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If he's your best friend than he shouldn't be going ghost on you after you guys had sex. It's your best friend.
But what were the circumstances: Discussed beforehand?
Drunk or sober?
Intimate and emotional? Or fun and casual?
What were things like immediately afterward?
How long and what's the nature of your friendship?
Otherwise... I don't know what's going on in his head. Seems like you're justified in thinking "what the hell!"
Yes it’s been something we’ve discussed over the years, as a what if. But it actually happened. We were sober, it was fun. Afterward we did again and again and again. We went to bed, he asked to sleep over. He cuddles me all night and held my hand. We’ve been friends for 10+ years. We both just got out of relationships, his ended more recently. Maybe he’s confused?
Than what the f**k! I guess maybe he's confused... But frankly his behavior, to me, given these circumstances is TOTALLY inexcusable.
I really don't know how he can do that to you as a friend. I would hope, if he's got even a little bit of a conscience, or sense of loyalty to his friends, or decency he will realize that he's not doing right by you. Not at all.
I mean, as your best friend what would he have to say if some other guy were to treat you the way he's treating you?
Whether he's confused or not, he needs to quit acting like a little bitch. He owes you better.
Yeah he probably confused with everything that has happened. Give him a little space and he should reach out to you when he figure things out.
I know sex isn’t usually emotional for guys, but is it possible he felt more than what he expected? After the deed was done, he did tell me the sex was better than he expected.
That sex isn't usually emotional for guys is a misconception. It CAN be divorced from emotion but isn't by any means always. It depends entirely on the situation but most of all who you're with.
There is no question that he is feeling something afterwards. It would have for sure been an emotional experience. He should have been able to anticipate that. You guys are long time friends. Bringing that into sharing a physical experience is absolutely going to be emotional.
But the idea of talking about it, like you did, was to make sure that you were both mature enough to not be idiots about it (in precisely the way this idiot is being and idiot about it...).
I don't care WHAT emotional freaking out he may or may not be doing... He's been friends with you for 10 years... He should damn well knoe how his disappearing like this--after sleeping together--would make you feel.
He needs to suck it up and TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
You're clearly a very understanding person. I'm like angry FOR you at the way he's treating you 😛
Thanks, I try to be understanding of others, it usually gives me some peace of mind.
But everything you said is absolutely right. That was the point of us having that conversation. And I guess that’s why I’m even more disappointed. He knew the reasons I wasn’t hesitant to sleep with him and now he’s showing me exactly what I was afraid of.
I don’t regret sleeping with him at all, the sex was amazing. I just wish he would communicate. I’m giving him a week, if I don’t hear from him I’m definitely bringing it up and addressing his behavior
That sounds MORE THAN reasonable. I'm glad you're seeing it more that way. Being understanding is a good quality, just not when it's used to explain away mistreatment. I hope he smartens up... if not... You give him hell on a week 😉
Hope he does too. Otherwise it looks like that’ll be the end of a long friendship
And that would just be SOOOOOOOOO STUPUID I would have to believe that worst comes to worst... He'll have to deal with it when you confront him about it. And if thst doesn't work... Grab him by both shoulders and shake some goddamn sense into him!
Oh I definitely will! He’s got some explaining to do. I’ll be happy when this all blows over and we can clear the air
Update, we’ve talked a little, but not about what happened. Either way, he’s being distant and weird. I don’t like it but that makes me just not want to talk to him at all for a while
hmm... now, I can totally appreciate that you're frustrated and upset by this ongoing bullshit on his part. I will always give you my honest view and give it to you straight... it's part of my charm (I like to think).
I hate this new plan. It is a horrible plan. It accomplishes nothing. You could have walked away from this friendship (which is likely what you end up doing if you too get all weird and distant). It will get harder and harder to ever address what happened between you and where you go from here.
I think that "you" from 4 days ago had a WAY WAY WAAAAAAAAY better plan. And it even sounded like you were eager and fired up to put it into action. It was good to see. It made me happy... you were too chill and forgiving and passive.
Now you're feeling more resentment, less chill... but if you go "passive" on this... you are screwed... because "passive aggressiveness"... is really dumb. If I feel the need for aggression...(for example or to get answers i'm owed, get something off my chest, have a bone to pick, feel wronged by someone etc etc.)
I am a very big fan of "active aggression". Like a very open right in front of you, with a clear and unambiguous goal. It's really the way aggression was meant to be done. (or we can maybe say assertiveness instead)
Don't go into a turtle shell. You gotta stick out your turtle head and bite this motherfucker. Get his attention. He is in desperate need of a "what the fuck!" Don't leave him a friend hanging.
so go back to the "grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking some sense into him" style plans. Don't be a passive-aggressive wuss... you'll probably lose your best friend for good.
Okay Steve, you’re absolutely right. And wow, you read me like a book! I do tend to be passive aggressive. I just don’t like making more out of a situation than what i should if it’s not necessary. I’m definitely bothered by his actions, but is me getting on him about it gonna change anything? I have this bad habit of letting people think they don’t bother me as much as they do, and then just getting over it in private. I don’t like people knowing they affect me. I don't know, probably have some deeper issues to work out lol.
Also, I think he’s just got a lot on his mind. He’s disappeared from all his social media, which is something he never does. He also took down all of the pictures of him and his ex - they were broken up when we slept together, but now that he’s taken all of their photos down, it seems he’s really cutting those ties. Since it seems like he has a lot on his mind, I don’t want to become clingy. I feel that he will just come back when he has a clear mind
I am going to have to respectfully disagree. Totally disagree.
Sounds like you have abandoned passive-aggressive, for just plain ol' "passive".
You start out great. You recognize that it's in your nature to be passove-agressive. You admit that it would be more satisfying if people knew that you were upset with them. That I totally agree with... But then what happened?
You ask: is me getting on him about it gonna change anything? YEEEEEEEEEES!!!
He needs to be confronted. He needs to know exactly how he's made you feel. No sugar-coating. Just tell it like it is.
He needs to hear that it is completely unfair to you.
He needs to hear about how he's acting like a little bitch (you can say "immature").
He needs to know that you never would have slept with him if you thought this would be the way he'd act
He needs to hear that you miss him.
YOU need to hear what exactly is going on in his head., and what the plan is for you two moving forward.
Once you have those things said and understood, you'll know what your next steps are.
Right now, your plan seems to be to do nothing, and hope that somehow, someway, for some reason shit is just gonna work itself out in time. I think time is your enemy here.
Talking to him tomorrow will be easier than talking to him next week. Talking to him next will be easier than talking to him next month. So if you can't work up your courage to do it now, you never will. The longer you wait the harder it is to bring it up.
He might very well have a lot on his mind. While that's a nice consideration in many cases, it doesn't matter one bit in your case. YOU have a lot on your mind, he can help clarify all that shit. Whatever is on his mind isn't anything that you could clear up for him. But ill bet if you could, you would.
Same deal, if he can he should. And he can. He should have come and talked to you before now. He knows he's acting like a knob. Unless he's a complete idiot, he must know how it makes you feel! If he can't man-up and talk to you about whatever's going on... Even if for no other reason than for the for the sake of not causing his best friend pain... you sure as hell shouldn't hesitate to get the answers you're owed.
You aren't asking for any favours. You're just asking him to explain. The explanation is yours. You are owed it, you have a right to it, and it should have been given to you freely... Out of respect. That's basic as basic gets. He knows all this. So fuck 'em. Get what you deserve.
I'm not sure if the "he's got a lot on his mind" thing is part of your considerate nature, or if it's a straight-up excuse. Either way. Doesn't matter. You're being mistreated... By someone who should be the last person to mistreat you.
If somebody mistreats me... There is only one thing to do. Put a stop to it. Definitely and completely. Rectify the situation if possible. Make it known that this behavior won't be tolerated going forward.
You are going to end up loosing your best friend because you're either too nice for your own good (quite literally), or you're a chicken. Either way, I'll bet that in a few years, when you finally realize that it's never going to work itself out on its own. You will be kicking yourself.
I mean REALLY think about what the consequences of inaction are for you. Very serious. What do you have to lose by confronting him (not a damn thing).
To me there is no grey area in this situation. It's as clear-cut as they come.
Either confront him, or loose him. Sorry, but it's the truth.
I really don't want to see you loose your best friend. Friends are about as important as anything in this life. If you're someone who believes that sometimes you have to fight, I ask you when you're likely to find a situation where fighting is so vital.
You know what you need to do. It won't be as hard as you think. And no matter how it goes, you won't regret it. You need to know what's going on. You deserve to know what's going on. Friends are important and you shouldn't lose one without a fight.
You know what you gotta do. Quit making excuses! 😛
I’m just afraid of confronting him about it and coming off as being too dramatic or making more out of it than what I should have. I don’t want to embarrass myself or make things any worse between us.
I promise, just because I’m not saying anything, doesn’t make me me passive. I am by no means “okay” with what’s happening. But I also don’t want to cling to him or crowd his space. When he comes back, he’ll hear about it then. (Probably where my passive aggressiveness comes into play).
It’s interesting because when we spoke a few days ago, I was drunk and texted him. But he had told me he was happy to hear from me and asked why I hadn’t contacted him sooner. Like is this guy serious? Why would he be expecting me to have contacted him? Do you understand where this guy’s head is?
Shitty guys are the ones that “tend to withdraw” don’t justify his behavior as a “guy” behavior.
Friend don't fuck, obviously he confused and probably mind need sometimes to rethink
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