Guys, What makes a good listener, in your opinion?

[williael]

I want to be a better listener to my man, especially when he needs to vent about work pressures. It seems to me that a man may want a different type of listening than my female friends. For example, my best friend and I kind of talk at the same time sometimes, or ask clarification questions as we go, and it's not a problem. However, it seems to frustrate him if I do this, and the last thing I want is to add frustration. Help me become a better listener, guys! Thanks!

[TremorJay]

While listening, don't fall into these 4 traps:

1. Do I get it? Don't just jump to the conclusion that you understand what a person is talking about and tune out the actual words.

2. Is it my turn to talk? Don't let your mind wander towards thinking about what to say next and anticipating your turn.

3. How does this relate to me? Don't tune out entire conversation topics because you feel it does not relate to you.

4. Am I being tested? Don't get caught up in trying to pass the test or say what they want to hear. It's better conversation to be honest.

[williael]

Thank you. Very good advice.

[TremorJay]

Thanks I stole it!

[williael]

Well, you have good taste in stolen advice, then! 😁

[madgoat]

If clarification frustrates him, just be there and listen.
Wait until he's finished, validate his actions and reasoning (assuming they're reasonable) , and maybe carefully suggest a different perspective based on your understanding of the world.
Guys tend to think things out for themselves with less or no discussion, more than girls. You need to be careful of not seeming to undermine him.
If he gets a good reaction from you, he'll be more open to telling you stuff in future, and maybe inviting your opinion and advice.

[williael]

I appreciate your answer. Thankfully, I can pretty much always validate his actions and reasoning, because I genuinely admire him for how he handles people and situations at work. I look up to him so much, and I'm always proud! Thank you especially for the warning to avoid the appearance of undermining him, and for saying that I may be inadvertently doing that. This is exactly why I put the question out to guys-- so I can know WHY there's a bad reaction in our conversations sometimes. You've given me valuable points to keep in mind next time he talks! Thanks!

[Abumia]

Pls select as MHO :)

[AlexBlack007]

Be present and pay attention. That's all it is. I don't know if it's a man or woman thing but sometimes it's very relaxing to know someone is actually listening. I know this because I listen to everyone but I have nobody who listens to me 😅. When I listen to people and have an opinion to share I wait for long pauses. And if there's a long pause and I don't have the right things to say (and the silence is getting awkward), I just ask "what happened then?" or "what did you do after that?" and things like that to continue the conversation. It clears the other person's head, calms them down, lightens the mood if they were venting.

[coolbreeze]

In order to become a better listener you have to listen a lot to what the other person is saying and you add your input when nessacary. Some people just like to talk a lot and vent which is fine. But you have to know when you enter and give your advice when needed.

[williael]

Thank you! I feel like I do a pretty good job most of the time. It's just those times I get swept up into the conversation that I revert back to interacting more instead of listening. Thanks for your answer.

[coolbreeze]

Your very welcome

[Inv8derChris]

I don't know if there's necessarily different types of listening; but all the men I know just need to feel like they have someone in their corner, on their side. Some people need for you to agree with them, other just need to be hard. If I'm angry or upset about something, I don't necessarily need someone else to agree with me; just mostly to listen and understand what I'm riled up about and why it matters to me

[williael]

You made the statement that he most likely likes to feel like I'm on his side, etc. Sometimes when he talks about how someone comes at him at work, I try to figure out why they would do such a thing, and I'll say, "Maybe their motive was _____." Maybe to him, that sounds like I'm defending the other person's position (that I'm not on his side)? Another thing that seems to annoy him (sometimes, not always) is when I try to cheer him up or sympathize. He says he knows I'm only trying to encourage him, but sometimes he needs me just to listen so he can get whatever it is off his chest, and THAT'S what makes him feel better. What are your thoughts on this? I love being the one he wants to talk to when work is stressful, and I want to be what he needs! Thank you for your answer!

[face4sit]

Hanna I just remind myself of "females conversation" u talk about. Crazy ass shit. I heard many. U girl talk bout everything and so detailed. Unneeded details for both. We guys don't even talk 10% of your talks on those topics. i mean schoolgirl prob have not talk bout cocks so much lol. Maybe all my friends like that. Not a statistics, so don't take it personal )) love

[BeMuse]

You’ve already seen what gets a negative reaction, so do the other thing.

[williael]

Good point. Thank you.

[cloud9vortex1234]

He probably thinks your not listening, and talking over him instead. If you are listening , and are not intending to do that then I would tell him so he doesn't misunderstand you.

[williael]

I like your answer, because it gets to the heart of what I suspect is going on. I have mentioned this to him, that I realized I tend to act with him like I do with my best girlfriend, or any longtime female friend I feel comfortable with, and interrupt and talk over him (friends do the same with me). On the flip side, he is so quiet when I'm talking on the phone to him that I'm not even sure he's there! Then he chuckles and says, "I'm just listening." He knows I'm not used to that! Your answer reminds me that he's my man and deserves respect, and to be listened to the way HE considers respectful. Thank you!

[cloud9vortex1234]

You're Welcome

[ChiTown33]

Lol yeah definitely sounds like he just wants to vent. He doesn't want anything other than for you just to agree with him. Lol

[jimmy2]

A good listener will keep the mouth closed and the ears open

[williael]

This sounds like it would make an excellent fortune cookie proverb! Good advice!

[whaturlookingfor]

All u have to do is sit back and stay quiet let him get everything out after he finishes u do your part as a girlfriend giving him that support making sure he good little sex if u wanna put the icening on the cake, and everything will be alright

[TonyBologna25]

I’m here to see the advice too. I can be a terrible listener lol