I discovered that my long-term boyfriend has tinder. What now?

[demillena]

I am so confused. I have a happy relationship with my long term boyfriend. We have been together for three years and we just recently introduced each other to our own families. However, much to my dismay, I accidentally found out that he has a tinder app on his phone. We were on a bus ride and we were watching something on facebook on his phone. When he closed the app, he scrolled down and boom! The tinder app was there.

He told me that he only downloaded it because I downloaded it too. I admit that I downloaded it because I was joking around him. I even showed to him that I installed it but I didn't even use it. I uninstalled it immediately. Apparently, he installed it behind my back. He also told me that he didn't do anything on it because he didn't know how it works. However, it has been sitting there for like a month or two since he told me that he downloaded it at the same time with me. Furthermore, he is a guy who does not like to show his phone to me. I have never touched it or scrutinized it. This is by choice though. However, when I asked him if I could see whats inside his phone, this led to some stupid fight. That's because I compared him to other boyfriends who let their girlfriends to go through their phone.

What should I do now?

[pasoccer]

First; you never should have downloaded the app even as a joke. It shows that you could do something untrustworthy on a moment's notice, and probably weakened your relationship. Doesn't matter if you used it or not.
He probably downloaded it partially in spite. He may or may not have had any intention to use it. He possibly downloaded it to keep an eye on you.
He has full rights to keep the app on his phone for that reason alone. Now hopefully he isn't using it. Also, after talking about it again, I do feel he should consider, if not automatically delete the app.
Some people are private and don't want others to. go through their phone. I've had an ex do that and misconstrued several things, and she saw me complaining to a friend about things that bothered me. It caused several fights. People tell their best friends things, it's part of a relationship.
However, he could be secretive for another reason. Unless you have substantial proof of something, I'd just keep my eyes open. The tinder thing in my opinion shouldn't be a deal breaker. (At least in this case)

[Futurelooker]

It is not the frist time here that I read about going through their friend´s phone. In my country this is absolutely inacceptyble and would break up any relationship. This is a sign of deep mistrust.

If you don´t trust him break up your relationship.

[Femmefatale97]

you know, the stuff we can find on our BF's phones are just insane. It 's like a Pandora box - once you open it overwhelms you. I found e-mails and pictures and I knew how he was before and it confused me because we finally managed to be happy. Then he literally showed me the pics from Pornhub and they dated of way before he dated me. But you need to remain calm and explore what all of this could mean? Do you trust him? It he just joking around with his guys? Or is he playing you? If you tell him that this bothers you and you both agree on deleting this, you'll know there's nothing to worry about. However, if you have even the slightest doubt, take your distance... Cheating is the one thing I personally can never forgive and beyond all this, it can become dangerous for your own health. Love yourself first please!

[Wonderer89]

It seems pretty hypocritical to get upset about your boyfriend downloading a dating app after you did. We set the precedent for how we want to be treated, and lead by example so why get upset about him copying your behaviour?
Talk it out, set the boundary for BOTH of you and see what happens once you’re both clear on how to act in a relationship

[demillena]

Kind of. Because I was the one who downloaded it first but I uninstalled it too after an hour or two. I didn't know that he had the app for months!

[Wonderer89]

But the point is, you did it. So he did too, he followed your lead and unless you had a discussion that*implicitly* outlined how you should both behave around the app? Or did you assume that because you chose to delete it he automatically would too without discussing it?
I’d chalk it up to a mistake, learn from it and communicate how you want your relationship to go from here without accusation given you started what you’re now upset about

[SarahsSummer]

Sorry but why did you download tinder and why should he believe you did nothing with it if you can’t believe he did nothing with it.
While there’s not enough evidence to state either of you are cheating, it’s obvious you have serious trust issues. Work on figuring out why that is.

[VaIiant]

Insist upon seeing his phone at a random point in time (so that he has no opportunity to delete things). If he refuses to let you go through it, break up with him immediately. Sounds like he’s getting some action on the side, and that’s unacceptable.

[Aroso]

No relationship can exist without balance of power. Women has more power when she is young and beautiful while men has more power when they are older and richer and knows their way around women. So for a woman it's always dangerous to wait long to marry the guy you have been with. In India women won't sleep with you unless you marry them and since there is little sex outside marriage guys quickly agree with this. In your setting it's impossible since sex is readily available even out of marriage and sex is often used to woo men into marriage.. Whereas whereas where I live its the promise of sex which lures men I to marriage.

[madhatters4]

his story is not convincing. why would he do it simply because you did it as a joke. what is the joke since he didn't immediately reveal it to you?

he may not have gone out with anyone yet (or he may have) but he certainly has looked.

what you do now is up to you. accept his story and trust he downloaded it as a joke or accept that he may be messing around

[Rattyworm]

Will he do has a point that he doesn't want to show you his phone as not to just to disappoint you but maybe he's fooling around maybe his playing with him no talking to girls maybe he's taking opinions from them as to make you happier don't really know what he's doing on Tinder you probably don't want to look on his phone I mean why would you do that it's just annoying well apparently he doesn't want to disappoint things might not look how it seems don't judge a book by its cover

[slatyb]

He's probably just perving pictures when he's bored. It doesn't mean he finds you inadequate or plans to leave. Guys just enjoy seeing images of women. Pay attention to his behavior. When he's with you, is he attentive? Supportive? Considerate? Thoughtful?

[loveshaka231]

Don't worry it's not you it's just a man's ego he wants to see if he's still got it even if he's young middle-aged or old he loves you and he knows if he lost you you would be miserable people always think the grass is greener on somebody else's yard and when they realize that there wasn't grass at all but just weeds you'll be back

[loveshaka231]

I agree it is the game of chasing the cat when it comes to men thin women no matter how old were young we are we want to see if we still have that edge and attracting other females not saying that he's not satisfied in his relationship he just don't want to be stagnated in his own mind but if I were you I will sit down and have some type of conversation with him if it makes you uncomfortable

[HereComesDrTran]

Get ready for real truth, no bullshit.

If you're happy with him, I guarantee he's a scumbag piece of shit. 100% of women follow this 2000+ year trend.

Past that, good luck? He is or is going to cheat on you because you women give horrible men the biggest advantage.
Women love misery and pain anyway so that's 100% likely why you're so happy. Conflict. Drama. Manipulation. The keys to the wet gates.

[DualityGreen]

Not everyone uses tinder for hookups. Some use it to find friends.

That said, this is one of those rare scenarios where I think you need to do some investigating inside his app to see how he is using it and if he is using it.

[Finchie40]

He is flirting with other girls , so You're best to dump him considering he already proved to you that You aren't his priority

[Anon-ymous1]

He wants to have sex with other girls, probably. We all do. It's very normal. Monogamy isn't everything it's cracked up to be, and generally leads to people being unhappy in the long run, especially a lot of guys. Just how it is.

[deric_97]

Why does it matter, pretty sure it's nothing serious.

[demillena]

Tinder is a dating app

[deric_97]

If he doesn't show you his phone, and it's fucking you up mentally, and you both fight over it. It's chill, just break up with him. OBVIOUSLY something is up. Don't fight too much. Break it. It's simpler. Relationships are supposed to be transparent. It's not an issue of trust. More towards transparency and if he doesn't see it, you know what to do.

[demillena]

He says that it's also because of me who doesn't give my phone to him. But that was before! I let him go through my phone now. Wtf

[deric_97]

Hey Demi, he's just using excuses after excuses. Don't take his word, word by word. It's about finding the meaning between the words. Now you're following his lead. He's making you feel bad. Don't fall for it. If he don't wanna show, leave that dude. He playin.

[deric_97]

I think you're a great girl. But maybe you've met the wrong man.

[LovinLife1969]

If it was me. I would look at the last log on date. If it was recent. Yeah. I would have an issue. But honestly. If a person really wants you. And loves you. And there’s recent activity. No. He or she would remain on tinder and I would be gone.

[orangeinme]

Apologize, and ask for him to remove it. If he doesn't agree, chase that thread. If he agrees then doesn't, find out why he lied.

[LuWe22]

I could be just sitting there (the App) and not being used. Also I think a girlfriend or boyfriend has nothing to do at the others phone. They are private like the Laptop too

[therainman]

I've seen girls on tinder posting pics of their boyfriends so it's not new to me

[HereIbe]

He's lying. Get ready for syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV.

[jimmy2]

hum sure sounds like he hiding somthing. you ask me for my phone i would say here

[Anonymous]

If your gut is telling you something wrong.. then something likely is..

[Meninist]

How do you know he’s using it though

[SpideryBook755]

Confront him, try and find his account

[Anonymous]

Lol typical female behavior. You are...

[Urstupid]

You started it

[2opaz]

dump him

[Iamanintrovert]

Meet him in tinder.