Would you be okay if your partner stayed friends with their ex?

[Anonymous]

I tend to overthink shit and then do some stupid shit after. I dont want to do it again. I just need someone to tell me this is nothing to be worried about.

A week ago my boyfriend followed his ex on instagram, then days after his ex added him on facebook. As the petty, pathetic pc of shit that I am, I got hurt by this and he probably noticed something was bothering me so he asked if im okay. I told him everything, (by everything- I said I got obsessive and got worried that "what if they're private messaging each other? what if his ex wants him back and he chooses her?" and other shit). He explained, he said it means nothing and that he loves me. He said there's no reason to doubt our relationship. I felt better and basically tried to forget it and I did.

I told him I didn't want to tell him what he can and cannot do. So nothing changed, they're still reconnected on social media. I let it go. Just minutes ago I saw him posting on some group page. Its basically a page for fun and the intent was mostly for single people to meet and flirt. My cousin (who's friends with my bf) is also in a relationship and was also included in this group page, so I chose to ignore that my boyfriend was in it too.

Basically my boyfriend posted something on the group and on the comments section I saw his ex's name in it. Its safe to say im overthinking everything again. Why can't he stay away from her? willingly. I dont want to tell him "block ur ex" and shit because I want him to make that decision himself. He obviously doesn't want to. I don't know im doing this "creating problems that aren't really there" shit again.

Somebody just tell me im being pathetic and petty and that there's nothing to be worried about. (they go to the same school lol and we dont).

This was very hard for me but I told my boyfriend how insecure I am about our relationship, I thought it would mean he'd think about how I feel on petty shit. I know being insecure is MY problem though dont worry.

Updates

+1 y

can someone like maybe give advice on what I wrote below the question pls

[standingUP]

Ok well you want to be told what your boyfriend wants you to be told without your boyfriend knowing we are all talking about it, lol...
I would be concerned too and your insecurities are warranted here.
Social media needs like FB, Instacrap, chat BS is an addiction for seeking unwarranted attention.
When it comes to still being involved with exes there is that connection ready to swoop in at the slightest sign of trouble. For him attention from the past is giving him a boost and or security pillow that a fall from you won't be too far from lonely the second it goes awry.
It is impossible for you be receiving his full heart and attention when a serial media seeker is connected elsewhere.
Everything happens for a reason in God's world including your deep concern.

[neonX]

Just talk to the ex and tell her that you are feeling insecure and request her to made any contacts on your boyfriend. If it goes well then it's OK otherwise prepare for uncertainty.

[katjmj]

Oh no.. Talking to your partner's ex is almost never a good idea

[neonX]

There is one thing I can suggest that is to set the limits if the limits are broken then you have to take serious action and that you have to decide for yourself. To sum up decide a tolerance level for yourself.

[katjmj]

In general I wouldn't. If she really doesn't matter to him then he wouldn't mind losing contact altogether if that would reassure you. She's an ex for a reason. I wouldn't allow it to affect my relationship in any way. If he can't stay away, then why not just go back to her.

[xxN2Oxx]

If the girl was the one who brokeup then there is something to be concerned. Because it is possible this guy having feelings for her.

[katjmj]

Oof then that's just a red flag. They shouldn't be pursuing this relationship if he's still hung up on her

[xxN2Oxx]

Yes, they should talk this out and make some rules.

Relationships are such headache... always have to live in fear. Wish we could turn off our feelings, so we don't have to worry about having a life long pain.

[xxN2Oxx]

Is there a way to stop having emotional attachment?

[katjmj]

Well it doesn't sound much like a relationship if it revolves around fear 🙈

[xxN2Oxx]

Yes, always had toxic ones and every one of them proved I was right about them. Stupid me always believed them even I was so afraid of them.

[katjmj]

I'm sorry you had to experience that. I hope you encounter someone different next time. There will be

[xxN2Oxx]

They deceive me by being innocent, and eventually show their true selves, they play with me nearly a year. Please can you tell me a way to know if someone is truly innocent without taking months to know it?

[katjmj]

It is kinda difficult to tell because people are dynamic creatures, ever changing. Even the most sincere person rn may have a change of heart anytime and we can't do anything about it.

Unless you mean users or gold diggers then that's another story

[xxN2Oxx]

last two people claimed it is fact they were honest. But wore worse kind of liars.

People who be with someone with the intention of hurting them and having fun, I don't know why they try so hard to prove they are honest and innocent. They would never give up on their mission. I wish real relationships had that kind of commitment. These catfishes would never stop until their victim commit suicide or similar.

[katjmj]

People like those would never stop until they meet their match or get a taste of their own medicine. Or sometimes they've been hurt too which is why they change

[xxN2Oxx]

I don't think they are doing it because they were hurt before. If they knew the pain they would never intentionally give it to another. I think it is their lack of ability to empathize, they might be thinking others won't mind they doing it and it won't hurt them and they will forget it.

[katjmj]

You may be right. We can't help but encounter people like that. But we could control how we respond

[xxN2Oxx]

Can I talk to you?

[katjmj]

Sure ig

[xxN2Oxx]

Thank you. I am at level 1

[Mia-Wallace]

No.
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[Mia-Wallace]

Update:

No, you're not creating problems that don't exist. Staying in contact with an ex is always quite risky. It's not going to cause a serious problem 100% of the time, but it's likely to. You're right to think about it.

Let's put it this way: Who's an ex? Someone you had a relationship with. Probably told him/her you loved him as his fingers ran through your hair and on your nipples and butt. Maybe you had sex with him or her too, which if you did, makes things more complicated.

Now you broke up and have a new relationship. You're telling someone else you love her, but then you want to keep the girl or guy who you fucked before, around.

Is your partner wrong to get insecure? Absolutely not. Because many ex partners who stay "friends" keep having sex for years. Some of them them go back together after 5 years. Is your partner paranoid if he or she assumes you're keeping your ex around as a backup? No. It's simply likely because of how common it is.

Either way, even if you really are just friends with your ex, you're creating unnecessary drama in your new relationship. And it's you, not your partner. You're being inconsiderate and by being that way, you're making your partner worried, and that's simply not what you do in a new relationship.

A new relationship always deserves maximum security from everything that was between you and your previous partner (s). They should never, under any circumstances, be mixed.

[dthomas89]

my parents have been married 35+, neither of them are friends with their ex's

[sinnrik]

No i wouldn't be. As i never was.

[outside_Toronto]

No... not ok.

[dudeinohio]

No it would not be.

[Emilyy01]

No way

[Boyisjoy]

Nope!