I hooked up with my best friend's son. The guilt is eating me alive. Should I tell her?

[Anonymous]

I have known him since 2011 and he was a little boy. He is 21 and I am 39. He has been attracted to me for a long time and I recently started being attracted to him now that he is getting older. He would come around more and more when his mom and I would hang out together and drink. The three of us would talk about our bad relationships and one day out of the blue he messaged me on Facebook and told me he had feelings for me and was attracted to me. I was in the process of breaking up with my ex fiance and his attention to me allowed me to finally go through with it. He would text me from 6:30 am when he got to work until 10:30 pm when his girlfriend got home from work. On the weekends I wouldn't hear from him because he would be with his girlfriend. After a couple weeks of texting we finally hooked up at my house and we did that several times. Then his girlfriend decided to start going through his phone so he called it off at the end of July.

I agreed to hook up with him because he always told me he would leave her when his lease ends. Although that could be true, it doesn't seem that is going to happen. I feel used and guilty. It's hard for me to see his mom and hear her talk about him and his girlfriend as if they are solid and nothing happened. It is hard for me to see his mom and pretend that nothing between he and I happened. I feel bad for the girlfriend because he has misled me and is currently misleading her. I feel like a piece of shit for what I have done and allowing a kid to talk me into something that I knew was wrong but I was feeling vulnerable at the time and he made me feel wanted and desired.

Now I am having nightmares every single night about what I have done and how I betrayed his mom and his girlfriend (who I have met twice). He is avoiding me and I have not seen him since the last time we hooked up on July 19th and I have not talked to him since Aug 1. Do I come clean to alleviate my guilt or just keep my mouth shut?

Updates

+1 y

I wanted to let some of the comments roll in before I addressed questions. I am not a mother myself so that is how I could separate how my friend would feel to an extent. People assume I am in my mid twenties because I look very young. As far as his relationship, he is currently with a girl he has known since they were babies and although he loves her he is not in love with her. He stays with her for security and because he doesn't want to hurt her. They share a dog and a rental together.

[nightdrot]

Honestly, I don't see anything to feel guilty about. You are two grown adults and he does not need his mother's permission to go out with - and have sex with - any women he wants to and who is willing. That is his business - and yours' - alone.

As to his girlfriend, that is a bit of a different matter and a question over which he should perhaps search his conscience. However, as far as you are concerned, so far as I can tell you had no reason not to believe that his relationship was over - and indeed it still might be. That chapter of the book, if I understand you correctly, has not been written.

In general, I avoid responding to these types of questions as I do not know the people involved, I do not - and cannot - know all the relevant details. In any case, I am only hearing one side of the story. That said, in this case, I make an exception because, prima facie, I truly see nothing for you to feel guilty about.

It is axiomatic that you cannot reason a person out of a viewpoint into which they were not reasoned to begin with. So it is worse than pointless for me to tell you not to feel guilty. That said, you cannot help what you feel, you can only help what you do about it.

If you cannot handle this, that is in your head and your best course is to explain to this young man how you feel, tell him that it is not his fault and cease any separate and private contact with him. Keep in mind that this is between you two alone - two adults - and should not involve anyone else, his mother emphatically included.

That said, it is fair to ask yourself a few things. Do you find the young man attractive and could your foresee a relationship with him - either just sexual or even more? Are you so sure his mother would object - and if she did, is it really her call? Can you ask him what he really plans to do with his relationship with his girlfriend and tell him that you are not interested in any further relationship with him till he ends it with his gf?

At the risk of sounding somewhat clinical, you DO have options. It is not either/or and it is really a matter of controlling your feelings or being controlled by them. If this young man really does interest you, then you owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities and see if you could have a relationship consistent with your feelings and principles.

Seriously, you have no reason to feel guilty. What you DO have an obligation to do is to master your guilt, consider how this young man might feel - merely a sexual encounter or something more - and then take it from there.

Guilt is seldom productive. In this case, though, it may almost be counterproductive. Because of an irrational reaction to a single episode, you are giving up the whole range of "might have beens."

[nightdrot]

Saw your update. It really changes nothing other than this sounds like a self-indulgent young man who lacks fortitude. His treatment of his girlfriend is cruel and is mere playing with her feelings.

How that involves you is a different matter. I would NOT suggest a relationship with so callow a man. On the other hand, if casual sex is something you enjoy and to which you have no objection, then you need not end things with him.

[lightbulb27]

You came to the right place... if you think you are the only person to do something stupid for selfish stupid human emotional reasons, think again.
This makes a lot of sense actually from your viewpoint... you were cheated on, so you submitted to that and cheated on someone else (his girlfriend). They cycle continues... that's often how it works in teh world. He was a drug fix so you fell into that (reminds me of the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden). The fact that you express feelings of remorse is good, it means you have a conscience. I wonder if the boy actually does and that is what concernes me, you've trained a monster?

10,000 years ago, you'd be thrown out of the tribe into the wilderness, probably to die. That's why ou feel that way... shame, remorse, fear, guilt. That's all stuff that is death... and if you don't put an end to those feelings, then they litterly will propagate into physical symptoms of illness.

So gotta deal with it as I don't see you letting it all slide because something deeper is going on and you know his mom. Gonna just disappear or act like nothing happened... which is what he will do by the way! Getting these things out, is how one heals... on paper, to therapist, confession, to God, to the person wronged... whatever it takes... if you are feeling these feelings.

For me, if I was his parent, I think I'd want to know... eventhough he is over 21 and not my business. Not everyone will want to know.

I'd get a therapist and walk through this, write out what happened, get yourself better before you do anything. And stay out of bars and away from males right now, but do seek female support. Grief share, womens group counseling/support group for divorce, etc..

[yucychan]

I'm kinda disappointed in you, really. You are supposed to be 39 but you act like a 19 year old, like a immature love-lorn teenager. You are supposed to be the mature one here. Your best friend expects you to see her son like your son as well, or like a nephew, instead of as a love interest.
The moment he admitted that he had feelings for you and was attracted to you, you should have rejected him right there and then.
When you slept with your best friend's son, were you really thinking that she will give you and her son her blessings to be together? Of course, her son is an asshole for treating women the way he did, misleading them with his empty promises, cheating on his girlfriend with you. But from the beginning, you should have known he never really intend to leave his girlfriend.
You mentioned in comments that your ex cheated on you with several other women, and you were ending the relationship with your ex that time. Then the more you should be careful when going into the next relationship. You, just getting out of a broken relationship, should have known better than to get mix up with a man who is still with his girlfriend, irregardless of whether he is your best friend's son or not.
Obviously, he now regrets his decisions in what he did, because he still loves his girlfriend. Which is why he is trying to avoid you. I understood how you must be feeling vulnerable after you broke up with your ex, and how you just wished there is someone else, someone who truly loves you. But you also can't let your common sense be deluded by your desire for love. You never gave yourself any time to heal from your breakup. It's just one bad decision after another.
And now, you want to come clean with everything because you can't handle the guilt? Is that it? Or are you looking for revenge? He ruined your life, made use of you, so you want to get back at him.

I'm not sure if coming clean with everything will alleviate your guilt. I feel you need help. Go get professional advice, before doing anything rash again. Maybe, the advice does require you to admit to your friend that you'd screwed her son, however, do know that the relationship between you and her will be soured and broken forever. You cannot expect her to forgive you for what you'd done because you don't deserve it. You betrayed her trust.

[DizzyDesii]

This is mho 👌

[Asker]

He does intend to leave his girlfriend and has made no secrets about that as he shares it with his family and friends, not just me. No on in his life likes his girlfriend and they all want him to leave her. She has said herself on multiple occasions that he and I are soul mates because of our similar interests and personality traits. Admittedly I don't think she ever pictured that in an intimate way however she did suspect he had a crush on me and verbalized that to me. In my case he served as a distraction while I was breaking up with my ex. Neither one of us thought we would catch feelings for each other so quickly and before he could end things with his girlfriend. We both moved way too fast in the relationship and it started getting confusing for him. He didn't ruin my life, it will go on as normal. I think what I struggle with most is that when I was cheated on I suspected and just wanted to know. I wanted anyone to tell me anything. They are living a lie, I am living a lie, and that haunts me.

[yucychan]

You must be extremely clear in what you want.
Your best friend's son kept saying he would leave his girlfriend, so has he done that yet? And you also mentioned that he is now avoiding you. Do you really think this is the right guy for you?
Your post and your comments are also a little conflicting, you mentioned in your post that his mom would talk about him and his girlfriend as if they are solid and nothing happened. Now in the comments you say no one likes his girlfriend and everyone wants him to leave her. So, which is which? Nevertheless, it's the fact that he is still with his girlfriend that warning bells should have been set off in your head. Don't ever start a relationship with a guy whom is still with his girlfriend, no matter how much he complains about her.
I believe you are looking for a guy that loves you, and not one for a temp side fling. If so, then don't settle for anything less. Have some standards, have some respect for yourself. You owe it to yourself to select the right guy, one that deserves your love and treats you right.

[Asker]

I agree, I should have been more clear in what I wanted. In looking back I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted when this started which is why I should not have been involved. As the affair progressed I knew more and more what I DIDN'T want though. He has not left her yet, his plan was to not renew the lease with her and it has not expired yet. However, he didn't have a true plan of how to exit their relationship and I think as ours developed and he realized his feelings towards me were growing he decided he needed to do some soul searching and figure out the best course of action. I think that realization, along with his girlfriend snooping, has made him decide to take some time away from me so he can think with as few distractions as possible. Prior to the start of our relationship he would frequently vent his frustrations with his girlfriend to others. Once he and I started talking he stopped doing that and I was who he vented his issues to. According to his mom his relationship is better because she was no longer hearing about fights and issues, however she has no idea it was actually getting worse. So when she talks about their relationship it does make me very uncomfortable and makes me feel guilty. No one likes the girlfriend because he would complain about her all the time and things she would say and do so they knew they did not have a good relationship. Now people aren't hearing those things so they think things are getting better for them. And agreed, I will never get into another relationship if someone is currently with someone else whether they are on their way out or not. Because he was so transparent with his friends and family about leaving her even before I came into the picture I felt it was worth the gamble but I have realized what I am going through now wasn't worth it whether he leaves her in the end or not. You are right, I am looking for someone who loves me. I have realized through this ordeal I am not a side fling type of woman at all.

[Mickey9999]

You betrayed who? Did you and your friend ever agree not to sleep with each other’s kids? Probably not. He a grown man. He cheated on his girlfriend. And him alone. Chalk this up to vulnerability and lesson learned. It was obviously fun while it lasted so keep it as that. Work on you now that you’re single because nothing is worse then hopping from one relationship to another before you’re ready and obviously you weren’t ready. If your relationship wasn’t working, you should have left without being pressed or with another option readily available. Be single. Be self reliant and only good things will come

[DeshawnMGTOW]

she betrayed herself. no young man was going to leave his girlfriend to get in a relationship with her thats stupid lol. The fool just wants to fulfil his milf fantasy when no one was looking and then get back to his girlfriend who he's not embarrassed to be seen in public with

[Mickey9999]

I agree with your first statement but who of us hasn’t made a poor decision especially when emotionally distraught. But let’s not go so far as to insult her. I’m sure he was t embarrassed to be seen in public with her! Just because she made a decision she regrets doesn’t mean she’s an old haggard woman

[Asker]

@DeshawnMGTOW I am not a milf. I have no children. I look like I am the same age as him. He would have been proud to be in public with me as I do receive a lot of male attention. He will leave his girlfriend. Of that I am certain, whether in two weeks, or two years. I just don't want it to be for me but rather because he doesn't want to be with her.

[Tru-陳]

Asker that sounds like a cope tbh. With all respect, you barely ever see a man in his early twenties choosing women in their 30s for anything other than sex. Big age gap relationships aren't normal apart from young gold diggers who go after older men. And I've never seen someone who's pushing 40 look like they're 21 or vice versa. I think you need to accept your age, accept who you are and grow up instead of falling for young boys. Harsh, but true.

[OlderAndWiser]

You knew this was wrong and you did it anyway. After all of this is resolved, learn a few lessons from this experience.

Confessing your sin will help to relieve your guilt but what else will it accomplish? If you tell the guy's girlfriend, will she believe you? If so, it will end their relationship (which it probably a good thing) and it will end your relationship with the guy as well as your friend. You did not turn the guy into a cheater so you are not responsible for the hurt he has inflicted on the girlfriend, but if that is what you need to do, proceed. . . but be prepared for the possibility that she refuses to believe you.

[MikeAndMolly]

Yea a couple of things:

1) It's a little fucked up that you did this. He's young, yea, but that's not really what bothers me. You knew he had a girlfriend, you knew he was your best friends son, and you fucked him anyway. Not a good idea.

2) This isn't a case of "get it off my chest." Adult relationships don't have to be anyone's business but the adults in them. If this is going to end up being a fling, there's really nothing to tell anyone. Just don't keep doing it and move on with your life. Find someone around your own age to be with and try to spend less time around him for a while.

[Asker]

There is a huge amount of sexual tension as well as newly developed feelings between he and I. I cannot be around him and I am certain he feels the same way which is why he is avoiding me. If we saw each other or were around each other again it would be a disaster and the affair would start up again because we have a hard time resisting one another.

[LoU_Hades]

He isn't a kid anymore and partially responsible. Don't take the burden alone on your shoulder. My aunt, younger sister of my father, her man died few years ago got on my neck and pants as I brought her home after family party. I said no and I have been not much older than the guy you slept with.
The other part of situation and your guilty feelings. You can't undone what happened and it the most important point is the discretion of the guy. The truth is useful for none, maybe you will feel better if you tell this your friend. I told none of my family that my aunt wanted my dick.
I think this guy will remain silent, because he could lose his girlfriend.
Well. Your nightmares... Imagine your nightmare if everyone knows about your adventure, you friend stops to be your friend, the guy loses his girlfriend and your nightmares becomes reality for everyone.

[BadApple1]

Telling your friend will be the hardest thing to do EVER! There is a good chance you will loose her as a friend. Do you think after telling her your conscience will be clean and you will feel great again? I am sure you won’t. We all do things that we regret. We need to learn from it and move on. I am not a fan of lying but sometimes it’s better not saying anything but of the damage the truth will cause. Write it off as a experience (good bad or indifferent) and move forward with your life. As for the 21 year old... he is a typical boy and wanting to stick his penis in anything he can... as an older woman you should know this. I hope you can forgive yourself and put this behind you...

[Moonchild714]

You don't hurt others to make yourself feel better!!! Stop blaming him, he's a horny kid, you are a full grown brain completely developed grown woman who gave in to her desires regardless who would get hurt... I've been there done it, but always took the blame never made excuses!!!

[Asker]

I don't make excuses. I believe any time we as humans make a mistake there are psychological factors involved and instances that happen to us where we were vulnerable. I am not playing the victim and pointing fingers at all. Just trying to show a glimpse of why I chose to make the decision I did and now regret it.

[Moonchild714]

You said tge following:

"I agreed to hook up with him because he always told me he would leave her when his lease ends. Although that could be true, it doesn't seem that is going to happen. I feel used and guilty. It's hard for me to see his mom and hear her talk about him and his girlfriend as if they are solid and nothing happened. It is hard for me to see his mom and pretend that nothing between he and I happened. I feel bad for the girlfriend because he has misled me and is currently misleading her. I feel like a piece of shit for what I have done and allowing a kid to talk me into something that I knew was wrong"
but I was feeling vulnerable at the time and he made me feel wanted and desired.

That is pointing the finger and blaming him... You wanted him he made you feel sexy you were going through a break-up, but he did not manipulate you, you just want to justify your actions when the only justification is "you did what you did" that's it nothing else...

Come on by the way, you're old enough to know every man and woman claims their going to leave their SO byt most don't their just saying what you want to justify what you're about to do. I've had husbands and boyfriends tell me they would leave their SO, I'd say let's not start this with a lie we know the truth it is what it is... You have to lie to your family not me...

[Asker]

I allowed it. I make no concessions to that. I am not a victim. I am not making excuses for my behavior. I now feel guilty. Yes he knew how to manipulate me and tell me what he knew I wanted but I allowed it. I am taking full responsibility. He was telling friends and family for months he was leaving her. This was not manipulation directed towards me. Everyone knew it way before he and I started.

[Moonchild714]

But in your original post you are putting it all on him. In fact if he did leave her for you would you even be feeling guilty or is the guilt because you know you are just a piece of ass a conquest and he conquered you...

[Asker]

I would not want him to leave her for me. I want him to leave her for his own reasons. My guilt comes from what I did when at the time I was feeling selfish because I was in a vulnerable state and I did something I regret.

[Moonchild714]

Ok, just asking based on your original statement.

[Asker]

The most frustrating thing about this site is I am limited to 2000 characters so it is hard for me to portray the whole picture when I have to delete some sentences to make it fit. That's why I try to clarify and fill in gaps in comments when I can.

[Moonchild714]

I see. Anyhow, I wouldn't say anything to his Mom, no need to hurt her. And if you want to warm the girlfriend that he's a horndog, which she already suspects I believe do that Anonymously. Again, you don't want to hurt your Friend his Mom.

[Dali-chan]

21 years old men usually never want to settle down, especially with older women so I don’t understand how the heck did u believed that he wanted something serious with you at your age. 🙄
I feel bad for the girlfriend but it’s not a big deal. A lot of guys hocked up with older women they always knew, just tell him to forget about you and that it was just a mistake cause you were both excited and vulnérables. Try to date Guys around your age, who will promise you a serious relationship and a future, and act as if nothing happened, it’s the best thing to do.

[DeshawnMGTOW]

exactly. these dudes just be out here tryna fulfill fantasies

[Dali-chan]

Riley you’re only 8 years old!!! What are u doing in this website XD

[DeshawnMGTOW]

😄

[brunettegirlxx]

Is that Flora from Winx Club? 😂

[Dali-chan]

Yep.

[Asker]

I am attracted to younger men, he is attracted to older women. He likes a take charge type of woman and he wants to be taken care of. I never even thought about making it something serious until he started talking that way and wanting more.

[Dali-chan]

Asker, oh okay. Tbh the only bad thing is that he was in a relationship and some sensitive minds may find that weird that you knew him since he was a kid. But well you were both adults so beside the girlfriend you two didn’t hurt anyone.

[SongBird3]

It sounds like you only wanna do it to make yourself feel good, which is what got u into this situation in the first place.
Honestly what exactly are you going to get out of telling them? If you want to stop being friend with his mom because you feel like you don’t deserve the friendship (which you definitely don’t) or you want to tell the girlfriend anonymously that her man’s been cheating on her (sounds like she was already suspicious) and you can go ahead and do those things.
But I guess at the guilt is really eating you up inside, I guess you could tell them and then take the risk of being known as “the community cougar” to the whole world than go ahead

[SMPlSl]

You can tell his mom what you've done and potentially ruin your relationship with her, her relationship with her son, and his relationship with his girlfriend, or you can just live with the guilt yourself.

Sinse he's 21 he knows what he's done and it's really not his mother's business at all. It's really just between you and him. You can deal with the thought that he probably used you, or you can make his life and yours extremely uncomfortable just to (possibly) alleviate some sense of regret.

I'd suggest just swallow the guilt and don't talk to him again unless you have to.

[Cryostatic]

Nah.

Seriously, bad idea. You're not only going to fuck up your relationship with your friend, you're going to fuck up her relationship with her son.

Nobody wins in this. Maybe you assuage your guilt on one front (probably not), but then you've also got the guilt of ruining other people's relationships on top of it. Nobody wins, everyone is miserable. Just deal with your shit and keep it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

You should be having nightmares. Serves you right, that’s just gross; you knew him when he was little... imagine if your best friend was having sex with your son. The girl deserves to know and the truth will most likely come out anyway. Better she hear it from you

[Asker]

I don't have any children so I think that is how I was able to separate myself from that thought.

[Anonymous]

It was a fun little fling that helped you out through a break-up. Leave it at that. You shouldn't feel guilty in regards to your best friend because it's her son not her lover. If you had a son that was the same age (not sure if you have kids since it's not mentioned) and she was attracted and was going through a break-up she'd probably do the same.

As for the girlfriend. . . I can understand the guilt but you're best to just move on from it. Nothing good comes from you coming clean about this fling. Just move on and don't contact him again. If he's in the area while you're spending time with your best friend then just act like nothing has ever happened between the two of you. Don't make eye contact with him and just focus on your best friend.

[Asker]

No, I don't have any kids myself.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats just nasty. If he's been looking at you for a long time and he's only 21 now... even if you're just now looking at him... you prob raised him. Thats hella weird. Well you can't go to jail since he's legal but please end it. I hope she's really your friend. Otherwise she may try to say you touched her son when he was younger. Im only saying this because I've seen it happen before and my ex “almost boyfriend” was raped by him moms best friend

[cosmicc]

People are giving you a thumbs down but you're right

[DizzyDesii]

@cosmicc thank you

[brunettegirlxx]

I agree with this response as well. I don’t agree that them being “both adults” makes it ok. She still sounds like she wants his attention which means more pain for the mother. I would imagine my dad getting shocked at me having sex with a 40 year old as well.

[Asker]

I did not raise him and rarely saw him as a child. I think that's why I was more accepting when he started coming around as an adult.

[ECityGirl89]

Wow what a good short romance novel this could turn out ok well my answer is you don’t tell her because you’ll ruin both her relationship with her son and your relationship as her friend. Plus the best thing to do is see a THERAPIST about this going to complete strangers about your relationship will make it more stress because everyone has a different opinion.

[MarkRet]

This sounds like a plot for a hot porn movie. He's young, but still a consenting adult. You were both in need of 'something', so you indulged in it. Regardless, learn from this and don't do anything intimate with him again, and don't tell his mother. She would probably get very upset.

[Chuck21]

woman always find shit out

[sidhesh]

Yes very well said

[muliebrity]

Sits in couch. hoodie in the front. Popcorn in the hoodie. okay wow!! kinda cool as my life is colorless atm lol

I think you should and just own up to it. You may lose your friendship but at least you'll get a good nights rest and then plop on the couch like me.

[PinkMichae]

Yes you should tell your friend and you deserve any heartache coming your way. How did you even justify sleeping with a guy you watched grow up and is your best friends son? The age difference isn't even the issue. It's the fact that it's your best friends son and you watched him grow up.

[Asker]

I rarely saw him until the last couple of years once he was grown up. I think that is how I can separate him as a child versus him now.

[MrOracle]

You need to keep it to yourself. It's one thing if you were led to believe that he was single and he wasn't, but you knew he was in a relationship, and you went there anyway. It's not right to blow up other relationships to ease your own conscience when you were knowingly wrong from the start.

You are going to have to find a way to get past it on your own.

[Asker]

I think where I struggle most is having been cheated on myself, I would want to know. I suspected it myself for a long time and I knew that other people knew but no one was telling me. I would have been so grateful and appreciative for anyone telling me, even the other woman. Unfortunately after over a year I had to take matters into my own hands before I found out.

[MrOracle]

Perhaps, but his girl may not see it that way. In any case, that doesn't change the fact that you had no problem violating her relationship at the start, so now you shouldn't harm her relationship further by telling her to assuage your own guilt.

[Asker]

You are right, I had no problem violating her relationship because I thought it was over as did his family and his friends. I am not seeking to harm her at this point, more so to help her decide to get out of a relationship that was toxic to start with and has now reached a level she knows nothing about. If he stays with her he will cheat on her again, of that I am certain. I guess on some level protecting her from any further deception will alleviate some of the guilt I have but then again, maybe not.

[El_Heffe]

I think your brow betting yourself over a mistake is what's giving you the most trouble. To err is human. What you've been through with your breakup and then this short mistake have taken their toll. I honestly think it would hurt you much further to tell this user's mum about what's already over, but he might mention it someday.
I really wish you some solace so that you can start to heal.

[nerms123]

Oh gawd. I would say the number one thing you need to do is get into therapy with a good therapist you feel comfortable with to help you through this. Otherwise it’s going to be extremely difficult.

[lightbulb27]

Yea, I agree with this opinion. I think you need a team some support on your side before you chart a course out of this. I'll say more above.

[LazloHollyfeld]

With you betraying your friends trust, and him cheating on his girlfriend. You both get what you deserve, loss of trust, loss of potentially awesome relationships, and most importantly, the loss of self respect. You earned it, wear it proudly. The inability to control yourself puts you back down with the primates. Your only saving grace would be full disclosure to everyone involved, and take your beating and beg for their forgiveness. At your age, you should know better...