My boy friend has stood me up several times in our 3 year relationship. I've talked to him about this, but he continues to do it. What do I do?

[isaidenof]

I love my boyfriend and he loves me, at least I hope he does. But there are times where he'll make plans with me and won't follow through. At times he'll plan things with me and try to gaslight me by saying "I never said that" when our messages are proof of the contrary. Other times he says he fell asleep, and I understand that bit because he works nights and I've told him that if he's too tired to do anything to let me know but he never does. Sometimes, he won't even be asleep and straight out tell me he got lazy, but will only let me know after I've waited hours for him and have rearranged my day to be with him. Yesterday he fell asleep around 6am, I sent him texts checking on him, but he never replied and still has yet to even text me. I was hurt and upset that he couldn't even text me to tell me that he wasn't going to make it (again) so I sent him a last message stating that I was tired and disappointed and that it was over. He hasn't even read my text and I'm now thinking he's probably dead (Sorry about that, my mind just assumes the worst.) Was I too brash? Am I being unreasonable? Does he even love and care?

[btbc92]

You deserve better. I too understand which is why I wouldn't date because I am not fit or in a position to do so. Even with my friends, I cannot hang out and do things as I would like. It is mostly a travel issue, money issue, priorities at home issue, etc. I believe that he is somebody who doesn't need to be in a relationship and is taking you for granted. He likes the idea of being in one but doesn't want to put in the work to keep it. Just end it. It's on him. Why can't he admit that he cannot have a relationship? The fact that he doesn't at least take you out or hang out for an hour or so is staggering. If I really love a person and I really wanted to see them, I would make time for that day to see them. I don't get it? I never dated before, and I find this crazy? I mean, something has to give here. You need to ask him what does he want because you have been with him for 3 years and nothing has changed. That is way too long. That doesn't mean you're going to stay with him, you're still leaving that guy. But he needs to answer that question for himself so he won't hurt another person or himself again. I believe that work has 0 to do with it.

[isaidenof]

thank you, sometimes i feel like i overreact since he makes these issues seem small but i know this isn't right...

[btbc92]

It's not small. He needs to fix it. That isn't anything for you to feel sorry about overreacting because he isn't doing anything to fix it and now you wasting 3 years of your life with a person who sounds like he can't even offer you a relationship. And he needs to just be honest. I don't think he understands how much his lack of balance is impacting his relationships.

[cloudspy]

Tell him you will no longer put up with this. That you'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't give a shit. Then get on with your life.

[doe9de]

He sounds narcissistic it's unhealthy to be around narcissistic people I wouldn't stay with him.

[Guffrus]

Being arrogant and inconsiderate are nothing to do with narcissism.

[doe9de]

@Guffrus I'm just going off of what she says he dose. The behavior she described matches very closely to narcissism, "In my opinion".

[Guffrus]

It really doesn't.

Ok there is talk of 'gaslighting' but the context doesn't match with the behaviour of a narcissist at all, the purpose of the gaslight is to avoid responsibility not to destroy the others mind.

People over use words like gas lighting and narcissist all the time.

As both you and the OP have done.

[isaidenof]

@Guffrus But I didn't overuse it, because my scenario is what is was: gaslighting.

[Guffrus]

Of course you have over used it.

The term has a specific meaning, it is describing an act which is part of a campaign of control.

Just because he is distorting reality does not make it gas lighting.

[Anonymous]

People will treat you as badly as you allow them to.

[TangBang69]

Once, shame on him, twice shame on you both, third time it's shame on you.
One definition of insanity is to continuously try the same thing over and over in expectation of a different result.

[cloud_97]

sounds like a really toxic relationship, you should talk to him and talk about your how he mekes you feel but if he continue the best thing for both is breaking up

[Anonymous]

He is now used to take you for granted, either you make him respect you or dump him and move on

[In_Trance]

why do you allow it to happen?

[isaidenof]

at this point i dont even know why i let it go on for so long...