My therapist said something about my boyfriend that has me scared now?

[Anonymous]

So I go to my family therapist who has helped me and my family, including my bf’s family through a lot. We’ve known him for years now and my boyfriend of 4 years and I went to one of our appointments together, even though we have individual sessions more often. We came to the conclusión because my boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch lately that I have a very egotistical behaviour that is putting a strain in the relationship. I don’t deny it, but its what my therapist said next that made me scared as can be. He said that eventually my boyfriend *would hit me* (he never has by the way) and not because he’s aggressive but because any man would. “Your behaviour spikes aggression in anyone” he said. I was immediately terrified, bc I have an irrational fear of being abused, even though I never have. My boyfriend is not at all abusive or aggressive. My boyfriend instantly started tearing up as my therapist said that he’s sure he would never do it because he knows how his mind works, and that he would dump me before ever hurting me. My therapist knew I was probably hurting at his hypothetical example so he said, forget about your boyfriend. Anyone, John Doe would do it. He gave a random name so I would disregard my boyfriend with the situation, but it was too late. My mind was holding on to that one sentence he said even though he told me to look at my boyfriend’s crying face saying that he wouldn’t do it. Wtf. I don’t even know what to think, say, do... Should I be worried now? Should I let this go as it was a hypothetical example that just sounded wrong? After we left my boyfriend dropped me off at home & told me to call him if I need anything and asked me if I’ll be fine. I just nodded and left, not even saying a word. I’m scared now, I know my boyfriend would never touch me or hurt me intentionally but that comment... He didn’t mean specifically my boyfriend but anyone! But I can’t get the thought of my boyfriend hitting me out of my head now! Help :(

[CallMeDave]

My first thought was that what the therapist said seems unusual for a therapist and maybe unprofessional, but after reading the whole thing, I'm wondering whether the therapist felt that he had to say something shocking like that to get your attention. From what you described about that session, it sounds like the therapist believes that you have been exhibiting very toxic behavior that is very destructive to your relationship and that he thinks would be very annoying to anyone.

It doesn't sound like you have any reason to fear your boyfriend, but you do have reason to fear yourself. It sounds like if you don't correct whatever it is that you do that the therapist is referring to, you'll eventually find yourself alone and then might get into a relationship with someone that doesn't have as much self-control as your current boyfriend that would hit you.

Even good guys who love their partner will eventually leave if they are subjected to toxic words or actions for long enough.

Hopefully you will take this as a wake-up call that you need to make some changes if you want to keep your relationship and have a happy life. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is going to hurt you, but you can hurt your own future by continuing to act like you have been. Change isn't easy, but it sounds like it's really necessary in this case. If you care about your boyfriend or about yourself, I hope you will take this seriously. Don't think about what your boyfriend might do because that doesn't sound like anything to worry about. Instead spend your time focusing on why you act like you do and how you can change that because that sounds like what you need to worry about right now.

[coldmarch]

I think the therapist used a wrong word but probably (I try to be in his mind) he didn't want to make you see your boyfriend as a violent person, but he wanted to put a lot of emphasis on how seriously toxic was your behaviour with him. So toxic to possibly drive someone exasperated and mad, to say an extreme case. Maybe because he seen that you aren't taking things seriously and you aren't working on that, on yourself, so he made it more dramatic to seriously convince you that your behaviour is extremely difficult to manage for him.
I think this is the message you should get: your behaviour is extremely toxic and you aren't taking it seriously, and that's it. And not that you have to be scared of your boyfriend from now!
Also, there is something I would take as an indicator: your boyfriend suddenly cried, when listening to those words. I think that a more common reaction would be to feel kind of offended, and so going more rigid, against the therapist, rejecting his words. Instead, he cried... I think it could mean something: the therapist has made your boyfriend feel understood and justified in the exasperation he has with you, so he let himself go in tears. I suspect your boyfriend holds a lot of stress about the situation and that you are overlooking how serious it is. Why else crying for something that is not even true? Why not just rejecting? That's why I see something more in those tears. Surely not a will to hit you, but more like the need to feel understood in what he is living. Something that you could provide if you work more on yourself and try to understand how much effort he is putting in managing the situation, and how heavy it is -really- for him.

Then yeah we can surely say the therapist used wrong words, but the message he wanted to pass is probably valid and it has nothing to do with your boyfriend becoming violent, because he won't and you all 3 know that.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. You’ve helpers a person today. I’m greatful.

[dreamstar72]

@asker listen to what coldmarch wrote very thought out answer

[herthaxx]

Well one thing you should do is talk to your boyfriend about it because this seems very serious. Then you slap your The rapist because that was unprofessional 😁

[Hogwheels]

Wow, that's extreme. I think everyone has a snapping point, but most people know how to avoid their snapping point. He might eventually leave you before he snaps. I don't think it was right of your therapist to assume your boyfriend would ever become violent with you before finding other alternatives. Unfortunately, one such alternative might. be terminating the relationship.

I think its really big of you to admit that you've become egoistical in your relationship. A lot of people can't take that step. But, it's easy to get stuck there. I encourage you to take steps to find out where that egotism comes from. I wish you luck. Hope everything works out.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Therapists aren't worth a thing.
I went to two of them and they both labelled me with non-existent disorders.

[chHaynes]

Your therapist is a dumbass and you can tell him that I told you that not all men hit women and if your therapist is worried about that kind of thing I would tell him your boyfriend have him start taking some turmeric it works to calm me down when I feel frustrated so it works for me why not try for him all he has to do is just take two Presley the time is about 4 cuz when I start feeling it take notice frustrated or aggravated around 4 it's usually when his blood sugar starts dropping

[YHL6965]

I think you might be looking at this from the wrong perspective : I think your therapist might have meant an "animal/wild human" would be tempted to hit you in response to your behavior but, fortunately, we are civilized beings so we don't do it. I think he meant that your behaviors trigger aggression in others and that it needs to be adjusted.

[Levin]

That's not a therapist.

That's a quack.

No therapist should ever be saying anything like that.

People need to have more faith in themselves and stop putting their faiths in these idiotic authorities. A sign of the times indeed.

[Anonymous]

First your therapist was unprofessional to say that but I'm pretty sure that since he probably already knew about your fear of a abusive relationship he was using it as more of a extremely example to really drill into you the extent and damage your actions are having on your boyfriend and that if you don't change your behavior some drastic (probably a break up) will happen.

[Avicenna]

That was awful behavior from your therapist. Time to find a new one.

[Asker]

What about my boyfriend?

[Avicenna]

No, your boyfriend is fine

[Iron_Man]

So what are you gonna do give up on your boyfriend because one man makes a comment he’s going to hit you

[bamesjond0069]

Just have him hit you and get it over with already. Nothing will shock you out of your nonsense behavior faster than a hard pimp hand to the face.

[Torari]

Therapist was juts trying to drive his point across that you need to seriously reconsider your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Stop the behaviour that your therapist says spikes aggression in john doe