I settled for my boyfriend, what can I do to resolve how I feel?

[Anonymous]

Yup, I settled for him. When I met him he was broke, only had a mattress on the floor. I did see potential in him but I am NOT happy.

Sex is kind of boring. I dont crave him as much as I think I should. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I know what passion feels like and this ain't it,. Itll be 2 years next may

I actually can't break up with him. he's the first REAL boyfriend I've ever had. Why am I not happy with him? he's a great guy and I'm a total bitch for not being happy or satisfied. I'm torn.

[lightbulb27]

i watched a you tube video that love and lust are opposing forces. just part of nature. If you have love, that's wonderful.

you said he's a great guy, in what way? If you focus on that maybe it help. Maybe he's just nice guy, but doesn't provide.. contribute... nor do you feel secure in his ability to provide, strong work ethic, ability to persevere and overcome obstacles. Basically, like he's a man child? You are rescuing him. Those would certainly kill any mood for a female to be..."female" and make offspring. Cause, you are going to have a handful when you do...

"Hot" guys are attractive because they demonstrate power, which is what you need to keep them offspring alive. Ideally, he has some of both.

[Asker]

He told me when we were friends and liking eachother that he couldnt provide. he's a cheap guy. He doesn't put effort into me like random flowers or romance. But he will fix my car if a part needs to be replaced or he will contribute to cook and cleaning. I'm just missing on the excitment and sex is bad

[lightbulb27]

you see what he can give, he gives "acts of service", see the five love languages book for a concept of how people love. I sucked terribly at young age, I had to learn a lot and heal a lot of wounds. age 0-20x... a lot of emotional damage can be done that requires resolution, but hard for a person to even see it at that age.
This is reality... it's going to be a lot of work and risk or you have to find another.
He's probably a good hearted person, sensitive person, with a lot of hurts limiting him. sooner he works on that the better no matter what.

[Woke51]

In the comment you said, "I love him, but I'm not crazy about him."

Well, you're not supposed to be. Love is comfort. Love is trust. You can't be excited about things forever.

Think about when you get a new phone. You're excited to learn its features. You carefully put it away.

And after, like, six months, you become familiar with it. You just toss it on your bed.

That doesn't mean that you don't like your phone anymore. Your excitement has shifted into comfort.

So the question that you should ask yourself is not "Am I excited about this person?" but rather "Am I comfortable with this person?".

Because you could spend your whole life chasing excitement that is not permanent.

[DaveJord]

2 years next May... so that 1.5 years... LOL

Well honestly you sound attracted to and safe with him... but not sexually.

Your 25-29 and you probably have enough life experience to know that its not easy dating... it is a brutal processes and this guy is good and kind to you.

I can't recommend that you settle, I think eventually it will become unhealth if you suppress these unresolved issues. You either move it to a casual relationship were you can still see other people as you short this out for yourself or you end the relationship.

At this point not even 2 years in, everything should be rainbows and unicorns... if its not then you must to address it, and that starts with a honest conversation. Relationships are supposed to make yo happy not generate anxiety and insecurities in yourself.

[PrettyPriya]

What do you mean by you can't break up with him? Why is that?

[Asker]

Because I dont want to hurt him. I dont want to disappoint him. And he will probably have no where to go as we live with eachother

[PrettyPriya]

Well, that is the thing about breakups, they hurt. You know what else hurts? Faking a relationship, love, etc.

It is best you sit down and talk to each other and understand where you are both at, what you feel and how to proceed.

Doesn't have to be a sad or negative conversation. Approach it as if you are looking for the answer, not the way out.

In the end, if you cannot find reasons why you should be together, make plans to separate. Don't just kick him out. Allow him to get things sorted and find a suitable place to stay (friends/family/etc).

[Asker]

This is good insight thank you. Am I supposed to be or feel crazy in love? I'm just neutral and weve been together for 1.8 years. I have so much love for him. I'm just not all that crazy about him. I hate feeling this way

[PrettyPriya]

That's tough. You are very caring but feel like maybe there should be more. I get it. Empty feeling is the result and much confusion.

I think that is why maybe best to sit and have a discussion. Perhaps that brings forward some reasons. Maybe those reasons are something fixable! So, always worth being open and honest. You never know where it may lead.

I wish both of you the best of luck and hope you can resolve these feelings, one way or another.

[nawtee_me]

@PrettyPriya people fall out of love just as they fall in love... Relationships take work from both people or it becomes a burden rather than a joy...