I've been dating my boyfriend for 9 months and I think he doesn't value me?

[Anonymous]

The only time he has spent on me is the first time we met (we went to the cinema twice and he paid) . we live in different states and he always visits and when he does, i always take care of feeding and every other thing. After the cinema outings, he stopped taking me out. He hasn't spent a dime on me except to come see me. i try to gift him stuffs to show him i care. He never even got me gifts on Valentine's day and my birthday. I'm still a student so i feel emotionally drained and i don't know what to do... I've confronted him twice explaining to him that i know he doesn't have money but the little things matter, i told him that even paying for my birthday dinner would have been appreciated. Please what should i do?

[Anonymous]

If I was your boyfriend... Anyway, I read the other comments. Don't listen to anyone but me. Look you suffer from mass conditioning. You and your boyfriend probably have no vision for your relationship. Do you? A vision you've written down together and thought and talked over. Even if it is just for 1 year out. Here is my advice to you.

[1st] - Tell him to stop watching porn. I know that doesn't make sense to you but it will make sense to him. Tell him the best solution is prevention. <--- I could be wrong about step 1. But I think this is his problem.

[2nd] - Create a 1 year vision as a couple. Do this together. This is what you want the year to be like.
Put a heavy focus on personality.

[3rd] - Have a weekly or bi-weekly meeting via call or whatever. During this call you do not speak about anything off topic. During the first 10 mins of the call you talk about your wins. Things you guys did well in relation to the vision. Things that are going well.
THEN - spend 10 mins talking about things you both could have been better at and focus on the solutions to those things. Don't overly focus on the problems. Only the solutions will help you. Then decide a time for the next meeting. After that end the meeting. End the meeting.

- A good portion of the vision should focus on personality. I cannot say that enough. The vision is only as good as your ability to stay in harmony with one another. And currently you are not in harmony which is a very dangerous state for a relationship to be in. Disharmony - leads to a lot of unnecessary bad things.

- The vision is so you two are out trying to go through a relationship blind... Which most people do. Don't do that. The vision makes sure you are both on the same page and the meeting makes sure if you are unhappy with something you can address it in a formal, constructive way that doesn't feel like an attack.

Try it.

[jahaims]

If he doesn't have money he doesn't have money. It costs money for him to visit. Maybe you should stop complaining and visit him. You say he doesn't spend time with you but he travels to see you. Your values are in the wrong places.

[PrettyPriya]

Is he a student too? Perhaps he just doesn't have the finances for fancy gifts and going out. A little context about him might allow me to give some good advice. Thanks!

[Asker]

He isn't a student. He is done with school though not financially strong

[PrettyPriya]

Ok, thanks. Well, if he hasn't got his finances quite sorted yet, that could be the case. How is your relationship other than the missed holiday and birthday?

I know you don't go out much, but what about just like watching movies at home or something like that. Is it good then?

[Asker]

Yea we do that. Everything is good. We are practically best friends but sexually he is lacking and he is meant to go to the hospital to know what's wrong but he keeps on avoiding it.

[PrettyPriya]

Ok, so that is a good sign then. If things are solid other than when it comes to gifts and activities that cost money, sounds like finances are the main issue. I would give him a chance to get on his feet.

That can be tough starting out when young. Especially when you are trying to save as much as you can for car, house, student loans, bills, etc. Try to find unique ways to have special dates that don't cost a whole lot.

Regarding the intimacy problem, I don't want to pry into his/your personal situation. If it is something he needs medical help with, putting it off does no good.

He is likely embarrassed and anxious. That is something HE is just going to have to get over. All you can do is stay positive and support him. Don't push too hard as that can often have the opposite effect.

[Asker]

I know that things have been tough that's why i take care of his needs and moment financially but i believe that at least once in a while he can help me by taking care of some things. The only difference between a single lady and i is that i spend more.

[PrettyPriya]

I get completely what you are saying. It does sound very one sided. He should prioritize some finances to his relationship. It doesn't cost that much to say get a bottle of wine and cook a nice dinner for you.

Also, I'm guessing you weren't expecting diamond earrings for your birthday but something reasonable and meaningful.

[Asker]

To be sincere... A card and flower can go a long way.. it makes me know that he knows he isn't trying but he is working on it

[PrettyPriya]

I absolutely and 100% agree with you that simple things go a long, long way. It is those little gestures even in a financially stable and committed relationship that say "I love you".

Could not agree more with the last reply.

[Anonymous]

Time to move on. It will only become more painful for you. You need to love and respect yourself first! NEVER devalue yourself just so you can be in a relationship!!!

[Asker]

Thanks.. this helped

[Opinion Owner]

Good luck!

[IncognitoBandito]

Might not be that invested in the dating

[Asker]

Hmm... i think so too

[Sam_The_Savage]

You deserve better