If a cheater begs to be taken back isn't that manipulative and selfish?

[ChicanaChick]

It happened to my older sister. It's a good thing she slammed the door on his face and blocked him. She hasn't spoken to him in over 4 years.

But he was begging to be taken back (bombarding her email, cell with calls, texts, etc), even came to her house with her favorite flower (Carnations) and shoes. She actually was offended that he put all that effort only to be taken back and never did that during happy moments in their relationship. She didn't understand why it has to take cheating to do that.

Seriously if a cheater continues begging for another chance, to be taken back isn't that already being manipulative and selfish? They're only thinking of themselves at that moment and not the ex partner's feeling, what the other person actually wants.

Updates

1 y

It's ok an ''ok you want to be taken back but what about them, you're not letting them decide... let them choose what they want without begging''.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Anyone who agrees to keep dating a cheater is going to be cheated on again.

Cheaters don't change, don't improve, and don't care that what they did is wrong. It's why they did it in the first place.

I don't see value in ascribing "manipulative" or "selfish" to a cheater. Cheating is both of those things, it stands to reason of course a cheater is thus manipulative AND selfish.

Your sister is very practical and justified in slamming the door on this fool.

Cheaters will always keep going with cheating. It's extremely rare to find someone who's capable of changing, but begging to be taken back isn't acceptance or change. It's begging to get back with someone you know will keep letting you cheat and taking you back.

No self-respecting person should take back a cheater.

[ChicanaChick]

Exactly. Cheaters are a waste of time. If they already failed at the dating stage in the relationship, then they won't change if it were to progress towards marriage.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Yup.

A cheater wanting to get back with someone is 9/10 so they can cheat again because they know their "partner" will let them.

The 1/10 actually recognize they have a problem and get therapy. I only know one person who's successfully (so far) avoided going back to cheating. He immediately went to therapy and it turned out a lot of his cheating habits were rooted in trauma - healing from that helped him stop.

But 99.99% (more than 9/10, ok) of cheaters are cowards. It's why they cheat instead of breaking up. They wouldn't do the healing work (or it isn't a case of trauma they're just nymphos).

Cheaters are worthless.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

Nope. It's an end all for me. You had my full trust, betrayed it & now it's gone forever.

[ChicanaChick]

yeah that's how it was for my sister. She couldn't ever trust him again and whatever love she had for him, disappeared when he cheated. Him trying to win her back by giving her gifts was seen as an insult for her.

[ElementoP]

My advice for older adults is different than for people in their early 20s in regards to cheating. Just hear me out...

If they're older than 25 and they cheat, chances are they'll do it again, but it's different for younger people.
In your early 20s, sex is everything. You don't wanna "waste your youth", you're still kinda dumb and immature and especially for guys getting around a lot is cred mark. You can be a 23 year old cheater, but a few years later your brain has changed a lot. You've grown up and realized that's not who you are.
If he's younger than 25, there's still hope for him

[U4ea0]

This doesn't apply to women as studied have shown she is over 90% likely to do it again. Even 20 years later. These women need to be branded or something.

[U4ea0]

You should never take a cheater back. Keep in mind that this wasn't a mistake. They made a conscious, willful choice to betray you.

[Pinay_ako]

When they decided to jump on someone’s dick or let someone jump on their dick, they obviously were thinking with the thing between their legs not their hearts. Just leave me and hurt someone else. Never ever let anyone hurt you twice!

[Belgie]

Not necessarily. True remorse can look like manipulation. And the fact that the person who was cheated on didn't necessarily spot the cheating, shows that they are not very good at picking up on subtle things in addition to the fact that they may be too angry to make an objective judgement.

It's almost certainly safer to never take a cheater back, but no rule is 100% and I think cheating cases should be evaluated on a case by case basis, usually with the help of your friends or family who might have some objectivity that you lack but they still absolutely have your best interests at heart.

[worldscolide]

That's the thing with cheaters, they want the security of a relationship, but want to fuck who ever they want, they are selfish, narcissistic pieces of shit, they have no empathy, no soul. They only regret getting caught, thry do not care if they hurt the person they are with... So, yeah I agree with you.

[ChicanaChick]

yeah all they think about themselves... it's all about them and what they want, not what their partner wants

[worldscolide]

Yes exactly. Yet the vast majority of women on here defend their despicable behavior.
True or false, a person who cheats on you cannot love you and have sex with someone else at the same time? ↗

[Moose304]

My opinion on this subject is not very popular. I am always getting you are wrong and full of shit replies. Mostly from people who say they did cheat once but won't do it again. When I use the word moral, I am NOT talking about religious morals. A cheater has a flaw in their morals. Oh, yes they can "change", but that flaw is still there. I liken cheating to a chain. The act is the last link in that chain. People with morals can and DO break that chain. One of my good female friends become attracted to another man while married. She did not cheat. She got her husband to agree their marriage was dead and they separated and divorced and in fact are still friendly. A cheater can cheat again if the right circumstances are present. I don't EVER recommend you take them back. You don't need the grief.

[U4ea0]

There was a study that showed men who cheat "only" reoffend about 45% of the time. And when they do cheat, it's actually very rare that they run off with another woman. Women who chest and get caught will reoffend again about 90% of the time. And it is a near certainty they will run off with this gut or another within a couple of years.

[Moose304]

@U4ea0 I'm not going to start an argument, but when it comes to human behavior I don't generally trust a study. Simply because people can and often do lie. However, remember my point. A person male or female that cheats DOES have a moral flaw. By the time a human is 4 years old, it is said almost 90% of their personality has formed. What has to happen is the same set of circumstances and in most all cases they will cheat again. Let me ask you a question! If you know for a fact a 16-year-old kid next door is a PROVEN thief, would you trust him alone with your wallet while you are doing something like taking a bath? Three types of humans I hate. A liar, a thief, and someone that cheats. I will not allow such people in my home and I will NOT break bread with them. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it!

[Luopio27]

Love and logic rarely walk hand in hand. Feelings towards cheaters has so many changing variables, like was the person drunk, on meds or something else. Is the relationship worth a second chance? How did the cheating factor came up, confession or caught by the partner or a third party?


These are just few of the many questions needed to know if it is manipulation or desperation to get back.


But in the end, the decision has to be left as a choice, without any effort to change the mind of who is cheated on.

[U4ea0]

Bullshit. They can't use being drink or on drugs. Keep in mind that you have to be in a fairly private place to engage in sex. Nothing ever just happens. They were someplace they should never have been. They have to go.

[Luopio27]

Fair point. It takes the will of two to have sex in a private place.

[lightbulb27]

Sure seems like it. But what’s the point of the question?


There may be other ways to handle it than closing the door that bring a better closure. The problem is without understanding then there is unresolved questions which might lead to fear and avoidance of dating again or projecting fear onto next person.

[JakeS00]

Cheating is comprised of being selfish and making the choice to do it. That's what cheating is about. Only sometimes can they acknowledge their "mistake" and a couple is able to move forward. But I wouldn't dare try. At this point, for someone who cheats on you, it's your choice to forgive and move forward, or forgive and leave it. I think he's been harassing and showing his true colors more than instead of the above you described as "manipulative and selfish."

[PamelaRivers]

I can hear something my dad told me (a lot) when I was younger when I read this post. It's a saying of his, I forget where he said he heard it first.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Just saying.

[PamelaRivers]

Sorry that didn't answer your question. It is for sure selfish, clearly says they want to keep one person strung along while having the door open to mess around with others also.

[Savannah194]

@pamelarivers I agree and had that happen. your very beautiful by the way kisses Savannah😋

[PamelaRivers]

@Savannah194 thank you *hugs*

[Savannah194]

@pamelarivers your welcome sweetie

[MrJMM]

Taking back cheaters is a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. Did I mention no?

[ChicanaChick]

yup... a kick to the curb

[grega239]

People who cheat and then beg forgiveness have some nerve to do so

[ChicanaChick]

Even worse... people who cheat, beg forgiveness and then try winning you back with gifts they never gave you during great times in the relationships.

[CuteExplorer499]

Never take back someone who cheats. That’s always been my rule.

[dustybiker]

It doesn’t matter. They chose to leave they are already gone.

[Spiritofn]

Is a kid that is the most intelligent and worked the hardest not entitled to ask for a higher grade on a test or should he just let it go…?

[ChicanaChick]

That's a hard comparison. Doing a good deed and working hard for it is a good reason to ask for a raise. If you studied hard for a test, your answers are correct and instead of an A, you were mistakenly given a B, then yes you can ask for the higher grade.
Doing a bad deed, destroying someone's trust doesn't deserve anything but a kick to the curb. The whole asking for forgiveness and giving them gifts you never care about during happy moments in the relationship (when everything was ok) is an insult.

[ChicanaChick]

**That's a bad comparison

[Spiritofn]

So a man that went head over heals and had a slip up maybe in the grey area of lyfe not worthy, again?

So society has put a higher value on perfection vs reality again I see….

[ChicanaChick]

That's not a slip. That's a conscious decision to be with someone else. By involving a 3rd party (cheating), you already said your good bye to the relationship and said there is nothing to work out. You were cowardly enough not to leave and instead lie that everything is ok and cheat.

[Twalli]

Sometimes people realize they messed up, but usually only if they were dumped. Don't expect the person who dumped you to change and fo running back to you as a whole new person

[CallmeTheKnight]

Basically. They know what they did was wrong and no accident. They gonna just hurt you again

[FilmGuy93]

Well yeah... but selfishness is kind of the entire point of cheaters.

[Wise4myage]

Yes and its not ok to give a cheater a second chance.

[ChicanaChick]

Exactly. If there is something we (neither me nor my sister, brother, nor mother) don't forgive in a partner is cheating.
It's interesting how they're selfish when they placed their own moments of pleasure above their partner's feelings and continue being selfish when asking for another chance, that's again disregarding the person's feelings.

[VV3ZZY]

Cheaters are. Has nothing to do with how they react to being broken up with.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

As long as they don't force then it's not. It's up to you if you want to take them back or not.

[Anonymous]

If anyone asks for anything ever isn't that manipulative and selfish?

[ChicanaChick]

It depends on what's being asked, if it's for a good cause, worthy, etc.
- Asking for a raise after years of hard work at your job and getting recognized by your boss and others. Yes
- Asking for your exam to be given the correct grade after a teacher made a mistake and instead of an A, puts a B. Yes
- A woman asking where does the relationship stands after everything is great, she's been with him for 4+ years, there is no financial crisis, provided both are ready to tie the knot and have kids. Yes

In this case, a cheater has destroyed your trust, the relationship, your love, lied, placed their own needs ahead of your feelings, etc. They don't deserve to ask for the relationship to continue nor even give you a gift. Screw them.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you need to check your definitions of "manipulative" and "selfish". You're mentioning a few things that have nothing to do with either one.

[ChicanaChick]

Nope I answered your question in which you asked if anyone asking for ''anything ever'' is manipulative and selfish. Nope, not everything.
However, a cheater asking to be taken back and trying to win you over with gifts... yes that is manipulative and selfish.