Does "don't tell anyone" really exclude your partner?

Question

So, recently we found out that my boyfriend of 9 months 17 year old sister is pregnant, about four months along.

We were all supportive, the father-to-be has already stepped up and is prepared to support her and the baby.

However, that's not the issue, the issue is I found out my boyfriend knew since she found out, but didn't tell me.

He said she told him not to tell anyone, and I told him that doesn't include me, we're supposed to tell each other EVERYTHING, and he disagreed - he says if someone asks you to keep something to yourself, that means exactly that.

We've had massive fights over this the last few days, and he won't budge, I keep reminding him how partners are supposed to share everything, and asking what else he's been hiding, and he just keeps reiterating how he respected her wish to keep it secret until she's ready to tell everyone.

Am I right?

magiusX26 · Accepted Answer

the issue is even though it does mean not even you, there are generations of SOs who have bent this rule to the point that more people believe/d as you have that it excludes you when it does not. am semi-guessing here, the main reason that it has been excused is the "keep no secrets from your SO" and "to keep couples from arguing" mentalities. it is also from pre-social media days and before the sexual partner carousel culture became big. the social media aspect has people blabbing these secrets (shared when they were not supposed to) somewhat by accident via the oversharing (a pic of everything eaten or every storefront driven by types of things as examples) more often in some comments or captionings. where as the partner carousel has people sharing these intimate secrets with the new partner which in turn they share with their next new partner.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

There are many times in life where when I hear those words don't tell anybody I don't even want to know what it is because there are many secrets that I have of somebody else's Within Me I have secrets from 30 years ago the people have told me that I have never told a soul and I never will because I respect that person and that's just the way it is whether I should tell somebody or not I don't do it they ask me not to tell anybody I won't tell anybody because that's who I am and they know that that's who I am for over 30 years and there is a connection there that they know that they can trust me with no matter what they say to me that's who I want to be as a person that's who I am as a person

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

This is wrongheaded. No partner is required to tell you everything about their life, either current or past.

This occured between him and his sister and she asked him not to share it. You have to respect that and if your are fighting over something this basic in a long-term relationship, this may mean you two are not suited for each other.

I could not be in a relationship with someone who demanded I tell them everything about my life and my day and my job. Some things aren't worth sharing, others are my choice NOT to share. I'd give you the same respect.

You are TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE. Not one mind/person. Each of your needs some level of privacy. If you can't agree on how much, at think you're at an impasse and might need to consider finding other partners.

I wouldn't budge either.

Aerissa_Jade · Accepted Answer

This is the real problem with secrets, is if he told you and someone else else found out, now you might be accused of being the one to leak it.

Better that you didn't know... you can say tell me everything about YOU but since it is his sister, that doesn't seem relevant.

I will say this though, if your married then he should tell you everything and trust you won't say anything no matter what, but until then... it doesn't apply.

I personally wouldn't want to know, that way if the secret is leaked... I can be just as surprised and not accused of being the leak.

Light909090 · Answer

Don’t tell anyone Means Don’t tell Anyone not even you.
You Think your entitled to Secrets when your not. You think your so Special well your not.
Your just another human like the rest of us Your life doesn’t mean more than any of ours So Quit acting like your Superior and you should know everything. You know the things that aren’t secret.
Then you find out and Go blab your little Entitlement to the internet Hoping to gain support from us and then you got the complete opposite. This is exactly why I don’t date. Bitches don’t got no respect because they’re all kids and I don’t want to date a Child. Nobody is Mature accept for Realistic hard working open minded Men.

Anonymous · Answer

Don’t tell anyone means don’t tell ANYONE - including your partner. No, partners aren’t supposed to tell each other everything - not things that concern other people if they don’t want you to know. I’d be pissed if I told my brother something that he promised to keep a secret but then went and told his girlfriend! You’re completely wrong. And you’re upset he didn’t tell you HIS sister was peegnant when she had literally asked him not tell anyone (that includes you)? Really? How can you not see how absurd and wrong it is of you? Your boyfriend is 100% right.

notyour_baby · Answer

lmao wait i had to read this twice. the first time i read it, i thought YOUR sister told your boyfriend she was pregnant, and i was on your side. rereading, you’re telling me your mad because your boyfriend didn’t tell you HIS sister was pregnant? I have 3 brothers all with long term partners and can positively tell you i would be so hurt if i found out they had told their girlfriends what i told them in confidence!!! and you literally just told the whole internet what she didn’t want anyone to know? grow up 😂

FilmGuy93 · Answer

It wasn't his story to tell. Your boyfriend is in the right here.

I think this might just be a men's vs women's perspective thing. As far as I'm concerned; being told to keep something to myself means absolute confidence. I don't care if my wife of 45 years asks me to tell her something my buddy's old girlfriend in college told me in secret; I gave my word that I wouldn't tell anyone, and I'm a man of my word.

Hanrej · Answer

You're supposed to share anything that could effect your relationship. Other peoples secrets are told because the people who share them expect you not to betray their trust. I would never betray family or friends trust when the secret doesn't really concern my partner.

Anonymous · Answer

Take yourself as an example. You are telling everyone on the internet her story she doesn’t want told. Trust has to be earned. You are proving to him he can’t trust you. Girls are huge on gossip as well. Without a doubt you would have already told everyone within days when you found out.

admles · Answer

Don't tell anyone means exactly that - he tells NO ONE.  If she had wanted you to be told, she would have said so. Your boyfriend is 100% in the right.

Twalli · Answer

It really depends on what it is. If I were him and my sister asked me not to tell anyone I would ask specifically about my girlfriend, but if she didn't want my girlfriend to know, I wouldn't tell her. So in this situation it's not unreasonable for him to keep it from you. He should have asked her directly, but he may have kept if from you because she asked him to.

Blackcosmo · Answer

Yes it does exclude you. She asked him to keep it a secret and he did just that. He's is 100% in the right.

Autember · Answer

This secret wasn't affecting you at all. I think he was in the right to keep this a secret.

NamerOfStars · Answer

No- "don't tell anyone" means "don't tell anyone". If YOU told him to keep something secret, wouldn't you want him to?

Drumlin2001 · Answer

You're overreacting at a time he needs your support. You should apologies and support him and his sister

Midgetmcwidget · Answer

Partner doesn’t count in the rule. Neither does anyone you say don’t tell anyone. (I might be bad at this)

slatyb · Answer

Are you a person? Then 'Don't tell anyone" included you.

janaina · Answer

You haven’t even been together for a year and you already want to know the family secrets?….

Shamalien · Answer

What I’m learning is that women are incorrigible gossips and that if I want something kept a secret I’ll tell a man

exitseven · Answer

Everyone means Everyone. You too.

Does "don't tell anyone" really exclude your partner?

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Does "don't tell anyone" really exclude your partner?

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