My boyfriend lives with his Ex girlfriend. What do I do?

Question

I've been seeing this man for about 3 months now. I just found out that he currently lives with his ex girlfriend. the ex is the mother of his 2 children. I already knew he had children before we started seeing each other. I found out about his living arrangement from a friend who let it slip when he was drunk. I spoke to him about it and he emphasized heavily that they were not sleeping together and that they are not together anymore. I believe him for the most part but I know his ex's family and everyone is telling me that they are still together. But he says that they have been broken up for at least 2 years now. And if he was dating her i'm sure she would question where he was at all hours of the night and who the girl on his social media is? wouldn't she? He says that the only reason they live together is because one of their children has special needs and its easier for them to provide for the child if they are under the same roof. Is he tell me the truth or am i being played?

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

It's a serious red flag. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to be. Keep in mind, he knew it would be something that would give you pause. Which is why he doesn't tell people. It wasn't Oh, I waited till the third date... I was three months.

If you want to keep pursuing this, invite the ex wife out. See what she says is going on. Mind you, they could still be lying, but if she's saying the exact same things he is, that it might be safer. Don't just assume she knows, or that he's telling the truth (or at least not giving convenient excuses). She could just be apathetic about him going out. Or, he could just be telling her he's going to a movie, or going to the bar with the guys, or he has to work weird hours, and she might not have a clue. Until you see the divorce papers, be very cautious.

Personally, I just wouldn't. It's too much of a red flag. I might leave it open... "hey, you're not ready for a relationship... use this time to take care of the kid - they need that time." (not angry). "There's too much going on... call me when you move." Something like that. Unless you really want to pursue things, then get close with the ex to make sure she knows. If he has a problem with you two meeting, then there's something up.

LesterJester · Accepted Answer

Sounds reasonable enough. Though if the relationship continues and evolves, he's going to have to split from them eventually.

I started dating another girl when I was still living with my ex, and that was because we were stuck in a year long lease agreement on the apartment and broke up about two months in. She was already dating other people at the time I started seeing this other girl.

Eventually my ex was turning the apartment into a slum, my girlfriend wasn't getting along with her room mate and then both my ex and girlfriend almost got into a fist fight and I decided that was enough of this shit, kicked the ex out and my girlfriend moved in instead.

I'm not with either now as I eventually found out she was just as bad as the ex when it came to drama, cheating and bullshit.

What's my point?

I like stories.

sejla · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't be comfortable with it but I knew of two cases where exes were living together. In both cases the ex wives were thrilled but they did it so the father of their child wouldn't be homeless. The one man was either without a job or underemployed. He eventually moved out to a room in a house. The other case the woman has taken her ex in because he isn't able to work and she is trying to keep the stress down for her adult child who is autistic. In that case the ex has some mental health issues which lead to their break up and I wonder if he might be autistic too. He was diagnosed as mentally disabled (I don't know the current term) but he is far from it.

Paris13 · Accepted Answer

Every situation is Different in a Case such as this One, hun. I am Living with my Ex, But we are just family and Friends, Nothing More behind Closed Doors. We own a Business and Help each Other, I even Plan next Year, Dear, To move into my Own place. My Fiance knows about us. Trusts me.
However, You do NOT know him well enough in this Scenario so I would Keep an Open Eye on this Guy. As time goes On, Trust will NEED to Play a Part in your own Heart. I don't Blame YOU for being upset. One never Knows how it Goes... xx

coachTanthony · Answer

Get a new boyfriend!  unless you want to move in with them?

OlderAndWiser · Answer

If his excuse (special needs child) is valid, then he will continue to live with his ex indefinitely, right?

Screenwriter · Answer

"His ex's family and everyone is telling me that they are still together. He says that the only reason they live together is because one of their children has special needs and its easier for them to provide for the child if they are under the same roof. Is he telling me the truth, or am I being played?" Girl, this guy's living arrangement, children and finances are so tangled up in his former relationship, he should not possibly be embarking on another one. You need to get away from this dude until he severs ties in a normal way. There is too much drama in the current setup and you'll be drawn into it. I think his arrangement is easier for him.. That is the only solid truth he's told you.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

The situation as a whole sounds like a red flag.

The fact he kept the situation a secret from you is an additional red flag.

That said, if it's true about the special needs child, then I can see how having both parents under same roof could be helpful for the child's sake.

Still, if that's really the reason behind them living together, then it's not like he would put your wants before the needs of his child. So this is the situation you're gonna have to either accept, or walk away from altogether.

Personally, if I were in your shoes I think this would be too many complications for me to even bother trying to navigate.

But then again, life is messy, but his feelings for you could be legit. I don't know... it's too hard to say. But the fact he lives with his ex, to me that just doesn't bode well for you personally. Maybe you two are so solid that you can trust him in that situation... but... I just don't know...

JershTheDud · Answer

Alright, I'm going to go with a controversial approach, however, I will try to be thoughtful of it.

A possibility is that he didn't want you to have to pity him or anything like that and simply wanted you to look at him for who he is.

Assuming he is an honest guy, and is there for his kid who is requires special treatment, it sounds like he is doing the right thing. He's taking care of his child to the full degree. Now, you don't exactly need to "move" or "move on".

Allow me to ask this, if someone was taking care of their mother or father who was extremely ill, would you be in the same position? Or would you help them right away?

What you could do, and this is just a recommendation, so it isn't absolute. Perhaps try getting a place close to the area so he can go over and do what he needs to do. You know?

LoneStranger · Answer

Baby with special needs, and would need a lot of support that's fine, but the question is will that situtation change? If not how will u fit in to that life? That is if he is telling the truth. Either way if the relationship is serious there should be clear indicators that this is where it's heading towards. 3 months , 1 year, 5 years, will that explation change. If u are serious u should get an idea of possible how a future would be. Ask, get answers and be sure, remember this is not an argument, this is not because u want to breakup , this would be because u want something serious so u are genuinely concerned and want to know the future for both of u. If not best to avoid the conversation.

feliciacasale · Answer

Honestly it’s messy, if you’re not “in love” yet I would take a step back and move a lot slower. I would keep your options open. I don’t want you to risk being hurt and kick yourself in the butt because deep down you knew it wasn’t the right situation for you from the start. Be smart now while you’re not completely invested. Sometimes hanging on hurts more than letting go. It’s too sketch for me I’m sorry. If you’re not together for two years now and you have a job... there’s no reason to live together. Clearly there’s some type of connection there we don’t know about. Kids don’t keep people together.. hopes do.

MusicMayhem · Answer

That's too fucking weird for me. I'd run. Living with an ex for a couple of months til they find a new place. Sure no problem. Living with an ex for 2 years though. No way. I reckon it's a safe bet one still likes the other. Maybe he likes her and she stays cause he gives her cheap rent.

Like can you imagine how awkward it'd be if one of them brought home another guy/girl to fuck? It would never happen so they must still have something going on.

Mädchen · Answer

He lied to you for 3 months. Thats enough reason to break it off to me. And If it's really because of his child, you realize it won't suddenly be cured? So are you fine with him living with his ex as long as his child needs Help? In other words, probably forever.

SarahsSummer · Answer

Having a special needs child does make sense and actually makes him even more attractive. Absent some other information, I think you need to believe him. Let him know your concerns and see if he makes any suggestions to help you believe/understand. After only 3 months it may be too soon to meet his children but if he’s ok with it, accept. Maybe then you can get a better understanding of the situation with his ex.

markscott · Answer

Two things. He kept it from you, that he was living with his ex. That is a very, very big omission. Two: Have nothing to do with him until, if and when, he is no longer living with his ex. What does he expect will happen if you guys get real close? For you to move in with him and his ex? Of course he would say no, but that is all he can offer. Stop seeing him.

caligirl03 · Answer

Hmm I can definitely see why he wouldn't want to disclose that information right away out of fear of scaring you off. However, I don't think that necessarily means he's being shady or dishonest. And the fact that they have kids together, one with special needs, could definitely be factoring into wanting to keep the family unit together, at least physically speaking. Also, like you said, if he were still with her, she would obviously question why he's out with another girl all the time.

rozequarts · Answer

Even if it is the truth, which it doesn't sound like it or he wouldve been straight from you from the beginning, you can get a man who doesn't have a baby moma or kids or drama like that. You're young. If you're gonna date a dad make sure he actually is a SINGLE dad. This dude seems questionable.

undercoverirish · Answer

I had a similar situation. I was the ex still living with my ex! We shared a kid and we were just trying to finalise everything financially so we could break away from each other.

If he’s adamant that they’ve split maybe you could try and trust him, I know that’s hard. He met someone else and her and I are great friends now but she struggled to deal with the fact he was still coming home to a shared house with me.

QueenTanya · Answer

Why did he keep it a secret in the first place? If he's innocent, he shouldn't have to hide that. Besides, I honestly don't believe it's 100% necessary to live together because of that. He could be visiting more often, but living together? That means the two of them can still get along. I would be suspicious, but I don't know him like you do.

crazy8000 · Answer

Sounds truthful to me.
Live in a similar situation since the end of 2012.
Can tell you, some female's are hard to be friends with since they have a tendency to not grow out of extremely immature and selfish behavior that sometimes keeps popping up once in a while.

You will notice if he have let go of the ex as a wife or not.
That about her parents still thinks they are together is probably her fault of not being honest about it to them just like it was for me the first 2 years.

Avicenna · Answer

If it were all above board, he would have told you that when he first met you. Him not telling you that would be a dealbreaker if it happened to me.

Beyond the lie of omission on his part, how long is he going to continue to live with his ex? Another thing that should have been addressed early on.

wingattebaby16 · Answer

I would tell him this is not kewl

He needs to live separate from his ex or you need to move on

Exes have a way of wearing you down and at some point they either mess up your relationship with the guy OR they "accidentally" hook up, it didn't mean anything, then it happens again.

If he needs sex, you are there

Marinaughty · Answer

If you truly love him then put your trust on him, he's like a dad and I can understand that when I was small my dad had to work at different city n it's quite sad actually. Give his kids sometimes they need both mom n dad. You can ask him to introduce you to his wife n the kids n brings them some gifts if he refuses then you know

chris0977 · Answer

He DIDN'T TELL YOU in 3 months he lives with his ex girlfriend. You already know the answer, if you don't you're an idiot, but I'm assuming you want Hope it's been a great 3 months, you've got wonderful foundations for a relationship to carry you for decades.

Hai_tis_E · Answer

The guy I'm talking to lives with his ex. They bought the house together which is why nobody has moved out. Sometimes it bothers me but he's assured me that they were just better off as friends. she's currently pregnant to another guy so things have gotta change soon.

SirRexington · Answer

Look, if they were broken up for reasons involving anger towards one another then they wouldn't still be living together. They chose to still live together which suggests their relationship is still strong in some way.

I don't trust this man. They very well may be broken you but that is a risk I would not be willing to take nor should you.

Jimmy_Jam · Answer

It doesn't matter whether or not they are sleeping together. His inability to be upfront about the complexity of his family situation is an immediate red-flag. If he can't be open with you about this up front, it shows that even he knows it's a bad situation.
Even if he isn't still "with her", the lack of openness is highly concerning.

winterfox10 · Answer

It's totally unsustainable, but yes, I think he is telling the truth. Now, as far as what you can do about it; nothing. Well... that's not true, but you'd need a trash bag, some bleach, a plane ticket, 2 identical cars, and a Rage Against The Machine mix tape.

thedoctormsh · Answer

Sorry but the question is: Why he didn’t tell you from the beginning? Isn’t supposed to? That’s un explainable and unfortunately mistake from his side.

And since he has children he looks older than you by far. So I’m wondering if he just used you for his sexual demands. That’s so shameful.

I would advise you to clarify everything with him and make sure about any doubt in your mind. Then decide based on your benefits not his benefits. Good luck honey. You seem so pure white heart.

Anonymous · Answer

I hope you see how there's a lot of your own fault in this. How come you didn't realize this before? It took you 3 months to figure this out? What kind of dating is this? How well do you even know this person?

Anyways, you are engaging in a very risky gamble here, I wouldn't advise you to put your heart on the line with something that seems so fragile. With that being said, if this guy really is special, then perhaps give him a chance but you need to meet his ex-girlfriend and family before you continue the relationship

RHK36 · Answer

Even if what he is saying is true, it doesn't matter. Based on his actions and lack of communication with you by not disclosing his situation, he's not ready for a real relationship. If you truly have feelings for each you'll give each time and space until he sorts his shit out to be in a better situation. Except he sounds like he'll never move out. If that's the case how will your relationship with him ever be stable?

MonagiRiz · Answer

I don't know but I think it's better if you clarify it with both of them. You may ask them separately or at the same time. You three have to draw a clear line so that you all mutually know how to act towards each other and to figure out whether to continue your relationship with your boyfriend or not.

BubblyMaria · Answer

Definitely getting played. Even if he's not sleeping with her, he didn't tell you something that is huge. If he can't be upfront about stuff then does he hold any validity?

foxrider77 · Answer

Are you serious? Have some respect for yourself. I would say call me when you live under a different roof. Maybe you should go to the gym and find Tony, Tony lifts all the weights and is great at using his tongue. go meet Tony.

ronaldo75 · Answer

You're getting PLAYED. 99.999999999% of situations where people are "broken up but living together" are really open-relationships. NO one lives with a partner, ex partner or not, and doesn't have random sex with them. I broke up with my ex and in the 2 weeks it took her to move out we fucked practically everyday.

ikisseddeath · Answer

It all depends on your trust for him I can see the doubt I would have some myself but if you dont trust him it sadly won't work out you can try talking to him about it really make him Express why maybe ask to meet his kids and his ex and make the decision yourself

VaIiant · Answer

Literally break up immediately. Are you dumb? She's the mother of his kid and they LIVE TOGETHER. there's so much history and chemistry that being in the same room would be hard, much less living together. Run.

HeavyRoller · Answer

If you have been seeing him for 3 months and JUST found out about it then he has been lying to you for your entire relationship. Don't wait another minute. Dump him and run. You deserve better!!

pleasestopthis · Answer

Even if what he says is the truth, he must be sick to be living with ex of 2 years.
Also, he didn't tell you right away, because deep down he knows it's wrong. Red flag.
Just move on or you'll have too many troubles with guy.

slatyb · Answer

He lied about this? You dump him immediately. This is completely unacceptable. Not necessarily the circumstances (although I don’t see how he can carry on a relationship) but the lying. I wonder if the other woman knows about you.

Gottabsavagee · Answer

I think he’s playing both sides. Guys know how to lie. I know many examples who do exactly that. Don’t dirt your fingers with this fool, you’ll be much more happier with someone who is totally available and respects you.

ohshee · Answer

Weather it's true or not why put urself through that ,, why drive your self crazy even thinking about it. That's all u will be thinking about

SongBird3 · Answer

Dude leave him. If he’s willing to keep that big of a piece of information from you then clearly he’s lying

SueAnon84 · Answer

Why why why do women insist on doing this to themselves! So much unneeded fucking drama!

foriWish · Answer

Wtf. This whole situation is just messed up. You're young, why waste your time on a guy like him?

courtney06 · Answer

If I were in your shoes I'd just move on. That's way too much baggage for me to deal with personally. It would make me paranoid.

ashyguy2 · Answer

Move in with your ex boyfriend and you will see how fast your current boyfriend will change his mind on the issue.

R_Cakes91 · Answer

The fact that you JUST found out that he lives with his ex means he might be lying about other things. Confront him or dump him.

Shamalien · Answer

As others have said, you found out from his drunk friend, not him, about these living arrangements.  If he wasn't damn good looking you'd already be admitting you're being played, snap out of it girl!

Frogazz · Answer

If I had the opportunity to live with my ex so our son could be blessed with both of our presence on a daily basis I would... Even though I can't stand the lying cunt... Some make sacrifices to benefit those they love.

nerms123 · Answer

I personally wouldn’t date him because he wasn’t honest about it and it’s way too complicated

jillybeanns · Answer

They may not be in a relationship but they ARE DEFINITELY FUCKING lol. So if ur fine with that then move along!

MysteriousDarkness · Answer

Lets say this is all true. Since your boyfriend never told you himself but instead you found out when a friend of yours was drunk means you should dump your boyfriend. You should leave him behind and move ahead in live without him.

AuroraRoseat · Answer

You can’t know with this situation. I would ask to meet his kids and see how he reacts.

JessieLo · Answer

I would believe it once I heard it from the ex mouth. Until then he’s lying

Jackieboi · Answer

Probability wise id think you're being played but can't explain the social media stuff and long hours gone. Most probably he's f you both and she knows, but it could be like he's saying.

buttcrackjoe · Answer

I would be extremely uneasy with this situation id tell him he gotta move out if you wanna start dating it just takes a split second for them to start fuckin again

richardoshea · Answer

Have you not been invited over or met the kids? If there's nothing to hide I'm sure there wouldn't be any issues there. Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it to me

Annie12234 · Answer

Dump on his ass and find someone else treats you like princess 👸🏻

nomazi · Answer

I don't know, that would be a huge deal breaker for me

OddBeMe · Answer

Sounds like there’s subterfuge in this relationship which is toxic. Not for nothing, but raising kids in the same house will bring on horomones and biological sexual urges. Make new arrangements or find a new boyfriend

Dsg1193 · Answer

You found out from a drunk friend which means you weren’t supposed to find out period. Let him go

godfatherfan · Answer

wow... what do you do? look for another boyfriend... yikes

RobieMon · Answer

When I met my friends with benefits he was living with his ex girlfriend and we fuck on her bed and everything.

My boyfriend lives with his Ex girlfriend. What do I do?

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