My boyfriend (28) cannot stop lying to me (22). We have been together nearly 2 years, and I love him dearly. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

He provides everything - bills (phone, food etc.), and a stable home after I left my abusive family. I first found out he had an issue with lying 2 months in (he lied about the last time he saw a girl before we were together. However, since it was about his past, I let it go)

The next lie was about prostitutes in the past. He kept saying it was only 3 times, but I always said I think he is lying, and he would make me feel so bad. A year later (during an argument) he said that actually he had seen 30+. I felt like I didn't know him. I said I'm done because I'm sick of the lies. Even before that there were always stories he told of his life that were never consistent

The breakup was 2 weeks. He sent a huge apology saying he was ashamed of himself and ready to tell the truth. Some time later I was trying to explore the topic and he said he never told me he was ashamed, and when I showed the text he was trying to squirm out of it saying he didn't mean he was ashamed of himself but the behaviour

I begged him to tell the full truth, and he said he did. This happened multiple times over weeks, and it would always turn out there was something else he didn't say - like a "work friend" being someone that he had slept with in the past, or not telling me that for his work trip he shared a room (not bed) with a female colleague, or that in the 2 weeks of us not being together he tried to sleep with someone in secret but "didn't do it" despite begging me not to see anyone, and to be open with him if I planned to. Nowadays when I get suspicious of him and grill him he catches an attitude, and got mad cause I called his mum to verify a story. I feel insane

He is starting therapy, so I wonder if I am giving up easily because nobody is perfect, and this is what love is. He says he doesn't doesn't know why he lies, but he seems genuinely remorseful. I only want him & feel worse to think he could change after therapy and be an honest to someone else

[Adam_INTJ]

Draw a boundary. Tell your friends what it is.

If you don't have friends, dump him right now. Make the call. Abusive guys isolate you from friends, and that's dangerous. You could be a couple weeks away from the emergency room.

Anyway, so in deciding a boundary, I'd suggest cheating again is a violation of boundaries tgat warrants a breakup. It seems like you're not as concerned about the lying as the cheating. If he slept with 15 exes in 2020, but never lied about it to you, I don't think you'd feel better. You want loyalty more than honesty. But I don't know. That's why you need to draw your own boundary.

So, I think you should tell your friends to hold you accountable to dump him if he cheats again. Decide on a boundary--but once you decide, there's no going back. That's the point of having it to begin with. There's no point to a wall if it doesn't stop anything from passing.

If he cheats on you, and you've told your friends that you would break up with him if he cheats, then you should break up. It doesn't matter how much you love him later or how much he apologizes. Draw the boundary. Tell him. Make sure he knows that you'llbreak up over lying, cheating, or whatever you decide. Tell your friends about your decision. Start taking yourself seriously, and ask your friends to help you take your own boundaries seriously.

So if you you take my suggestion and set up the boundary of cheating = breakup Then him cheating can result in one of two things:

1. You break up with him as soon as you find out he crossed the boundary.
2. You refuse to break up because of feelings. Then your friends, out of care for you, pressure you to keep your boundary and break up with him. Maybe they go as far as to ghost you until you to do the right thing.

That boundary can be whatever you want, though. Just puth thought into it, and don't put off making it. Maybe it's any more lies about anything. Maybe it's something else.

So if you like this advise. Close the app, then write a message to your closest friend, and tell her that you want to talk about being accountable to keep boundaries with your boyfriend. Then hit send. Do it now.

Also, aside from that, get financially independent. You don't want to be in a position where you need to break up with a guy who you depend on for most things.

If you don't have a job, get a job.
If you have a job, put on you big girl pants and ask for a raise.
Get better at budgeting and saving money for when you really need it.

[hahahmm]

Everything you're upset about occurred before you were even in a relationship with him? Then you're being ridiculous. You should judge a person based on the current character & actions. You shouldn't even be asking a person about their past unless it's something that would DIRECTLY affect the current relationship. For example if he has kids or got HIV x years ago, that affects you potentially.

I'm not saying that lying is good BUT if a man asks a woman her weight or bodycount 99% chance she's going to lie. And I'm sure you would say it's not a big deal when she lies about that. Far as prostitutes, no I never paid one but almost every soldier in Vietnam and WWII banged hookers. Did that make them bad people? Nope. And today's average woman is so shallow, all she has to offer IS sex. It's just like banging a prostitute except you're not knowingly handing over cash for sex. Maybe ask your next boyfriend how many of his exes weren't worth being with. He probably spent more on them than guys spend on hookers.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to get another boyfriend. Just saying, the past is the past... unless the person's behavior says otherwise.

Trust is important... but build trust based on current things.

[hahahmm]

See my Mytake A Note On Giving Trust ↗

[Asker]

Well you definitely sound a bit like an Incel to say all women can offer is sex, and no I have never lied about my weight or bodycount and the (female) friends I know would agree that's pretty immoral and a really stupid thing to lie about. Maybe that's true of the women you deal with.

But if you read my question he is actually lying in the present too, and I expressed nothing on my personal view of prostitutes. My issue is if it's something that is "irrelevant" (i. e the past) Why lie? I also think that whilst it is wrong to ruminate and excessively focus on the past it is completely untrue to say it doesn't matter at all, otherwise why would criminal records exist? Yes I don't need to know every little detail, but as I've now learned the hard way the notable things that people have done in the past (I. e addictions to reckless sex) can reappear in the present. As an update to my question -it did turn out that he really was seeing people in secret when he said he didn't.

Also as. a final point... A lot of women were taken advantage of and raped by soldiers.. This is a common fact in history so it's actually not a good example to prove your point. Just because lots of people do it, doesn't make it ok - and a lot of those soldiers were married. Women who turn to prostitution in third world countries are rarely doing it because they just enjoy sex. But thanks for taking the time to give your advice, and also your Mytake. I'll definitely give it a read!

[hahahmm]

I wrote: "And today's average woman is so shallow, all she has to offer IS sex". You then translated that to, "all women can offer is sex". Far as women lying about weight you can google it... "A 2011 survey shows that, in fact, 70 percent of women lie about their weight in some way." I guess the researchers who said exactly what I said must be incel too. Far as your "he's lying in the present" -- No I didn't read that far because you complaining about him lying about his past in ways women lie all the time sounded like your whole relationship is a wrap anyhow.

"A lot of women were taken advantage of and raped by soldiers.. This is a common fact in history so it's actually not a good example to prove your point." Which has nothing to do with what I was talking about or what you said your boyfriend admitted to. The topic was prostitution. Not rape.. such as the Russian army was well known for when it went into Germany. If I wanted to talk about dudes raping women I would have brought that up. Although if a woman wants to claim that a soldier paying for sex is the same as rape it reminds me of why male soldiers should never fight for womens rights as happened in Afghanistan. Let tens of thousands of women become front line soldiers and fight for rights they will never appreciate a man for if he sacrificed his life for the same thing.

Far as your relationship: it's a wrap. You are just afraid of leaving the guy because you think you can't do better. You need therapy! Regardless of whether he's done you wrong or not.

[Marniboo]

Wow 5hat is the most shallow narcissistic reply I've ever witnessed... and very thoughtless.. smh

[Jennyjenjen_420]

Lmfao… Shallow? In my experience women are not the shallows ones. Men USE women for sex and toss them away as if their only worth is nothing more than sex. Prime example are hookers and prostitution, men pay to have sex with them and the only thing those hookers and prostitutes care about is the money, not even the sex. Men always say (and quite frankly it’s just become an excuse) that men have an instinct to “spread their seed”, well women have a need to procreate. Also, in your original reply you said 99% chance that women don’t tell their true body count then go onto say that it’s 70%, which is it? Women offer way more than sex but if you aren’t worth more than sex or they don’t think you are going to be a good relationship material then perhaps some women will use the man for sex and nothing more but that’s not anything less than what men do to women. Regardless, using men and/or women for sex IS shallow. And say you did just imply that all women can offer is sex which is far from the truth. Obviously you have t experienced a woman you find worth more than sex and that only shows your shallow character because we are all around. A true woman who knows her worth won’t jump into your bed right away and let me guess that’s all you care about is how fast you can get the woman into your bed. That’s what is shallow.

[hahahmm]

@Jennyjenjen_420 Some women offer more than sex. Most do not these days. That's because men don't care about a lot of the things women CLAIM should have value to men. Just like men cannot dictate to woman what is valuable to her, women cannot force/make men value things we don't. Men don't care if you have a degree or how much money you earn. A lot of women think these things are valuable to men because women themselves value those things in men. Just for example. A quality dude DOES value more than sex but that doesn't mean a woman has what he values just because she's a woman! A woman who demonstrates self-respect & self-control is way more likely to find a guy who values those things and who takes her seriously but many women don't want to hear this because they want to do any & everything & taken men's opinions/preferences for granted. So it is what it is.

[hahahmm]

@Jennyjenjen_420 Also spare me with the idea that every woman who a guy has sex with and doesn't want more from is a victim. Women can spend more time picking guys who want more than sex, and less time having sex with every dude who wants sex & the outcome will be different. A man with half a clue can see how many women act like all they want is sex and then later on switch to claiming the guy used them because he wasn't impressed by what she had to offer so he moved on. Funny how it's okay when women do it to men tho!

[hahahmm]

@Marniboo Of course it's different than what you're used to because you listen to soy boys and guys without balls who just tell you what they think you want to hear in a deluded attempt to make themselves more attracted to you. Speaking of which, studies have shown that women - including feminists - prefer sexist dudes over soft, sniveling soy boys. Not that real men really care whether you like them or not. It's just interesting how women like you have all these soft boys fooled.

[hahahmm]

@Marniboo *attractive

[Jennyjenjen_420]

It’s quite interesting how you contradict almost every male on here lol 😂… also I never said that women who look for just sex in males and nothing more are victims nor did I say that was a good thing. That was your own mentality but to say ALL women do this and do that is what I have a problem with because just like males, not every woman is the same. To put ALL of us in a certain category is wrong and vice versa. You cannot sit here as a male and tell us what women do just as much as I cannot sit here as a woman and you anyone of you what males do. I’m not a male and you are not a female. We can play off of our experiences but that is small compared to a broad spectrum of males and females that we haven’t experienced yet. If you want to continue to look down upon women, I can only tell you what will happen from a woman’s perspective and it won’t be pretty for you. You can sit here and bash women all you want to for what you think you know of women (when you really have zero clue the way women think and it shows) but I can guarantee you will continue to find the same women you talk about versus finding a good woman who doesn’t do what you think women do. You are not in the mind of a woman as much as I am not in the mind of a man. You cannot tell me how women think as much as I cannot tell you how men think. Again we can only play off of our experiences. As I try to broaden my horizon about men I encourage you to do the same about women. So please don’t sit there and stereotype women and put them all in the same category it’s unfair to us good women as much as it is unfair to good men.

[Anonymous]

Sis, I just got a same guy like you mentioned. All qualities are exactly matching the guy who proposed me. I rejected him right away because I don't want to accept his past. I don't see anything that I should stop judging him because he did wrong by sleeping with other girls as he mentioned me after many days after I forcing him to tell me the truth. He lied to me same like he did for you. But the bravest thing I have done was not to accept him as my boyfriend. Now I'm happy with my life and saved my love for someone who deserves me. I removed this guy out of my life even though he seemed nice to me because that's what cheaters do. They don't stop cheating on girls if they have lying issues, multiple partners past. These kind of guys should stay with any of their previous partners but not new ones. These guys just look for new ones to fulfill their desires. But when they fulfill it from you they will look into next targeted girl and cheat on you with her since they don't like to hurt you by telling you the truth and they don't like to hurt themselves from stopping cheating or lying either. They want multiple partners. They want to maintain secret relations back of you if they feel you will get hurt by knowing the truth. They just hide the truth but never stops cheating on you. They act nice to you and talk sweet words to you in the intention to deceive you. Honestly, I would never trust these kind of guys who lies, maintains multiple relations and yeah, I do care about his past. If he had multiple girlfriends, it would be a biggest turn off to me as he cannot be trusted automatically. He should stay with any of his ex

[420Rachel]

With him being such a consistent lier, it's honestly impossible to know what has really been truth and what has really been lies. I could not trust a person like that, not at all. You just don't know whether or not he's been cheating on you, and who knows what else? Get out of there girl, you can't trust this man. Unless he REALLY turns over a new leaf and proves that he has started telling the truth, then this will only bring you misery. I believe you should end this relationship. And perhaps in doing so it will teach him a lesson and help him to better himself for the future.

[Chikky]

He sounds like a manipulative partner. I'll advice you to leave but we women find excuses to stay. Well it all boils down to your own decision. Leave or stay

[Pinay_ako]

Liars don’t change. He’s comforting you with lies that’s why you want to give him multiple chances but he’s never going to change..

[MzAsh]

Habitual liar. He can’t be trusted. You would be wise to leave him behind and get on your own two feet.

[RavVid]

Seems unlikely to change to me if to lie is an ingrained habit. It could be that he wasn't allowed much privacy as a child and was always grilled by his mum. It might be he is not proud of some of the things he has done and wants to minimize. I suspect it has become an automatic response to tell you what you will find acceptable and probably he lacks confidence.

Like having to share a room with an opposite gendered work colleague is not likely to be acceptable to any partner. Surprising that a workplace would even do that. But given they did and he had to accept the work arrangements then he was caught in a difficult place between you and work. I would have asked for my own room and to split the difference if the company was that stingy so I wasn't in a cleft stick.

Probably grilling him isn't the answer because you are pushing him into doubling down. Seeing prostitutes is not so reputable but would you be upset if he had 30+ one night stands? There is not much difference in truth.

[geosmanphi]

Hey I'm 20 , I was with a girl 10 months , a compulsive liar, schizophrenia, depression and bipolar stage 2 . Me being a good person at 20 with my parents money , I did everything to make this girl happy and help her in every of these sickness... I sacrificed a lot, I went through so much emotional roller costers , only for her and the hope I had in her. But.. she betrayed me in 1 day.. she betrayed the only person that was beside her for 10 months , she didn't go some1 else , she just left. She couldn't keep up with anything even herself. She can't feel emotions correctly.
Anyway , moral of the story. In a relationship your job is to love and provide trust. Your job is not to heal a sickness you are not a doctor. You will never understand a sick person because you are an okay person. You will remain confused always, you feel like you give a lot and you don't receive it back from the other.
It's not healthy. My advise to you is to leave that person behind , they will struggle in there life because they lie. And mainly they lied to the person that loved them " you" the person that was beside them and forgave them when you shouldn't have. They don't think the same way as you. They never will. If you keep staying with him, the suffer you have now will become even worse later on.
Keep strong and let it go , trust me.

[Finchie40]

Usually someone that is a compulsive liar has a lot of issues of their own , the fact that he is seeking therapy is a good thing for himself but that’s doesn’t mean you have to stand by his side and you have every right to let him go because relationships are built on love and trust , you will have a very hard time trusting this guy so you will constantly be miserable because you don’t know what to believe so in my opinion you are best to walk away and let him focus on getting the help he needs. I had a best friend that was a compulsive liar , and he was very good at doing it , to the point he started believing his own lies until finally it backfired on him , he went through severe depression and ended up killing himself , Lying is a insecurity and means someone has very low self esteem about themselves , it’s a sad thing thing to witness , and sadly a lot of people do it , My opinion being honest with someone is better than keeping secrets and lies , they are only hurting themselves by lying and they will never experience true love living in lies.

[did_he_just]

Stop grilling him about it. Stop caring where he is. Keep a good home for him if he pays the bills. Suck him and fuck him like a good girl should and when you suspect he's out getting himself some tail, finish your chores and go blow a few dudes. Be a charitable slut, fuck the weird dude from across the street who's 40 amd syill lives with his parents, he needs it. While you're over there, fuck his dad too, he'd be thrilled. That hot middle-aged woman 2 doors down? Grab a bottle of wine and invite yourself over, get tipsy and make some hot tik-toks before she sits on your face. Once you see how fun it is and that you have carnal desires just like your man, your life will find new meaning. Find some girls on FB that you think are cute and surprise your man one day after work. Live your life. If he's a piece of shit, those things have a way of naturally working themselves out. If he's a keeper , he will see immediately that you're the one he wants making breakfast. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution, but I hope I helped.

[xJayleenx]

He doesn’t deserve none of that

[JamesDiaz11]

It's best to restart everything you think you know about each other. Tell him that you understand why someone would lie, but the sheer number of lies is making you doubt everything he says, and you can't be in a relationship with someone you can't trust to tell you the truth (even a hard truth).

Go get a couple drinks, tell him that this will be a discussion of your past, and you have one opportunity to tell the truth. Neither of you are allowed to get mad, storm off, and everything disclosed has to be forgiven (or a plan needs to be provided on how you'll forgive it). If he continues his pattern of deceit, then you need to walk away. It takes far too good a memory to be a good liar (I would know, I've been one), and when you develop that habit you do it across the board.

[Asker]

Well that's the thing James... I do eventually catch him in his lies especially when I sit back let him talk, then I find obvious inconsistencies in the new story vs the old one. But even if I do have this conversation it will probably take me at least another month to find out if this "full truth" is a lie too, considering how many conversations just like this that we have had.

[JamesDiaz11]

I see. In that case it's best to cut the relationship off at this point. It's difficult when you're financially dependent on him, but if you have family you should move back in with them immediately. He's not going to get better, as liars like this will continually try to minimize the lies, talk their way out of inconsistencies, and pile up more lies to maintain an image of themselves that they want to keep. It's probably impossible for him to be honest with you at this point, because people like this (and I was one of them) won't drop the con ever- at least completely. The image they created is too important, and honesty isn't valued as much as this.

[20yearsolder]

Why do you have to focus on the past, that didn't have anything to do with you. It's none of your business. I would say that you're pretty damn lucky that he supports you and pays for everything. I'm not saying you have to put up with current lies. What options do you have? From the way it sounds you don't have an income, he provides everything for you. Sounds to me like you're kind of stuck there. What should you do? Go get a job. Make yourself self-sufficient. When you're tired of his bullshit pay for all of your own stuff, your phone your rent your car payment whatever it has to be

[Asker]

I'm not focusing on his past. The issue is if it it something which shouldn't matter, why are you lying about it so much? It is not unreasonable to want to know the background of someone you want to build a life with.

[20yearsolder]

No the issue is that you're bringing up the past, it doesn't matter. None of that should affect you. You should worry about from the time that you started dating until current day.

[WeeeISee]

No sorry there’s absolutely no excuse for lies. Stop sticking up for people just because they are men. You could be standing up for what’s good and right. Instead you decided to pipe up about this and passively aggressively blame this girl.
Asker- I can tell you from experience lying in a relationship is not good. Learn how to take care of yourself and better quality men will come around.

[20yearsolder]

I'm standing up for the man. I'd say the same thing if it was a major l male asking this question. If you don't trust the dude. Leave.

[Ga-girl]

Tbh with you I didn't read the full post since I could tell where this was going. He knows that you depend on him for everything so has taking advantage of you. He's getting you and them some. It not that he can't stop lying it's that in his eyes he doesn't have to since he's providing for you.

Don't settle for a guy you don't want. Those are mind games he's playing and it's not making you any better. It's probably not making you feel good either mentally... which might get you into a depressing state

[justEric]

Seems like his lies are all about hooking up with girls, so it's not a problem with being a pathologic liar or it would involve other subjects too. It's more about him trying to pose as someone he's not, hiding or diminishing the number of women he slept with. Might be that he's addicted to sex? In any case, if he acknowledged the mistakes and is facing therapy seriously, he can be a lot better in the future, but he's not right to think you should completely trust him at this point because he has shown he lied and lied about not having lied

[glennos89]

Never accept lies in a relationship! Lies only will lead to insecurity's and negative emotions! It's doomed to fail in the long term without a doubt so better leave and find yourself a honest boyfriend because you deserve nothing less then a honest guy

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to protect yourself emotionally by divorcing yourself from him. You can still be friends but your inner voice should be the one you listen to, not his. It's not normal relationship stuff.

He's unreliable. It would appear he cannot help it. It's therefore unfair to expect truth from him. And it's great he's getting therapy. It may be life long.

You seem vulnerable. You can't save him. Don't feel guilty, save yourself. If you can bear to be around him on those terms, then do so. But I get the feeling you really need to move on if you can.

[BlueScorpio]

Leave. If he can't be faithful to you or stop lying then it's time to leave, you left a toxic relationship with your family only to end up in another toxic relationship but this time with a man. The relationship is doing nothing for you except causing you pain, he has has is own problems that you can't fix, you need to just let him go.

[Asker]

I just dumped him for good tonight. I feel really strange and scared that I won't be able to get over him... Wish me luck

[BlueScorpio]

Good on you! Don't worry you will get over him, it hurts now by as time goes on you will learn to live without him and get back to normal. What was his reaction?

[Asker]

He was very silent. It turned out he had lied yet again and really did sleep with the girl he said he didn't. I said that we are done for good over FaceTime, and I will return to the house in a couple of weeks with my friend to get my stuff. I'll give him the SIM card too and find a cheap telephone plan I can afford. I do feel really scared, but you're right, I know in the end I will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Unless there are STDs or kids involved than do NOT grill him on his past. If he volunteers information that’s one thing but quite another that you tried to pry it out of him.

Don’t ask him his number, about his ex gfs or even about hookers. He was starting anew with you.

Now if he was doing funny business while in a relationship with you that’s a different story. But if you break his balls out of paranoia that can lead to resentment. That can inevitably push him to do what you feared most.

[Opinion Owner]

And yes I do think you screwed up otherwise decent thing. I think you got some “perfect man” in shining armor expectation in your head that you feel entitled to. That guy doesn’t exist and even if he did what makes you think you deserve him?

Also I don’t condone lying. With that said when women keep asking stupid questions (that aren’t fair to ask to begin with) then don’t be surprised that men get pressured to fib. If it’s an existential threat that’s a different story. But conjuring up paranoia about his past is really stupid.

[Aimer07]

Agree

[Paulalove98]

That's terrible.. you should drop him. He's did enough damage to you, your mental state as emotional and physical well being. I feel like he will only keep hurting you and you truly deserve and are worthy of a healthy love and happy relationship not someone who doesn't respect you. RUN!!!

[lightbulb27]

Hearing that probably hurts so I’ll give my review here since it maybe soothes a bit. I think the issue is trust… you don’t trust him, can’t get the level of emotional intimacy and so there isn’t security and that be an issue for any.
Tom right though… appears consistent if you ask questions he’s ashamed of you’ll get a defense mechanism. Question if this the only area… and it may not matter anymore as rebuilding trust is hard work. More above later…

[Supermomof3]

I’ve been there done that. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. If you can’t trust him it’s best to let him go. I was so in love with the guy I was with before I met my now husband. I still think about the times we shared together. When they were good they were the best, but when they were bad girls were texting him etc! He had mind control over me towards the end and that’s no way to live. It got violent towards the very end. I don’t want this for you ! Goodluck 🥰

[DermalPunch]

He slept with 30 prostitutes (probably more) IN THE PAST. Was he sleeping with prostitutes now? Why would you pray about the past. It's the past.

The thing about that other girl absolutely an issue. If you are as unhappy as the picture you used it's time to make an exit plan for YOURSELF. Implement it and stick to it.

It has nothing to do with him. Liars are horrible relationship partners and I personally would not attempt to have any kind of future with one.

[Candy45]

How can you say he provides a estable home when he is always lying? That's the least estable anything!! Nothing estable can be built on lies. I'm sorry but you got to run. That's toxic and that's not love. Love doesn't hurt, love doesn't lie, love doesn't have to be difficult. That is unhealthy attachment.