If you got molested as a child, would you talk about it with your partner?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I premise this is a general question.
Personally, I don't talk about those things or other issues with my fiancée, I don't see the need as there are qualified therapists better equipped to help with certain issues or traumas.
What about you?

Updates

+1 y

One of the things that come up to me is that the therapist is paid to listen to those things and knows exactly how to deal with them, plus they follow a professional ethic and won't use those things to manipulate or hurt you even more.
On the other hand, a partner might react badly, mock or use those things to manipulate or make you suffer even more.
I know it's ugly to think it that way, but sometimes it's true.

[hellionthesagereborn]

I was as a child (and abused physically, starved stabbed in the head etc.(fun times)), and I have no issue speaking about it with anyone, significant other to a complete stranger. It was what it was and its not something I asked for so I don't feel ashamed of it (because why should I? That's like feeling ashamed that I got the flu, it was out of my control and had nothing to do with me). Personally I think the more you talk about it the better off you are because it helps you come to terms with it (because either you come to terms with it and move on or you let it fester and cause problems, their is no other options as far as I can see). It also helps them understand you better and they are going to be more careful with certain things or at least under stand some of your quirks better. I don't see a down side to it.

[soleil2666]

This is tricky - you ought to be able to - but then if you've found a partner to mirror the image of those who have molested you, you won't be helping yourself.
In that regard, the safest thing to do is to get over it yourself, by using your own labour and resoures/skills to set up a molestation free environment, to get used to not being molested/get your PTSD resolved - and then from that perspective talk to your partner.
(It also comes as part of being male and being more likely/expected to lead - if not overtly, then between the lines (if you look at how women generally complain about any offence done to them but rarely resolve it, you will notice they essentially still expect some male to help them resolve it, to be the pillar of that))

[Mattietate7]

It would take me awhile. I would have to be sure they were in it for the long haul. I have past traumas that I choose not to share right away for selfish reasons but also because you're not obligated to. If it effects your intimacy then maybe when it gets to that point then try to explain the best you can. Nobody is entitled to know that about you but it also might bring you closer!

[SexyAshh]

Confused after reading the context if it actually was a general question or did in fact happen to you?

I myself did have that happen, and its not something i talk about upfront but believe its good to talk about eventually, just becauase i like my partners to know everything over time, it just makes the bond even stronger, and the respect grow in my opinion

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Some things that I recognize now are weird happened to me, but I don't think I was molested or that the person had that intention. I'm working on it with my therapist as I have some issues and anxietis for intimacy.

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I hope you are recuperating well and that everything is going alright for you.

[SexyAshh]

Oh no its totally fine, i have gotten past it, but thats why im at the point im OK talking about it.

I do think you should tell your fiance, she's almost your wife. I feel like you're overthinking the situation, like i said, i think shed respect the fact you told her

[mrfoox]

I would. Mainly because I'd want to find someone I can be open about with everything. I have a history of past abuse and if I find someone who loves me and I can trust, I would eventually work up the courage to go through it with them. It's a form of trust to me. If I cannot tell them about the worst experiences I've had, I don't think I trust them enough to be with them for long term.
In the end we're all different, so this is just my feelings. You have your own experiences and thoughts and it's you who has the final say on what you say or don't say

[wynn-ing]

You're not doing them or yourself any favour by not telling them.
If you fear their reaction, are they really your life partner? If ye aren't honest with yourselves about the realities that you have faced, how can you have a mutually understanding and REAL relationship? Would you not think that them not reacting well is an indicator that there are pot holes on the road that could (honestly, will) lead to bigger problems and relationship issues down the line?

I think it should definitely be a topic of discussion as it is actually a great indicator of how compatible you are and is just overall a cut to the burden if they react well. And if they don't, you know they're not it.

But I also think that it should not be something that is forced to be talked about - whenever and whomever is ready to be open about it (hopefully at any but some point down the line) is the time.
I just think that if you feel uncomfortable sharing such things with your partner that that shows at least some extent of incompatibility and a sort of distrustful or fearful nature in the relationship.

[james2018dean]

If your partner doesn't this about you, they dont really know you.

[Moonchild714]

There are only 2 Lovers I ever told about the Sexual Abuse I endured as a Child and All the Other Traumas throughout my life. First was my First True Love back in High School (R. I. P Love). Second is the man I married. You don't need to tell every person you are goingbto date about your Traumas, but your Spouse or Spouse Equivalent should know. If you can't tell the person you say you truly Love and want to fully commit to for Life you have no business marrying that person. A person should know that they csn trust their Partner not to use those things against. If you believe this person will then ONE should RUN as far from that Relationship as Possible!!! A Partner deserves to know what makes us who we are how we are and why we are a certain with certain things. It helps them to understand things that they were questioning but didn't say. The way I did this before my husband and I even git engaged was had him sit in a Therapy Session and old him everything there and was it a Vault load of Trauma, he wasn't surprised just based on some of my behaviors, personality, reactions to things and he is so loving and Supportive. He was already doing the right things to be sure not to trigger PTSD with me and continues. Like he is the first man that ever suggested reverse missionary not just for my Sexual Pleasure but hecknows Rape Victims and Child Sex Abuse Victims are heavily triggered with regular missionary. I always thought that was interesting finalky a man who understands Sex for Women, it wasn't that, he understood Trauma. He is also the First Man I DO NOT see My Abusers Eyes or Hear his Voice during Sex because I'm not Triggered.

Anyhow, if a Person can't tell the One Person they Say is Their Partner their own life story then they are just having a Casual Relationship.

[Account2]

Well here's the thing. Although you shouldn't expect your partner to know how to deal with or respond to something like that, you need to be able to trust them enough to tell them about it. Unfortunately that is a part of your history, and especially if you are currently in therapy for it it still effects you somewhat. It probably always will. To keep something that had that much of an impact on you a secret from your partner-- especially when you are going to marry them-- cannot help in the long haul. My advice is don't wait until you're married. Only wait until you trust them. Even if they react ridiculously, if you're not married you can just walk away. And hopefully if they can earn your trust they can keep it.

To answer your question, yes I have talked about it with my wife, but I waited until I really couldn't hide it any longer and she had really already figured out the basics. It definitely still effected me a lot, and I had never dealt with it or went to therapy or anything, so to be honest if she didn't have a similar experience (that she HAD already told me about) I doubt she would have reacted as understandingly as she did. The worst part was how she had to find out and the confusion she had that I had still been lying to her about it even though she'd told hers to me years ago. Because she had gone to therapy for that actually she was able to help me start that process. But we do have some pretty strict "rules" for talking about stuff like that outside of the professional's office. That's not something I think is always necessary but it helped a bit for us.

Good luck.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

I didn't go into detail about it with my last partner, but it did come up because on the 3rd date or so we were on his couch and were flirting back and forth and then he made some sort of innuendo and touched my hip, sorta asking if I wanted to take things further. And I just completely froze up. I couldn't speak or move I just went dead quiet and still. And he noticed in like 1.5 seconds and immediately backed off and asked if I was okay. And after that I think we had like a 30 second conversation and then went back to watching a movie (my choice for the super short conversation btw) Later on in the relationship I think I told him a little more, but not much.
I think I would probably bring it up with a new partner because I still sometimes freeze or just go totally quiet and get really in my head because I'm dissociating/almost dissociating and I need to be with someone who will recognize that quickly and know it means "stop what you were doing right now and talk to me". And I still just have general fear/anxiety when it comes to sex. Honestly I might as well tell them because it would probably be obvious after a while that SOMETHING had happened to me, given how unrelaxed I can be lol

[Anonymous]

I wasn't molested as a child but I was raped as a teen. I just have lighter symptoms now with the occasional bad days, so it's not that important for my own comfort or whatever to explain it.

It depends on wether there's a safe opening or not. For ex if he was some dude who was abused, went to iraq, exc... and we started having a conversation about ptsd and he's like did anything every happen to you, I'd probably mention it.
I don't think he'd dump me or be weird about it in that case.

Or if it was necessary to avoid him thinking I'm weird like if he notices some linked behavior or feels like somethings off and asks me about it a lot and it's a big deal to him, I'd tell him.

But if not, I wouldn't. He could feel weirded out, not believe me, be affected by it, want to dump me, walk on eggshells, exc... it just wouldn't be great.

I don't like it when someone finds out. They either start treating you like a beyond broken person or they stalk you and question you about every move to make sure you're not bullshitting them.
Especially if its someone you love a lot, you don't want to risk things with them unless it's necessary or better.

[Justlooking15]

For what this is worth... I have never experienced it and do not condone but depending upon what and how it happed by who would determine whether I would bring it up. And here is why I say this... I think there are times when something happens and everyone accepts it then there are times when someone else raises the very same issue and it is being presented as a "Let's get on board and now say something that happened many years ago that was a memory that it is what it is being in the past why stir the pot and cause more stress on yourself repeating it, now you know someone else is aware of it and now how will it effect you.

So in a different case but similar if you were married and had an affair (takes two to tangle) it could be a one night stand at a holiday party at work or whatever would you want someone other then the person you had an affair with to know?

What would your children, nieces or nephews or anyone else think after you made your vows and committed to a lifetime together think.

So what I mean is if the molester had done the one time and woke up that's one thing but if you are aware or suspect there is more going on then I would report it flat out.

Like an affair I have and will continue to reject the woman when they hit on me and tell them I an honored however I am married and I would rather you thank me later on for stopping you rom what we almost did.

It is a touchy issue and each and every incident different and I hope that you did not experience this.

[Anonymous]

Something did happen to me in high school, and it was unbelievably heartbreaking and messed up, but not just for me. I don't really want to go into details because I don't like talking about it. But, I did tell my exes once we were getting serious, as it was during a time where I was still processing the emotions and I was still trying to find answers for some issues I had that were affecting the relationships, and this was a possibility, though now I think there are other reasons.

Personally, I never felt comfortable with therapists. They're just random strangers to me and no matter how badly I want to trust them, I can't. But, this has also been something that I don't tell many people in general and prefer not to talk about unless it's absolutely necessary. In my cases with my exes, I felt it needed to be discussed for the health of our relationships.

[btbc92]

Yes. This is a LIFE PARNER your potentionally choosing. People need to know what their getting into before they get trapped and then want out because they can't handle it. If somebody had a problem, I want to know. I have been abused before. Why wouldn't I want somebody I say I want to love know? Hiding important information will haunt you one day and somebody will tell them anyway. Better from your own mouth the somebody else.

[ImSparkly]

Your completely right, your partner is not your therapist. But it can help your partner understand why something is not pleasurable or why emotions may sometimes get in the way of things. There is a time and place for that talk though, a couple of weeks in at the earliest.

(I was raped as an early teen)

[Lightning8]

I don't know. IME I generally wouldn't recommend being vulnerable like that with a girl if you're a guy in a hetero relationship. It seems far too often to be correlated with the relative time that the relationship dies, to the point that it seems causative. Though if a girl does it, my guess is it probably presents the opportunity to strengthen the bond, with the expectation of being fulfilled getting met.

I think vulnerability like that would be a step towards, if not a sign of a real relationship. So while in reality I don't recommend men talk about that, but ideally I would like them to be able to. And of course I think women should.

[jss123]

In my experience they've told me really early which is very surprising. Within a few days of us starting to date. Happened to me 2 times in a row..
I was shocked as I had no idea it was so common. The problem is it dramatically affects them in relationships. Their ultimate boundary has been crossed and they have no boundaries of their own.. My ex was molested and had been raped later as well and she couldn't handle being even hugged but refused to go for therapy. Its very difficult to have a relationship with someone if they've not healed and dealt with it. We're not therapists.

[jss123]

In the end my ex insisted I sleep in another room. I literally couldn't touch her in bed. If she came near me I had to get out of bed. I accidentally touched her when she and I moved at the same time and she went absolutely crazy, started crying I was trying to rape her and went to lie on a couch. As I said untreated molested people can be unstable. My therapist told me he was glad the relationship ended as I was being affected badly by it.

[Behappy85]

I isolated myself for years after with fear what men would think of me as being damaged in there eyes so l couldn't cope with being with someone for obvious and other reasons. But l met someone who l really liked and l knew that if things were to go forward l had to talk with them because l didn't know how l would cope in a close intermate situation l was scared would panic in that moment and l didn't want him to think he had done something wrong. So l talked to him and allowed him the chance to run and not have anything to do with me. But he was surprised at what l said took it in but it didn't affect us, and l didn't freak out as l trusted him from talking to him so for me it was the right thing to do for me.

[byowell]

I feel like I definitely wouldn't wanna be with someone if I felt like I couldn't tell them something like that, I love and trust my partner with my whole soul and all my damage, if I felt they would use something like that against me or look down on me for it, it's definitely not the type of person I'm looking for.

[Dulaney10]

Personally I think what’s happened in the past should stay in the past... your SO may be head over heels for you but I feel it seems like it can be used against you... and you won’t even realize that they are sometimes... it would be great if they could know that about you and never talk about it again but that is very unlikely... but I’m one that likes to get up and move on not dwell on things... things happen it sucks but I hate being a victim so to me the least amount of people that know things the better

[BeMuse]

It’s up to you, but it’s something you’re going to carry for life and it’s probably changed you in some way shape or form. It sounds like something that would be hard to talk about, but you should probably confide in her eventually. I can’t personally relate so I don’t know when that would really be appropriate, but in my personal opinion it probably should out at some point.

[Martinasita]

It is vital that you do if you care anything about this person. I am also a survivor and I didn’t think that I should but I was horrified to find that there are so many things that I don’t even realize I do, that have hurt him, because of triggers from that assault. If I could rewind I would have told him. It is what is destroying our marriage.

[vjones819]

I was watching a show yesterday, and one of the characters was talking about how their father killed himself, and he had never told his wife (the character) that his father did that, and the toll it had on him. He said he felt it was easier for her to know what was going on with him emotionally. My point is.. if it was bothering the person who went through it, it would be best to talk about it! :-) but each one to their own!

[Drumlin2001]

Therapists will help you work through and process things. Personally i would say you should share thjngs, so your other half understands why you would react to situations in certain ways. You dont need to go through every little detail. Just enough for context

[Drumlin2001]

If a partner mocks or tries to use the info against you in any way then you should end relationship, they aren't worth your time

[DorkVader]

If I were seeing someone long term or seriously, it's something that needs to be discussed. I wouldn't fear manipulation or ridicule if that isn't in that person's nature, and it can help someone you care about understand your psyche better.