My boyfriend lives with his Ex girlfriend. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing this man for about 3 months now. I just found out that he currently lives with his ex girlfriend. the ex is the mother of his 2 children. I already knew he had children before we started seeing each other. I found out about his living arrangement from a friend who let it slip when he was drunk. I spoke to him about it and he emphasized heavily that they were not sleeping together and that they are not together anymore. I believe him for the most part but I know his ex's family and everyone is telling me that they are still together. But he says that they have been broken up for at least 2 years now. And if he was dating her i'm sure she would question where he was at all hours of the night and who the girl on his social media is? wouldn't she? He says that the only reason they live together is because one of their children has special needs and its easier for them to provide for the child if they are under the same roof. Is he tell me the truth or am i being played?

[GoodManDave]

It's a serious red flag. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to be. Keep in mind, he knew it would be something that would give you pause. Which is why he doesn't tell people. It wasn't Oh, I waited till the third date... I was three months.

If you want to keep pursuing this, invite the ex wife out. See what she says is going on. Mind you, they could still be lying, but if she's saying the exact same things he is, that it might be safer. Don't just assume she knows, or that he's telling the truth (or at least not giving convenient excuses). She could just be apathetic about him going out. Or, he could just be telling her he's going to a movie, or going to the bar with the guys, or he has to work weird hours, and she might not have a clue. Until you see the divorce papers, be very cautious.

Personally, I just wouldn't. It's too much of a red flag. I might leave it open... "hey, you're not ready for a relationship... use this time to take care of the kid - they need that time." (not angry). "There's too much going on... call me when you move." Something like that. Unless you really want to pursue things, then get close with the ex to make sure she knows. If he has a problem with you two meeting, then there's something up.

[LesterJester]

Sounds reasonable enough. Though if the relationship continues and evolves, he's going to have to split from them eventually.

I started dating another girl when I was still living with my ex, and that was because we were stuck in a year long lease agreement on the apartment and broke up about two months in. She was already dating other people at the time I started seeing this other girl.

Eventually my ex was turning the apartment into a slum, my girlfriend wasn't getting along with her room mate and then both my ex and girlfriend almost got into a fist fight and I decided that was enough of this shit, kicked the ex out and my girlfriend moved in instead.

I'm not with either now as I eventually found out she was just as bad as the ex when it came to drama, cheating and bullshit.

What's my point?

I like stories.

[sejla]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it but I knew of two cases where exes were living together. In both cases the ex wives were thrilled but they did it so the father of their child wouldn't be homeless. The one man was either without a job or underemployed. He eventually moved out to a room in a house. The other case the woman has taken her ex in because he isn't able to work and she is trying to keep the stress down for her adult child who is autistic. In that case the ex has some mental health issues which lead to their break up and I wonder if he might be autistic too. He was diagnosed as mentally disabled (I don't know the current term) but he is far from it.

[sejla]

I meant to say not thrilled.

[sejla]

I meant as a child he was diagnosed

[Paris13]

Every situation is Different in a Case such as this One, hun. I am Living with my Ex, But we are just family and Friends, Nothing More behind Closed Doors. We own a Business and Help each Other, I even Plan next Year, Dear, To move into my Own place. My Fiance knows about us. Trusts me.
However, You do NOT know him well enough in this Scenario so I would Keep an Open Eye on this Guy. As time goes On, Trust will NEED to Play a Part in your own Heart. I don't Blame YOU for being upset. One never Knows how it Goes... xx

[Paris13]

@crazy8000 If you do NOT KNOW that person very Well, Only TIME WILL TELL. xx

[crazy8000]

Exactly 😉

[Paris13]

@crazy8000 Lolxxoo

[Paris13]

Thanks, Gag. xx

[coachTanthony]

Get a new boyfriend!

unless you want to move in with them?

[Nik1hil]

Listen to coach..
It's an endless loop..
One way is you move in with them..

[OlderAndWiser]

If his excuse (special needs child) is valid, then he will continue to live with his ex indefinitely, right?

[Emmalouise03]

Yeah and then when she moves in and have kids with him, they will be 3 adults, like all of that is fucked up. He needs to move out to make it work

[crazy8000]

Not necessarily.

[OlderAndWiser]

@crazy8000 I am talking about what is the most likely scenario, not what is merely possible.

[crazy8000]

Are you sure it's the most likely?
(To many people assumptions without anything real to go on get the high possibility wrong)

[OlderAndWiser]

@crazy8000 I think it is the most likely outcome, based upon what we have been told. All I can do is give advice based upon what I have been told.

[crazy8000]

That scenario is becoming very common lately,
High likelyhood of that he/she moves out if it gets right between. un till then they most likely not gonna move since it's no need for it.

Talk from experience with multiple cases.

[OlderAndWiser]

@crazy8000 Time will tell. If this guy isn't ready to move out from his ex, then he clearly is not ready to be moving in, and this female asking the question should run in the opposite direction.

[crazy8000]

That's one of the questions she should ask what could happen when it has developed that far to live together how it could turn in to.

Also the extra need part for the child if that kind of it could work for her too in the long run.

The ex is most likely not a problem when it comes to it and very few uses that to get something on the side since it's seen as a handicap.

[Screenwriter]

"His ex's family and everyone is telling me that they are still together. He says that the only reason they live together is because one of their children has special needs and its easier for them to provide for the child if they are under the same roof. Is he telling me the truth, or am I being played?" Girl, this guy's living arrangement, children and finances are so tangled up in his former relationship, he should not possibly be embarking on another one. You need to get away from this dude until he severs ties in a normal way. There is too much drama in the current setup and you'll be drawn into it. I think his arrangement is easier for him.. That is the only solid truth he's told you.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

The situation as a whole sounds like a red flag.

The fact he kept the situation a secret from you is an additional red flag.

That said, if it's true about the special needs child, then I can see how having both parents under same roof could be helpful for the child's sake.

Still, if that's really the reason behind them living together, then it's not like he would put your wants before the needs of his child. So this is the situation you're gonna have to either accept, or walk away from altogether.

Personally, if I were in your shoes I think this would be too many complications for me to even bother trying to navigate.

But then again, life is messy, but his feelings for you could be legit. I don't know... it's too hard to say. But the fact he lives with his ex, to me that just doesn't bode well for you personally. Maybe you two are so solid that you can trust him in that situation... but... I just don't know...

[JershTheDud]

Alright, I'm going to go with a controversial approach, however, I will try to be thoughtful of it.

A possibility is that he didn't want you to have to pity him or anything like that and simply wanted you to look at him for who he is.

Assuming he is an honest guy, and is there for his kid who is requires special treatment, it sounds like he is doing the right thing. He's taking care of his child to the full degree. Now, you don't exactly need to "move" or "move on".

Allow me to ask this, if someone was taking care of their mother or father who was extremely ill, would you be in the same position? Or would you help them right away?

What you could do, and this is just a recommendation, so it isn't absolute. Perhaps try getting a place close to the area so he can go over and do what he needs to do. You know?

[LoneStranger]

Baby with special needs, and would need a lot of support that's fine, but the question is will that situtation change? If not how will u fit in to that life? That is if he is telling the truth. Either way if the relationship is serious there should be clear indicators that this is where it's heading towards. 3 months , 1 year, 5 years, will that explation change. If u are serious u should get an idea of possible how a future would be. Ask, get answers and be sure, remember this is not an argument, this is not because u want to breakup , this would be because u want something serious so u are genuinely concerned and want to know the future for both of u. If not best to avoid the conversation.

[feliciacasale]

Honestly it’s messy, if you’re not “in love” yet I would take a step back and move a lot slower. I would keep your options open. I don’t want you to risk being hurt and kick yourself in the butt because deep down you knew it wasn’t the right situation for you from the start. Be smart now while you’re not completely invested. Sometimes hanging on hurts more than letting go. It’s too sketch for me I’m sorry. If you’re not together for two years now and you have a job... there’s no reason to live together. Clearly there’s some type of connection there we don’t know about. Kids don’t keep people together.. hopes do.

[MusicMayhem]

That's too fucking weird for me. I'd run. Living with an ex for a couple of months til they find a new place. Sure no problem. Living with an ex for 2 years though. No way. I reckon it's a safe bet one still likes the other. Maybe he likes her and she stays cause he gives her cheap rent.

Like can you imagine how awkward it'd be if one of them brought home another guy/girl to fuck? It would never happen so they must still have something going on.

[Mädchen]

He lied to you for 3 months. Thats enough reason to break it off to me. And If it's really because of his child, you realize it won't suddenly be cured? So are you fine with him living with his ex as long as his child needs Help? In other words, probably forever.

[Lucaiden]

Its not exactly a lie if he wasn't hiding it, obviously it never came up as a topic, and i can understand why he wouldn't just say "oh, and i am currently living with my ex because we have a child who has special needs" most people hearing that out of nowhere would most likely be freaked out dont you think?

[Mädchen]

If they are dating for 3 months He must have done a lot to hide the fact that he is living with his ex. Just because it makes him less attractive as a Partner it's not OK to hide it. He should've been open about it. It's not fair to get someone emotionally invested before dropping this kind of bomb. Just like people with Kids, Trans people, people who don't want kids... they know that's not something everyone desires so they should bring it up early

[Lucaiden]

"Should" but a lot of the time they dont through fear of rejection

[Mädchen]

This still doesn't make it right. It's better to get rejected by a Stranger than someone you've been together with for a while. And it's not fair on their partners

[SarahsSummer]

Having a special needs child does make sense and actually makes him even more attractive. Absent some other information, I think you need to believe him. Let him know your concerns and see if he makes any suggestions to help you believe/understand. After only 3 months it may be too soon to meet his children but if he’s ok with it, accept. Maybe then you can get a better understanding of the situation with his ex.

[Asker]

He has already offered for me to meet both the children and his ex but i have recently declined the offer as i feel it is too soon in our relationship for that. I believe him 100% and he has since expressed a desire to move out so we are looking at his options. Its too soon for him to live with me.

[SarahsSummer]

Ok good. So things are good. Sounds like you’ve got it figured out. Don’t listen to some of the other comments here.

[markscott]

Two things. He kept it from you, that he was living with his ex. That is a very, very big omission. Two: Have nothing to do with him until, if and when, he is no longer living with his ex. What does he expect will happen if you guys get real close? For you to move in with him and his ex? Of course he would say no, but that is all he can offer. Stop seeing him.

[caligirl03]

Hmm I can definitely see why he wouldn't want to disclose that information right away out of fear of scaring you off. However, I don't think that necessarily means he's being shady or dishonest. And the fact that they have kids together, one with special needs, could definitely be factoring into wanting to keep the family unit together, at least physically speaking. Also, like you said, if he were still with her, she would obviously question why he's out with another girl all the time.

[caligirl03]

That said, you have to ask yourself if you really want to get involved in such a messy situation.

[rozequarts]

Even if it is the truth, which it doesn't sound like it or he wouldve been straight from you from the beginning, you can get a man who doesn't have a baby moma or kids or drama like that. You're young. If you're gonna date a dad make sure he actually is a SINGLE dad. This dude seems questionable.

[QueenTanya]

Why did he keep it a secret in the first place? If he's innocent, he shouldn't have to hide that. Besides, I honestly don't believe it's 100% necessary to live together because of that. He could be visiting more often, but living together? That means the two of them can still get along. I would be suspicious, but I don't know him like you do.

[crazy8000]

Sounds truthful to me.
Live in a similar situation since the end of 2012.
Can tell you, some female's are hard to be friends with since they have a tendency to not grow out of extremely immature and selfish behavior that sometimes keeps popping up once in a while.

You will notice if he have let go of the ex as a wife or not.
That about her parents still thinks they are together is probably her fault of not being honest about it to them just like it was for me the first 2 years.

[Avicenna]

If it were all above board, he would have told you that when he first met you. Him not telling you that would be a dealbreaker if it happened to me.

Beyond the lie of omission on his part, how long is he going to continue to live with his ex? Another thing that should have been addressed early on.

[undercoverirish]

I had a similar situation. I was the ex still living with my ex! We shared a kid and we were just trying to finalise everything financially so we could break away from each other.

If he’s adamant that they’ve split maybe you could try and trust him, I know that’s hard. He met someone else and her and I are great friends now but she struggled to deal with the fact he was still coming home to a shared house with me.

[wingattebaby16]

I would tell him this is not kewl

He needs to live separate from his ex or you need to move on

Exes have a way of wearing you down and at some point they either mess up your relationship with the guy OR they "accidentally" hook up, it didn't mean anything, then it happens again.

If he needs sex, you are there

[Marinaughty]

If you truly love him then put your trust on him, he's like a dad and I can understand that when I was small my dad had to work at different city n it's quite sad actually. Give his kids sometimes they need both mom n dad. You can ask him to introduce you to his wife n the kids n brings them some gifts if he refuses then you know

[Romeo0071234]

I agree.. but maybe just meet the wife..3 months might be too soon for him to let someone new in his kids lives. . But he can definitely introduce her to the so called ex. If he flat out object to it... he may be on b. s..

[Marinaughty]

You're right about the kids!!! But to be honest 3 months into a relationship isn't long enough to me it's like getting to know each others

[Romeo0071234]

I agree. You're right.

[chris0977]

He DIDN'T TELL YOU in 3 months he lives with his ex girlfriend. You already know the answer, if you don't you're an idiot, but I'm assuming you want Hope it's been a great 3 months, you've got wonderful foundations for a relationship to carry you for decades.