My boyfriend spends more time with his best friend than me? She's a woman but she's gay? Should I be concerned?

Question

My boyfriend calls her everyday after work and does everything with her. Any time he has free he spends with her. He constantly talks about her to the point where he forgets about us. Im trying not to be dramatic but i honestly just feel like a third wheel at this point. I also don't want to rain on his parade. What would you do?

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Maybe take out the fact/variable that she is female. He is spending more time with someone else, of his choosing, than you. That's gotta sting. If it was a male friend, it would be just as justified, your feelings.

But then a bunch of guys would say, "Well he's entitled to have friends", and the worst ones will say something to the effect of, "Bros before hoes, man."

I think you need to focus on what's an acceptable amount of time for him to be spending with someone else/all other people. You can't really force him to want to be with you, but otoh, you feel legitimately slighted.

If I were you, I would ask a lot of questions (in a very careful, non-accusatory way) about what it is about her that makes him genuinely want to hang out with her. (Let's presume she's not bi.) As is often the case, guys, especially younger ones, find that being around straight women can be a bit... tiring. Because of their much more enhanced sensitivity, to just about everything. Guys want to feel like they can kick back, not walk on eggshells, and be fully themselves. (Some guys could use some tightening up, though, to be fair. Some are oafs, bulls in china shops.)

So maybe first ask him (or maybe you already know) what he likes about their dynamic, and if you're really motivated, try to adopt at least a couple of those traits, or behaviours. It might make him feel more at ease around you.

Only as a last resort, would I think about ultimatums. They end relationships. It's better to coax him with treats in your hand - you know, positive reinforcement, not negative.

Alpha09 · Accepted Answer

If she's gay I wouldn't be worried there. But your problem is the fact that he barely pays any attention to you. I say move on from this one. If someone spends way more time with thier friends and never includes you than it's not worth it, you guys aren't that great of friends and it sounds like you are more sex than company.

JoseyWales4 · Accepted Answer

No that’s kind of a problem. I agree with you that. He might not realize it or know what he is doing is upsetting, but you’re not wrong. If it was the other way around he would probably be upset, you hanging out with a male friend too much.
here’s what I think. Don’t beat yourself up for being jealous, it’s natural and I hate when people say you have to ignore your feelings about stuff like this. If it bothers you then say something.

Having said that, the last thing you want to do is to surprise him out of nowhere with a really heavy and serious discussion. So if and when you do decide to talk here’s how you should go about it.

be very non confrontational, maybe start the conversation with a hug and gently say “can I share something that’s been on my mind for a while”. And never be Mrs. Accuser Pants. Don’t go in guns hot and say YOU DID or YOU ARE. Just make noticeable observations that aren’t threatening or accusing because if you do he will take it personally and it will seem like you’re either attacking him or ambushing him. And when it comes to your personal feelings. Say how you truly feel. You feel uncomfortable, jealous, Uneasy or however you’re feeling. And lastly you have to make it known that this conversation isn’t about you saying “you can’t hang out with her anymore” its you letting your thoughts be known. Because from what it sounds like, he has no idea this upsets you.

if nothing comes of it and he doesn’t listen that’s a different story.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

You chose poorly to begin with. It's not that he's cheating on you sexually with her, but he's prioritizing her, which is almost as bad. It's one thing if you have a friend in from out of town and you prioritize them for a weekend because you see them once every other year, but this is a regular-on-going thing, and it's not okay.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Why is he still your boyfriend?

The_Maphio · Answer

If she's gay, she's as interested in his cannoli as I am in TV programmes. Which means zero, zilch, nada, nein, dame.
If he prefers her company to yours though, something's not right about how you generally spend your time together. He doesn't switch to her for the sex, evidently, which is possibly even worse.
A bit of investigation is in order.

RHK36 · Answer

You should be concerned, but with your own insecurities. If she's gay, then nothing can happen. Would you be bothered if it was a guy best friend he was spending so much time with, probably not as much.

If he doesn't spend nearly as much time with you then maybe you should let him know you want to spend more time together. If he's dismissive then consider getting a new boyfriend.

FreyaRed · Answer

"Hey, it's better for us both you take your belonging from my house and move to your friend. For me it's obvious you like her and I don't want to stay in your way of your happiness. For me it's better as well, there will be more space to find someone who cares about me. My decision is not discussable.
bye, bye"

exitseven · Answer

If he has a longer history with his friend than he has with you he might be more used to hanging out with her. It might get better on it's own or maybe you have to mention it to him./ This is something perfectly understandable and you are not being a jerk.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Ew I've been through that before. They are NOT just friends and i bet she likes both men and women. Trust if you will, but i wouldn't. He needs to learn to prioritize and she needs to respect boundaries

spartan55 · Answer

I will never understand why people think it's okay to do this. I think it takes a very selfish person, with zero self awareness, to act how your boyfriend is. Why are you still with him?

modelUN242 · Answer

Women who claim to be “lesbian” are also bi, so beware. Also, the girl could be faking the gay thing to lower your guard.

kkirk4442 · Answer

It doesn't matter if she is gay or straight, or even if the friend is a guy. If he spends so much time with any friend, or any group of friends, it's time to dump him. There is no future in a relationship, where you are not number one in his life.

jahaims · Answer

He being a female has nothing to do with it but the fact that he puts you on the back burner isn't okay. I think it's okay to spend a fair bit of time with your friends but not at the cost of ignoring your s. o

Ashleystanza · Answer

I would say the concern/question on whether he would be romantically involved with her is not the main point here. Relationships take a lot of effort from both sides, and they don’t work if one side is lacking! Whether it’s a girl or a guy friend, if he’s making you feel like he doesn’t value his time with you as much as you feel he should, then you need to openly talk about how you feel. Everyone deserves to feel loved and valued.

Anonymous · Answer

The fact that she's gay alone cut down a fair amount of odds of him being romantically inclined towards her. If you're more attractive than her, then most probably there isn't anything beyond friendship between them which you can embrace anytime. If they are true friends, he will stick with her through thick and thin, even if his insecure girlfriend is concerned.(just kidding) :)

hi_it_is_me123 · Answer

I would not have any male best friend and i also would not have any male friends if my boyfriend does not want me to have male friends. Lol. My only best friend should be my boyfriend

DaisyM23 · Answer

If she’s gay there shouldn’t really be any problems regarding cheating. Just hang out with him or try and get to know her better?

princeofromance · Answer

You need to be concerned. Gay or not, he should not be spending more time with her. You are his girlfriend, she is just a friend. You need to have a talk with him about your concerns and needs. If he still does not listen. You need to move on.

captain_voidwalker · Answer

Does seeing him happy just make you mad or something. If his bestie is a lesbo then who cares. If you are that concerned about him spending more time with her perhaps you should evaluate why he prefers spending time with her and not you.

Anonymous · Answer

Get a new guy if he really was your boyfriend it would be the other way around. He should be talking to his girl best friend about YOU and doing everything with YOU.

Shihab91 · Answer

first, I don't believe in friendship between men and women, second I don't trust gay things these people switch their lusts like a button.

Brutus977 · Answer

What straight dude hangs out with bestie lesbians? He's probably gay too. Move on.

sheikalana · Answer

They're just good friends but at least of boyfriend could invite you to join them once in a while so you spend time together too.

texas_giiirl30 · Answer

Is she legit gay or is she bi? I’d be careful because you never know I’d also tell him that it’s making you uncomfortable and tell him exactly how you feel about it all

Avicenna · Answer

I’d wager that he is completely oblivious to this legit concern

bummy · Answer

Have a long talk with him, address your concerns, remind him of why you and he are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Anonymous · Answer

Hmmm, how much attention does he give you? And also, do you think you guys are compatible on a conversational level?

NeverHadASister · Answer

No. My wife used to brunch with a dozen gay guys on Dupont Circle in Wash, DC every Sunday morning. I had zero concern.

Synikal · Answer

Does he forget events? If he remembers everything and just talks about his friend too much let him know. You already have a title and a place in his life no one else does. I wouldn't sweat it.

In_Trance · Answer

Yeah ok

EyesOfGod · Answer

If they grew up together you'll just have toget use to it or leave.

MysteriousDarkness · Answer

You should tell your boyfriend how you feel about the situation.

Wise4myage · Answer

If she was straight then you might have problems but he needs to know how you feel.

JamieLoves · Answer

Yes... She might turn him! He could become a lesbian!!😫😫😫

Russwill · Answer

sounds like he's crushing on her but she's not into him that way!

Diversity_Hire · Answer

Get with the girl, don't let him know until after the fact. 🤷🏻‍♂️

just_surviving · Answer

Considering they're best friends, and how long have they been besties, I don't think you should worry, you should just tell him how you feel

Daniela1982 · Answer

Are you sure she's gay?

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Do you share the same hobbies as your boyfriend?

etexbearkat · Answer

He should be spending more time with you than her.

Browneye57 · Answer

Get a new guy. One that's devoted to YOU.

Iron_Man · Answer

Don’t trust any of it that’s weird

TheFlak38 · Answer

threesome threesome threesome

Waldoe · Answer

time to move on, he will never notice you are gone

Lillylee25 · Answer

HecK yessss not oh Kay

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

Yeah that wouldn't work for me

LiamSawyer · Answer

Dump his ass.

IveGotNoName · Answer

Have you met her?

melisa53 · Answer

Girl leave him

Anonymous · Answer

Even gay woman need a good dicken...

DeltaCharlieEcho · Answer

She’s not gay

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

No, your good

MrTaboo · Answer

Threesome!

Joshua0213 · Answer

Get a different guy?

My boyfriend spends more time with his best friend than me? She's a woman but she's gay? Should I be concerned?

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