What to do about girlfriend's PTSD from her abusive ex?

[ChristianMan21]

So my girlfriend has had two ex boyfriends, and they were not good to her at all. With the second one, she never wanted to have sex with him, but he always would just pester her until she gave in. One day, she made him agree to stop after a certain amount of time. He wanted to tie her up, and she let him. He went far beyond the time they agreed on and he hurt her. Basically, he raped her. She has never liked talking about it, but we had gotten through a lot of the troubles. Today, we were talking and she just said that she suddenly couldn't remember anything about having sex with her ex. She also said that is probably why she's been kind of cross with me lately. She has told me many times that I'm the first person she's felt truly safe and loved with, but I fear that somehow, I'm adding to her problems with this. I'm really worried about her and she says that she probably needs therapy again, but I'm just really stressed because I know how miserable this has been for her in the past. Is there any suggestion you all have? Is there anything I could do to help her through this? I'm hoping that she does go to therapy to try to work through this, but I feel like there's nothing I can do, and I hate that. Any help would be very appreciated...

[Finchie40]

Nothing you can really do , her PTSD is something she has to deal with on her own , so best thing for you to do is just be supportive to her and let her know you are there for her and don’t let the shit she says to you get to you , it’s a chemical imbalance in her brain that is causing these outbursts and episodes so just by you being there for her is all that matters , If it gets to extreme just walk away and let her come to you when she is ready , just remember don’t take anything she says seriously and let it effect you , you will just be adding fire to the flame. I was married to a girl that suffered PTSD , and it isn’t an easy relationship , so be prepared to be a punching bag to her, love her unconditionally , all you can do if you really like this girl. I won’t give you full details on what happened to my ex wife cuz everyone is different , but from doing research on PTSD it has helped me a lot to understand what I was dealing with her before getting defensive toward her. Best of luck

[ChristianMan21]

Thank you for that insight!

[Anonymous]

you are very kind to be taking on such a burden... so long as she truly wants to and is motivated to heal, you have hope.

otherwise you will only be dragged down with her. She chose to continue to date this asshole who always pestered her for sex, she chose to engage in bdsm play with this asshole, why should you suffer?

[ChristianMan21]

Well she means the world to me. Our relationship is healthy and I think that's why it bothered her to realize she's still struggling with trauma from her ex. She mainly stuck around with her ex for as long as she did because she felt like he didn't treat her too badly and she had a really terrible view of herself. She thought she didn't deserve better and could never hope to find better. And after that incident, she refused sex entirely and then broke up with him a bit later. But anyway, she has done an amazing job of moving on in general. However, this is something new that she didn't realize was happening. She literally just realized she couldn't remember anything about sex with him tonight. She tried to remember one thing and then she was like... It's just all gone. I can't remember anything about it at all. I'm just trying to figure out if there's something I can do to help her through all this.

[Anonymous]

I been married 10 years now and before him I was in an abusive relationship. Scared to hear knocks on the door and would always be scared to look outside. I stayed constantly looking over my shoulder and etc. then I dealt with childhood trauma and so much more. Then I dealt with stress from my husband job in law enforcement specifically harassment from his coworkers. He was always undercover in law enforcement so he stayed gone a lot. My ptsd is horrible from among other things. I don’t like putting my problems on others but after we moved and started a new beginning I got counseling. I have ptsd, depression, and anxiety especially social anxiety. I tried counseling before and got betrayed. I finally got help because it was the right time. I couldn’t let my past be a burden on me and I never let what happened to me stop me from achieving my dreams. I just got tired of feeling isolated and alone

[ChristianMan21]

I'm sorry to hear all that. However, a I'm glad things sound like they're working out for the better now! As someone who has struggled in a similar way to her, what do you think are some ways I can be there for her, make it better, or help her through this? She isn't living life scared or anything that extreme, it's just she realized tonight that she couldn't remember anything having to do with sex with her ex. She also has been grouchy with me a bit lately, and she said this might be why.

[Opinion Owner]

I can’t remember anything with my abusive ex either and I’m glad. We trying Christian counseling

[ChristianMan21]

Well she feels like it's a bad thing she can't remember anything from it. She also feels like she's treating me differently because of it. She's probably going to try to do some therapy, but do you think there's anything I can do to help her?

[Opinion Owner]

just be there for her and don’t judge is all

[ChristianMan21]

Yeah, I would definitely do that anyway. I guess I was really just hoping I could actively do something to help her through this.

[msc545]

Try to be understanding about her mood swings, anxiety, depression, and sleep disorder, and recognize that you cannot fix this.

[ChristianMan21]

Well I always try to be understanding. What do you mean that this cannot be fixed? I know enough to know that there are some ways to help this.

[msc545]

You cannot fix this despite what you may think. Time (a LOT of time) may fix it or may not.

[Randalama]

Damaged. Imprinted. Waste of time.

[ChristianMan21]

What on earth are you talking about? Are you saying she's a waste of time because she went through something traumatic?

[Randalama]

Chad has left the mark of the devil upon her brow, Save yourself while there is still time.

[ChristianMan21]

Let me rephrase my initial question... I'm not leaving her because she was treated badly by another guy. I'm simply trying to figure out how to help her now. I am not looking for anyone to insult her like this, so if you have anything more negative comments, kindly don't share them.

[Randalama]

So you're saying this conversation hasn't been helpful? I thought we were building rapport?

[ChristianMan21]

Saying that she's basically "damaged goods" and that she's a waste of time is insulting and not helpful. So no, it has not been helpful. If you have actual advice concerning how to HELP her or be there for her, then please share. Otherwise, this is probably not the question for you.

[Randalama]

Help her, man I'm tryna help you. You need to help yourself.

[ChristianMan21]

Well that's silly because there's no reason to try to "help" me. I'm fine. I love her with all my heart, and like I said, our relationship is very good and strong. It's just this is something that's bothering her and obviously I want to help her and be there for her.

[Randalama]

The anchored of the damned, gonna take you down to the old place christian man.

[ChristianMan21]

Alright, that's enough. I see from your opinions on other questions that you're often crude, not caring, and often immoral. I have no use for your opinion.

[Randalama]

Best advice you ever received. I was just trying to help a brother out.

[ChristianMan21]

Lol, far from it, my dude. I appreciate the sentiment, but that isn't helpful at all. She isn't "damaged goods" or "imprinted" or a "waste of time". Just imagine if you had gone through something traumatic and someone said that about you. That's a terrible thing to label someone as.