Does being in a committed relationship mean that your partner should never be physically attracted to anyone else?

Question

Is attraction to others supposed to stop when you commit to each other in a relationship? I'm not talking about actually pursuing a sexual relationship with someone else; I am strictly talking about feeling the stirrings of a physical attraction. Do you think your partner has done something wrong if they feel attracted to someone else?

Massageman · Accepted Answer

A, for sure. As sinful humans, we will be attracted to others. The difference is what we do in response, and what kind of attraction/love is involved. A part of a handout I give my massage students :

The Greek language distinguishes several different senses (meanings) for the word "love" with a different root word for each sense. Ancient Greek has the words xenia, philia, storge, agape, and eros. Let’s look at them more closely and see how they relate to the Massage Therapist.

Xenia: Xenic hospitality was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship between a host and his guest, people who could previously have been total strangers. Xenic love was shown by the host by respecting his guest, and by the guest who would not be a burden to the host. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude, except in the case of traveling bards, wherein entertainment and news from other towns was the usual “thank you”. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology, in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.

Philia: This love has comradeship and friendship for another individual, but it expects a response. It is a love of relationship, comradeship, sharing, communication and friendship. While eros makes lovers, phileo makes a bond that is all trusting, and not sexual in nature. They share each other’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans and dreams. They confide in each other secrets, fears and needs that they would not share with another. Note the use of this Greek root in the words philanthropy (generosity) and hydrophilia (water-loving).

Storge: This is the love often described as a comfortable old shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other. Storgic love represents a safe haven for people as it is a place of acceptance, mutual respect and shelter, one example of which is familial love- that of parents and offspring to each other. Many people dwell in storgic love for years and misunderstand it as being mundane or boring. But in effect it is a very safe place, but can simply lack excitement we might seek. It can also serve as the moat around your relationship, protecting it from outside forces. Storgic love can co-exist with other types of love and can be likened to a foundation made up of trust and safety.

Agape: Refers to a "pure," ideal type of love, not sexual attraction suggested by eros. To love agapically is to love completely, but expect nothing in return. Agape love is different from erotic love in that it is not sexual nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice. Agape love was shown by Jesus, as He gave Himself totally to save mankind from sin. Agapic love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the relationship. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during difficult times as you love someone but expect nothing in return. You can love someone completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect.

Eros: This type of love is associated with sex and romance. It is that erotic feeling we get when a sexual relationship moves forward. Your world and mind circles about your loved one and they are always on your mind. You strive for time together romantically. Eros love is totally emotional, sexual and cannot typically be summoned at will. Sadly, while most of us have experience erotic love in our lives, it is not sustainable. While erotic love is not sustainable, it can cycle in and out of a relationship over its course.

cunnilinguist · Accepted Answer

I'm sure "cheating" is a word women started to use in this context. No woman owns a man the same way no man owns a woman. Another human is not your property, unless we live in some kind of weirdly twisted version of slavery. If I love (and I mean really Love) my partner and they feel attracted to another man would it be a loving thing to expect her to forego her impulse or trample her own desires and overwrite it all with a mental construct of some made-up mental concept along the lines of "I must remain faithful" (whatever the F*ck that's supposed to mean)? I don't think so.

Being a conduit or a tool (or even the ACTIVE cause) in the robbing someone you "love" of a joyful experience is hardly loving. There is only one true love and it's called unconditional for a reason. Everything else is fakery. I will give you my love AS LONG AS you play by my rules, even if it means denying following your heart wherever it wants to go or abstaining from whatever feel right/joyful to you at the moment. Because if you EVER DARE be yourself in a way I do not approve of I will withdraw my love from you, and you may take that as a threat. Some love, that!

If you have any other kind of "love" for me, well, I don't mind losing it. It was never real. Keep it to someone else. Now why 99.99999% of the people are addicted to this kind of "love" and are afraid of losing it to the point they stop being themselves and act out someone they're not for their ENTIRE lives is beyond me.. Didn't Jesus tell you to forgive 77 times? Or do you not get what it means? It's not that complicated, really. It's not like they killed your kids. They made love (shared their love in communion) with someone FFS. And OMG it was not you when it can only be you, right? And they still ove you exactly the same. If my partner shares her love with someone else I love them the same. No reason to retaliate. If I share my love with someone else, same again, my love for you hasn't changed. No reason to retaliate. For what? It's all made up, it's a cultural construct, "cheating". It's been created and implanted in your mind when you watched all those soap operas. You've been brainwashed, it's not really natural. Or if you saw a dog humping another dog and then a different one and you saw the first humpee bite the humper because it "cheated" would that seem natural to you? It's laughable at best. Of course you could train a dog to do that but it would not be natural. Cultural conditioning.

KelleyNice · Accepted Answer

Both men and women are going to feel attractions to good looking members of the opposite sex. And, given an opportunity at the right time that leaves no doubt that the other will be agreeable, and with a near zero chance of discovery, most men and probably most women will act on it. Probably not every time but sometimes depending on their mood and the intensity of their sexual desires at the moment.

Modern times are just a flash in the pan compared to our millions of years long evolutionary history of the Stone Age so we still have our Stone Age brains. During the Stone Age the men that impregnanted the most women produced the most descendants and those are our male ancestors. And, except for the Alpha females that would already have the most desirable mates, women that produced the most LIVING descendants, would seek out and have sneaky sex with the men with the best genes.

100 percent faithful women that did not seek to have the best genes for their eggs are not our female ancestors. If women succeeded in getting pregnant by men with genes superior to their mates, just 10 percent of the time, that was more than sufficient for natural selection to choose women with those characteristics.

CubsterShura · Accepted Answer

I believe there is a difference between being able to tell someone is attractive and actually feeling some attraction yourself. Personally speaking when I'm in a relationship I just cannot feel attracted to other guys, it doesn't happen. Doesn't mean that I can't tell that this man is good looking or that guy has the personality of a keeper.

Sometimes we do end up around other attractive people if we ever interact with the world lol. If you happen to catch yourself looking at another woman that's not a problem, but if you intentionally keep looking that is a red flag.

SteveSmith1985 · Answer

Had to go with "A".

I don't know if much else needs to be said about my opinion on this, other than the addition that: "someone in a relationship should keep the fact of their attraction to someone else, to themselves".

Lliam · Answer

I find the sight of beautiful women delightful. I am no more conflicted about adoring them than I am at appreciating cute puppies, beautiful art, good food, flowers, landscapes or sunsets. All those things bring joy to life and are meant to be enjoyed. I can appreciate them without a desire to possess them.

My wife totally gets it. She also admires the human form. There are male actors and celebrities that she finds hot. She knows my favorites, too.

When we're out and about, she will even nudge me to point out a particularly impressive ass or set of tits. And I'll tease her when I notice a particularly hot guy.

When we're at the beach, we'll both gaze when a hot young women in a bikini roller skates by on the bike path.

One time, we were on a ferry boat in San Francisco Bay when a sail boat came very close. She grabbed my arm and pointed when two girls on the sail boat lifted their tops and flashed the passengers on our boat.

Last summer, we went to a frozen yogurt shop. Right in front of us in line were four young people (teens or early 20s). One girl was wearing a beach top that only covered the top of her ass. She must have been wearing a thong because it looked like her plump ass was naked. My wife and both looked at each other with raised eyebrows. I reached out and pretended like I was squeezing that bare, tender flesh and we both laughed silently.

My wife and I are totally loyal to each other, so there is no reason for jealousy. There is also no reason to pretend that eye candy is taboo.

DaveJord · Answer

So I just discussed this with my girlfriend. She love animals. We can't walk past a dog, cow or horse without her getting all googly over the animal. So I got caught checking out another girl. So I told her look every time we are out you see a dog you like you ask the owner if you can pet it. I mean your actually touching the other animal when you have two dogs at home, don't you think your dogs could get jealous if they knew you were petting strange dogs? SO said no, because her dogs are not like they they don't get jealous over that sort of thing.

And that was my point to her, I am 45 years old and we only been dating for 7 months. I spent 45 years of my life checking out other women... doesn't mean I am going to go touch them or try talking to them because I am with you, and your not jealous like that right?

It wasn't really that big of deal to her and she conceded the the point, even though dogs and people are not the same thing. Its apple and oranges on some level. But in the end it is not like I was being totally disrespectful to her or embarrassing her... I just got caught giving settle glance over my shoulder at a 25 year old in yoga pants... that was already past me and we never even made eye contact, and she had a nice ass. I am only human. Now if she honestly thought I would act on it then that is a different story and I would find that just as unattractive in her as she would in me.

Emerald55346 · Answer

Its about how far they think into it, personally when I see an attractive guy walk by of course I notice him but my mind doesn’t wander. I think that is where you can draw the line, the reason my mind would never wander is because i know who I love, who I go home to even when I’m going through hell with them. I think that’s a healthy form of commitment because the possibility for more happening when you think like that just isn’t there. If your the kind of person that fantasizes about the grass being greener or looks for easy ways out of a relationship in a hard time/ maybe even just for excitement would be reasons to take things farther than that, I think thats a red flag for persons overall character, people want to say certain things come naturally and it may seem that way but if you’re self aware and loyalty means a lot to you, you know when it’s healthy to shift your focus and where it should be shifted to.

meetkitty123 · Answer

Attraction isn't something that comes with an on and off button it's built into us we're going to have opinions on people's appearance within 3 seconds of seeing them now if we act like idiots and drool for the individual while we're in the presence of our so well that would be really stupid obviously we have to keep some sort of composure and most importantly if we are in a committed relationship we don't touch we don't over stare don't purposely put ourselves in situations where we would run into that person nor do we try to overly friendly get to know the person.

WhereIsMyMind · Answer

You'd have to be delusional to think that suddenly you're the only attractive person in your partner's eyes.

It's perfectly normal to find other people attractive, I would never get angry about that. I'd be the same.

What I don't want to hear is continuous comments about how hot someone is, or slyly slipping in to their DMs 'as a friend', which is something my ex used to do. We'd also be sat somewhere and he'd nudge me and point at a girl wearing revealing clothing and smirk to himself. Moronic behaviour. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Finding other people attractive is fine, just don't act on it or make your partner feel uncomfortable in any way.

Emiliamazing · Answer

There are millions of attractive people that we all encounter every day. We make a point to not make anything (notices, glances) obvious whatsoever, and we remain faithful to each other physically and mentally.

Wsx2wsx2ws · Answer

I have to say no attraction does not just suddenly poof for other women. But for me it was nothing so strong, just interesting.
I sit here and imagine my wife saying to me she finds such and such very attractive.
Hummmm.. few things come to mind.
1. It would twang a bit of jealousy (and if married a proper jealousy.)
2. a deeper trust and satisfaction because she told me straight up without fear.
3. an even deeper trust and satisfaction because I am the one she is still with.

0. I don't have a woman to even worry this about.

trumpets310 · Answer

Actions matter more than thoughts. Love is not just an infatuation you have with someone, it's a choice. Choosing to be loyal even if there's someone else hot in front of you is part of love. Although when I'm dating someone, she's definitely the hottest to me.

petitedollbabee · Answer

No, attraction to other people is normal. Whether you find someone’s physical appearance attractive, or their personality. But if you’re in a relationship you should have the ability to control yourself. There’s a reason why cheaters exist in the world - they have no self control or care for anyone but themselves.

Loveisgirthy · Answer

I like the healthy relationship where we can both gawk at some men and women together. It doesn't offend me to hear a woman talking about another man like she could jump on his dick right then and there, so as I can do the same about women and then we both laugh and hopefully feck the shit out of eachother because we're so horny. To me that's just mentally connective and reassuring that we're with the right person in probably the best healthiest ways. Then it becomes just fair appreciation of other people's physique and ongoing interaction for us. I like that.

HawkPerception · Answer

The first 2 options work for me. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you suddenly lose your attraction to the opposite sex. I would say I try my best to not make my partner feel uncomfortable and check out others when we're together though. I also don't flirt with others behind their back, but I do feel free to glance at others sometimes if they catch my eye. I'd appreciate if my partner did the same. Being faithful is all that really matters.

The_Shadow_Dweller · Answer

I don't think that to be the case.
Being physically attracted is different than taking actions based on those feeling right?

As long as you keep these feelings in control, I think, that you will be good to go.

Rules are what separates us from animals. Moral rules, societal rules, the obvious governmental rules.

I do not have any problem with it. Unless you take action based on those feelings.

Screenwriter · Answer

Human beings ALWAYS look at other human beings. Sometimes it's because they're attractive, other times it's because they're curious or interesting looking.

Only way to stop humans from staring at other humans is to blind them. THen there'd be a run on canes. ANOTHER fine mess...

Starlight007 · Answer

My partner can find other women to be beautiful, I will even tell him if i see a beautiful woman that wow she looks beautiful, admiring people who look great is not a crime at all and i love complimenting good looking people on their outfit choices even.

NZGirl07 · Answer

For my boyfriend and I, we acknowledge that some people are attractive in society but we are respectful of each other all the time. We don't try to check people out, we don't watch tiktoks that are thirst traps, would never go to a strip club etc. I am jealous by nature but I try to be reasonable.

AviatorTom · Answer

Answer A hits it right on the head. Just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't mean you can find others attractive. It's that you knowingly decide not to do anything about the attraction.

A girl I dated in college used to say, " I get worried if he doesn't look at cute girls, cuz I know what he's getting from me."

In a committed relationship, it's okay to look, just don't touch.

Anonymous · Answer

It’s mature, we look at things we like. So he can look (just like I can)…but he can’t act on it! Same goes for me. I know it’s not possible to not look, but it’s my choice to act on it or not and think how my decisions can hurt the feelings of someone I have a relationship with.

mandyfire98 · Answer

No, because you can't just magically stop noticing attractive people. Now acting on it is completely different.

JustAnj · Answer

If you mean simply noticing someone is attractive over feeling attracted to someone.

The first I would say is basically noticing and I would acknowledge and notice someone is attractive but it would be taking it to far if my partner becomes attracted.

If the second became an issue it would have to be a conversation for both of us to have a to see if there is a issue with in the relationship that is causing these feelings and how to resolve them.

wheresmrcunnunglis · Answer

Voted A for sure. Its all about what actions are being done outside the attraction such as, whether they try to flirt with said person they're physically attracted to, get closer to them, etc.

HighlyVolatile · Answer

No way! Have you all seen Hugh Jackman? He's 6'3 and jacked as well as extremely charismatic. My wife is supposed to find him attractive. But she's also supposed to have values that leave her stuck with me.

belle_kai · Answer

No, people will naturally be attracted its human nature but one should have respect for their partner and not eyeball someone around them or in general i don't think its a good look when someone can't control their eyes or mouth single or not. It's about respect ultimately

prosmind · Answer

Sometimes it happens that while sitting with my girlfriend or watching pics, I comment on dress, beauty, sexy figures of a girl. Luckily my girlfriend doesn't mind it and also offers her own comments, including about guys. Being a temporary moment we later forget.

crossdressingrihno · Answer

Personally if I'm in a relationship with someone and they find someone else attractive that doesn't bother me. I mean as long as they remain faithful and continue to love me I won't have an issue with it.

inquisitivequeen · Answer

I chose that opinion because, when you’re in a relationship it’s not like your mind turns everyone else into ugly trolls. As long as you aren’t being disrespectful or pursuing, or acting on that, then there should be no issue.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm in a committed relationship with a lesbian that only likes my phallus. She's snogged other women and maybe I'm holding out that she'd bring another dame in. I've seriously considered that I'm holding her back from enjoying muffing some hairy clams. It's becoming easier to rationalize dissolving the union to let her go and do that.

Sparkie460 · Answer

I know my wife is attracted to certain guys but she would never act on it. She also knows in attracted to women but I wouldn't act on it either. My moto is, I can look at the menu, I can order from it but I can't eat what is put in front of me.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I honestly don't know, since I've never been in a relationship before.

But I can tell you what I think.

I think that people CAN be attracted to other people, and that's normal. But think that what it comes down to is what you decide to do with that attraction. Do you dwell on it; or do you acknowledge it, laugh, and move on?
(The appropriate thing to do would be the latter.)

Jamesshinobi · Answer

its natural but if you have any respect for your partner nobody will ever know that you are attracted to anyone else.

maximumpower · Answer

committed relationship is not about control, it's about respect and - to a certain extent - business.
physical attraction is just that.
those who fixate on controlling who someone finds attractive too often learn too late that it's rarely possible.

Twalli · Answer

I am physically attracted to other people, and not all of them are celebrities. My girlfriend knows this. She also knows who some of them are, as they're friends. She doesn't care since she knows I won't do anything about the attraction. I had a crush on her and another girl before I asked her out. The other crush didn't go away just becuase I got a girlfriend.

VanillaSalt · Answer

Had to say a but disagree with it being purely physical. It’s also chemical and emotional. These are important as well as you can emotionally cheat. The equivalent of chemical cheating to me is porn. It’s best to get your dopamine hits from your partner rather then a face on a screen doing the next crude thing. Porns dangerous.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Well at least not blatantly obvious, such as staring or cat calling.

RobT312 · Answer

It’s normal to be attracted to other people, it’s human nature. but if you are committed and satisfied in a relationship, chances are you have no interest acting on other physical attractions

mermaidcancermoon · Answer

It annoys me, but I wouldn't complain much. Blatantly staring at others while in my presence is just rude. What if I stared and smiled at other men?

Vide_Noir · Answer

Everyone will notice how others look. It's a matter of if they go out of their way to check out others are keep their eyes on them that would be the issue.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I mean that’s something that’s realistically out of our control. As long as they aren’t acting on it I’m not gonna worry about it.

Crankor · Answer

You can't prevent someone finding another attractive just from being in a relationship. I always say, it's more about what are the thoughts after seeing such.

Agape93 · Answer

No, that's against human nature and biology. What matters is if you trust them and they're worthy of that trust

worldscolide · Answer

Its never a betrayal to say that you find someone attractive in a relationship.. Its what you do with it that matters.

Rebecka33 · Answer

Absolutely not in fact I pointed put girls I felt he'd be good with if something happened to me and they aren't ugly

LovingLoverReturned · Answer

Not surprising. Lots of toxic people for relationships here. 🙃

exitseven · Answer

I pick A. People are visually oriented and noticing an attractive person is just natural. AS long as you look and don;t touch.

Likes2drive · Answer

I voted A , as long as no one acts on it, what we are attracted to doesn’t shut off but women act like they don’t notice attractive men when in a relationship when they just don’t make it obvious

Texaskid1 · Answer

No.  I have lost count of how many married people I have seen throw themselves on some other person that they found attractive.

Hairylegs222 · Answer

Yes, that's how I am in a relationship. Only focus on her. Don't care about other women when I have her.

Anonymous · Answer

If someone needs this explained to them they're not ready for a relationship.

WhiteBoyChill · Answer

To be honest. I’d be flattered if any girl got with me knowing there are other guys who are more attractive.

Anonymous · Answer

I think that if you like someone else then you need to say it. If you are really in love nobody else will really matter... Trust me I know

Creampiekarl420 · Answer

Boys will be boys and a man doesn’t stop being a man because he is married

tartaarsaus · Answer

I don’t really think very basic physical attraction is something one has very strong control over

EaterPeter · Answer

They should admit that to someone at least. That helps calm down those feelings. Keeping secret can coz big problem.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

I see a lot of people voted for A. If someone is looking and feeling attraction to others that means they are NOT happy in the relationship and looking for YOUR replacement.

Don't need to be a brain surgeon to comprehend something so pathetically simple.

MountAverage · Answer

A and B are reasonable. C is acceptable. D is unreasonable. E is crazy. F is insanity.

Mangospacho · Answer

I still notice attractive women but I’m not interested in anything else beyond that.

DiamondsReal · Answer

I mean they shouldn't, but you can't control where their eyes wonder or see.

DiegoO · Answer

For someone controlling, perhaps. For me it means been upfront, clear, honest and faithful.

AFretiredTXn · Answer

I am attracted to a lot over the years, but I'm still married to one.

Xtendable · Answer

I voted A - often my girlfriend and I will people watch and check out people together

Does being in a committed relationship mean that your partner should never be physically attracted to anyone else?

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