was too drunk to realize? I love my boyfriend and I don't think he would do anything to intentionally hurt me but this made me feel really weird and as I type it I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Is this normal relationship behavior or has a line been crossed?

[CallMeDave]

My opinion is that since you're feeling uncomfortable about it, you need to talk with him and tell him that and that he should not ever do that again. If you're not aware enough to give consent, then he shouldn't do it. My guess is that legally that is probably rape. He probably had no evil intent and just thought it was like other times you've had sex but legally I think it's different if you aren't capable of saying yes or no. And it apparently feels different to you also.

The other thing I would say is that I strongly recommend you avoid getting that drunk. Lots of bad things can happen when you're that drunk. This time it was your boyfriend, but next time it could be some random guy - or guys. Or any of various other bad things could happen to you when you're in that state. Personally I think it's never a good idea to drink so much that you're not aware of what's going on and able to respond appropriately to events that are happening.

[Anonymous]

I know a little about this
Premise: gal allows touching & sex when sober & lives with boyfriend, not many rules involved THEN same SOP occurs when drunk, asleep, etc.

The gals that objected to the latter had been raped (date rape & non-consensual through no comment counts in their minds) and those defenses & feelings of being bullied, loss of control/protection arise strongly... even if married long term w/children. When giving sex but not in the mood, they call this act either a gift or "rape". This might be what you are feeling and why it seems strange. Would it feel LESS so if married?

The gals that don't object to this are usually in control "the boss", "wears the pants" and ironically sleeps in the buff to become more sexually available, not just more comfortable. They also will touch & sex him be he awake or dead.

[samhradh_leannan]

It’s one thing if you were drunk but still actively pursuing the sexual interaction. It’s another thing if you were barely conscious. I would feel very violated if someone did that to me- even my boyfriend with whom I have established ongoing consent.

If you feel uncomfortable with what happened, then you have a right to those feelings. Let your boyfriend know how you feel, and tell him that he can’t do that again. I would struggle to classify this as rape given all the considerations- unless your boyfriend intentionally had sex with you knowing that you weren’t okay with it. But if you no longer feel comfortable with him, maybe you should break up. Most importantly, you need to establish that it’s not okay for him to do this. Once you let him know that he doesn’t have your consent to do this in the future, then going forward, if he does it again, he will be raping you. Make sure he understands that.

[Framboise]

You should talk to him about it. Maybe he was as drunk as you but in the end you feel weird about it. He probably didn't feel the difference with other time and you need to tell him or he'll think it's okay.
I can't tell you if this is relationship behavior, I know it had never happened to me. I actually never had drunk sex and my boyfriend always make sure I'm totally awake before doing anything.

[Cmasterson]

Its weird how it isn't the first time it happens, I would think he'd want a conscious awake girlfriend to have sex with. I think you should tell him that its not okay that he decides to do this while you're passed out. Its not okay especially if you haven't talked about

[savalisk]

Short answer: Depends.
I don't know the full story but if what your saying is true, it just sounds like drunk sex between drunk lovers. It doesn't seem like he mean't any harm from what you say.
If you go at him with a claim of rape or something similar, don't be surprised if he comes down harder on you. He can and I wouldn't blame him considering his reputation would be destroyed at the simple uttering of an accusation of rape by a woman against a man. That's whether or not he succeeds.

anyway, take what I say with a grain of salt.

[BabyBirdy]

What? Is this serious? Are you sure that you weren’t saying you wanted to? This doesn’t sound like rape, if that’s what you’re getting at

It sounds like you and your boyfriend were having drunk sex and you were so drunk that you were in and out of it

[chloehere]

Usually a guy wouldn't want to touch a girl if she was drunk because he's kind of like "using her".. as in taking advantage of her drunk state to have sex. Of course, this one time is no reason to dump him. I suggest talking to him about I and telling him that it felt kind of "weird" doing that, and please don't do it again.

[Eckyx]

Generally speaking, there's a point at which you're too drunk to consent, and it's possible that a court of law could make a case of (and I'm going to use a strong word here) rape. My suggestion is to have a conversation with him while you're clear-headed and sober, and firmly draw your boundaries with him. He needs to respect those you communicate with him, whether or not he's drunk. He probably should have known better, but it would be a very good idea to leave no room for misinterpretation.

[Eckyx]

Again I want to clarify that I'm using the word by the strict legal definition. Nobody is ever entitled to sex with you, regardless of your relationship.

[abc3643]

A court of law WOULD interpret it as rape. All that matters is if she can give rational (as in not drunk or asleep) consent. Since she could not, any intercourse with her is rape.

[FakeName123]

So you both were drunk, had drunken sex and instead of maybe talking about it and realising you both shouldn't get shitfaced, you are assuming he somehow molested you?

Seriously? How about taking some self-responsibility?

[Asker]

you're right

[Metaanio]

Talk about it with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel about it.

If you were both so drunk that it's hard to tell what happened, maybe you should reduce drinking.

[ThatPersonOverThere]

I can see why he would think it was cool if you've already had sex multiple times already and even live together. I can tell that it makes you uncomfortable, so talk with him about it.

[satchiel66]

Sounds like you might need to go to AA. you weren't passed out you're probably blacked out and we're into it more than likely or maybe you were passed out and came to as he started fucking around with you either way it won't happen did you stop fucking drinking

[sonoshee]

If you get wasted multiple times and have wasted sex with your long time partner there is nothing wrong about it besides the fact that you both may be getting drunk way too often. Talk to him.

[9teen]

I don´t see why you´d make a problem of it. You said he was drunk and you were drunk, this wasn´t attempt of rape but something alcohol did. Besides why would he hurt you?

[boggboss]

Are you asking if he raped you and you say this has happend before and you don't like it please stop drinking so much clearly don't k ow when to stop

[Cammy137]

Just talk to him about it and tell him you're not cool with it.

[Julien1210]

He is your Boyfriend right? You already had sex? You were both drunk? Just talk to him about it and that you feel uncomfortable with this

[LegateLanius]

Sounds like you both were really drunk. Next time don't drink enough to get drunk and that goes for both of you. Also let him know that you're uncomfortable with that

[Anonymous]

If you were too drunk to remember how could you remember if you consented and if he had been drinking he couldn't consent either

[samhradh_leannan]

Even if he was also drinking, if he was the one who was physically instigating the situation, then that makes him somewhat responsible for what happened. I’m not saying this was necessarily rape or anything, but just because someone is under the influence, that doesn’t mean they can’t be held responsible for anything that they do.

[Opinion Owner]

@samhradh_leannan how do you know if you can't remember?

[samhradh_leannan]

Well, not remembering an is an issue unto itself. If she really can’t remember what happened, then there’s not much we can do. But two facts remain:
1. IF it was the case that he was the instigator and she wasn’t responsive, then my previous comment still applies, and
2. Regardless of what happened in the past, if she feels uncomfortable with what happened, then she should tell him and he/they should not do it again.

[CuriousOrator]

Personally, on the giving side of this equation, it isn't satisfying to have sex with someone when they wasted drunk limp and unresponsive.

[jacquesvol]

"This isn't the first time this has happened"
If you don't like it that way, why dou you call him boyfriend ?

[jacquesvol]

*do you*

[Anonymous]

What none of the guys here seem to realize is that the girl is not asking for advice, she is asking for validation...

[CrazyyChick]

Talk to him about it, cause I think that this whole situation is toxic

[Anon-ymous1]

Talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel.