How would you feel if your boyfriend told you, you needed to start dressing sexier?

[Puppystarfish23]

When I first met my boyfriend I was always dressing up really nice not just for him that just how I used to dress. I was very girly and always wore dresses and heels. After time he told me I don't always need to dress up and that he likes it more when I'm dressed more casual around him at first I thought the idea of sweat pants was horrible but I came to love them.

Now I don't really wear much makeup and dress pretty basic as I don't really have the time or energy to get all dressed up.

I also wear big underwear and like to be comfortable and now my boyfriend is trying to get me the buy sexy lingerie and telling me he doesn't want to see anymore granny pants. Like excuse me does that mean I pick what he wears now.

Then on the weekend we went out for dinner. It wasn't that posh of a restaurant so I just but on a casual dress and my boyfriend asked me why I was dressed yet and he had a smart shirt on and everything. He kept joking but I'd made no effort compared to him in how I'm dressed.

He tells me in pretty and but he doesn't care what I wear and then he's telling me I need to dress more sexy and make more effort.

Updates

+1 y

I feel like a lot of this had been extremely blown out of proportion. I don't dress like a fucking hobo and we went for dinner at the Harvester bearly the Riz is it. I do make a effort but I've toned it down abit and yes I've gained weight but not too a extreme and my boyfriend tells me off when I call myself fat or ugly.
I wore a dungaree dress and white polo top early see that as dressing like a tramp not like I was going to the Oscars.

Updates

+1 y

Plus my boyfriend is not a bad person at all we just have are differences like any relationship. If I got mad and dumped him everytime I didn't like something he said like some people are suggesting Id be a hypocrite, I'm sure I've probably said things he didn't agree with before either in the past too. no wonder people are single when there that sensitive but they'd dump someone for saying you need to dress sexier.

[SnowyOwl]

Besides the fact that you are free to live by your own rules, im just curious about a few things cuz I wanna understand better.
You say: "Now I don't really wear much makeup and dress pretty basic as I don't really have the time or energy to get all dressed up." Why did you change?

If appearance is all he cares for, then its a red flag. But You need to reflect on why you changed, and determine whether its permanent or not. DEtermine whether you are maybe depressed about something, or just being careless, or maybe you are perfectly fine just the way you are and you used to just try too hard. Think about it. What feelings are you experiencing lately? Anything that bothers you? If you actually stopped making efforts, then there must be a reason.. so just think about it.

Ultimately you should just be your happy confident self. Appearance plays a role on confidence, so as long as you can feel confident with yourself, then there's nothing wrong with you.
And if nothing is wrong with you, then you need to talk to your boyfriend and ask him what his feelings are exactly to see how you can find some common ground.

[Puppystarfish23]

a lot of it does have to do with depression. Maybe that's why because he knows when I dress up I'm more confident and happy. Ever since I lost my job and started working in a toxic work place I've not really been the same up beat person and he says that himself

[SnowyOwl]

Aw girl, that is totally understandable.. it sounds like a tough situation :( sorry you're going through this...
Honestly you shouldn't feel guilty for any of it. Life gets tough and its hard to manage everything. Its totally normal that you're not feeling well, and that makes it harder for you to do certain things.. I know, I've been there.
And you should know that the depression is reinforced when you compare yourself with the ideal version of yourself.. And hey, its ok if right now you are not your ideal self, you're dealing with some heavy things!
Your boyfriend should not put more pressure on you! Its gonna take some time for you to heal, so he should support you through this. I would tell him that. At the smae time, you can try to see a therapist to give you exercises. If not, try journaling about your feelings and thoughts.
Notice how many bad thoughts you have each day, and try to contradict those bad thoughts.
If you can fight the bad thoughts by saying "that's not true", you will get out of the depression over time. Start with that, and dont pay attention to people who dont support you.

If he can't empathize with what you are going through, then its not really good for you to be around him. Try to talk to friends you are comfortable with and express yourself to them. Or like I said, you can try therapy. The more you talk about your thoughts, the more you'll be able to get through the depression. And I hope you can also choose another workplace soon!

But keep this in mind: If something comes at the cost of your mental health, its WAY too expensive!! So dont buy it

[Puppystarfish23]

Thanks for your kinds words, it really means a lot. Ever since covid happened like many others life has just been horrible. I've lost two family members, lost my career and now I'm working at a company with people who are extremely manipulative.

I don't want people thinking my boyfriend is a bad person for what he said. He's been with me through all of this and supported me so much he's just very pushy at times and thinks he knows what's best for me. He genuinely is a really good man it just have are ups and downs like every relationship.

[SnowyOwl]

Yea for sure! Being a couple means having each other's back through highs and lows.
I'm sure you can evaluate whether he is a kind and respectful person to you overall (:
But if he's being pushy and if it's making you anxious, then tell him about it so that he understands that it's a time for him to be patient and understanding and supportive. And tell him that you are doing your best and some things just take time.
If it helps, you can also go to therapy together.

Just take it one step at the time (:
I promise it will get better! You know what they say, once you've reached the bottom, the only way is up. Take care❤️

[Cynicaldreamer]

I'd ask him, "I'm so pretty, why does it matter what I wear? Don't you like me for more than just my appearance?"
Seriously, ask him and see what he says...

I get he wants you to occasionally look nice and show off your figure and style, especially for special occasions. But in the REAL WORLD, let's be real here: not all of us, men or women, feel like dressing up all the time.
I'm the same way: I dress up when I have to, mostly work (which is still scrubs), or for special occasions. Otherwise? I dress for comfort, not to impress anyone, not even a man!

And I get it: he likes seeing you look feminine and sexy; that's fine. But he has to realize you, or no one, dresses that way all the time. You two should meet half way: maybe just on special occasions or date nights, dress up for him.
Otherwise, you can be casual and sexy! If he doesn't see that, that's his problem... that or I'd assume he values you more for your looks than anything else.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

It kinda sounds like the guy equivalent of women who tell their boyfriends "I don't care if you get a bit of a belly, just skip the gym and be lazy with me"; And then when he obliges she loses attraction coz he's overweight and lazy and she's suddenly noticing all these ripped GymBros™ everywhere. And then she resents her boyfriend for having obliged her requests to skip the gym in the first place.

In your case, he clearly *thought* he wanted this "lwo maintenence" girlfriend who just wears sweatpants, no makeup, and stays home all day. But then once ge gets that, he suddenly becomes aware of all these dolled-up women who are dressed to the nines, and now he's thinking "dammit why did my girlfriend listen to me when I said to stop dressing sexy?"

It's a conflict between what people *think* they want, versus how they actually respond when they GET the thing they wrongly thought they wanted.

[ChrisMaster69]

It’s not something I’ve ever really done,

I've also dropped myself in the shit before for not noticing the new lingerie and then saying ‘oh yeah a new bra n knickers’.

this does sound like another guy has been filling his head with how girls should dress.

He’s not been talking to Blue Anon Virgins?

I would be tempted to politely tell him to wind his neck in, however then buy some stuff you look good in and surprise him later on.

the key point being it was your decision not his.

am a right tart with clothes at times, but would never expect a girl to be as fussy.

[ChrisMaster69]

@Puppystarfish23 ref your update, you know the usual response to these question from some GaG people...

[OlderAndWiser]

He is certainly giving you mixed messages but you realize that you are not making an effort about your appearance. And, excuse me, but isn't he entitled to have an opinion about your appearance? If you want, you can tell him that you don't care what opinion he has, but I don't recommend that.

[mrfoox]

Uh, check if he was joking. Because I don't do that unless it's a special occasion, and I would probably only date someone that thinks the same way.
If he was indeed serious I'd try to listen to his reasoning. But I can't really think of any reason why he'd want to control how I dress without him being... Well controlling.
So I'd probably have to explain this to him and how it makes me feel and why I don't want to do that. If he can't get over it, bye 👋

[Apple1996]

If he thinks you look sexy under all those clothes then why should it matter what you wear?

[MzAsh]

If tell him he needs to start buying me sexier clothes. Fair is fair.

[Mia-Wallace]

- He wants you to dress better and look sexier.
- You say you dress "basic" and don't want to dress better or think you are sexy enough.
- He doesn't back down.
- You also don't compromise and instead of sitting down and talking with him, you bring your problem online, perhaps seeking sympathy for your jihad against his demand.
- He (probably) doesn't understand how to make a request.
- You don't understand that it's important to make an effort in a relationship and that sexual and romantic attraction is something that needs to be maintained.

I'm sorry, but judging by this, you both seem to be pretty lazy and stuck up and have no interest in solving your problems with effective, positive and constructive communication. These are not the traits you want in a long term relationship.

[Kaneki05]

Well he's been honest. And it is normal to want a girl to be wearing attractive clothing. Since clothes do add to the attraction by looks aspect.
I don't think it was such a big deal about been honest about it.
Gotta find a healthy balance if one is bothered by something. It sounds like when he said you don't always have to dress up, you started not doing at all or nearly not at all which bothered him cause it was too extreme of not doing it. Were as before it was too extreme of doing it. Find the middle point if you want to.

[David_Kek]

It sounds like you've given up making an effort. I mean no guy like a girl that lives to cake herself in makeup, but no one wants a lazy slob either.
In a relationship, complacency is just another way of saying that you no longer care. If you don't make an effort to please him, then you're merely increasing the chance he'll stop trying to make an effort to please you.
Best case situation, you turn into an unhappy couple that stay together for kids or whatever, ending up resenting each other. Worse case, you'll just cheat and break up.
Your call if you care more what you want vs what you both want.

[mitchello]

When my ex first asked me out she was always dressed up and was for a few months after but when she felt like I was hers she just stopped dressing up around me and would only do it when going out even if it’s just down the street for shopping it made me feel like she was trying to get attention from others and didn’t care how I felt about it and it felt like it was to make me uncomfortable and jealous because all these guys are looking at her but I never said anything about it because I thought she would use it against me by saying I shouldn’t care about her appearance but let’s be honest I’d rather a girl who always wants to look good for me and I’d be happy she did and I always want to look good for my girlfriend, but my relationship with her was a bit wild in terms of on and off for some pretty stupid choices made by her

[AGoodGirl8]

Seriously?

Women bitch when their men go around looking like "pigs" in food-stained shirts and grass-stained joggers and you're wondering why your boyfriend is getting annoyed because you don't respect him enough to dress smartly. And that's what it is. An effort to "dress up" implies you respect yourself, your partner & the relationship to dress a bit more classy than some woman on welfare strolling through Kmart.

[Emii_Urashima]

Unfortunately, many guys out there just look at a girl as just a body. It sounds like he wants you to dress up nice so he can show you off. It is the same reason guys spend so much of their time detailing their car and obessing over every little thing on it. Ask him some questions about you that he should know. I would bet that he will fail that quiz. He is not interested in you as a person.

[__imcharlottee__]

Think of it like this, your body your choice, your clothes your choice, and your boyfriend's opinion your choice.. if you prefer the way you dress now then you can't let anyone tell you otherwise, your life you choice. If it was me I'd personally feel a little bit attacked- and then millions of over thinking thoughts would come into my head "Does he not like the way I dress?" "Why just why?"
If it's your boyfriend why would you need to dress 'sexy' anyway, he can already see you naked (I'm assuming) why would you need to present your probably amazing body any different to the way you like it.
Where not in love with someone for the way they dress, are we now.

[swettannie]

well, some mens love to see us beaing sexy and beautifull. they're happy when we get beautifull for them

[Mark83]

I wonder why he would change his mind like that. Is there something in your relationship that may be bothering him, and he's just projecting it onto something more tangible, like the way you dress? Have you had any issues lately that you couldn't fully resolve?

[dreamstar72]

Telling you to dress up more sexy is ONLY because he has a ego problem, is controlling, wants you as a trophy girlfriend. Sorry but true.
Now if you are ok and like dressing up all the time then there is NO problem.
Remember it should be YOUR choice is how you choose to dress.
Sure you can TRY to please your boyfriend but there’s a limit.

[Mangospacho]

The key words are “he told you that you needed to”. He is just your boyfriend. He doesn’t own you or your body and you could drop him and find a new boyfriend in less than a day. I would be brutally honest with him that he does not get to order you around and dictate what you wear. Next time he needs to rephrase his request in the form of a question and use the word “please” at least once, maybe twice.

[5000pts]

I would probably take it into consideration and do it sometimes. Dressing good makes me feel good though and I would ask him to buy me some new clothes so I can always look good. Now if he can’t help me dress how I want but can talk shit that’s a problem

[RickVienna]

Most women would answer..." lets go shopping... take your creditcard with you it will be not cheap..." 🤣

[Puppystarfish23]

To be fair I did say something along them lines to him sarcastically. 😅

[RickVienna]

What did you say?

[Aakash_Hangargi]

It's not a compulsion right to spice up things you can wear lingerie of your choice.

Not daily but when in mood.

You might have heard dress for the occasion.

At home be only in boxers no problemo.

In dates or romantic things could plan as per occasion like a celebration.

You don't have to do make up everyday also only lipstiv would be fine if planning something out of usual

[ilikefrogsalot]

I don't see why he's complaining, he started this whole "dress more casual thing" himself. Dude honestly sounds like a pain in the ass to date. Never date a guy that doesn't know what he wants and/or contradicts himself.

[MrQuick]

Kinda hard to follow what you were asking. Sort of rambled around. But you should ask him to be clear on what he wants to see and ask yourself if you are willing to do that. Then, work from there. First, you need to establish the "you" that you really are. Are you the Dolly type that had to tone it down, or are you the Casual type that felt the need to sexy it up.

[Jazquee]

Id say... you nees to get a better job... sexy ain't cheap. Lol