So there is this guy who is a very important part if my life... For the past few years he was my best friend, the person that knows me the best, and i know him just as well... I recently went out of a relationship that was very consuming for me... And we got to spend more time together, one night talking... we admitted we both feel a strong atraction for each other, and there is a nice chemistry between us... We get along great, are very confortable with each other and we are both lonely so we where like... Why not drop the boundaries and help each other? ... From there on we act pretty much like a couple, holding hands, hugging, kissing, i sit on his lap... In public, around his friends... He dosen't have a problem with showing affection towards me, and i dont neither... We also get more and more intimate as time passes (we didn't slept with each other yet but we're getting there quickly) but our feelings towards each other didn't change... We are still best friends... He is in fact aromantic, and im Emotionally unavailable for a number of reasons,... I don't know how to call it, we are less than a couple, more than just friends... And friends with benefits is not the right word, there is a strong emotional connection... Just not a romantic one... Is this OK?
Whoa.. sounds like you should just keep things going as they are and try not to put any expectations on it. Because you're both in a weird place emotionally it could go either way. They way you described it, the "help each other out" part makes me feel it's just friends with benefits. Everything after that makes it sounds like a deep, meaningful, relationship may be brewing slowly, which isn't bad. He has no qualms showing his affection for you in public and with his friends, which is always a good sign (ie he's not just pinching your butt and doing solely sexual things, he's holding your hand and kissing you) I'd say you've got the makings of a pretty great relationship in the works, but if you're not ready be careful about moving forward. You may end up realising it's just because you're lonely and end up hurting him/vice versa
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Asker
+1 y
Yeah... I spent a lot of time time with him and his friends those days, at an activity, and he was with no esitation holding my hand, hugging me from behind, playing wit my hair... All the sweet lovely stuff. If things are meant to be they will happen...
Do you want a relationship of convenience? That sounds like what this is. That's ok for now, as long as your both aware of what it is, call it what you like. Sooner or later one of you will tire of not having enough. If you truly value the relationship put a REAL effort into it. Don't cop out by saying I'm emotionally unavailable. That's bull shit!! If you are that messed up in the head right now you have no business dating and potentially fucking with someone head. You both sound great together. Give it a real effort, go slowly if you like... just do go half ass.
I do put effort... I always did... Before all he is my best friend and i genuinely care about him... I usually have a hard time identifying my emotions... And when Starting a relationship takes me longer to reach a state of deep emotional intimacy...
That may be perfect for you than. After all, every great relationship claims their partner is their best friend! You two are already intimate, but like I said.. make sure you're BOTH in a stable place before settling in and putting a label on it.
I have no doubt you two are great friends. But why are you contemplating sleeping with him if you are sure if your own emotions? That is a serious thing, not to be taken lightly or just for convince. It causes many emotions in itself that will further confuse you. Once you sleep together your relationship will never be the same. I think it's great if your ready to try that. I think you two sound like you have great potential. Don't mess it up for convince. You will loose that friend if that's all it is.
Strange descriptions to me... How do you have strong emotional connection but not romantic feelings towards each other, but then you were able to hug and kiss each other, and almost had sex with each other? Do you feel like you're sleeping with your brother?
It's a difficult and strange relationship. I would say that you're friends with benefits, but if you're acting like a couple, then you probably are.
Or just don't define it at all - if you don't even have a word for it. Things don't have to be black and white. Just let it be gray, as long as none of you gets hurt eventually, since you don't even know what you are, and your expectations aren't clear to each other.
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Asker
+1 y
Well... We used to have that "brother and sister" relationship... But there is also atraction... Its just feels right... You're right, i shouldn't worry about it and just enjoy and live in the moment
This is not okay... and it actually is a friends with benefits... you guys are jumping into things from your heart’s feelings rather than realistically thinking about what’s going on with your minds. There could be a possible chance of rebounding as well because you just got out of relationship recently. If neither of you can commit to each other into an actual couple, you are in fact friends with benefits and both of those can include nonstrong and strong feelings. When you start to think about things later.. especially after going so far w. o thinking, you both will wonder what are we.
Not saying good relationships can’t develop from a friend of the opposite sex which happens some-most times depending on how much time you both spend with each other. Boundaries are kind of a vital part in/during a relationship especially before one because it lets the person know how far they should go with you. You can’t blame or say much if anything else happens when you drop them completely, even if they start to disrespect you. You’re behavior will lead you to deeper feelings you possibly can’t control/hold back especially because you didn’t stop it early and it could feel like a spiral of events going on. It’s viewed as nothing and common today, but when something happens, will you both be prepared to handle it? Hopefully you guys think about things before getting too involved in them and use both your mind n heart on this matter.. careless actions=careless results.
You are rebounding. I've been where you are so I understand your confusion is.
I highly suggest you wait a little while. Remain friends with him but try to distance a little, take a breathnq nd focus on you a bit, then discuss the possibility of a relationship with him when you are more emotionally available.
Believe me when I say that I know how awkward it can be when you jump the gun on a relationship like this after ending one, and then finding out some nasty surprise later on down the road.
If it's just sex you want, there are ways to help yourself, but I still suggest taking a break and just rebuild.
He's emotionally unavailable, you have a legit friendship... but know that sometimes the kissing and stuff can cause a physical attachment for him and emotional attachment for you. If one of you left it would not be easy. What were his previous relationships like? It took my lover a few weeks to a few months to really open up to me. He's very sexual and stoic unless he's laughing or we're joking around. How much has your guy told you about his life/problems/family? Just be patient.😉
Do you think of him as your future partner or will you always see him as friend?
I think you will find your answer in that question. Relationship is what you lead it up to. Sometimes you don't know where it might go and sometimes you know where it can't, so you inhibit.
Think about where it might go and where it might not and you will find your answer. I understand you are in best place with each other, helping each other but then it becomes hard at later stages to even be friends.
He is your crush. About the question if its ok or not, I can't understand it. Im not blaming you, its something which happens a lot of time, but I can't understand it. Why if you love someone who doesn't care about you or you dont have more deep and trust feelings with is ok, but if he is someone who really deserves it then you dont know if its ok or not? I think girls who think like that must question their priorities. About your situation its obvious you can get a deep relation with that man, in all the facets of love including sex, are you going to lose the chance just because there is a real conection?
Take it from me, I would not get involved with him, until you are emotionally available. He is your best friend, and if you move too quickly, then you could lose that best friend relationship... it will eventually become different.
I had the same thing, and lost it 5 months ago. I'm still not over losing that friendship we had.
The best way to know how to label it would be to ask him, both of you create the label. But it sounds like he likes you and it's essentially dating. I'd dont see why else that kind of stuff would be comforting, but that's just me. Friends with different benefits sounds right too
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
It kinda sounds like a relationship, Or at least the relationship I want, I don't know if you want this. But I find it very nice when my partner is my friend before my boyfriend. I also find it nice when we can separate lust from our bond as friends. Plus since he's my friend before, so i have something more to hold on to. I know him more, I trust him more.
Maybe talk to him to see if you two are in agreement what you guys are?
It kinda sounds like your leading him on. Your not emotionally available and you started a relationship with your best Male friend. Sounds like is going to end badly. Sorry, that is just my glass half empty opinion😅
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1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I phrase it wrong... By emotionally unavailable i meant i find a hard time to reach a deep level of emotional intimacy in a new relationship... It can happen but it takes a lot of time, i do have emotional connection with him... But im not sure is a romantic one... On the other hand i asked him "what would you do if I fall in love with you?" and he said that would be complicated for him, because he cares a lot about me, and love me as a friend, but he finds himself being aromantic in relationships, he broke up with his ex after a few weeks of dating, because he couldn't develop any feelings fir her while she was falling in love... He said he xant hear somone telling him "i love you" if he can't do the same just yet, it s unfair
If you are sure it's not just a rebound from your previous relationship (depending on how long ago and if you are done grieving that loss) , it sounds like the basis for a wonderful relationship. Don't over-analyze it or worry about labeling it. Savor it! Many couple don't reach this level.
Of course it's OK! Obviously it makes you happy/happier and there is no need to put relationships into well-defined boxes. Anyway who can say what "romance" is? You seem to have a solid friendship with physical intimacy and that's excellent. So just enjoy it without worrying about defining it.
Quit trying to define things. Go with your emotions. Form an aliance, be a couple. These are the best relationships in the first place. If you always want to be together then perhaps a marriage will become a reality. Don't fight reality - just live in it.
First off it is in fact a friends with benefits relationship everything you two is beneficial which is why key word in that phrase is benefits... but it is but truly you two should try to make something out of it
I think that being good friends while you guys are developing a romantic relationship is not a bad deal. It might be a case as you guys were like good buddies for a long time. Thus this transition phase is feeling bit awkward. But give this a shot as a good friendship is often a solid base for a thriving relationship.
Before sleeping together you gotta figure out are you interested in him. By the sounds of it I think you two can have a good relationship. Seriously speaking don't want another of my brother falling in the friendzone. You should ask him about how strong his feelings are and than assess your feelings towards him and than make a decision.
And if you didn't really like him like that but just because you got out of a relationship you got with him than you are a and selfish friend and this can affect your relationship but if you really didn't know at the time you should probably ask him and yourself before it's too late
We talked about this... I asked at one point "what would you do if i fall in love with you?" as a joke, and he said i would put him in a very difficult position, because he genuinely cares about me, and loves me as a friend but he finds himself rather aromantic in relationships, he broke up with his ex after a few weeks because aftere the initial "liking" he couldn't develop any feelings for her... And for me on the other hand takes a long time before i can reach a deep level if emotional intimacy in a new relationship... If its happening im willing to give our relationship a shot
The thing is if at one point you start liking someone else and leave him he would feel really betrayed because he lives you from his heart. So now you have to ask yourself if you live him or not?
one of my friends had the same situation when we were ur age. once she asked her dad the same question, he was speaking 10 words per year but was really kind (like a huggy bear) and clever. he told her : princess, you gotta pick a bloody side and start act accordingly and let go of safetypads. ☺️ then we haven't hear him speaking for another 200 days 😂 bit seriously, i think its like that.
I don’t know if it went through when I posted it, but honestly you two seem to deeply like and care for each other. There is great potential for this to work and grow. I say go For t howver and patiently as you can
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