My best friend thinks she has a chance with me but I don't want to hurt her feelings?

[Anonymous]

To make a long story as short as possible, basically my female best friend (19 years old) thinks she has a chance to be in a relationship with me (20 years old), but unfortunately I am just not attracted to her in that way. A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a different girl, and we broke up (it was a mutual decision, though I was pretty sad about it at the time). After that my girl best friend admitted to liking me. Since I was sad at the time, I did tell her that I might have had feelings for her too, but I was coming out of a breakup - my feelings were all over the place so it wasn't a good time. I told her not to wait/expect anything from me as I needed to get over my ex before I could really consider another relationship, so I was okay if she wanted to look around for other guys.
I ended up realising I didn't like her as anything more than a friend, though I appreciate what we have as friends and didn't want to ruin it. At the time I didn't tell her that I didn't have those kind of feelings for her because I felt bad (though looking back I wonder if it would have been better to tell her). We got into a small argument months later and she basically said the reason she was upset/annoyed with me was because she still has feelings and I did told her I didn't feel the same way and apologised.
Nowadays, I feel like she tries to act like my girlfriend (texts me gn/gm every time; gets upset if I forget, always puts herself next to me when we are out in a group etc, gets a little clingy when other girls come up).
Despite all this fake girlfriend stuff, she has been an amazing friend to me. I know if I get into a serious relationship with a girl, the relationship with my best friend will have to change (no constant texting at night, can't be clingy with me) and I'm perfectly fine with that - I'd be more comfortable right tbh. I want to still be there for her, like she always has for me, but I know she'll get very upset.

Thanks in advances for the responses.

[SteveSmith1985]

This is one of those situations where you have to be clear. Even if it means hurting her feelings. In the long-run, you'll actually hurt her feelings less if you're clear about where things stand. Being unclear seems to have given her false hopes.

Also, allowing her to act like your girlfriend... from her perspective... suggests that you're fine with her being exactly how she is with you. If she likes you, and you seem WILLING to let her kinda act like a girlfriend... I sorta can't blame her for it.

You need to basically have a big long honest talk with her about all of this. She needs to come away from that talk clear on how you REALLY feel. Definitely tell her how important she is to you, and how much you value her friendship. Make sure she knows you truly mean that. But also, you need to call-her-out on the acting like a girlfriend stuff. Be nice about it, but also be clear about it. She needs to stop being your fake girlfriend. Mention that it makes you feel uncomfortable (I doubt she realizes that it does).

You should indeed have told her that you "didn't have those kind of feelings" earlier, when you first realized it. Not being honest with someone because you feel bad about hurting them will almost always end up causing even more hurt. So... now you have to have that 'honest talk about your feelings' which you should've had then.

It won't be fun, it won't be pleasant, but being honest about everything is really the only way to change anything about your situation. Just make sure you stress how important she is to you as a friend, and that you really do want to be friends... but make clear that you don't want anything romantic (fake girlfriend, or real girlfriend) going forward.

Sorry I don't have an easy solution for you. Good luck 🙂

[Asker]

I understand it won't be easy unfortunately. I really appreciate you taking the time to look at my situation. Thanks for the advice, I'll certainly take this on board!

[mobiusforniner]

Be upfront. I had this happen, and i am married. She was one of my best friends. I knew she had feelings. I did too, which made it and affair. So I was blunt and told her a future with me was impossible, that I do truly love her and want her to be happy, which meant i needed to walk out of her life so she can move on.

It was possibly the most painful emotional experience in my life. I dont think she's recovered yet, but at least her heart is free

[Anonymous]

Tough. Get another girlfriend and turn down the best friend she will hopefully get the hint. You might have to tell her time and time again you arnt interested until you are blue in the face. Or stop talking to her. Maybe even warn her if she doesn't stop you'll stop talking to her. Or find her a guy with your friends. Hook her up with someone else

[Asker]

Hooking her up with someone else sounds like a good idea. Don't know why I didn't think of it myself, thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

Welcome!!