How do I get over loosing my virginity to someone older who made me fall in love with him?

Question

I'm young and naive, and fell for the "fake confidence" PUA tricks a guy older than I pulled on me. He was obviously someone I wouldn't have been into without all the emotional/verbal manipulation. He saw that I had a romantic fantasy in my head, and played it out for me. He can't get girls his age because he's such a failure (now that I look back).

Ultimately he got me to have sex with him and discarded me once he felt guilty and saw that I'm too young to build a connection with. I thought I was in love with him.

I'm a good girl, kind, and always thought the best of people.

Now I feel stupid, dumb, used, angry, and like I don't want to get near guys ever again. I feel like I don't ever want to open up, be kind, or trust men ever again.

I feel so dirty and tainted.

Jake99999 · Accepted Answer

The last thing you should do is condemn all men as assholes and become jaded and bitter. You had an experience with a manipulative person. Don’t assume every man out there is the same. It will just lead you to a very sad and bitter experience in life. Guess what. Their are manipulative and shallow women out there too, that hurt people. But it’s not their gender that makes them a bad person. There are so many amazing and wonderful women out there! Same with guys.

There are plenty of really good guys out there who are good people. Not every guy is a caveman hound dog who will do anything just to get laid. Far from it.

Learn from this, be a bit more careful, but don’t become a hater. It just sucks the life out of you, and you will pre-judge some guy who may be really great because you now assume the worst in people. Don’t be that way. Don’t let that one asshole take away your optimism and taint your future. Don’t give him that power.

Any guy that pressures a woman to have sex, it’s not good for you. A guy who truly cares about you and wants a real relationship won’t rush to push you to have sex. No matter how good looking or how much you are into a guy, when he pushes you to have sex and you are not comfortable, it’s not a good sign. Move on.

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

1. Don't feel dirty and tainted because you are not.

2. It's OK to feel used and angry. You were I suspect and that's a justifiable emotion.

3. Don't feel stupid and dumb because you are not; only inexperienced. This is only one lesson in The School of Hard Knocks. There will be many more in life most of which will be worse than this.

4. About not wanting to get near guys again, Nature will take care of that. But, just be cautious which brings me to Number 5:

5. This is what you do to avoid this sort of thing going forward:

>>> Ignore all the smooth bullshit talk. Even if it's not bullshit and he really wants a relationship, you can make a guy wait for a bit to be with you. If he really wants you (in every sense including relationship and/or sex), he will wait for a good long time - months at least. If he's only in it for the nookie, he'll leave soon enough. So, remember: Value yourself. Make a man earn his way to your bedroom by first being a good man to you.

Christine8 · Accepted Answer

I am so sorry to hear. There are some manipulative mean people out there! It feels awful when people lie and use you and he is the one who is in the wrong and should feel bad for what he did.

I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me a long time ago-me being young and naive and kind I got taken advantage of and he lied about many things including his age and everything about him just to use me. he was just a bad guy and my first actual guy that I had done things with.
The best advice I can give is to look at it as a learning opportunity. What you learned from him and what you can take with you moving forward. When you meet the next guy make sure he is different, get to know him better and if he is capable of doing that. Look for someone that you are compatible with. Someone who will care for you and that you can have a good relationship with.
The anger you feel will go away with time.

Alyssa11 · Accepted Answer

Okay first of all, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Just from your Q alone, I can see so much negative self-talk and that's got to stop now. It's happened and you can't change it. Please don't punish yourself. I know it's something you wish never happened, but it happens to a LOT of women (and men). I bet like 10% of the female population lost their virginity to a man that treated them 10/10.

Secondly, virginity is just a social construct. You're not dirty or tainted. We are human beings made to procreate. We all have physical and emotional desires, always leading to SEX. It's a normal human activity. You haven't done anything out of the ordinary - you just did something a lot of women do. It's a human thing to do.

I can see this has really upset you, so perhaps you can tell yourself that going forward you'll be celibate until you meet someone you're comfortable with and trust.

ohshee · Answer

Okay wait a second I do understand what you're saying 2 point and whether it was an older guy or a guy your own age don't hate yourself for it learn from it thank the guy for it for teaching you something because this experience you're going to use for the rest of your life that's the reason why it happened I guarantee you when we experience things like this is for a reason I'm sorry that you were hurt I think he's an asshole because you sound like you have a very beautiful heart and I think he's a fool because I think he should have dated you but you did nothing wrong I guarantee you right now there are girls in your same predicament the same thing happened to with guys their own age it happens every single day and I tried to tell girls on here all the time you have the right to feel the way that you feel and he used any sort of manipulation to get into your pants did he's a prick anyway when I was 15 and 1/2 16 years old I lost my virginity 2 a 19 year old college girl she said it was the best sex ever for me it was terrible it was the worst sex ever and then I thought for sure I was going to hell for having the worst sex ever and not being married LOL but I took that experience and I learned everything about it within a week's time and the fourth time I had sex with his girl it was the best sex ever and I've used that same knowledge but enhanced it by 500 times no matter what we do in life is it is an experience we learn from it I can tell you right now you have a beautiful heart you're very beautiful girl and don't beat yourself up anymore you said the reason why he did what he did was because he couldn't get girls his own age no he can't get girls anyway because of this kind of bullshit that he pulls on them that's why you can't get girls and what you just did to you it will make it so you won't ever get girls love yourself smile you're worth it

Taylah9 · Answer

Well firstly I definitely understand how you feel. Some guys have a way of getting inside our heads and making us think they are/could be the one when they only want one thing. That is an extremely shitty personality trait in him and I promise it won't end in happiness for him 100%.
You are still a good girl and kind and should still think the best in people but only to a degree.. Please have your guard up slightly with guys because I'm sure we all know that some guys can talk a lot of shit that they don't mean to get what they want. But you shouldn't feel like you're stupid or used because you're still the same person you were honestly with only one difference- You just slept with the wrong person and I think we have all been there. Learn from it, don't let him have that power over you And you should just write it off as a massive lesson in the way you are in the future

MotorcycleMan · Answer

Men are pigs. We want sex and we'll lie and deceive to get it.
Most people are going to go through at least a few "bad decisions" before finding someone they are compatible with. It's part of learning what works for you and what doesn't. Learn what you can from this one. It's your first time, and at the time it was probably a positive experience. Allow yourself to enjoy that for what it was, and learn to recognize the things you don't like in future partners. On the positive side, without this experience, you may not have gained the knowledge that is going to help you find someone better.

Bjornasey · Answer

I'm trying to keep myself safe until then. Yeah there are a lot of nasty old dudes out there, I don't get why girls fall for that? All they want is a shag. Anyhow as long as you had only 1 or two then it's fine for most guys, but there are those who will not like used goods, like me! But I'm right wing, want lots of kids and and be one with nature, kek.

Anyhow, try to avoid dudes who want a quick shag in future and kindly don't do the whole I banged 20 dudes then got a simp beta husband, that's just repulsive.

jspl90 · Answer

well It is a teaching moment there are idiots in this world and if you are dirty then so are all the other humans in this world only pure ones are my doggos and kitty
so he played you you guys had sex and he dumped you shit happens it might happen again it might not and people do place too much importance on virginity and lack of it so dont worry but yeah ofcourse you would want your first time to go well and with someone you are very fond of
just remember this as a bittersweet memory of yoy being in love and stupid and next time you fall in love you can be slightly experienced and rational
ps. most peoples first time is a shitshow one way or another at least mine was🤣

RealMarek · Answer

You are hurt and that is understandable. You are not dirty, you have just been used and that feels horrible. The feeling will fade with time. I think it is not uncommon to regret getting into a relationship with the wrong person. From experience, I can tell you that you will be far better off if you learn what you can from this and avoid bitterness or cynicism. Try not to write off all men. After you have healed you’ll be better able to avoid the PUA tricks and find a man who really cares about you.

Anonymous · Answer

stop seeing virginity as something sacride, and special, you had sex, you was fooled, it happens, im sorry it did but, you need to feel what u do, and try to learn from it, but at some point here soon, you need to accept what happened, and move forward. this does not have to define u, or ruin u, its all in how u look at it, see it as ok, this guy lied, i had sex, found out he's a jerk, on with my life, you're suffering cause all the sacrideness u attach to virginity, and the fact you was fooled... but you're not the fool. your suffering can end this hour, if u see it as i said. just accept it, and move on with life, look forward to cool boyfriends, finding love, not being lied to an used... you dont have any reason to feel ashamed. just accept he's a jerk, an move on, this doesn't have to define u, or taint u, or hold u back. just gp on.

Schizoaffective · Answer

Why do you feel dirty and tainted?
It just pisses me off how we give so much importance to virginity and purety with females.
You are not less off because you had sex...
Now he didn't treat you the way you wanted, alright.
The way someone treats you doesn't define you or reflect your worth in any way, it just reflects his poor character.
At least you have the emotional intelligence to acknowledge that he has bad character and isn't worth it.
Now continue with this thought process by not overreacting. Realistically, there are good and bad people, you just have to learn to be a better judge of people.
Although this experience was difficult, learn from it and try not to dwell so much on things past that you can't change anymore. It is just self inflicted torture.

DonkeyDan · Answer

The only way we grow as people is to reflect on our mistakes and learn lessons from them. Bad experiences have the ability to make us stronger. It happened and there is nothing you can do about that, but how you use that knowledge you have gained from this encounter will shape the person you become. Don't become bitter and hateful towards all men because of an encounter with one man, it will only hurt you in the long run.

Nazgol · Answer

I was in the same boat when I was in my early 20s so I know how it feels. Met a guy who was just looking to hook up but was highly charming and good looking to me he definitely found his way around. I was resistant and hesitant at first but finally gave it up to him. Now years down the road I regret, and it still has has an effect on me cause I fell for him badly but back then I was a inexperienced naive innocent horny girl. You just live and learn. Try not to let it get to you more than already has & move on. He was just a bad apple. There are good ones. Good luck

dustybiker · Answer

Since it’s now in the past and you can’t change it try and think of it in a lighter sense. Most people don’t enjoy their first experience. Lots of funny and horrible stories out there.
You were manipulated, even if given a sense of choice. It was wrong on their part, and you see that now. It’s over. Best thing to do is learn from this and try and not repeat it.
I would wait for a good guy that lets you make the first moves next time around.

Levin · Answer

It's part of life's lessons my dear. ain't nothing a mistake. But an opportunity to learn from.

You sound like such a sweetie from the way you talk. Emotionally deep. Don't be so down on yourself. He's the one at a loss for not appreciating you.

Ninani · Answer

Breathe, give yourself a hug. It's not your fault that he chose to manipulate and use you. Losing your virginity isn't the end of the world, rather it's the start of your sexual exploration. Take it easy and give yourself time to process your emotions. Cry, yell, scream if you need to to get it out of your system. Treat yourself with kindness.

JackSmy · Answer

OMG!! You play the 'victim' so well!!! YOU CHOSE to let him fck you, or did he put a gun to your head?
Take responsibility for your bad choices, learn from it, and GROW UP!!
If you want "sympathy" you will find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphylis"!

Finchie40 · Answer

Sorry to hear that happened to you , but try to look at it as a learning experience in life of something you will more than likely not do again , So try to look at the positives of it , Most of us encounter bad seeds in life, but eventually we come across a good one and when you find that good one you won’t look back at those bad ones

pleasestopthis · Answer

Use this experience to grow as a person. You let this man deceive you, but it doesn't meen every single man is a liar deceiving scum.
Don't let yourself be fooled by sweet, smooth talking or fake promises. Unfortunately sometimes you have to live through these crappy experiences to be able to discern when a guy is genuine or he's just trying to get into your knickers.

worldscolide · Answer

You have your own responsibility here, you chose to fall in love with him, and you chose to have sex with him. You made a choice, How you learn from that choice is up to you. The best way to move on from your poor choice is to learn from it, and accept your responsibility with it.

somesoul · Answer

I lost my virginity to a guy and he blocked me after 3 months for a year and I cried an entire year or 2. He fucked me every day

K-I-S-S · Answer

Your actions have consequences.

Be happy that it he didn't get you pregnant. Or something worse.

You just have to live with it and do take more care in the future. There a lot of people who will want to take advantage of you. In both genders.

SnakeBoop · Answer

i mean, it literally isn't anything to be ashamed of. it was sex. no need to devalue yourself because you had sex with a twat. it happens sometimes. take the lesson and learn from it.

How do I get over loosing my virginity to someone older who made me fall in love with him?

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