Boyfriend has past relationship trauma?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has a LOT of past relationship trauma. Manipulation, jealousy, not trusting him, etc. I keep telling him I’m not like that, I won’t get upset over that, you don’t have to worry about that, etc. He sees that I’m not like that and knows but the trauma is there and he can’t get past it. How do I show him that he doesn’t need to be afraid or nervous and that I’m not like that?

[Anonymous]

I literally just got out of that exact place before meeting my amazing, wonderful, supportive girlfriend of almost 3 years now... I'll be honest, it's a hard hurdle to overcome. The years of jealousy and manipulation had me on eggshells at all times. Couldn't have female friends, not even my lesbian friend or my older buddy that I often call "Mom"... stopped visiting me at work because I worked with girls that she thought were prettier than her... she'd talk ALLL kinds of nasty shit about them (even though she didn't know them) and all women really... how she trusted me, but she doesn't trust "them"... I'd have an anxiety attack every time we went to the super market, or any store, and there was a girl at the checkout counter, pretty or not, I'd just be freaking the fuck out. "Am I making too much eye contact? Does it look like I'm trying too hard NOT to look at this person? Just look natural, but what's natural?" For so long I thought the problem was me, so a lot of that fucked up mindset kind of imprints on you until you can unlearn it. I'd snap at my current girlfriend about something she said, thinking it was this manipulation behavior, but this fucking angel of a woman has always been so patient with me.. she just looks at me confused and repeats herself in a different tone.. like "no honey, I just want such and such and I need your opinion for such and such" I can't even think of an example because it was almost like I wasn't hearing what she was saying, I was trying to decipher what my brain thought was the double speak manipulation language that I was used to... something in the way she spoke would sometimes make me have almost like these ptsd moments. I remember one time, she actually looked at me and said "I'm not your fucking ex" but with no hatred in her voice, just disappointment. That was the last time I let those feeling get in the way, because I realised that my past pain was causing her pain in the present... On the jealousy side of things, what helped with that was her sheer confidence and complete lack of jealousy. She's bi and sometimes is so taken by a womans body that she's actually grabbed my head and forced me to check this person out xD she's just so carefree, but I know she really loves me. She makes me feel so special and loved. I dont know what I did to deserve her


WOW, that was a lot of rambling... I kinda had a moment there... is your boyfriend going through something similar to this? Lol

[Asker]

Yes lol! That sounds exactly like him. I’m trying to think of examples. Like he’s terrified to just lay in bed with me each of us doing our own things like scrolling through our phones because he’s afraid I’m gonna think he’s texting another girl or watching porn. He’s constantly checking in on me to make sure he didn’t make me upset or mad. He’ll start to say something then will stop afraid I’ll get upset. When we’re out in public he’ll quickly look away if we pass another female. Afraid I’ll get upset if he “looked”. Tho like your girlfriend I’m bi too and will gladly look with him.

[Opinion Owner]

Yup! Every single one of those I've experienced myself too. I've only recently felt safe enough to put a lock on my phone, because if I had a lock with my ex I must have been hiding something. And I've been with my current girlfriend for almost 3 years now too. A lot of it is time and patience. He will see over time that you're a different kind of person. That you react wholly different in these same situations that would normally be a problem. Maybe even try to push his boundaries a little bit from time to time. I'm not sure if it was even on purpose or not, but something as simple as my girlfriend complimenting another womans beauty loosened me up quite a bit. Everyone prettier than my ex must have also been trashy, in her mind (x so maybe her being secure enough to compliment someone's looks made me feel more safe with her.

I also read this amazing book, that I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about... it's called "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne. It taught me a lot about what it means to be a man. Being raised by a single mom didn't do me any favors in that regard. I learned that I should have never even allowed that behavior to poison me from the start. I should have been secure enough in myself to know that wasn't healthy behavior and try not to become this needy pleaser-type that I was turning into. It's a book about understanding what it means to be a man, understanding women, and understanding relationships. It's a great read. I dont 100% agree with everything he says, but I do think a lot of it helped me grow as a man

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do. I’m in the same situation. Girlfriend was an alcoholic manipulative abuser and cheater. I almost lost all respect for women in general. I think only thing that helps is time and love and affection from a new partner. Just keep doing what you are doing. Hold him. Cuddle him. Assure him. However long it takes. Eventually he will come out his shell and recover. He may even marry you for helping him heal. My issue is he probably should have just done more recovery before getting into another relationship. He was damaged and hurt and hasn’t recovered and for some reason brings that baggage to a new person. If you are ok with that then I wish you the best luck. I’d rather stay single, workout, learn new things, become a stronger better person for a few years.

[Anonymous]

This is probably something that you will resist and everyone’s views are different, but if he hasn’t recovered from a bad breakup then he’s probably better single while he heals it. I’m sure the separation route is a big no for you especially if you like him a bunch, but the thing about people like him with so much baggage is that you will always be paying for what his ex did. You will always be trying to prove yourself, gain his trust, show you’re different, etc etc, when you’ve done nothing to hurt him and that’s not only exhausting but it’s unfair. Why? Because I bet you haven’t done that to him, and wouldn’t do it. You can’t fix his struggles, only he can, and until then, he’s not in the position to be a proper boyfriend to you or anyone else until he genuinely addresses that pain. He will only keep dragging his ex from relationship to relationship, and never be able to give you a genuine shot because he’s destroying your relationship before it gets to thrive.

[Agagagagaga]

Cool so he’ll just stay single and alone while he “works on himself.” Whatever the fuck that means. Because God knows isolation does wonders for someone’s mental health and beliefs about others.

[Opinion Owner]

Being single is not isolation sir, but it does do wonders for someone who is still reeling from a bad breakup and needs to heal from the trauma their ex caused. As I said in the beginning of my statement, everyone has different views, but personally when I enter a new relationship I’d rather not do it with deep trust issues and insecurities. Because why is it fair or ok for me to dump those issues onto someone who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it? Why should they have verbally and physically say over and over and over that they won’t hurt me? In your narrative you are so worried about isolation and being single that you’d so selfishly hurt someone else with unwarranted accusations, arguments and gaslighting, because you fear what they’re doing when they’re not in your sights? Personally, I wouldn’t do that to anyone. Everyone goes through a bad breakup in their lives, but what everyone does not do is cling their broken selves onto a new person like a buoy, and decide that this person will unknowingly be signed up to deal with days, months, weeks or years or trauma, because they didn’t heal their own.

[MzAsh]

You can’t. It’s not your job to prove anything to him outside of being who you are and being a good person to him.

[sheikalana]

Be supportive. It takes time to get over certain insecurities. Just be there for him and show him how great of a girlfriend you are. Don't put too much pressure on yourself because he also needs to do some work in order to surpass his insecurities.

[WhitneySnow]

Just keep showing him that you’re not like her. Eventually it’ll sink in. But be patient with him. Trauma is hard to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Be patient. A wound doesn't heal over night. Or run for the hills and confirm everything he suspects about you. Choice is yours.

[jimmy2]

Be careful honey life can really suck

[Anonymous]

time