For you, does a long term relationship mean commitment to monogamy?

[OlderAndWiser]

I think I know the answer to this question, but sometimes, younger users insistently tell me that “people have changed and dating has changed.” I don’t think the desire for an exclusive relationship is going to change just because you have a smart phone and a huge flat screen TV. But. . . I’m willing to consider the possibility that I am wrong, so. . . how do you feel about monogamy and a long term relationship? Does a long term relationship mean commitment to monogamy?

Yes. A long term relationship is based on monogamy!

Not necessarily, if both partners agree to having a threesome, swapping, or an open relationship.

No, I can love someone without possessing them sexually.

Other answer/explanation. (Please leave a comment.)

[coachTanthony]

A long term relationship for me does not mean a commitment to monogamy. I have had several relationships that were long term but not monogamous. I traveled 99% of my adult life and mostly dated flight attendants and others who were in my same spot.

Could they of been monogamous... sure but in reality they just were not. We were happy when we got to see each other and that was okay with us. Doesn't mean we couldn't see other people.

So my answer would be no.

[OlderAndWiser]

Makes perfect sense in those circumstances.

[Adam_INTJ]

Any romantic relationship means monogamy. You're not in a romantic relationship if you're not monogamous.

[cipher42]

I can assure you my relationship is very romantic, despite the distinct lack of monogamy

[Adam_INTJ]

That's a cute delusion

[cipher42]

And what exactly makes you think you know that my experience is a delusion? Can you explain how non-monogamy prevents romantic-ness?

[Cynicaldreamer]

Absolutely! If I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm only dating THAT person. And I expect the same from said partner.
I don't share well with others, and that includes the men I'm with, lol

All these people in poly and open relationships? No. That's not a real relationship.

[shane85]

Hi thanks, you got your point... you seem to be passionate and possessive... strong character... but your expectations may not change the person.. And no two person are alike..

[Cynicaldreamer]

@shane85 Which is fine! If a guy wants to be in an open relationship or date others, that's his choice! I won't try to change him and his lifestyle-

I just won't date him! I'll leave him be, as long as he doesn't try to screw with my heart and emotions.

[cipher42]

Lol just cause you can't handle a poly relationship doesn't mean it ain't real.

[shane85]

Thanks Cyni... U r tough... i can see... Feel sorry for your man... Ooops

[somonenice]

Absolutely right... I can't understand how come i love someone but its ok to sleep with another , They just can't admit that they only looking for more sex.

[cipher42]

@somonenice For one thing, it's possible to love more than one person. For another, it's also possible to love one person and to have sex with a different person. I just really don't get what's so hard to understand about that

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Ok to me for myself, a relationship and monogamy are one and the same. To each their own. I don't disapprove of others who have open relationships as much as it's I don't understand. Isn't the point of being in a relationship to be with that one person that completely gets you and fulfills you? So, no I'm personally not going to date people that are going on dates with others at the same time much less be in a relationship of any kind with someone that's going to have sex with anyone else. I'll share money if have it to spare. I'll share food. I won't share my man nor would I share what's his with any other man.

[sejla]

Yes it is the only thing I feel comfortable with. If someone I'm with wants to leave or be with someone else just tell me and we'll end it. We don't have to be tied for life but for the moment yes.

[nightdrot]

Voted "Not Necessarily," but that is not exactly the right answer. In fact, the answer sort of changed as my gfd's relationship with me developed.

We have been together for 14 years, living together for 12 and have three children. We are not married because, to our own surprise, the idea of getting married did not appeal to us.

We love what we share. It is natural and beautiful, and we felt that an expensive ring, an elaborate ceremony and a permission slip from the state needlessly complicated that. It just turned us off even though, in many ways, we are otherwise quite traditional.

However, when we started together I had come off a bad relationship - girl I had been dating aborted our baby without telling me. I was hurt and my mood would swing wildly. So when I got involved with my girlfriend I was not sure what I wanted.

So in what we call now our "Wild and Crazy Days" we were pretty easy going about sex. I had sex with other women, we did threesomes and - VERY long story - I had a gay relationship (and it was her idea!) I was having sex with a friend of my gfd's even while she and I were having sex - and there were even a couple of pregnancy scares. (My girlfriend too had sex with other men, but nothing like I was doing.)

It was pretty much out of control. My attitude was it helped me think that I was not fully committed to anyone. My girlfriend, who works in family law and policy and sees a lot of research, thought it was perfectly natural and healthy for a human male to want to have sex with as many women as he can. Even if not ideal.

Then, I am not sure why or exactly at what point, but I realized that I loved my girlfriend. I was enjoying the free sex. Great for any guy, I guess, but I wanted her and the sex I had with my girlfriend was the sex I enjoyed the most, that felt the best and that made me happy.

Long story short, and I say this in all sincerity, we lived happily ever after. My girlfriend and the three little gifts she has given me are the center of my universe. I would not mind sex with other women, and my girlfriend and I once, years ago, agreed that if I ever got a woman pregnant, or if she ever got pregnant by another guy, that we would treat the child as our own - a part of us.

It was kind of a silly promise. I only want her and she has said that she never wanted anyone but me - sappy as that sounds. So, long answer to short question, a long term relationship need not start with monogamy - but you will always want it to end there.

[JeffStryker]

Let's see... the divorce rate in America is about 50%. The two main reasons for divorce are money & sex. Monogamous marriages often result in cheating. I'm not sure how flat screens fit into this picture, but who knows...

Yes, times are changing. It's not from smartphones, it's because the human species is evolving. Women aren't as dependent on men for money, and welfare allows single mothers to have as many kids as they want.

Also, women are no longer the devils they used to be, back when they had to wear the "scarlet letter" on their chest. The slut/stud thing is beginning to even itself out, so that social stigma isn't as prominent as it used to be.

Granted, hookup apps have made hookups much easier, but I think the desire to hookup hasn't changed much. The number one best selling book genre of all time, is romance novels. That's porn for women. That Fabio dude riding the stallion on the cover, sure wasn't the husband of anyone in the story. But romance novels didn't make women go out and cheat, it just made them dream about cheating.

I think now, younger people are questioning the fairy tale marriages, and wondering if they even want that. Couples are getting divorced right and left, so it can't be all that much of a fairy tale.

But to answer your question... I don't want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship. But that doesn't mean it's going to be a free-for-all open relationship, either. It will involve inviting others to join us for fun times in the bedroom. It will be well structured and full of rules.

[BlessedDaddy]

Having been through 5 decades of sex with 4 of them fucking, I can tell you this:

Nothing had changed except that young people blame everything, and I mean everything and everyone for their actions and their lives. When people bitch and complain more, it seems like there are all these new problems. That's when cell phones and the internet do make a difference. Everyone has to hear it now.

The more things change. The more they stay the same.

Hookup culture?

It's called fucking and trust me, we were doing it too. Your fucking egos are out of control man. Sorry boys, no one is out to get you and ruin your lives and dating. Except for you.

[OlderAndWiser]

Amen, brother!

[Daniela1982]

I think a lasting relationship will be with monogamy. You won't have the possibility of someone else stealing your S/O away when they sleep around. It is not that dating has changed, it is because people are beginning to expect a relationship to be all about sex, and that is why they won't last. You get tired of or unable to have sex and your relationship is history. If it is based on love with a single person you have a much better chance of it lasting til' death do you part. 100 different lovers may make you better in bed but it will never make you a better person.

[AlienParasite]

Voted B, though I'm very monogamous. The thing is as a standard most people want a monogamous relationship (me included). So when we talk about relationships we normally consider they are going to be monogamous. However majority wanting monogamous relationships doesn't mean there aren't some long lasting relationships of switchers, open relationships or poly people.

I know it's harder for a non monogamous relationship to last but not impossible. Also a monogamous relationship can fail as much as any non monogamous one. At the end of the day a long lasting relationship isn't necessarily based in commitment to monogamy, but commitment to a shared values, a common life project and a same way to feel and understand the relationship.

[Daniela1982]

If a relationship is based on love, it will stand the test of time more than any one based on sex, which non monogamous ones are primarily based on.

[PrimalInstinct]

To me, a long term relationship can only be monogamous. It's nothing about being possessive it's about having respect.

A lot of pro-polygamy websites talk about dealing with jealousy. It's the biggest pill to swallow. Well duh. When your partner is shopping around the neighborhood & you're competing against the sexual prowess of others, of course, you're gonna be jealous. The fact is, a few ex-polygamous people on blogs more or less called their 'relationships' a (stressful, even demeaning) game of one-upmanship.

Funny thing is, in a caring monogamous relationship with respect jealousy shouldn't really exist.

[Justacatlady]

I think a relationship is whatever the people involved want it to be. If there is clear communication about what is acceptable and what isn’t, then that is good. Everyone lives their life in the way the fits them best so their relationship should be the same

[OlderAndWiser]

Understand all of that. The question is: "FOR YOU, does a long term relationship mean commitment to monogamy?"

[Justacatlady]

For me, it means I’m open to what I said above as long as it’s clearly communicated. I don’t have to monogamous but I do like it. I don’t have to have a partner that is either. If that person steps outside our relationship without talking to me first, then we have a problem.

[quizz]

As long as the boundaries are defined clearly I would be able to be happy in an open relationship. Sex is important, but its having someone to make your day suck less, having someone to make you feel needed, someone to hold when your cold or sad or scared. Someone to go through every day with you, and still want to.
These things are what fill a heart, the rest can be figured out.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Someone to go through every day with you," If your partner has another guy she is screwing, then she won't be with you tonight because she is at his apartment getting laid. She won't be there every day or every night.

[Oram52]

Does a relationship have to be a monogamous by default, not really. People are free to choose whatever type of relationships they desire, any for of non-monogamy or monogamy. I have nothing against it at all, and LTR aren't monogamous by default.

However for me personally I'm only interested in monogamous relationship, and such relationships are only thing I've pursued. I've no problem with non-monogamy but it doesn't mean I have any interest.

[Oram52]

Also if I remember correctly about 51% of people said they'd be willing to try open relationships, likely will ebb higher in younger demographic.

[OlderAndWiser]

Previous generations have been somewhat more receptive when they were younger but became more monogamous when they got older. Your generation depends on CNN, Time, Cosmo, and MSNBC to tell them what to think. Of course, organizations that have a liberal bias want young people to abandon anything that is traditional.

[OlderAndWiser]

Also, what people say they would do, and that they actually do. . . that's two different things. How many guys say they would like to have a threesome vs. how many actually do it?

[Oram52]

It'll be overly simplistic to say that somehow conspiracy theory about liberal media bias is poisoning young minds, its saying young people are incapable of thinking by themselves. Also such media should've had disproportionate influence yet we see no such evidence, even if clearly media is marred by propaganda, hence trust in media at all time low. Also young people get their news from social media.

Swinging or non-monogamy is nothing new, in the past people simply had to hide it due to societal repercussions. You were ostracized so people hid it, research goes back decades. Evidence does show non-monogamy is more prevalent in younger generation due to societal acceptance.

Traditions have no inherent value, they're abstract, product of our environment. Traditions are losing influence even in traditional cultures in Latin America, East Europe, Middle East, Subcontinent etc. With rapid progress and change there is no way to save guard traditions people have no interest in. Traditions need collectivism, traditions need to be imposed.

With triumph of Enlightenment Values and individualism, people desire individual liberty. Do what they desire to do without religion or culture shackling them, in such case its impossible to safeguard traditions. Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness.

[Joe_Barbaro]

Of course it does. And anybody telling you people and dating have changed is full of shit.

Facts speak for themselves, and they are saying that human race is actually moving TOWARDS monogamy as we evolve. It's not natural for us (considering our primate roots are quite promiscuous in nature) but first we adopted it due to our consciousness and intelligence, but now we are actually being "rewritten" and it's slowly becoming the default setting for us. Promiscuity, many partners etc. are for the less involved, less intelligent species (and individuals).

Even statistics prove that promiscuous people are inferior in practically every area of life, and are much more likely to be in dysfunctional relationships/marriages, to end up as victims of depression and suicide etc.

[ShortCircuit]

Yes, I am a firm believer in monogamy. I ultimately don't care what other couples do, but third party sex of any kind is not conducive to a healthy relationship, and if a couple decides to have a threesome, let alone go "open", I reserve the right to say "I told you so", when it inevitably destroys their relationship.

[DiscomfortZone]

There is no such thing as a "long distance relationship". A relationship based on texts and webcams, without presence, without contact, without really knowing more than 10% of a person - is NOT a relationship. I have no idea what it is about this generation that encourages such desperate self-deception, but if they're gonna be that stupid the least they could do is feign a little dignity and refrain from whining about it afterwards...

[OlderAndWiser]

Okay, but the question is about a long term relationship, not about a long distance relationship.

[DiscomfortZone]

Humph. Well, colour me embarrassed :)

[EmbraceThePain]

It has to be based on monogamy due to stability and practicality. There’s a good argument for the expedient nature of monogamy, which made it phase out all of the mating methods over time.

So, yes, long term relationship definitely only means monogamy.

[kaylaS91]

For me, I would only consider getting into a long term relationship with someone who’s down with being monogamous.

I get the appeal of being open and all but I’d only feel comfortable dating someone who I could see myself remaining committed to in the long run. I’d consider my having scratched that whole ‘openness’ itch when I was clubbing and all in my early 20s.

[Mickey9999]

Absolutely a long term relationship would mean commitment to monogamy regardless if it involves marriage or not. To me a relationship is based on all levels of intimacy not just sexual so if I’m going to trust you with my innermost aspirations, fears, and thoughts, you better believe I expect the same with our sexual intimacy. I realize that there are aspects of physical sex that some seek out to fulfill and that should be all based on a safe method of compromise. Not a what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her way of it.

[Sensmind]

I hope you are right and monogamy stays around for a long time. All these new fangled sexualities , I have no doubt that some truly exist but most of these young people are hopping on the bandwagon and 90% of them will be driving their kids to XYZ practice every Saturday morning come their late 30s

[Definitely]

Not necessarily. But if it's not monogamy you'll have to split your attention to more than one person. If you lack in time, that is an issue.
Of course, I'm talking here when all the people involved have agreed to it, as per the relation's definition.