How to deal with a family member that says sorry they're not perfect?

[Bethany22]

Someone that you're forced to still be in contact with, like a family member, what to do when all they have to say is 'sorry I'm not perfect' in response to your angry emotions towards something they did or said that angered you? I mean, what's the benefit of that approach as opposed to just using sorry as a sentence filler more often? Do they know/think that they will lose control over you if they act less like a victim in this situation? It's so annoying. I have to then apologize to them for making them feel 'attacked'. Like, they're allowed to make 'suggestions', and you're not allowed to view them as attacks, but when you get mad at THEM, they interpret it as an attack rather than just a discussion, and they need a week to recover! All I asked of them was to say sorry!

[Sixgunsound]

One of the most basic principles of stoicism is that you cannot change external events, but you can change your reaction to that, such that, if you know, the person in question is a passive, aggressive fool, then you know not to get your hopes up that they are going to be a nice or good or pleasant person and can either cut off contact with them on your end or just don’t take their lack of emotional intelligence personally. After all you are in control of what you do about something that is done to you. It may be the only thing you’re in control of at some points in your life, but at the end of the day, you still have that.

[Sixgunsound]

Both of my parents were compelled to enroll in Alcoholics Anonymous at some point, and they both had the following prayer on the wall in their houses: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“.

[Sixgunsound]

Thanks for MHO

[Jamie05rhs]

This is what happens with you have a relationship with an imbalance of power. In this instance, parent-"child", the parent is sensitive to their "position," or "rank," so there is institutionalized narcissism built into the relationship. This type of relationship can never be healthy. That is why I always strongly advise young adults to move out of their parents' homes.

[Bethany22]

That is EXACTLY how I felt about my mother growing up! She was so shocked whenever she saw a puny little kid back-talking to a really tall adult, as if the child needed to be reminded that they are powerless. She has no power in any other area of her life, so she really relishes it as a parent.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Bethany22 Yep 💜

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for the MHO!

[kylee2437]

Learn to accept the fact that they don’t want to take accountability and change. Learn that In most situations, you can’t change people but you can personally change how you go about approaching them in total

[OlderAndWiser]

Response: "Nobody's perfect but at least most people don't use such a lame excuse and they take responsibility for their actions."

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Never look to people for happiness or fulfillment. They will let you down. None of us are perfect.

I see this in two different ways:

1. Person is shrugging it off because in 10 minutes whatever your upset about won't matter. That your overly sensitive.

2. They might not know what else to say if they are blunt and meant nothing bad by it. Just a say it how it is type of person and honestly feel bad and making a mental note of it so they dont hurt you again.

It's hard to know in this scenario.

[lightbulb27]

translated that means, I don't want to change nor examine if I'm wrong and bow to your feelings.

Honor your parent as they are, value yourself.

Accept who they are, try to communicate as best you can. try to find the underlying emotions controlling them if you like and address it... whether it's fear of death, empty nesting, uncertain future, etc. etc..

[desperatelyhungry]

Ugh, sounds like manipulation and potential narcissism. My dad had been better about it, but we went through a bad spout where we barely talked cause he was controlling and would say things like that. No one is asking for perfection, we ask for simple respect and to follow our wishes

[Chazmatazz269]

You’re old enough to know that you have neither the right nor the responsibility to control other people, except if you have children of your own. If you can’t accept a person’s behavior and they can’t or won’t change, then you put enough distance and time between you that their behavior no longer antagonizes you. In some cases that means no contact permanently. Otherwise, work on acceptance. That and gratitude are the keys to happiness.

[Sparkie460]

Tell them nobody is perfect but a little respect goes a long way. Tell them that just saying " I'm sorry " is all your looking for. If they feel attacked by you wanting an apology that's their problem.
You have no reason to apologize for wanting them to apologize. They are the one that did wrong, not you.

[lancecantee]

People whom I'm related to who cause grief, I keep at arms length. They've had decades to pull it together and show they love me but can't, so I removed them from my heart until they can act like emotionally mature humans. Until then, they have zero place in my life and zero access to my heart strings. No real estate in my heart and people I'm not related to have already shown they deserve it in return.

[Anonymous]

I just don't depend on them anymore. And if they say, "why didn't you ask me", or "include me". Then I say well I remembered you're not perfect, and I know you wouldn't want me to depend on you if you were just going to let me down.

Luckily I don't have this problem with any of my family. But I try to depend on others as little as possible so I'm never let down.

[Opinion Owner]

The lower expectations you have for others, the happier you'll be.

[DJB72]

I've had that exact phrase.

Told them to fuck off and haven't spoken to them since.

Not even to say goodbye when I moved to another country.

[slatyb]

You are an adult and have no obligation to interact with anyone. If someone is repeatedly abusive, then you are free to stop seeing them.

[snackthatsmilesback]

Don't engage. Ignore them walk away and if you can't just be quiet and don't explain yourself. It's not worth it. Save yourself trouble. Do what you gotta and just get out as soon as you can.

[Havthrills]

I just say "nobody is" or "that means you're human." It's a way for them to make you feel bad and them to take the upper hand. I'm not into any form of manipulation.

[BJP21]

Out right call them out. Do it tactfully. Im kind of going through this situation with an uncle who happens to be a deacon for a church. My aunt and him wrote a letter that was very judgmental but also very racist because my former girlfriend of the time was Mexican. They need to be accountable for hurtful things they say.

[WhitneySnow]

Try to avoid them as much as possible or say “Yeah but you could be a lot better than you are.”

[genericname85]

i don't understand the problem here. they angered you and upon being confronted, they admitted their mistake. what more do you want?

[Bethany22]

They didn't admit their mistake. Saying 'sorry I'm not perfect' implies that I'm too sensitive or demanding. Afterwards, they sent a LONG email that distorted the facts around tp make themselves look innocent, and so I knew they weren't saying sorry for the specific thing that angered me.

[genericname85]

To me, sorry I'm not perfect seems like an admission with an attached excuse. But then also you gotta consider anger is an emotion that originates within you and not from the outside. So if you're angry, that's really you, not someone else doing it.

[Bethany22]

interesting point

[genericname85]

It's true. Nobody else but you can decide how you feel and what emotion you have.

[Guardian45]

Whats their relationship to you? How old are they? What's their health status?

[Kelly6]

But no one is perfect !

[Anonymous]

Sheesh you are uptight lol

[pizzalovershouse]

Tell them a litrlw respect goes far