Is it okay to tell your boyfriend you want to marry him when you are both ready?

[Applesausefish]

King story shirt , I’m 7 months pregnant , I’ve known my boyfriend since last October, been dating since March. I really truly love him. When we found out I was pregnant he asked “ when should we get married”. At first I was hesitant because of the money situation, but things look like they going to be good.

he still lives in a shelter but we are going to move In together soon

[caring__1]

What's more important than telling him what you want is to find out what he wants. There are a lot of questions here. First off, he asks when the two of you "should" get married. That sounds like he'd be doing this out of obligation rather than a true desire to be with you. Would he choose to marry you if you weren't pregnant? How does he picture you and the kid in his life long-term? How do you define and measure "ready?" You say you love him, but does he love you? If he does love you, what does that mean to him? Never assume what you feel is what others feel, even if you use the same words to describe that feeling. Impulsive decisions made out of obligation often backfire in the long-run. Marriage is a long-term commitment between two people who feel a special connection with each other. What is that connection for each of you? Is it mutual or one-sided? This is the time for communication, not planning for the future.

[Applesausefish]

I hear what you are saying and I agree. Before we got pregnant he would ask me when I felt like we should get married. He even told me he that I was his future after I asked how he felt about me. I’m just a bit upset at myself for getting myself pregnant so fast. My father isn’t very supportive he says “ will he be there when your face is in diapers and out of sleep and money?” .

My mom on the other hand is supportive

[caring__1]

I'm concerned he may have been focusing on what he was supposed to do or what you expected to hear from him, in order for you to allow the relationship to continue. When he first mentioned marriage, that would have been the ideal time to explore his picture and definition of marriage. Give him some scenarios, and find out what he sees himself doing during those scenarios (ie you're too tired from caring for the baby to focus on him; the baby just had a huge, stinky case of diarrhea; your body changes as a result of pregnancy; you feel overwhelmed and need a break, yet he needs to go to work; etc.). Ask him what people do to keep relationships new and alive, and what he sees himself doing. Ask him the reasons people get married and what his reasons would be. Ask him how he knows when the time is right for marriage. He said he sees you as his future, but I'm not hearing you made sure you had a clear picture of how he defines his future or what it looks like.

Make sure you have a clear understanding of his answers. Don't just fill in the voids with your assumptions or projections of your desires. If he says anything that could have multiple interpretations, seek clarification. Don't interrogate him, but help by facilitating his own exploration and discovery. Examples of facilitating questions might be: "in what way?" "How might that impact you, me and the results?" "Help me see it through your eyes" "Where might that take us?" "Help me see how this path will take us closer to our long-term objectives (make sure your long-term objectives have been clearly defined)" "What potential challenges might we face on this path, and how can we address them?" "How will we measure our growth toward the results we seek?"

[caring__1]

To get a deeper understanding of him, you may want to discuss these types of questions:

When you were young (8-10 years old) and saw people in relationships, what did you believe were the reasons they chose to be in those relationships?

After you had relationship experiences of your own, how did that picture change?

What did you discover about yourself and potential partners as a result of your relationship experiences?

What did you learn from your relationship experiences?

What changes did you make in yourself as a result of that acquired knowledge?

What would be your reason for wanting to be in a relationship? In other words, what can you get from being in a relationship that you can't get by not being in a relationship?

What do you expect of a partner in a relationship?

What can a partner expect of you in a relationship?

Relationship-wise, how do you see your life 20 years from now?

I think these answers would give you a good starting point and foundation to build on.

[Applesausefish]

Thanks very much

[Applesausefish]

Are you a therapist?

[caring__1]

You're welcome. I keep my volunteer efforts separate from my career. Maybe I'll acknowledge my career after I retire in another year, but just view me as a caring person sharing another male perspective. Ignore whatever you read on this site that isn't helpful rather than take it personally.

[Adam1978]

Just do it, have a small ceremony, the whole thing about being ready went bust, when you chose to allow yourself to become pregnant. You are not ready for a child if you can't handle marriage.

[In_Trance]

Nope