Guy's can we get some honesty here: why do you sleep with someone and disappear?

Question

When you sleep with someone and disappear, is it because you know she's not the right person for you?

Example being on paper she has decent credentials ie stable job, lives alone maybe has a mortgage, has some savings, a good out look on life, travels, decent social life, hobbies.
You spend time together and she sounds just as good as she did before you met if not better. You meet a few times more. Things are going well really well. It's easy between the two of you.

You sleep together but then you disappear.

Wtf happened?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I'm going to make several points making generalizations - what's true MOST of the time. Obviously exceptions exist, but exceptions are not the norm.

The most likely issue is that the woman is not making any effort to make a distinction between the man wanting a RELATIONSHIP and the man wanting SEX. I won't deny that some men lie about this, and a few lie really well, but MOST of the time, it's very easy to tell the difference between a man who is looking for casual sex vs. a man who is looking for a relationship - but women rarely make an effort to separate the two. Hell, many women don't really grasp that this distinction exists, much less the fact that for every 1 woman a man meets that he has a "relationship interest" in, he meets 20 or 30 that he only has sexual interest in. Guys wanting only sex is the norm - guys wanting a relationship is the exception.

Next, the more attractive a man is (the higher his SMV - social market value), the LESS likely he is to want a relationship - but the MORE likely women will pursue him and give him sex. Many women ONLY pursue the type of men that they have NO chance of having a committed relationship with, and then decide that ALL men are the same way. If you are looking for a relationship, you need to be selecting from the men closer to average, and not the guys at the top. Top guys have zero need to commit to any woman - they always have a waiting list of women waiting their turn to be with him, so as soon as the current woman becomes any kind of a hassle to him, he can easily replace her with a new one, and he gets used to doing just that, so he has zero tolerance for dealing with hassles or demands from women.

Finally, ghosting has become normalized by both sexes. It's an abhorrent behavior, but it's SO easy to do it that tons of people do. You can't completely eliminate this, but you CAN take things more slowly, and make the guy invest in spending time with you and talking to you about relationship-related things BEFORE you start having sex with him. Yes, some guys will bail out when they realize they can't get casual sex from you, and you have to be prepared to let them go - even if they're cute, even if you REALLY like them, etc.

Women, not men, control access to sex, so women are responsible for the choices they make, and the consequences of those decisions. Men control access to relationships, so men are responsible for their poor relationship choices (and boy does the law punish men when they screw up in certain ways).

Men are quite simple, and our motivations are well known, but you as a woman still have to make some effort - and make the guy make some effort - before you sleep with him, or you can expect that a lot of guys will just use you for casual sex.

t-8900 · Accepted Answer

Don't get upset with what I'm about to say because it's not a bash on you. Honest to God I have never met a single guy who cares about any of this stuff. Is she good looking? can she cook? can she be there for me emotionally? is she easy? what's her past? I'm from the very, VERY blue North East of the USA and I grew up in and around Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Maryland so I'm not some stereotype like some people might think about when they think about a guy who says this stuff.

I've never once met a man in my whole life who said, "dude she's got a career and a PhD I'm getting so hard right now". People can judge me for this but this is not all me here. Every single guy I know values this stuff. Irregardless of what people here on GaG say. I'm just being straight with you here. I've never done what those guys did to you but tons of guys, if you just sleep with them you're easy and likely been around.

If you're a woman, you want and value commitment do NOT just give it up like that. "Fake it till you make it" doesn't work either. This is not what a lot of women want to here and okay fine. But if you keep doing the same things over and over again and they aren't working then it's time to try a new approach. I'm only trying to help you out here, not bash anyone. To the other guy saying they don't want to ruin the girl's life.

I mean not really the thing is if they actually considered your wellbeing at all they wouldn't have gotten involved like that anyways. Wanna know how I know? Because I didn't get involved with girls when I wasn't ready because I wasn't trying to be a waste of their time or mine, or embarrass myself in the first place and cause heartbreak. Considerate people take measures which CONSIDER the other person. At the end of the day what YOU consider valuable the men might not. We want different things and prioritize different things. And even when it's the same things we prioritize it's usually for very different reasons.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I've never done that to a lady.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

This is because you're not relationship attractive to most men. You do what most women do: "Example being on paper she has decent credentials ie stable job, lives alone maybe has a mortgage, has some savings, a good out look on life, travels, decent social life, hobbies."

Basically you've been misled. Let's rate how men view what you said in general.

1. Stable job. Ehh broke men care a little, successful men mostly don't care at all.

2. Lives alone in a house she owns with a mortgage. Broke men would like this but successful men will mostly not care. Some men will view it as a negative because they will assume you have men over any time you want. Whether you do or not. Vs a "bum" who lives with family probably doesn't have as much opportunity for hookups at least at home.

3. Has savings. Broke men like it, successful men do not care.

4. A good outlook on life. Subjective. Only the person you are with can decide on that. However i would guess id judge this girl as not having a good outlook on life seeing as work is very important to her.

5. Travels. Negative. Us men have all met a girl in town for a trip who sluts around where nobody knows her. So at worst we might assume this and at best it means nothing really.

6. Decent social life. Subjective. If the people are either guys who have a sexual history or interest in you its a negative. If they are slutty women its a negative as well.

7. Hobbies. Depends on the hobbies. Cooking? Wonderful. Collecting little spoons from your travels? No thanks.

Now if you are trying to date men who work at mcdonalds or are in between jobs or need a sugar mama while they go back to school... im shocked they dont stick around. So im assuming these aren't your types.

To a more desirable man who has his own success you are an ideal casual sex partner. You are so independent they can have sex and feel zero responsibility to care for you in any way shape or form. This is why they feel so comfortable just disappearing.

So it begs the question what would make you more relationship attractive to one of these men who aren't into you for more than sex. Well here's top list of what i look for:

Attractive looks (if you're getting sex you probably aren't too bad but not necessarily) excessive makeup is a turn off for relationships.

Sweet and caring

Innocence/good girl. Sleeping around scares most men away from relationships. Personally i won't touch a girl thats been with more than 3 men. But every man has his own Subjective rules. Another man might not want a relationship with a girl who had any casual sex in the past year. Point is stop hooking up with men and making it worse.

Family and home oriented. Does she clean cook? Would she make a good mom if we had kids?

Elephant in the room is youth. There is a thing called the wall. Its real. Above 30 men will find you far less attractive for relationships than before. Its not hopeless but realize simply due to age you are in the bottom half of desirable women. You can still be the damn best of the bunch but your days of being the pinnacle of perfection to men are long over. Best way to get a leg up here is excel at everything else and to date older men. 10 years and more you will still be seen as a catch. Men around your own age you're not that attractive too for relationship purposes.

Hope that helped. Just my straight up thoughts.

DaveJord · Answer

Well sex is an important part of a relationship... I always say that I could never truly fall in love with someone without having sex with her. And yes I have fallen out of love with some after having sex with them.

So if you have nothing nice to say, best to say nothing at all. So you wanted honesty that honest. The guy probably didn't really vibe with you but used you for sex, or the sex was terrible and he didn't want to crush your feelings, or he has intimacy issues and freaked out because he knows he's not good enough for you or wants a serious relationship. Some guys just know after sex that your are looking for or wanting way more than they are willing or able to provide and can't in good faith continue a sexual relationship with a women they know they are not into for the right reasons.

I have never total vibe with someone, then had great sex and just left her withour a word.

I have vibed on someone had sex and stopped vibing pretty quick, but the whole sex thing was very uncomfortable for me... we just were not compatible in bed. Well she was not compatible for me, because I have been compatible with a lot of other girls.

I have also vibed and kept vbing, but knew the sex was a bad idea because I was not into the level of commitment she wanted or deserve. But I wasn't a coward about it, and just ghosted out... I did tell her that it wasn't going to work and tried to be a gentlemen about it. She did not react well.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

I've never done that and have no intention of doing so. I don't get it! Unless he was only interested in marking his territory. Maybe he's already got somebody at home waiting for him but will gladly take an extra bit of trim on the side! I had two guitarists like that! Frank was living with a woman that had at least 7 of his kids but he was still fucking anyone else that'd let him! Jason had a number of steady girlfriend's and, even though he had one, he was CONSTANTLY fucking other girls!! At one point, he got married but was STILL fucking around behind her back!!
I'm EXTREMELY lucky if I can get ONE girl so, I'd MUCH rather make her something steady and would NEVER fuck it all up and risk losing her by cheating on her!!
As for your situation, sounds like he was just using you for sex!
One night, we were playing a gig in this sleazy little bar and I had to run up to the dressing room to get my drum sticks and there's Jason fucking some girl on that filthy dirty floor!! A few months later, we had another gig there and Jason was in the pool room and that same girl showed up and was in the bar looking for him, probably to get laid, again, and I told him she was out there and he said, "Yeah, I know! Could you do me a favour and go tell her I'm not here?" I almost did until I thought to myself, "Fuck you!! YOU got yourself into this mess!! YOU deal with it!!" So, I never said a word to her! I SHOULD'VE sent her back into the pool room to get him!

ohshee · Answer

Let me day it like this when you buy a car you drive it every day you do every thing with that car when you like someone really deep you can't get enough of that person . When your selfish and your young to use someone or you want to cheat on whom ever

And if a guy just wanted to hey laid he will lie tell you what ever get laid and move on.. no call no nothing.. 2 .3 7. Days pass he horny again. He will. Call to tell you the biggest lie ever hoping you will believe him and want him to come over.. if you do.. he comes over you sex it up again he leaves 2.5 9 days gos by start all over again

If a guy likes you he will always want to be with you ever min of the day

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

For me it was the opposite actually - they'd disappear after such occasions.
That's why now I encourage people around me to discuss about those things and confess if they did such things when I ask them to write self-criticism letters.
I've recently talked with a guy who did just that - his reasoning was that he was afraid to commit. I explained to him the importance of committment and how it makes the man, and he seemed to have understood, so I've forgiven him and started to assist him on his path of recovery and growth.
Same thing with a woman Who was cheating on her husband.

I think that to really help people, make them confess their faults and support them in becoming better, patience, kindness and understanding are key.

Satyromaniac · Answer

The disappearance suggests the guy

1) didn't enjoy the sex
2) was a jerk and just lied to get in bed with you
3) met with an accident and died or is in a coma somewhere remote
4) didn't like your personality/character/beauty/etc and decided he couldn't spend a lifetime with this kinda girl right on the first few dates, but since he had put in time and money he could make it worth it by at least getting laid.
5) is a serial date-ist... i. e Finds clean, sweet, gullible women to make a fool of, has sex and never calls back, probably suffers from childhood trauma where he saw men taking advantage of his mom and is re-enacting the same again and again
6) has commitment issues and wants the girl to chase after him to be sure she is Miss Right
7) is just immature, isn't serious about life, is just horny all the time and doesn't know what kinda damage and hurt he is spreading around by doing these actions.

JoseJr · Answer

Ima get some hate but here we go. Per your example, she has a sable job etc. Is the bare minimum you should be doing, man or female. I don't give extra points because you can support yourself, you should be able to do that on your own. Therefore that doesn't affect my decision on whether or not I stay. Its not to say I would stay with a girl with 0 ambition or motivation. As someone else stated those guys that can sleep with multiple women are a very small percentage of guys. Just like most females know they have hella option, these small percentage of also know they have hella options. So why stay keep one fish when there's a whole ocean thats looking for what you have to offer.

RobT312 · Answer

I have done this in my early 20’s. But it wasn’t a one night stand, I wasn’t just looking for sex. We had been dating for 2 months , it was going ok, not great. We then decided to have sex one night after a date, she stayed over. It was ok, not great.
After the sex nothing really stimulated me, it was just ok. I just lost interest and never called her again. She was not the type to call, (Also annoying) so I just let her go. I heard from friends she described me as a big dicked sex crazed nudist, so ultimately it was for the better, she had probs with me too.

The_Transporter · Answer

Men are probably very similar to women in that respect.
Just remember back to a time when you may have hooked up with a guy and then lost interest, it's probably the same thing.
A person is either into you or they're not. They're with you or they're not.

Guy's can we get some honesty here: why do you sleep with someone and disappear?

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Guy's can we get some honesty here: why do you sleep with someone and disappear?

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