Please help me I’m scared?

[Anonymous]

I got engaged to someone 8 years younger than me.

He has debt and doesn’t earn as much so he wants us to downsize our rental. He’s looking at getting a new motorbike though 🤷🏼‍♀️

He has already bought and sold two cars because he couldn’t afford them.

Im scared I’m doing the wrong thing committing to a smaller place with him. I don’t want to get rid of all of my stuff. I built all that up.

My parents are worried for me.

Please can someone at least talk to me? I need some advice

Updates

1 y

His dad is poor with money too. He’s going to court over a potential eviction because he hasn’t paid their mortgage

[ohshee]

You have every reason in the world to be scared you really need to think about what you're doing and where he's taking you you are way more mature than he is and you want to build your life where he can't afford his life he's going to go down down and down until he has nothing left and then here's the next deal if you gets a bike does he even know how to ride one because if he doesn't he's going to get killed motorcycles are a lot of fun but you have to be disciplined you have to understand what the rules are you don't just get a motorcycle and go riding yes out in the dirt you can do that and you can haul ass you can be very undisciplined because you don't have cars to watch out for I think you really need to pay attention to what's going on because you are liable for all his mistakes once you were married

[WhyMe247]

It’s best to call it off, although it sounds like he has a spending problem. That’s often linked to psychological disorders, like mania or bipolar, etc. It is possible he has a budget and doesn’t follow it, but I doubt it. I know someone with a spending problem and he does have a mental thing going on causing it. If you love him, I’d suggest talking to a professional about it.

[Asker]

I have suspected bpd previously and I’m wondering whether he gets it from the father

[Asker]

He has suffered with anxiety and depression too though. I had depression a couple of years back and I went a bit spending mad but I stopped, got myself out of it and I don’t do that anymore. I am older though as well

[WhyMe247]

I’m glad you’re over that and I hope you and your boyfriend can work through everything!

[Asker]

Thank you so much x

[Asker]

What is the situation with your friend?

[Anonymous]

How long have you known him? Do not marry this guy yet. He's not good with money, and it's not only a problem right now, but unless he changes his ways (and doesn't sound like he's going to), this will be a CONSTANT problem through your marriage and might even lead to a divorce (when you finally have enough of him). So my advice, hold off (for possibly some time) before getting married and see if he gets his act together. He may not be the guy for you.

[Asker]

I’ve only known him a year and a half. We’ve lived together for a year

[caring__1]

He's financially irresponsible. It appears he spends to impress and doesn't plan for the future. You'll end up being his mother, and he'll resent that and respond as a child. If you're scared, that's reason enough to end the relationship.

[Asker]

This is how I feel a bit now…like his mother and I’m feeling like he’s been acting out (he’s still 26 so he’s not a baby but he does sometimes act like one).

[Asker]

It’s my gut telling me there’s something not right here. I don’t want to end it though. Is there anything I can do?

[caring__1]

He probably has at least 2 more years of adolescence remaining, though I'm not seeing signs he is motivated to discover his identity. I can't guaranty the outcome, but if you want to stay, let him know you want to understand his view of financial responsibility, both short term and long term. Don't criticize him or minimize what he says. Just listen, so you can see it through his eyes. It's OK to seek clarification of anything that isn't clear or has multiple definitions. Without knowing your joint financial situation, both what comes in and what goes out, I can't say whether the rental is living beyond your means, but wanting to cut back on rent so he can buy toys is irresponsible. The only way I can see sense in buying a new motorbike is if he needs it for work, and his present one isn't reliable.

Does he maintain what he has, or is he quick to replace things when the newness wears off? This can also relate to relationships. Is he willing to buy at a thrift shop, or does he feel he needs things that are new? How handy is he when it comes to repairing things? We either have the ability or have the ability to acquire the ability. You can learn most anything by watching YouTube videos. I wouldn't have been able to afford what I have acquired had I not done all my own maintenance on everything. I also designed and built my own home.

It's important to appreciate a partner as he/she is, rather than focusing on what you believe is that person's potential. If you focus on potential, you'll likely be very disappointed. He is who he chooses to be. Changes made for another person tend to be temporary and/or conditional. Only self-motivated changes remain constant over time.

[Asker]

This is the problem. I don’t feel like he has a great deal of motivation for anything. Even his own self image. He is overweight but refuses to accept it and just does nothing. I fear he is a bit lazy and others have said this to me as well.
When we got our first rental, where we are now, he was all for having a garden but he doesn’t want to have to do the hard work and now we are moving to an apartment so he won’t have to. He says he is going to do all these things then makes excuses why he can’t do them.
The motorbike is purely for fun. He doesn’t have any outside hobbies or interests or friends at all. I’ve given up a lot of mine so that we can spend ALL our time together but lately I don’t feel like that’s working particularly well and I think we are getting stagnant. I think that’s why he wants the motorbike so I’m some ways I’m glad.
I think he definitely likes new things although he talks about buying things and doing them up I’ve only known him to do this once with a bike which he sold. He says he wants to do it with properties but I can’t see him saving for that.

[Asker]

He is a lot of a fantasist and I worry our engagement was part of that fantasy and now it’s become a reality six months later and he is looking to get his boy toys back etc. I broke up with him about two weeks ago over a financial issue. He said his mum and dad needed him to take out a £14k loan to help them get out of arrears with their mortgage and I just blew up and said not at the expense of our future. If you want to do that you do it alone. I’m not putting my future on hold because of your fathers irresponsible way with money. He cried and begged me to stay and said he wouldn’t do it but things haven’t been the same since

[Asker]

I am his first relationship

[caring__1]

I know you want to hold onto this relationship, but there are red flags all over the place. I'd pass on this opportunity, but it's your life and your choice. Chances are, he'll just settle deeper into his rut as time goes on.

[Asker]

Is this a sign of borderline personality or some other disorder? I’ve done some reading and I don’t think this is normal behaviour

[Asker]

Sorry for the questions and long posts but You are a lot older than me and seem really wise

[caring__1]

Never attempt to diagnose something you're not qualified to diagnose. When that is done, it just looks like we're placing blame by putting a label on it. Normal just means common, not necessarily functional. Always choose what's functional and compatible, not what's normal. I realize it's hard letting go of what we have, in hope of finding something that works better, but holding on to hope can make the rest of your life miserable.

I have no problem with your questions and long posts. They show you care enough to want to understand. People would be much happier if they took the time to understand rather than insist on being understood.

[Asker]

Thank you

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Well this stranger on the internet can't outdo the wisdom of the 2 people who know you best and are far wiser than you - parents. So not sure why you would dump their imput to ask strangers.
The fact that you are worried means your common sense is trying to kick in. Best thing to do at least is tell him you want to wait till he gets stable. No man should seek more responsibility if what is in his lap is not under control.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

There are two simple ways in this either you support him by extending your share of rent and keep the house or you could just break the engagement if nothing seems to be working out.

It would take time for him to hit the maturity level you are and he won't change anytime soon as from what you said.

All the best

[exitseven]

I do not think this is the guy for you. Maybe you should rethink this. Part of the reason you have an engagement is that you can back out of it.

[Asker]

Yes I’m not going to marry him right now

[exitseven]

good, find somebody else.

[Sam_25]

Oh please don't fall in this trap...
You can pm me for talk.

[Asker]

I just followed you. Can you send me a message? I can’t send them first

[Sam_25]

Same here even I can't send first... lol

[Asker]

I don’t know what to do here…

[Sam_25]

Oh my... please stop everything with him immediately. Otherwise he will steal your money.

[Asker]

If there’s one thing he won’t do it’s steal my money. We have our own accounts and a separate one for bills etc which he has put into for the last two years every month without fail. He’s just bad with money but he’s super generous with everyone (including me) and I’ve told him it’s got to stop

[Sam_25]

Darling if doesn't buy food for you than no Matter how generous he his... it's useless.

Use mind. Not heart.

[NathanDavis]

just call it off... don't marry to financial debt and years to come of serious struggle

[AimeeKyle]

If he isn’t physically responsible, I would seriously consider dropping him like a bad habit. Money is a continuous topic throughout marriage…. it won’t get better.

[KrakenAttackin]

This sounds like a serious issue. Once married it will be much harder to correct financial issues.

[jimmy2]

Sounds like he wants you but not him big red flag it calls for a change for him or go get a better man

[MagicCarpet1]

Not my problem, should have married me.

[Asker]

We’ll you made me laugh so thanks for that ☺️

[TenkRealist]

You're screwing yourself over find someone else.

[In_Trance]

run away and never look back