Are you against having kids before marriage?

Question

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

It is a two part answer. In terms of the data, it is a very bad idea. However, having said that, my girlfriend and I have lived together for 11 years and have three children together. They bring me more happiness and love than I ever imagined possible and in that sense I had to vote "no."

In terms of the former, and as a guy who works in politics, the data are not in doubt. Children raised in a home where both parents are present and in a loving relationship tend to thrive. Their grades are better. They are far less likely to get in trouble in school or with the law. They are more likely to finish high school and college and get good jobs. In turn, they are more likely to form stable relationships and be good parents themselves. (Also, they will be more likely to wait till after marriage to have sex and start a family.)

That is why the collapse of the traditional family has been such a problem. An eye popping 40% of all children - that is ALL children, not just minorities or other such demographic groups that might be disadvantaged - are born out of wedlock. Suffice to say, the long term implications of that for society are grim.

In the past, at least, there was a network of community, civic, charitable and church groups that could at least help to fill in the gap to some degree. However, these too, in what is something of a "chicken or the egg" phenomenon, are in decline. Government, while it is good at writing checks and thereby alleviating some of the economic effects of out of wedlock births, is awful at substituting for a traditional family.

So the net result is grim and apt to be grimmer still as time wears on. The idea had caught on in the 1960s and 70s that the traditional family was oppressive to the individual - especially women - and that men were not that important to the raising of children. Turns out that evolution and historical experience knew better and now the society is left to try to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again.

Having said all that, my girlfriend and I have lived together for over a decade. We have three children, the first two were unplanned pregnancies. The third - my little princess - was planned. They are the center of my universe and we are a happy healthy little family - although my oldest does seem to live by the motto, "Why walk around obstacles when you can just walk through them?" (We are pretty sure he was the first second grader to join the Marines.)

That said, we are pretty much the traditional family in every respect save the wedding ring. My girlfriend and I are both college educated with good jobs. We also are lucky in that we can work from home when needed and thus provide parental guidance pretty much around the clock. (Save of course when my oldest goes on deployment, but hey, it's his patriotic duty. Yes, that was a joke. He's a good little guy and loves his younger brother and sister.)

In the case of my girlfriend and I, we just decided that we did not want to be married. It was odd given that we are both pretty traditional but somehow, when we talked about it, the idea of a pricey ring, an elaborate ceremony and a permission slip from the state would diminish made what my girlfriend share. (As to the religious aspect - we are Catholic - I have to admit that we have never fully reconciled that in our minds.)

Also, truth in advertising, before I met my girlfriend I got two other women pregnant. One never told me after having a miscarriage and I only found out literally years later. The other had an abortion without telling me. It remains the single most painful thing in my life and I miss and love so much that baby I never knew.

CONT.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

Marriage does not guarantee the stability of a relationship but when a partner is wiling to commit themselves to marriage, it tells me that they feel committed to staying together and making the relationship work. Children should have a stable home with a father and a mother. Again, there are no guarantees, but I think that being born into a stable marriage gives a child the best chance for success. Under the usual circumstances, couples should wait at least two years after their marriage to have children. That will give them time to become accustomed to each other and the marital relationship, and they will have a good idea whether their relationship has a good chance of being permanent. Finally, they should never have a child for the purpose of trying to hold together a bad relationship; that almost never works and is very unfair to the child.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I was against it before but not so much now. What I think is better though is the couple having the baby be in a stable good relationship whether they be married or not. . I don't want to go back to the old days were women felt it was better to hide their pregnancy or go to shady abortion clinics that could be life threatening.

I'm for using double birth control to protect against unwanted pregnancies and the man needs to be an active participant in that even if he has to carry around a condom and spermicide and not depend on the woman to be diligent about birth control.

AuroraRoseat · Accepted Answer

Lol. Personally? I'm not having kids ever so yes.

For others? Marriage isn't for everyone and can sometimes make relationships worse. I'm not going to judge people who want to have babies whenever. It's not my life. I feel like a lot of people shouldn't have them (my step-sister for instance because she is completely stupid. She is the epitome of the retarded judgmental liberal and I'm liberal myself) but it's not my place to tell them or try to restrict them. It's an opinion.

Emmalouise03 · Accepted Answer

I mean I'm not against it... But it's not like that's the ideal for me? I would like to get married then have kids of course... But it doesn't have to be that way though, I don't know why but I'd feel safer if I had kids before marriage because I don't want to feel trapped in case he's a bad guy anyway.. I don't know it's scary

CherryRoseChampange · Answer

I'm not against it, I feel like I may not always want to get married and it's not a guaranteed thing. I rather worry about having a family when I'm financially able and in a good romantic situation.

Apple1996 · Answer

No, I did it and it worked out

abc3643 · Answer

Absolutely against it and it has nothing to do with religious grounds.

It has to do with maturity and taking personal responsibility.

If you don't have the maturity and fortitude to take on the commitment of marriage then you don't have the necessary maturity and fortitude to take on being a parent which is considerably harder and permanent.

A man needs to prove that he will be there for the mother and child and he does that by getting married to the mother - preferrably BEFORE the child is born. The mother should hold him to that BEFORE she has his child.

Look at the countless "I fucked up my life because my baby daddies keep moving on. What should I do?'

KEEP YOUR FUCKING LEGS CLOSED NOW AND GET MARRIED FIRST.

Women should married to and have children with MEN, NOT BOYS. Men are willing to put their money where their mouth is, so to speak. Men get married. Men understand what it's like to be a boy - the reckless selfish behavior especially when it comes to insecure young women craving love and attention. This is why men (and fathers and brothers) are protective of the women in their family and would prefer their females to marry men - not boys - and have children in the security of marriage.

art84 · Answer

My brother had two kids with his ex girlfriend and they had lots of problems with consistent arguing and fighting. If they had gotten married which they came close to, they probably would have gotten divorced. With his new girlfriend he didn't get married until after he had a daughter and another on the way. My parents forced him as it didn't look right to be living with someone. Now he's happily married with his wife and 2 boys from a previous relationship and two girls from his new one.

I myself wouldn't have children before marriage. I would get married first then have children later.

GuidoThePizzaMaker · Answer

A child needs 2 parents to have the best life possible
Marriage ensures that both parents around, thats why it was created, and thats why it is a useful institution
Now only if people werent so quick to divorce. And realized marriage is about doing things for other people.

Kunxter · Answer

I have never really understood that kids-after-marriage thing. Why would you wait if you want kids? What changes after marriage? You're both still the same people with the same personalities and everything as you were before marriage. For me, it's just a "paper". Plus the annoying ring on your finger all the time.
And in case you both start being annoyed by each other over time, it's easier to just break up than to divorce.
I know it's all traditional and required by some societies and everything, but I say, if you want to have kids, have them when you want to and not when the society wants you to have them.

Anonymous · Answer

What I’m against is *deciding* to get pregnant and have a kid when you’re not married. That makes no sense to me. Look at Kate Hudson - the woman has three baby daddies and has only married one of them. I try not to judge, but come on... that doesn’t sound like a recipe for happy, well-adjusted kids. It sounds like a recipe for a confusing home life and a messy legal situation.

Accidents do happen, but protecting yourself against pregnancy isn’t rocket science. You can get free condoms at many clinics, and if you’re old enough to be having sex, you should be able to afford them and/or female birth control anyway.

NatashaJ · Answer

I don't mind but I still think it's a bad idea lol, most of the women I know who doing that tend to not stay with the baby daddy anyway. Doing birth control and condoms and wait to have kids after you marry someone is probably a better option (unless you marry a abuser or a loser).

fashionguy17 · Answer

I'm not against it. However, I'm not getting married. I'm sick of people putting so much emphasis on marriage. Marriage doesn't guarantee anything and the divorce rate is through the roof. I don't know why people push marriage so much. Nothing changes in your relationship when you are married. Personally... I'd rather have a life partner and not even worry about marriage. Anywho...

My whole philosophy on kids is not to have them until you are financially stable and you are with someone you truly appreciate. Ideally in your 30s when you have your life figured out.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Yes. Having children out wedlock tends to create broken and dysfunctional homes which leads to affecting the children being raised in an unhealthy environment.

Having children after marriage, gives children a more stable, safe and secure environment with their biological mom and dad which contributes to the overall well being of the child.

Anonymous · Answer

I am against having children out of wedlock because there is a far greater risk the child will end up being raised without its father, which exposes it to FAR greater risk of all kinds of issues. At the micro level it is obviously very harmful to the child, and at the macro level very harmful to society.

www.liveabout.com/fatherless-children-in-america-statistics-1270392

ninjaykie · Answer

Kids before marriage doesn't give the security that they're gonna have both parents rearing them. Although single parenthood is a trend now, there will always be some sort of psychological effect to the kid if he/she lacks a maternal/paternal support. The family is the foundation of the nation and therefore people should think more about being careful. Always have protected sex.

Gabbers4482 · Answer

No I'm not. Kids dont keep marriages together, the people in it do. And you can choose to have kids outside of marriage and still raise them just as well. It's about the commitment that the two parents have to do right by the kids. And sometimes that means not being together.

worldscolide · Answer

very against it. From a legal standpoint a father of a child out side of marriage has no rights to his child, but the mother has the right to take nearly 50% of his money in child support with no visitation provided. Sorry no way am i going to allow my self to be a father to a child where i get no rights, and have to fight to prove my self a parent to that child in the circus that is family court.

MoonlightShadow1111 · Answer

I don't think it really matters, just as long as the couples are healthy and stable for the children. Sometimes marriage can be a disadvantage, and lots of people rush into it just because they got pregnant or think they "found the one" after a little amount of time dating. Both weddings and divorces are really costly, so it's best to think before you decide to put a ring on someone's finger.

EpicDweeb · Answer

Yep, if for no other reason it has been shown to lead to terrible financial instability and often poverty. You don't have to do much to stay out of poverty. There's a list of like 3 things that have been shown to almost always keep you out of poverty if you do them all and if I remember correctly, getting married early and/or having a kid out of wedlock was one of the big three.

BobSansMal · Answer

I think it's a bad idea. Kids are SO stressful, it really helps to have the social support that marriage brings to keep a couple together.
However... It's not the worst thing in the world. I think families with married parents are closer to ideal, but all families are beautiful things.

VikingBlood86 · Answer

Am I specifically against it? No.
But I do recognize the obvious benefits of children being raised in a two parent family situation? Absolutely yes. It's objectively better statistically. Obviously there are exceptions but those are mostly decisions that should have been made before the pregnancy ever happened.

Hamsteroids · Answer

Yes! Absolutely I’m against it. It’s like, how are you gonna commit to this child when you have yet made a commitment to me? That’s just not right to me 🤔

StephenCF · Answer

I was normally against having kids in general, but nowadays I’m open to it ONLY if I still have them with one particular Turkish girl. I won’t have kids with anyone else!

But no, I wouldn’t encourage the idea of having kids before marriage (for myself or anyone)

Annie12234 · Answer

I am aganist kids after marriage because I wouldn’t want to have a kid before either at least get engaged or married. It’s about taking responsibility and has to do with maturity. It’s a lots of work. What if it’s not work out then not good to have a kid without a father to have relationship.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Marriage is a title that isn't required to say you've chosen who you'll be with, make kids with, and make a life with. But generally yes, I look down on her that gets pregnant with some guy she has barely known for a week and it's obvious it's not going to work out.

AlienParasite · Answer

Mhhh... I would say "living together", not "marriage". People shouldn't have kids until they have economical stability and have been living together for long time enaugh to know if they work well together for real. Marriage doesn't mean anything, is living together and learning to work together in the relationship what means something.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Well my son is due in a couple of months, i'm not getting married that quick.
Marriage is an antiquated concept, in hostory it was as much a financial agreement than for love, dosen't mean much these days. Divorce rates are sky high. New laws make divorce easier.

KeziL · Answer

I’d rather have my own kids after marriage but I wouldn’t abort a child just because of timing (or for any reason honestly). I think it’s not ideal but it can work if the parents really try.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

In general, yes. Marriage, again in general, creates a more stable environment for raising children as opposed to just living together.

hafinjun · Answer

Personally I thinking bearing fruit before you have the infrastructure in place to maintain something like that is silly , if you have A home a job to support their needs, then go for it but in this day and age to get accidentally pregnant is inexcuseable.

CubsterShura · Answer

Strongly against it. It makes children more vulnerable to problems that they shouldn't be facing.

MrOracle · Answer

I'm against having kids at all, but, yes, if you're going to have them, then in my opinion you should be married and committed to your family. Creating a life is a HUGE and sober responsibility, and not one that should be taken lightly.

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

I do think it's better if people had kids after marriage. It makes raising a kid better and healthier.

Makarinas · Answer

Yes , of course.
I would prefer to get married in order to have kids when I fell in love with someone
What a nonsense and ugly thing.
One always responsible themselves.
Don't think these answers here and you do whatever you want.

TheUniqueOne96 · Answer

I don't want kids anyway, but if I did, I'd say I wouldn't care, like I don't think everyone should necessarily get married before they have kids, like I don't think marriage is necessary for everyone.

iamjersey · Answer

In a perfect world, you meet, then date, then marry, buy a house, have kids, and never worry about money. I don't live in that world. If your lucky enuf to fall in love and blessed with a child, then you are blessed...

Buckzor · Answer

I wouldn't want to have a kid before either at least being engaged or married.

madgoat · Answer

There needs to be two parents who are committed to a stable household and raising kids. Marriage is a good way of declaring this intent but not the only way.

SongBird3 · Answer

Im against it. Marriage and Kids are a lifetime commitment, if your not willing to commit to me as a life partner, than im gonna question your commitment as a parent.

scoobydoo123 · Answer

Marriage doesn't really mean anything in terms of your commitment to eachother or, even if you are separated, your commitment to the kid. It might be easier in some aspects to be married (ie legal reasons and school enrolment) but I can see plenty of reasons not to marry (ie costs and reduction of necessary benefits).

WTFever · Answer

Yes, people should wait until they are married to have kids. But if people are happy with doing it, then that's their prerogative.

angelospetlis · Answer

I think kids deserve an 100% "traditional" family, so yeah!

ImagineSketchy · Answer

Nope. It happens. Marriage is a human concept... Life goes on with or without it, however our species/race will and cannot go on without reproduction. In other words, it's totally fine with me.

Hurlyburly · Answer

Isn't creating a stabile home for your future children pretty much the whole purpose of getting married?

mario_with_no_luigi · Answer

Personally I’d say yes! Not that marriage means happiness but at least it means commitment and stability. If I ever would bring innocent kids to this cruel world, I’d like to do it with my utmost commitment.

Adam1978 · Answer

You should be in a stable relationship with a good enough economy, but marriage doesn't have to be a part of the deal,

loveslongnails · Answer

I'm against having kids if you're not going to stay together, love each other, love the kids, and raise them well. I don't care if you're married or not.

Redstang88 · Answer

As long as it’s a stable relationship I don’t see a problem.  One of my work buddies has been with his “wife” for almost 30 years, had three kids and they never got married.

Justbeyouandbehappy_ · Answer

I'm against it because I've seen people like that in my family and everything sucks because there is no commitment and they think that they could cheat on anyone because of that

OhmIsTyping · Answer

Cause it's utterly irresponsible of two people to have a kid when they aren't in a relationship. What happens to the kid if somehow they both seperate?

Creepazoid · Answer

Im againts it but sometimes these things can't be planned. And whether or not the parents step up when it does happen is what defines who they are as people

AlexanderBrunnrgaard · Answer

I won't have children before marriage, because it's very unwise. But I can't stop others from choosing to do so if they want to.

ChronicThinker · Answer

No, not at all. I don't think marriage is necessary to have children.

lucasnabizada · Answer

It's not about being for or against per-se... Let's just say that it's almost always more advisable for the wellbeing of a child etc

SjE78 · Answer

nope I had 2 of mine before getting married to the mother of my 3rd child

Passinggas · Answer

Yes and after. Women can do this on their own now so they can carry on the species while I do whatever. So it doesn't matter what I think.

Inneedofusername · Answer

I'm against having kids no matter what time of life. Should I still vote?

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Well if me and a Woman would sign agreement that we would get married after we had a baby together yes i would be fine with it.

Ellie-V · Answer

No, because I will have kids and never get married.

CreativeMumble · Answer

No.  My parents got my brother before they got married and they're still together.

Maazin · Answer

Makes sense right?  What is a marriage? its a contract between two people which automatically gives many rights legal wise which are not possible in other ways.

veebee14 · Answer

I guess it depends if your religious or not however me personally doesn’t think it’s a big deal myself , however id understand if some people wanted to wait

call_me_S · Answer

Because i think that it should be a good family structure to start having kids
And for me i think thats why it should be like this
Getting married isn't just to live forever together
But it also to have a good base for the family house

Are you against having kids before marriage?

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