I have female friends. Some I could under some circumstances feel attracted to I guess. And some I know 100% sure in my gut and soul there's NO fucking way I could want them in that way, like ever, period.
One of my best female friends is an ex of mine. And she falls into the category of no attraction whatsoever. she's really an amazing person who I've managed to stay friends with. I have a lot of love an affection for her, and its mutual. I know she really appreciates me as a person. But the thought of having sex with her, for example, is a total complete turn off. Additionally I will never wonder "what if" nor will she, cause, been there done that, we both know how it is.
So knowing this about myself, I know that it is possible. So if a girl had a male best friend, I could totally imagine this scenario being possible. And I can totally trust a girl having male best friends, because I trust myself having female best friends.
I think if you go into your mind and picture having sex with them, and you're disgusted. It's safe. There's no fucking way its gonna happen. If you're actually grossed out; its not gonna ever go past the platonic stage.
If you don't flinch; it means you're not obviously into it but if it were to go that way you could possibly see that happening.
If you like it, then you know where its at too.
So I don't think its a simple as the guy in the quote says. Its more nuanced. Really you just gotta be honest with yourself. You should know for your own sake and your partner's sake if you're playing with fire.
no thoughts. any woman I was in a relationship with I trust implicitly
No problem with him having friends of the opposite sex. But spending so much one on one time with a particular friend is toxic to a relationship. I'm not the sort of person to give an ultimatum, but I have considered ending the relationship over it despite knowing that there's nothing going on between them. I don't believe in love, so I value respect and loyalty a lot, two things that I'm not getting from someone that thinks it's ok to be gym buddy's with a girl. If we saw each other more often, it might not be such a problem, but they carpool together, work together, go to the gym together, and spend lots of time together outside of work, while we only see each other most weekends. Originally he told me he was 'carpooling with a workmate' and that one of his workmates was his gym buddy, despite me knowing her name, so when he eventually started using her name whilst talking about the gym, I actually thought I was gonna be sick. I spent a whole week absolutely fuming. Slow and basic replies to his texts. Considered joining a gym with one of my male mates just to show him how disgusting it feels. But I haven't brought it up, because once I do, it becomes a 'thing,' and once it's a thing, I imagine he'll avoid telling me about their meetings, hide things, lie, and I'd rather just be silently pissed off or end it all together. I'm just acting cool for now.
I'd be uncomfortable with it. Not because I don't trust my partner but because I don't trust another woman being that close to him. If she were a lesbian, no problem, maybe she can even teach him how to lick a vagina the right way (jk). I wish I could say I was cool with it but I don't think I could do it and I could understand if I had a male friend who's girlfriend felt the same about me. I don't even think it's about trust at that point, I think it's about someone being to close for comfort, I don't want to compete with another woman for your time and your friendship, I should be your female best friend and no other woman before me. Maybe I'm just the jealous type.
I have been married to insecure man and dated not so insecure. what I learned to be true is that the male ego is very fragile. What I also learned is that's his problem not yoursexclamation point it comes down to what you're comfortable with I believe people of the opposite sex can in fact be friends long as they know from Jump Street that there's not going to be nothing going on and that they will respect your boundaries in your relationship if they cannot do that then they don't deserve to be your friend no matter what sex they are.
I would try to be friends with their best friend, and I would think as she is a girl we will hit it off. If she was a bitch however who exhibits the traits of someone who want to monopolize male attention including my boyfriend and doesn't like competition, then it's either me or her.
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I only have a problem with it when they're always talking or together. But honestly, I feel like this isn't even a thing. The older I get, the more I notice people stick with their own gender as friends.
If you are an insecure person you are basically screwed.
My only friends are women. I might have a problem if an ex didn't like that.
How is it great when you are single, and a problem when you are in a committed relationship?
Are you seeing this from the partner with the best friend of the opposite gender perspective, or that of the person whose partner has the best friend of the opposite gender? The reason I ask this is because it sounds like you have two completely different things confused with each other. Basically what you're saying is almost word for word what a friend of mine was being told by his girlfriend when she was getting really upset that he'd been hanging out with one of our friends the night before, because she had the strange idea that because she's female and we're male that we were screwing her. His girlfriend didn't appreciate the smart-ass remark he made in response. He said I'm hanging out here with Kirk, does that mean I'm f****** him? I mean, come on, be serious?
I don't think I could ever date a woman who is unable to make a distinction between a platonic and a romantic relationship dynamic, and best friends are a lot harder to come by, than dates are, so if I was forced to make a choice between the two, I'd tell the lady I was dating to take a walk.
I just hope no one ever tells me I have to make a choice like that, because I might end up giving them an earful that they'll never forget. Frankly anyone who tries to drive a wedge between me and my best friends is going to be in trouble, cuz that's a big no no.
What is the thinking behind that, anyway making someone choose between two completely different things, as if they're the same? That doesn't make any sense, saying "choose her, or choose me," it's like, for what? Is she seriously suggesting that I'm screwing my best friend? What's wrong with her, what's wrong with someone who thinks like that? Are most people really incapable of understanding the distinction between the person you have sex with and the person you talk about sex with? One girl I have pillow talk with in the bedroom the other girl I have dude talk with in the locker room. The woman I'm not sleeping with may be able to help me with issues with the woman I am sleeping with because I'm getting the female perspective from a person who's not my girlfriend but my female buddy, I mean let's face it for the most part the female Ginger can be really unreasonable when it comes to their expectations of guys automatically knowing or understanding things that they can't possibly understand, because they always get the comment of 'oh, if you don't know, than I can't explain it to you. Is she freaking insane the reason I don't know, is because she won't explain to me, that's fruity thinking there. I don't know because you won't explain it to me, but this other girl that I grew up with, she explains it to me, because she's not weird that way.
When are females that don't know the difference between platonic and romantic affection going to figure it out, and when are they going to understand that the girl that her boyfriend is not sleeping with, is helping him to better understand women so that he can be more understanding of his unreasonable girlfriend, when he is sleeping with her?
I answer this question way too much on this site. 99.99% of the time it's not two people with a common interest like the literal definition of a friend is. Usually it's just a dude trying to get laid in a indirect way and a chick that enjoys that dude's attention from it.
She tells her bf/husband (and sometimes herself) that he's "just a nice guy" or "just a friend" because acknowledging why he's really being such a hangaround would require some explanations as to why she's allowing it. Even if she makes the argument that she herself would never give him what he wants... she's still allowing him the pursuit for it. If that is what the so called "friendship" is based upon... I'm calling bullshit.
Outside of that there has to be a common interest. Do they play music in a band, on the same political party, both trying to achieve some sort of outcome? What is the common interest... just like two same sexed friends, there's a common interest or else it's just weird.
... and that's my main point, a male and female don't usually share many common interests unless it's something to do with the exchange of attention/sex in some form or another.
Furthermore I'd like to point out there is a particular type of guy that makes time for that sort of activity and a guy that has no time for that sort of activity. But that's for another mytake one day.
It most likely comes down to a personal perspective. If there is equal trust and honesty between partners, it should never pose an issue, in regard to insecurity, jealousy, etc.
However, we should not neglect a very apparent fact, regardless of sex; in this case, we may have been friends with the other person before a relationship occurs. If all ties were cut, imagine how that person would feel, all of a sudden. Anyhow, when we go into the trouble of talking about a real friendship, in our core we're all human beings, so personally sex does not really matter.
Even if one, as they say, inevitably, starts having feelings toward the other, honesty can solve this issue, both in friendship and relationship. If this attraction starts creating more problems, then one should consider ending the friendship, always dependant on how much they value both relations.
This is what I believe. Besides, I have always found that a good relation with the opposite sex provides a great insight on the psychosynthesis of either the male or female, how they tend to think and the support they can end up providing, unconditionally. I apologise for the long read, saying one last thing; in the end we're all different, and how each of us perceives this matter is definitely relevant. Honesty and basic human conduct go a long way.
I personally don't care.
However it all depends on each person individually.
If the woman/girl doesn't want you to have friends of the opposite sex she has to consider that some of them were around way before she was and they have a special bond in friendship.
Id you're a woman/girl and your boyfriend, husband, fiancè doesn't want you to have friends that are guys he shouldn't include your childhood friends.
Both parties histories apply to it as well.
If the guy is a known cheater then there should be minimal friend contact of the opposite sex and the exact same goes for her as well if she is a known cheater as well.
Now if the one has been cheated on and doesn't want their SO to have friends of the opposite sex, they need to understand that they got a bad apple and that doesn't apply to everyone that they get into a relationship with.
It's 2 sides of the same coin. Our decision shouldn't determine it for the rest who didn't, wouldn't or won't make a decision that changes how one will treat others or yourself.
It is extremely rare if both the guy and the girl have 0 feelings for each other like your quote said. I can tell you the only time I was able to do this is if it was like a family friend or something AND the only thing that really kept me being good about it is because I knew I could never attempt anything because everyone in the family would hate me for it if something bad were to come from it even if I was single you know? I suppose I'd there is a large age Gap and it is like a little sister or a little brother type thing it might be ok. But 2 adults with money and cars and cell phones. There is just too much opportunity for feelings to develope. I actually used to maintain friendship with all of my ex girlfriend because I am not the bridge burning type or the run away type. So I did have to cut ties with them all for my significant other who wasn't comfortable with me being friend with them even though they lived out of state. It all depends on the trust level of the two people really.
That tony a gaskin jr wuote describes it perfectly.
I think people who let their so's have opposite sex best friends are idiots.
Honestly.
Or they are cowards for not speaking up about their true feelings on it.
That being said, i dont date girls with male friends.
I figured out early that girls will be stubborn about this and it will only lead to the other guy having an upper hand over you, making her think you are insecure and her friend is better. Then she will either fall for him or cheats with him.
Either way he wins.
You can't win there, unless you are superior to him in every masculine way.
So just avoid 'em.
I dont even deal with that bs.
I tell all girls that show interest some of my rules.
One of them is no male friends.
I will tell them straight that if i come home after work to find her chatting with some male "friend" in my house, i will kill him.
Thats how i am. They will think im a caveman, and i should be an extinct remnant of an unnecessary genetic line, or they will find it cute. Sometimes they would agree. things like this are better settled at the start.
Ok. So I have a female best friend. And her and I never even thought about sleeping with each other, (I'm serious, she's been through a lot of people I know , 1 of them being my male best friend. Any female with or was with any of my friends I won't touch even 15 years later). We do gossip. I like to play with money, she likes to shop. Or if I have a female question she' ll answer and when she had a guy question I'll answer... However WE BOTH KNOW WHEN EITHER 1 OF US STARTS SEEING SOMEONE, THEN OUR FRIENDSHIP TAKES A BACK SEAT. Cuz for 1, who ever ur in the relationship with is who ur priority is supposed to be with. Anybody outside and doesn't know what's going on will have a problem with it.
My best friend is male and we dated when in secondary school. He did since admit that he had feelings for me about 5 years ago now but I said I didn't feel the same way and we have remained friends; albeit not as close but he is still someone I consider a close friend. My boyfriend has the same sort of story and has a female friend he was close to; she had romantic feelings for him and he, nothing for her. They are still friends and I'm pretty cool with it... At the end of the day, what's the point having a relationship with someone you don't trust?
I would NOT be okay with my husband having a boyfriend that's a female. Almost all relationships like that lead to one or both having romantic feelings for the other. It's not a good idea at all. He expects the same of me-no opposite sex BF's. It's asking for trouble!
This senario requires a conscious effort to avoid rudeness to your love. It takes little to make a lover feel like you value this friend more, especially a new one. (The fact is this should probably be true if it is a friend you have had a decade and a lover you have had two months.) I personally am just happy to have a love come back to me and just require trust they have enough respect for both of us to be safe. Jealousy is a bitch it is like disrespect in reverse. I wonder how many people who said they are not ok with an opposite sex best friend for their lover, would in fact give up their best friend for a relatively new relationship; how many friends do the people saying yes, still actually Have? This seems like the beginning of a toxic and friendless relationship full of mistrust and guilt to me...
**ideally your opposite sex best friend should befriend your lover if one or both aren't completely dense.
One of my girl’s best friends is her ex. It made me uncomfortable when I found out but in time (and after I met him) I came to feel alright about it. I understand that he may have feelings for her that my girl and I don’t know of, but I trust my girlfriend and I trust her friend. I truly believe that he is an alright person and that neither of them would not have those intentions. If my trust is betrayed, of course I’ll be heartbroken and of course I’ll have to leave her, but until then it is not my place to control every single aspect of her life. If she’s truly to be my partner and not my possession then she should exist separate from my control.
It all depends on character and behaviour of of your other significant... he/she might be complete asshole... or loyal ones... your never 100% sure of them... and thats the only truth... even if they are loyal. Just because weak will power and lack of proper emotional behaviour they may start to have feelings for thier so called only friend... its just common human tendency shows by weak ones... so you never know... and all the others who are talking about trust... they should know trust is simply nothing... its just thier own ray of hope for others... own thinking... own desires taking shape..
I think it's entirely possible to have platonic relationships, and for them not to interfere with your romantic relationship with your partner. I have tons of female friends that I don't harbor romantic feelings for, and my best friend is a woman. My secret is to just not objectify women. A person is a person, and if you vibe then you vibe. I'm not tryna fuck just because we both like Harry Potter or something. The onus is on the friends to both understand that. If you both view each other as just a friend, you don't get any of that grade school bs like hanging all over each other and being overly physically affectionate with each other, because we're adults who don't hang all over and get all handsy with other people, regardless of our relationship with them. There's no cause for jealousy because there's nothing to be jealous of. Other than jealousy, nothing else will really come between your relationship.
My SO actually has a guy friend who is one of her closest friends.
I think it's perfectly fine now. I didn't like it until I got to know him as well though. There is absolutely no sexual energy between them. She sees him as a bit of a clown and he talks to her like he would with any guy he knew. He also only likes Asian ladies and she often jokes about his height and looks. He acts in a way towards her like no man would if he was hitting on her ("You look fat already, stop hogging the f**king peanuts", "What the f*ck is that dress supposed to be, looks like you stole it from an elderly turkish lady").
That is an unusual friendship between a man and a woman though. Usually there is some kind of sexual energy in a friendship between a man and a woman.
Personally I think It's naive to think that it can't be done. Sure there it's not the best move probably, but being in a relationship shouldn't decide who your friends are in my opinion. I would take care though if it ever happend, from my side making sure they get to know each other and trying to be (a little) less 1-on-1 with that bestie then. The other way around, so my significant other having a best friend like that, I would take action to get to know that person and how they feel towards each other. So, in other words, I think that it can be done but both parties should be aware that this might take some effort to get it to work correctly.
In theory I can understand having some feelings of jealousy and worrying to some extent or another. However in reality, I only have 2 real friends. One guy and one girl. So if I expect my girlfriend to be okay with my friends, I have to give her the respect she deserves too and ignore what gender her friends are. I trust her and I don't ever give her any reason not to trust me.
I think that as a generalization it shouldn't matter or become a problem, but that there is also not a strict black and white answer. People either will cheat or they won't, i think it depends more on who they are than who their friends are.
My bff and I have been friends for 25 years; we talk almost every day, know each other personal life, slept on the same bed and seen her naked. The important part is we are not sexually attracted to one another. The only time friends of opposite sex won't work (a) when both people are attracted to one another. (B) one party is attracted to the other but won't voice out their feelings but hope one their friendship develop into a relationship. I tell people it there's anything going to happen it would have happened already. So, yes people can be friends we the opposite sex, but they have to be honest with themselves.
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