Boyfriend constantly thinks I’m attacking him?

[Anonymous]

Literally everything that comes out of my mouth that isn’t sunshine and rainbows to make him feel like a sexy, successful man is always taken as a jab or that I’m attacking him even when I say that’s not what I meant, he argues with ME about what I meant. Then tells me I’m just gaslighting him to think that I’m not. When I genuinely wasn’t meaning it that way. Our latest argument was him telling me his schedule and wanting to get back into hobbies. I asked him how he’s gonna have time to work 5 days and do all this stuff and have time for me and our kid. He tells me his plan and I told him to do what he wants but I hope he puts the same amount of effort in when we want to go do things too. I don’t see that as a jab. That’s me saying alright you’re packing your schedule full of everything YOU want to do so make sure you make room for family time. And that was an attack and me acting like we’re neglected. Like am I delusional and not understanding how it came across or what because I’ve had it with being told that I’m gaslighting and attacking him and being made to seem like I’m toxic

[caring__1]

"You" statements are commonly seen as statements of fact about the other person. When we hear statements of fact in areas we feel sensitive or insecure, we often perceive these statements as personal attacks. This generally leads to conflicts and arguments.

I'm sure he'd be more receptive to your feelings if you stated "I was just thinking of our trip to the beach last summer, and a smile came to my face. I love our family time together. It helps me reconnect and feel this is where I belong and have value. What we create together is beautiful. Thank you for being my partner."

[sage2021]

I know you must be so frustrated because he takes whatever you say as gaslighting him. That's seems to be his usual response to you, why? I don't know, but it is.
I saw what you said and a normal response from him would have assured you that he will make time to spend with you and your child.
It seems with him, no matter what you say or ask of him, he is a wossey and can't handle it. He needs to grow up and grow some! I would turn the tables on him, and tell him he is gaslighting YOU! Keep saying it like he does to you - it might get old and he will stop saying that to you.
Sweetie, even know if you sugarcoat your words (as suggested here) his response will always be "You're gaslighting me".
Have you ever seen the old movie Gaslight? The lady's husband kept doing things to her on purpose the drive her to insanity. That is where the Your erm gaslight comes from. You are not doing anything of that. Tell him he needs to look up what gaslighting means.
Good luck 🌹

[Liz95]

I don’t think you were “attacking” or “jabbing” at him at all, you’re in the right to tell him how you feel but I kind of do see where he might’ve misunderstood you and took everything out of context, but you’re not in the wrong

[Asker]

Thank you. All I was trying to say is I know these are things you want to do but basically do things with your family too. I explained that I didn’t mean it as a jab I’m just saying don’t forget about your home life.

[Liz95]

It’s understandable especially if there’s a pattern of him doing just that, best of luck hun 🙏🏻

[Anonymous]

“Well you do what you want but you better...”

That’s your basic attitude. You’re pissing in his Cheerios. Why do you think he doesn’t think about you and his family or take you into account?

You’re digging at him. Something tells me he is hen-pecked. Maybe he deserves it. But he’s also right about you.

[Asker]

I’m telling him that because he constantly dismisses things we want to do and says he’s tired or he has to work but is clearing his schedule for things he wants to do. So telling him that he can do everything he’s wanting to but to make sure to have time for us too means that I’m toxic. Okay, please explain that to me.

[Anonymous]

You're not attacking him; you're nagging him.