Is it wrong that I told my boyfriend to choose between me and his best friend who is a woman?

[Anonymous]

It makes me uncomfortable and it’s one of the reasons I broke up with him actually. I honestly think that when we were together, he actually was closer with her emotionally. I felt like I’d have to compete with her so I ended things. He’s been texting me and calling me and wants me back so I told him if he wants me back he needs to stop hanging out with her. We got into an argument over text and when I said that he never replied.

Updates

+1 y

Why do people come on here and automatically assume shit that was not specifically stated. He has not “known her longer” than me. Quite the opposite actually.

Updates

+1 y

Also I do not and would never have a male best friend so your argument of, “well how would you feel if you had a male best friend..” doesn’t work because that scenario would never apply to me. You know when it would? If the “male best friend” were my boyfriend.

[GiveMeAllTheCookies]

Personally I would spare myself issues in the first place and not be in a relationship with someone who has such a close bond with another woman. I know it would drive me insane.

Romantic relationship is much more to me than mix of friendship and sex, emotional connection I would like to have with my guy should be on a whole different level than the one I have with my friends, because he is my *partner*, and that world implies more depth than friendship, even best friend, it's a connection you don't have with anyone else.
People who see their bfs and gfs as replacable and "come and go" probably shouldn't even be in those relationship at all, because your partner is someone you build your life with, someone you will maybe some day raise children with. You aren't gonna have that with any of your friends.
Imagine yourself with your girl friends. You could spend a day together, lay on the bed together watching a movie and there would be absolutely nothing weird about that, but if you do it with guy friend, suddenly it seems like crossing the boundaries. Because it just is.

So my thoughts are that if you feel that another woman is stealing part of that emotional closeness from you and him, you are right. Of course there are insecure women who will make a big deal out of every woman her guy talks to, but in general I am against so close male female friendships.

Your reaction was wrong in a sense that you won't have a happy outcome with it either way because the situation is as it is. Either he stops hanging out with her and keeps you, in which case he will probably resent you and you will feel bad for taking his friend away, or he will choose her.

[yucychan]

I get where you're coming from. I'll admit it's not gonna be easy knowing that your boyfriend has a female best friend.
You have to ask yourself if your worries/concerns are fair and reasonable. Are you worried solely because she's a girl or did your boyfriend and that girl were involved in anything together that you feel is too intimate for your liking?
If your boyfriend tends to share personal feelings and emotions with his bff instead of you, I feel that the problem lies with you and your boyfriend, not so much on the other girl.
You should actually let him know how uncomfortable you are feeling about his friendship with the other girl, instead of demanding that he choose between the both of you. Work it out like adults, discuss with each other, not argue. If he really loves you and cares for your feelings, he'll make some compromise on his side.
No matter what, you should respect his choices and his freedom to make friends, regardless of gender. That said, I do find it weird that he'd only known this girl later than you and is already his best friend.

[VaIiant]

Not wrong in the slightest. You can’t be in a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable and uncertain.

My current boyfriend, when we started dating, was best friends with an ex of his. They dated about two years ago, for only a few months. He dumped her. I was uncomfortable with it, as I don’t believe girls/guys can be best friends if there was enough chemistry to date in the past.
Their relationship was also MASSIVELY inappropriate and incredibly disrespectful to me.
About six months into dating, she outright said she still had feelings for him. I told him I was no longer comfortable with them being friends. He no longer talks to her in the slightest, and ignores all attempts of hers to contact him. Do what’s best for you and your security in your relationship

[VaIiant]

Asker, just found out he met her WHILE dating you? Unacceptable. Why is he trying to kindle a new relationship, friendship or otherwise, with another woman while dating you?

[Asker]

We had been dating on and off and he met her while I was on holiday for a few months.

[VaIiant]

Do not get back with him.

[Fitness-Fanatic]

Most people would have an issue with their partner being closer to their best friend of the opposite sex.

When you're in a committed relationship, you should both be closer to each other than you are to your friends. Friends don't build a life with you.. They make their own life and you are only a small part of it. So it doesn't make sense to be closer to a friend than you are with the person you want to spend your life with.

I can't understand anyone who jeopardizes their relationship for the sake of a friendship. Unless they haven't been together for long, or they don't envision a long-term future with their partner

[Asker]

Seriously

[Fitness-Fanatic]

Thanks for the MHOv 🌹

[MrCommodore]

He may not like it, but I think you did the right thing.

While I think men and women can be friends with members the opposite sex to a point, if such a friendship begins to supersede their romantic relationship in terms of emotional connection, it becomes a threat to that relationship.

You were right to call him out on it, as he is essentially keeping another girl at his side, under the pretences she is a friend.

[SeaSprayBreeze]

"... if such a friendship begins to supersede their romantic relationship in terms of emotional connection, it becomes a threat to that relationship." Here! Here! And applause.

[MrCommodore]

@SeaSprayBreeze Thanks. I just don't see how a relationship is expected to work with a 3rd party (The other woman) heavily involved in his life. He should know that without his girlfriend having to point out the obvious.

I'm not saying a guy (or girl) can't be friends with other girls/guy's, simply that he must redefine the boundaries of that friendship, because he is already in a relationship. Boundaries are key

[madgoat]

Wow. Not a lot of love for your actions from the others here.
In contrast, I think competing for the love and attention of your partner is demeaning, undermining and corrosive.
If you're not the clear number one in his life, I don't see it working.
I'm not surprised by your actions even if it's hard on him.

[Asker]

Thank you

[StingRayxoxo]

This is spot on.

[Giggletr0n]

You know when people say that most men and women thinking differently? This question is a clear indication of that if you look at the male Vs females thumbs up and down on opposing points.

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you think he has any romantic interest in her? If so, why do you think that?

[OlderAndWiser]

So YOU choose not to have a male best friend. Does that mean that he should not have a female best friend?

[Asker]

Uh yes it does. That’s beside the point. It’s not tit for tat.

[OlderAndWiser]

So you want to insist that he conform to your standards and do whatever you demand instead of accepting him as he is? How much longer do you think this relationship will last, and how many of your relationships will have ended because of your attitude?

[Sushma172]

Hey! I know it's been a yr since you have posted. Hope you are doing well I think I have had exact same situation with my boyfriend. He became close to this girl who was his high school crush. He started spending more time with her than me. Give her gifts which he never did with anyone. I can see clearly that it is not friendship. I told my feelings and requested him to reduce spending time with her. He promised me and lied many times. After 2 years of struggling with this, I decided to breakup, then he stopped talking to her. I don't really know if they are really friends or more. It doesn't matter. If you are uncomfortable with anything, your partner and you both together fix the situation and move on. If his priority is not you then breaking up is the right decision. We both were immature, I'm still struggling to move on from his lies and my jealousy. Even I created truama for him. We kind of forgive eachother. But I still can't be in that situation. That woman was kind of disrespectful to my feelings. I can't accept her in my life. I am ok if we wanted to choose her also. I just couldn't be in that situation.

[cocobae]

Hey everyone. so, I've known my boyfriend for 2 years. we started dating not that while ago.
Basically he has friends that I ADORE! But in the same time he has these 2 chick friends (one he calls his bff) none of them are mature, none of these two girls are even appropriate in this (his) group.
We had a chill like a week ago, and all of his friends were cool as f, moments later these two girls came and clearly none of his friends liked them.
Anyways this chick (his bff) was clearly flirty as hell😂 and im like what 😂 the hell.
I didn't like the vibe she and her friend share
His bday is coming up and I feel like if he actually means when he says "i love u" he won't bring 2 girls that i just dont like, i told him straight up my opinion. and he said that he would get pretty upset if a guy would act like that w me and be calling himself a friend still.
Anyways I don't know if I should talk to him rn because i dont wanna be that girl that makes a guy choose. But in the same time he is building a fam w me, not w them. I ADORE his main squad, but these to ho*s are just not good.

[btbc92]

Yes. You broke up with him once, and that should have been enough. You had no right to take him away from her. You cannot stop him from loving other people. But he is with you romantically. Your jealousy and lack of emotional connection with others is showing that your toxic, and is not good for him. Your the one that is not really stable. If his friend liked him in that way, then she would have said something. In what way did she give the impression that she was bad for him? He doesn't have feeling for her. And now you've only pushed him away. More and likely towards her who would not treat him like you did. That was unnecessarily. Your own trust issues is your relationships worse enemy and you need counseling.

[Asker]

Where are people getting the idea that I am “taking her away from him?” I’m stating that of he wants to be with me, he needs to stop hanging out with her. I’m not DOING anything. I’m leaving it up to him.

[btbc92]

That shouldn't even come out of your mouth! If he is so bad you should have just left them alone the moment you broke up with him. He does not deserve that kind of mental abuse. Your actions are unwarranted and is very childish. If he was actually cheating on you that is a different story. But he is not cheating on you. You just jealous you don't have that same amount emotional connection as she does to him. That's why you don't date strangers you date a friend among friends who already know each other and it's in an agreement to you dating the person you want to date. It's simply common sense that you are not feel that same kind of emotional connection to a stranger unless you had enough time with them to actually know what kind of person they are. Some people will always have a stronger bond to those they were friends with then those that they are as lovers with. Is a different type of dimension. If you want that much of a deep connection with a person, you have to learn to be a friend first. And that is not what you did and that is not what you're doing. You both are simply not compatible for each other and it's just something that you already knew from the start and you taking it out on innocent person.

[btbc92]

You are doing something and you don't want to see it because you want to feel good about how you choose to go about your choices. They can pretty much see right through you. You give no evidence of him cheating on you. You gave no evidence that she was trying to take away most of his time from you, we shouldn't even be happening because he should equally have as much time with his friends and balance it out. You should be making plans to spend time with his friends and learn more about each other. Not avoid each other like the plague. You should be investing more in his life instead of trying to fix and change him in to somebody he doesn't even want to be. And if you had to make a man cry like that, and there is no rational reason why he should. That shows you really do not love that man and you really need to move on.

[btbc92]

You have to understand that he is with her because he wants to. He is dating you because he wants to. How would you like it if you had male friends, would sounds like you don't really have much of oh, and he out of the blue tells you to dump all your male friends because you have more of an emotional connection with these guys instead of having it all on him? Do you know what we call that? Narcissistic abuse.

[Asker]

Yeah but the difference is, I’m not disrespectful about it. I don’t hang out with my male friends. I keep my distance AS DO THEY since all of them are either married or in committed relationships. It’s just fucking what you do.

[btbc92]

No that is based out of your personal choice. Not what you have to do there is no rule that says you do so. That's you neglecting your friends. And that is not stable relationship between such friends if you got to do that. That's you too caught up in a person and acting Outlaws if you are married and that your wife and you have every right to try to dictate what your partner doesn't don't do. No offense I got new Flash with you. You are not the wife. You are just a girlfriend that is easily replaceable as you just easily disposed him which is wrong. You are being very disrespectful about it because you're too demanding and clingy. With my close friend that I have been friends with for over 10 plus years and still close friend who I considered family and a sister, got involved with so many ex boyfriends and now ex-husband that I have known about since the time we met in high school got involved. I didn't neglect her as a friend. And she didn't neglect me as a friend. The only time she started doing it was when she became sexually involved with her first sex partner, who she eventually regret it in the end, because as Christians she knew that premarital sex was a sin. She wanted to use me as an scapegoat so she could have continued fooling around with her ex behind her mom's back. And that really hurt me. She was willing to give up God, her family, me, everything that she knew all for this one person only for him to keep neglecting her, abusing her mentally and emotionally, dumped her repeatedly and on and off relationship only for him to tell her that he was sleeping around with five different girls after her.

[btbc92]

You cannot control his life. When they are married they are married. But you still reconnect and grow together otherwise why are you even friends in the first place? If you have to isolate yourself that badly and neglect your friends then you don't need friends. It's just that simple. The only logical reason you ever cut off a person, is when they have shown that they are not good for your life and they bring no substance to it. For him, that girl you keep shaming it is always jealous of is that substance for him. If he's spending a lot more time with her over you. I would say that you were the one that drove him away from the very beginning, because it's something about your character that says that you're not secure in your life in your relationships. You having to seek validation is a personal issue when it's this extreme. At that point I don't even think you should be looking for him to text you back because he's not going to go back where there's so much abuse.

[btbc92]

As if your married and that your the wife. Like I said before. If he is so much of a bad guy and is neglecting you all the time why would you even give him the ability to even want you back? Because you making him out to be a cheater. And once a cheater is always a cheater right? If he's cheating why you giving him another second chance to come back to your life knowing this? I think you seriously need to take a serious break from dating a person and truly figure out how you want to be treated as a person, and why are you even dating in the first place. I would rather avoid the kind of person you dated known that he already has a close emotional bond with somebody else, and put myself through all that heartache. Instead of shaming him for decision I chose to make. Now if he ends up dating another girl that isn't his close friend, you going to look real stupid. Not here to bash you but that's all I got to say.

[Sabretooth]

You're making a big deal about nothing-and I mean that in the most literal sense.

[btbc92]

I am not making a big deal out of noting. If you got treat others like that, don't be around others at all, that's what I say. That's horrible to treat people like that, and others want to know why they getting treated so poorly because they allow that crap to go on and nobody tell others the truth.

[btbc92]

Asker you make no sense at all and just sounds really bitter and childish. Now is going to make a lot more sense to him to date that girl since you want to apply that logic and stop getting upset about it. Doesn't matter who know who first at the end of the day A friend is still a friend.

[Sabretooth]

Not talking to you

[Glue-Sniffer]

In a relationship eventually your partner becomes your best friend. That is the ultimate goal and I absolutely understand how you must feel when you get the feeling that this will never happen because that slot in his life has already been filled.
Don't listen to the people on here. They are for the most part clueless single guys who think the world should spin according to their fantasies, and when they get dumped or rejected by women they like to play the role of the victim.
Your expectations are not out of the norms. Even if your boyfriend is spending time with another female he should always give you the feeling that you are the most important person. And he should ideally share his thoughts and emotions with you before his friends. If he fails to do that I don't think it is unreasonable to get out of the relationship because your emotional needs should be met in a relationship and if this doesn't happen you know it's just not right.

[Alpha09]

Depends. If they have been best friends for years then you can't expect him to just up and hang her out to dry over someone he's known for a short time. Of course he's going to be closer with her emotionally that's kinda how friendship works. You had to building that kind of connection with him yourself, but it's going to take time like with any relationship. Now if he's just spending time with her and not being open with you at all then that's obviously a problem. If she's manipulating your relationship on purpose then that is also a problem. But if she's just being the friend that she's always been to him and your feeling left out she's not the problem. It's you and your boyfriend who have the issue.

[Asker]

He’s known me twice as long as he has known her

[Asker]

“Of course he's going to be closer with her emotionally that's kinda how friendship works.” ummmm, no.

[Alpha09]

Well then maybe he just doesn't connect with you on the level your looking for. Being together doesn't guarantee that, it happens. For a relationship to really work, you have to be good friends if not best friends and that doesn't sound like the case. It sucks but maybe moving on is the best for both of you.

[winterfox10]

I've always felt that people who are casual friends with the other gender are basically just saying that even though they love the person; they can't/wouldn't have sex with them. I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him to tone down the friendship at all.

I am in a situation like that with a few of my GF's guy friends. They have never been romantically involved, and I've never even slightly gotten a weird vibe like that; I just feel that it's disrespectful for someone to spend more time/effort on people who aren't their partner, than they do with their partner.

[tenukitanuki]

I see both sides of a very one dimensional representation of your situation. Is it wrong? What is wrong?

Do you feel wrong for having done it? Is this your actionable regret manifesting far away from this conflict between yourself and them? Wouldn't want them to know you've second guessed yourself, weakened your own resolve...

You pushed him away before you could be hurt by their friendship. Ultimately, he must not be right for you and I'm sure he doesn't feel that he's right for you now (given your ultimatum).

I'll give you a big tip for dealing with any kind of idealistic, stubborn romantic: do not pit them an ultimatum if you want them to actually choose you. They will not. And honestly, you don't want them to anyway. That's why you do it in the first place. Easier to be right when you make yourself right, isn't it?

[Asker]

Yeah pretty much. I didn’t expect him to...

[Lavinnykins]

What you said was wrong. My ex said that to me about my best friend who - quite frankly - has always been a constant in the last 13 years to me and has never let me down when I've needed him most. In my last relationship, I ended up pushing my best friend away when I wanted him most, but it was what my ex wanted. Now I'm in a new relationship with someone the complete opposite who keeps asking when I'm seeing my best friend and wants to spend time with all of us together. That's how it should be.

[HomoFuge]

You haven't told us much about this female friend. If this female friend has had a friendship with this guy for a very long time, e. g. at least five years or more then I think that would be an unfair demand. You're asking him to end a long-term friendship for a relationship that neither of you know how long will last. That is a huge gamble to take.

You also need to assess what is it about him having this female friend in his life makes you uncomfortable. Do you feel that she has feelings for this guy or that she dislikes you and tried to break you two up?

[B-radley]

Completely off limits. He has known her longer, makes sense they are closer. I'm sure you have friends that know more about you than he does.

The difference between you and her is she is platonic and you are romantic. He wants to sleep with you and not her. Do you not have friends that you don't want to sleep with?

What would you do if he demanded you to drop your bestfriend? You either trust your boyfriend not to cheat or you don't. If he's going to cheat, isolating him from his bestfriend will not stop that.

[SeaSprayBreeze]

But the differentiating factor between a relationship and a friendship is not only sleeping with someone, it's much more than that. To me it is. It's a deep friendship, connection, etc.

[Asker]

“What would you do if he demanded you to drop your bestfriend?“
I’m going to answer this question the same way I did earlier. And that is to say that I don’t have male best friends. I either see my my male friends at work or we message each other but we don’t hang out. And almost all of them are married or in committed relationships.

[Asker]

No, he has not “known her longer.” Quite he opposite actually. Why do people come on here and automatically just assume shit. Saying I’m “taking her away from him.” I’m not doing shit.

[B-radley]

@SeaSprayBreeze you're absolutely right but for times sake, I left it short.

@OP no, your bestfriend. Male or female. His bestfriend has a great importance to him like yours would to you. What would you do if he gave you an ultimatum? In general people do not like ultimatums, they almost never work in ones favor. There're much better ways to go about this. Do you trust him not to cheat? Not her but him?

[VaIiant]

there's a HUGE difference in a friendship between same sex, and opposite sex. Your partner should never come second to someone else.

[Asker]

@VaIiant agreed

[B-radley]

@Valiant what is the difference? A friend is a friend. Do you want to sleep with all your guy friends? Should your boyfriend view all guys as a threat to your relationship? That's ridiculous.

That's true. Don't come second. The question raised is if you can give them the ultimatum to choose between you and a friend. My opinion is you can't. It will build resentment. It will not create a healthy relationship. If you are truly threatened by her existence and you don't trust your boyfriend to not cheat, then what are you doing with him? If he's going to cheat, he will. Controlling who he hangs out with will drive you crazy with worry. It will push him away.

[VaIiant]

Its not an ultimatum. She broke up with him. Its a condition, as he's trying to get her back.

[B-radley]

@Valiant nice dodge on all the other valid questions lol

[VaIiant]

1. I do not have close male friends, aside from childhood ones. I’ve never sought out a male bestie while dating someone. My boyfriend is my best friend.
1. My boyfriend would and should view any guy I put above our relationship as a threat.
3. Like I explained, not an ultimatum

[B-radley]

@Valiant "I do not have close male friends" sweet so you've never been in this situation. Got ittt.

It's all about trust. Do you trust or not. If you don't, breakup 🤷‍♂️

Yes it is lol. You can have me or you can have her but not both. You can word it however you want but that's the 2 choices.

[SeaSprayBreeze]

And that's the way it should be. It's one girl or the other. Not both. And like others have said, we're not saying they can't have casual female friends, but as far as a close friendship, it's one person or the other.

[B-radley]

@SeaSprayBreeze we will have to agree to disagree. If I have concerns about a SO's bestfriend I will raise it to them but I will not tell them it's me or them. That's super controlling and a textbook example of an abusive relationship. I either trust my SO or I don't. The end of the day, not everyone is a match with everyone unfortunately.

[VaIiant]

I said “aside from childhood ones”. I have close male friends- but no one id value above my boyfriend such as asker does. you seem like a man who’d do the same thing Askers boyfriend does, so shut the fuck up.

[B-radley]

@Valiant nope, I don't have any close female friends like that but my ex had a bestfriend who was male. We were long distance. Could she cheat? Sure. Did she? 🤷‍♂️ I doubt it. Why go through the hassle of a long distance relationship to sleep with your bestfriend when all you had to do was date him instead. I've been in the askers shoes and I didn't ask her to drop a friend over me lol.

Someone is way triggered 😂😂
agree to disagree lol
Some people aren't meant to be together lmao

[SeaSprayBreeze]

I DO NOT do the whole guy having a female best friend while in a relationship with someone else. The person he is in a relationship with should be, or become, his best and closest female friend. If the relationship is progressing between a man and his significant other, the relationship he has with his best female friend should naturally fade out to a more casual level. And the relationship with his significant other should naturally be growing and strengthening.

"I honestly think that when we were together, he actually was closer with her emotionally." That is awful. And I understand you not liking that.

(And this can be applied in vice versa, a woman and a man.)

[jessuper]

I think you need to give us some back ground on his opinions with this, as well. Did you talk to him about this? A civilized, mature conversation about your insecurities and what he can do to comfort you while still being in contact with this person?
Honestly, friends before partners is a good rule. Unless you and him are extremely serious and in love and there is a reason for you to be so controlling, he has every right to choose his best friend over you. I'm sure his friendship will last longer than your relationship, and it's unfair to make him choose one of you.

Think of it this way. If your best friend was a male and you cared about him a lot, but your boyfriend barged in saying it's him or your best friend, who would you choose? The best friend who would never control you, force you to choose sides, etc? Or the boyfriend who is being toxic and forcing you to choose while being petty, insecure, and controlling?

[Asker]

“If your best friend was a male and you cared about him a lot, but your boyfriend barged in saying it's him or your best friend, who would you choose? ”

First of all, I don’t have guy best friends. I have friends who are guys but I don’t hang out with them. I either see them at work or we just talk via messenger. So this scenario doesn’t apply to me.

[Daniela1982]

Never try and dictate to someone that you are more important then their friends. In most instances their friends have been with them, and had their backs, longer than they knew you. If some flake dumps you over some new acquaintance then they weren't worth having as a friend to begin with. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

[bklynbadboy1]

First off dont do that to yourself your feelings are valid and if you dont like something you have every right to speak up about it. Secondly you feel that way for a reason if he loved you he would address it so thing could begin to get better and thirdly when your in a relationship you shouldn't need a girl to be your best friend your girlfriend should be that for you. The problem is their friendship has no clear cut boundaries and that needs to be established

[Shivey]

Nice bs and insecure answer.

[bklynbadboy1]

You think so

[Shivey]

For sure. Except for the speakers up part.

The rest is trying to control something that should be (and is) someone's choice. Which you would only want if you are uncertain about the outcome.

[bklynbadboy1]

I guess you could say that but she has a choice she could either deal with it or not deal with it. I know if that was me and I cared about her and wanted her in my life as a man it's my job to address it so we can find a solution or at least find so. common ground

[Shivey]

She does have that choice. In this case dealing with it is accepting it or working on herself instead of working on her boyfriend

[bklynbadboy1]

So you dont think as her man he should be reassuring her instead of doing nothing about it

[Shivey]

Indeed. In fact he can't. Since it is her insecurity, there is nothing, he can do to change that.

Since the ultimate thing he can do to show he cares for his girl and not for his friend, is have a relationship with her and not with his friend. Which is already the case.

Also in general : if you have a problem, you can only fix it within you. Everything outside of that is an illusion.

And I'm speaking out of experience. Where I was the guy, you describe. Tried everything to reassure her. Nothing helped. Which isn't surprising as the problem is in her, not the outside world.

[bklynbadboy1]

Did you read the whole thing cause he met this girl while he was with his girl. Listen we grown men what does that sound like to you

[Shivey]

Exactly my point. Assuming it is something = insecure.

If she feels something is going on (no matter if it's true or not) she should deal with that. That can be by asking questions and then believing it or not, or by working on herself, or something else.

If nothing helps, then there is one final solution, break up, cause she doesn't feel like she think she should feel.

[Shivey]

Thanks by the way for sharing your perspective and taking the time to respond politely.

[bklynbadboy1]

I agree but you do understand he created this problem. We're human bruh it's not about weather it's TRUE or not it's about what it looks like think about it for a sec. If that was you and your girl was like that with another dude would you stay with her

[bklynbadboy1]

And thanks for sharing your this is the way its supposed to be two brothers disagreeing but not being disrespectful. I like your style bruh Real talk

[Shivey]

If it where me... Depends on how it made me feel. As long as I don't pick up those tiny signals I'm down with it.

You know, basic stuff. Spend more time there then with me? Seems to me you should stay 😉

But other wise... True alphas don't need to bark.

[gorman24]

Meh. In my opinion you need to trust. Ultimatums usually kill relationships. So what if you have a best friend that is a girl or a guy if you are the opposite.. Your partner should be secure and trust you. If they don't then they shouldn't be together in the first place.

[Asker]

I already ended the relationship. I just said that so he would stop bothering me.

[brittslitt]

No he ended it with you that's why he never replied😩

[eden94]

If he just randomly started hanging out with a new woman I would be suspicious as well. But if she is his best friend you don't have any right to end that friendship.

[Asker]

I don’t have a right. But he can choose between me or her. His choice.

[Shivey]

His contact with others are none of your concerns. You should act and focus based and your relationship with him alone.

Feel insecure by her presence, step up your game. Why would he ever leave the perfect girlfriend.

And if does decide to get closer, then you and him weren't going to last anyways.

[ChocolateBrowny]

Asking him to choose was not a great idea however if it made you feel bad, he has to acknowledge that and really if he wanted to be with you then he'd have to dump his friend. However he'd just keep the friendship a secret from you which would be worse as your placing the attention onto them and the feeling of jealousy could possibly ignite attraction between them. I've taken my best friend off all social media when she was being nosy about a girlfriend or trying to act jealous in some way.

[jgokgotit]

You are not wrong for wanting what you want. I believe that, if you are dating someone you wish to marry eventually, they should be your best friend, period. This might sound weird coming from a guy, but when I have a wife, I want her to be my best friend because she is the only person in the world who will be with me everyday of my life. My friends are very loyal, but they will one day have families and we will inevitably hang out less.

[Themartialartist]

Thats just wrong. That's really not right at all. One of my best friends is a girl. To be honest, relationships don't tend to last but friendships do. Friends are an extension of family. That's just despicable. No offence but you're toxic

[fueledbythc]

i think you're completely overreacting. if the woman is his best friend then thats part of the deal of being with him. i bet you wouldn't be like that if his best friend was a guy instead. it really does sound like you're the problem in this situation and if you're gonna force him to choose he's picking his best friend as any rational man would.

[worldscolide]

Sorry. No if someone did that to me I'd tell them to kick rocks. I dont allow any one to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with.. women that do that are damaged and deeply insecure, and aren't worth dating.

[worldscolide]

I think you're just ass hurt over the fact that most of the responses disagree with you.. your update proves it..

[humanearth]

Bros before hoes. I'm sure you heard of that saying.

I have a female best friend we been friends before high school. And if my girlfriend told me that. She would be gone. Girlfriends come and go. But best friends are forever.

[Asker]

The difference is, she’s not a bro, she’s a woman

[humanearth]

No if you knew her. It would be bro

[Anonymous]

You sound insecure and controlling as fuck 🤣 he’s allowed to have friends and if you’re that insecure to not feel comfortable with him having other female friends then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place. And the fact that you feel like you’re having to compete with another female is sad asf. You need to work on your self esteem before getting into a relationship. So many of my close friends are guys and if a guy I was dating told me to choose between him or my best friend who’s a guy I’d obviously choose my best friend because I’d never put a guy before my friend.

[Asker]

Uh yeah you’re putting a guy before your boyfriend. that’s fucked up

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t have a boyfriend rn but no a friend before my boyfriend that so happens to be a guy.

[Opinion Owner]

What’s fucked up is choosing a guy over a friend 🤣

[brittslitt]

You got that right ! she is immature and insecure. like the above user said," the friend must look better than her". On top of that she's an anon so imaging how hideous she looks

[TacocaT6969]

Asking someone to choose between their best friend and you is fucked up to say the least.

You may want to see a psychologist because that’s not a healthy thing to do.

[Kitty46]

I don’t see why a guy have to give up his best friend who is a woman, I think that stupid, you should have trust. What if you have a best friend who is a man, would you dump him?

[Asker]

I don’t have male best friends...

[Anonymous]

Understandable, why put yourself in the the position to feel insecure and worried. He will have to make his own decision about what he feels is right and what is more important to him and you will have to stay true to your personal boundaries.

If both parties don't agree on what is appropriate vs what is inappropriate You'll have these issues.

[Soft4u]

I think you were wrong, his friends are important to him and you being jealous over that wasn't going to make him change.
My ex was the same as you, I have two very close friends that are guys, he did the ultimatum thing to me like you did with your boyfriend, I still have my two friends.

[Asker]

Would your two guy friends hook up with you if you offered it to them?

[Soft4u]

No they're close friends they would never cross the line, when my ex gave me the choice of them or him I spoke with them about it, they both were willing to not contact me any longer in order to save my relationship. It was an easy choice for me, I'm single but I still have my two guy friends.

[Sabretooth]

Don't hear about many girls strong enough to take that stand-impressive

[alohaahyes]

Yes. I think you should get to know the woman, try to understand their friendship, and then decide if y'all should get back together. If he's trying to get back together then he must really like you. I wouldn't want to lose that.

[elissa23Trans]

It is a bit childish in my opinion. As if adults can’t have friends. Why do you need to keep every female out of his neighbourhood? Do you don’t trust him? Because relationships are built on trust.

[Asker]

Every female? That’s NOT what this is about. This is about a woman who he is very close with emotionally... like did you even read the question?

[elissa23Trans]

I did read the question and my answer stays the same. You can’t forbid him to build up a friendship with someone. It is unhealthy and possessive. If you will treat him this way, you are pushing him away, cause it shows a lack of trust from your side to his.

[Cammy137]

Id stop replying as well. If someone told me to choose between them and any of my friends (never mind just my best friend), id be done. Nobody who truly cares about me would never force me to make that decision.

[brittslitt]

she's insecure

[MannMitAntworten]

You have known him longer yet they have what appears to be a stronger emotional connection, eh? It does sound like moving on without him might be in you best interest.

[Hurdleez-Swampede]

Yes you were wrong. He should have had some dignity and slapped you across the face like I would have done.

You don‘t have foreknowledge so you can‘t know what you would never have such as a male best friend. A best friend is a best friend regardless of sex. You don‘t choose your friends. Friends are determined by factors outside our choices.

[SentientBrick]

Its not good to make others choose between friends and yourself. Thats actually a sign of a abusive relationship.

[VaIiant]

No, it isn't. Not unless its all of their friends and just wanting to be the only person in their life, its a case by case scenario. For example:

My current boyfriend had a friend (not so much a close friend, but someone he hung out with just because of other friends). This friend was known for being a pervert and faced sexual assault/harassment charges as well from numerous women. Definition of an INCEL He was also oddly obsessed with my boyfriend. Upon meeting me, he became obsessed with me and made advances towards me. Upon rejection, he would shit talk me 24/7. Got numerous snapchat accounts to harass me, called me a slut and a place for my boyfriend to stick his dick in when he's bored. I demanded my boyfriend cease associating with him immediately. He did. Am I "abusive"?

[SentientBrick]

Comparing you EX's friend to a man who hates women and is verbally aggressive is a false equivalency. Going by what you said in the original post, the only issue you have with EX's friend is that it made you feel insecure when he spent time with her. Not that she was verbally aggressive or abusive. Also not all abusive relationships are switch like with their isolation of the abused. Often the person is progressively isolated away from friends and family. Now to be clear I'm not saying your being abusive. I dont know enough to say either way. I'm just implying that forcing ultimatums on your SO based on insecurities instead of observed behaviour is unhealthy.

[VaIiant]

I think you completely misread what I said... “Ex’s friend”? What? Asker feels extremely threatened and has observed her boyfriend prioritized a woman who he met WHILE DATING HER.

[SentientBrick]

Whoop, thought you were the asker. Threw me off with the story of the incel douch bag 😅. Anyway, Could you quote the exact text that implys that she feels "extremely threatened"? From what iv read I can see insecurity, lack communication and then a forced ultimatum. I can see no mention of violence verbal, physical, or otherwise.

[SentientBrick]

AHHHHH, I see now. The update I was going off the original post. I was under the persumption that she started the relationship with him already having a best friend that was girl. Not him meeting someone new and then him progressively spending more time with them. I think I do now agree with you she has some good reason to move on.

[VaIiant]

Yeah. If they were friends for a while prior, it would be a different scenario.

[berwise13]

Im glad you clarified some things. I think its wrong for a man or women to say choose between me & your best friend but only if there best friend is there same sex. So i feel in your situation you were right to give him the choice. He probly realizes now he made wrong choice.

[EpicDweeb]

I feel like it's a bs ultimatum but quite frankly I think if someone is your best friend... and you are in a relationship with someone other than them... you made a poor choice in the first place.

[krism]

Well, if their relationship is negatively affecting yours, then you should then you of course could make him choose... but the outcome will either be the end of your relationship now or it will cause resentment which itself is likely to bring an end to your relationship

[Inexpensivefurniture]

Yeah it's pretty shitty to try and make someone give up a friendship

[Giggletr0n]

Yeah, it's really very controlling of you, way to play the insecure card

[1828avaava1828]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhRMeiyret0

[Asker]

Was. That Quentin Tarantino dressed as a woman?

[1828avaava1828]

lmfao!!

[slatyb]

It's not wrong. It wasn't working for you. Understandable -- if he's ditching you to be with her, is he really with you?

[MsPinkUnicorn]

I think your problem is jealousy and I think your insecure
He having a girl best friend isn't the problem
If they haven't done anything romantic or shown signs of attraction I dont see why he would have to break up their friendship for you.

[LuWe22]

Yes. They were longer friends than you and him are together. It's disrespectful to forbit him contact. He is not your property he is it own person.

[Asker]

No they weren’t.

[VaIiant]

Why are you assuming things? @LuWe22 . Asker NEVER said he knew her prior.

[LuWe22]

If you are this insecure It's best if you stay away from him. Just because she is a women does not mean that he wants her to be than more of a friend. Women and Men can have strictly platonic relationship.

[VaIiant]

When the other woman becomes more important to him emotionally during their relationship, it becomes inappropriate. ESPECIALLY when he sought that friendship out while dating Asker.

doesn't excuse you assuming shit, by the way. But piss poor attempt to cover your own ass.

[LuWe22]

She never stated how long they were together and when he and she had an friendship. Are you here Personal Guard? Do you know Asker or why are you defending her? She did not give us much Infos. They broke up so it's her loss. Giving rules is low and not get right.

[VaIiant]

Hypocritical much? YOU didn't know that either- but still assumed it, against Askers favor. And I did know, as I read all the comments.

[LuWe22]

Are you against opposite gender friendships? Why can't he make female friends while in a relationship? Why is that inappropriate to have a female friend and share emotion with her? I just don't understand what is wrong with that.

[VaIiant]

It’s inappropriate when it supersedes your romantic relationship and becomes priority to your girlfriend

[brittslitt]

@Valiant grow up if you dont like her opunuon because your self esteem is so low that you feel the need to troll other accounts and use a fake profile pic then just leave 😩🤣.. grow tf up alread

[brittslitt]

@LuWe22 valiant is insecure

[brittslitt]

*opinion

[brittslitt]

Valiant is insecure with a fake profile pic. so she will never understand. the funny thing is the pic she's using is my Instagram friend😩🤦🏼‍♀️

[LuWe22]

I do believe that friendship is very important and you can make compromise. You can spend time with your girlfriend but you also should time with friends.

[brittslitt]

I absolutely agree. i have Male friends from years ago and if we really wanted to be together we would have. he has a girlfriend and she's confident enough to know that he

[brittslitt]

Loves her and there is nothing more than a friend ship between him and i

[brittslitt]

I never had an issue with my boyfriends having lady friends. im secure with me. Valiant self esteem is low hints the fake profile pic

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt excuse me bitch? You’re just outright lying. This picture is me. Why don’t you link your friends Instagram, hmm? Rather convenient I’d be using YOUR friends. I’m flattered that you find me so attractive you think I’m a catfish.

[brittslitt]

You must be referring to your mother dear.🤣

[brittslitt]

You're catfishing hun. The girl follows me and if you like I will gladly post the link to her profile here and inform her someone is using her pic which is fraud

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt Please do, as that photo is me. I could change it to 200 photos of the same woman, as the woman is me. Just because you’re upset because of our previous encounters, and because I’m more attractive than you, doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch.
(Yes, I know you use an Australian model as your profile picture and that it’s not you)

[brittslitt]

Surrrreee gurl.. I am not Australian 🤣🤣🤣🤣.. take Lauren pick down.. I don't know why you're so insecure

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt Link the Instagram where my photos apparently are. You’re all talk but can’t back your words up.

[brittslitt]

Girl bye 🤣🤣 u should know you stole her pic

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt LMAO. Obviously I didn’t, since you kept threatening to link the Instagram but as I called you on your bullshit you can’t. Shut the fuck up

[brittslitt]

Girl bye the lies.

[brittslitt]

😩😩insecurity must friends at its finest

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt Why won’t you link this supposed Instagram account? If it’s “your friend” and I “stole the photo” why not prove if

[brittslitt]

You already have her page thief. That is how you got her picture. you are a real weirdo and insecure seek therapy. when you go as far as stealing someone else's picture you are not happy with yourself. Get help

[brittslitt]

Again bye and you're blocked

[brittslitt]

Take a live picture right now then holding up a sign with todays date. you can't because that is not u

[brittslitt]

You are mentally ill

[Asker]

@brittslitt lol you’re the one with the fake pictures. Projecting much?

[brittslitt]

@asker you're an insecure anon whose boyfriend is screwing his friend🤣😩take several seats and worry about solving your beloved issues

[brittslitt]

You're getting played much? ugly much? insecure much?😩😩

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt Funny that you can't link the Instagram page😂Maybe because it doesn’t exist? Shut the fuck up with YOUR fake Instagram pictures from a model 😂😂 A famous one too, that’s definitely not you based on language and age. You’re pathetic. I don’t have to prove myself to you with some sign and date, if you won’t simply link an Instagram to me

[brittslitt]

That's what I thought. you won't post a picture with todays date. the end

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt Link me the Instagram honey.

[brittslitt]

😩🤦🏼‍♀️🤣so sad

[brittslitt]

Link you? tuh it's in my mytake about you🤣🤣.

[brittslitt]

They seem to agree you stole her pic. work on yourself esteem you angry stalker weirdo. if you're not going to post a pic up with todays date i dont want to hear it. fraud

[VaIiant]

@brittslitt why don’t you link the MyTake as well then? Or are you scared

[VaIiant]

And why would I care if you’re “not gonna hear it”😂You’re just some pathetic troll whose fun to mess with. Why would I care if some bitch on GaG is openly lying? If you weren’t, you’d link the Instagram. Your story is so see through it’s laughable. Just accept the fact I’m attractive. I certainly get the benefits of it.

[pleasestopthis]

You may not like it if he has a female friend, and I understand it, but giving ultimatums and making someone choose is just lame and you're most likely to end up losing. You just end things without an ultimatum if things are wrong.

[PrettyRegular]

I think he deserves someone, who lets him to have friends. Change your attitude before dating anyone.

[VaIiant]

Change yours- everyone has the right to their feelings.

[Asker]

I let them have friends who respect boundaries.

[worldscolide]

@Valiant of course everyone has a right to their feelings, no one has a right to impose their feelings or will on others in the form of ultimatums.. there is the difference, you would do well to recognize that.

[VaIiant]

@worldscolide this was not an ultimatum? The hell? She dumped him prior to this. It’s simply her condition for getting back together with him.

[worldscolide]

@VaIiant irrelevant. She is posing an "Its me or your friend" Kind of situation. If someone did that to me honestly that person is not worth my time. Making someone choose is one of the most manipulative disgusting and evil things a person can do. i say he dodged a bullet..

[VaIiant]

@worldscolide you’re missing the point. She’s not forcing him to choose LOL. She won’t get back with him if he’s still with the same reason they broke up. So what if it’s tOxic? They’re not dating.

[alexa_smitt_14]

It depends don’t give him an ultimatum but sometimes people are just closer to others

[KavyaReddy94]

No you did the right thing. Guys and girls can’t be just friends. I won’t date a guy who has female friends.

[iFarted]

Just find a boyfriend that doesn't have super close female friends then.. obvs its not gonna work for you cause you dont trust him and/or you're insecure.

[PrincessGrail]

He might like her

[Asker]

He swears he doesn’t but idc. I think their relationship is inappropriate. It would be fine if he wanted to remain single but once you wanna be serious with a woman, you need to back off from others. I don’t get why people have such a problem with this

[PrincessGrail]

If she has a boyfriend, it might be ok. You guys could double date.

[Asker]

She’s single. She knows more about his life than I do. Has been to his work more than I have

[PrincessGrail]

That worries me

[PrincessGrail]

He should be less intimate with her

[Asker]

It disgusts me, honestly. To the point where I’m thinking, “why does he even want to be with me?”

[SentientBrick]

Maybes and insecurities are not a good basis to make relationship choices. Both have more to do with fear and supposition than actions and events.

[PrincessGrail]

Nothing wrong with a guy having female friends, but you should be first in his life.

[YHL6965]

Yes, it's wrong. Stop being possessive, let your partner live and breathe. You are the one lacking trust so the problem is YOURS, it is YOUR responsibility to fix that.

[pizzalovershouse]

forget taking him back if be has commitment problems

[Unit1]

He's trying to get you back? That's So disappointing from him. 🙄
He should man up and move on.

[Agem123]

No, it's not. You set your boundaries and there's nothing wrong with that.

[ma1022864]

It looks like he dumped you for that woman, given the fact that he didn't message you back.
But what you did was wrong somehow, too much jealousy.

[Vesta]

Nope

You have every right to screw up your relationship with him

[naughtyone]

You should get either a tighter fanny (arse) or let some sand out of your vagina

[Anonymous]

You're insecure overall and because his friend looks better than you.

[Chanel1981]

How long ago was this?

[Asker]

How long since I broke up w him?

[Asker]

It was today that we were texting and I told him to stop hanging out with her if he wants me back

[Soft4u]

It's so annoying when someone answers a question with a question.
@Chanel1981 you should know better, Guru

[Chanel1981]

Perhaps he's thinking it over, I would give it a little more time but not too much

[Chanel1981]

@Soft4u get a life

[Soft4u]

Next time if there is a next time just answer the question with your opinion not with a question.
Set an example Guru/

[Chanel1981]

@Soft4u put on some clothes in your picture and shut the fuck up

[DDpsy]

No it is not wrong.

[Asker]

Thank yoj