Is snooping really a dumpable offence?

Question

My boyfriend caught me having a harmless snoop through his DMs (I was just unsure of his realtionship with a girl he works with and was checking, there's nothing to worry about) but he caught me and snatched his phone out of my hand and demanded to know what I'm doing, and I tried to calmly explain myself and he didn't accept that and said if he catches me doing that we are over, is that really a fair reason to break up with someone?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is a difficult one. I have been Lied to, deceived, Blind sided, Cheated on By Every guy I ever dated with More girls than I can count on on 2 hands. And especially with the girls that he says we are just friends. Come to find out They are Sending now ex boyfriend (s) Inappropriate pictures, Inappropriate messages, no I didn't find this out by going through their phone. There were only 2 guys I looked at their phone the 1st phone I looked through they gave me their phone because we were In his shop and it had no wifi I was bord and asked if I could use pintrest because he had data and mine ran out.
I was going through pintrest when multiple notifications came up. one of a message was a "sexting message" followed by a inappropriate photo of this girl. I tuned the phone around and asked him wtf was this message. And clicked on it. Turns out he was talking to this girl for months. I asked him if he wants to be with me. Stop talking to that girl. (Should have dumped him right there) he said he would but a while later her name came back up on his phone again that time I didn't go in his phone. I messaged her on instagram (my boyfriend was very aware I did that because I messaged her infront of him. Asking her not to contact him because him and I have been dating for the last 6 months. Apparently she had no idea... I think that was the reason he wouldn't ads her on Facebook.. that relationship didn't last.
The other time is when I was helping my ex send photos of our trip to his mom because he didn't know how to send multiples. Came across a file he thought was hidden.. it said "hidden file" with naked photos of his ex... that was a fun time. We dated for a year when I saw that. Then went through his messages. Saw that he was talking to one girl. Who he lied to me about claiming she was "just a friend" turns out he later dumped me out of the blue almost a year later for his girl. When we were still dating I was told when he went to his farrier competitions. They were holding hands. And being all lovey But when I arrived they acted normal.
my I have NEVER cheated on anybody in my life. I could hand over my phone to my boyfriend now and not even think twice about what he's looking at.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Snooping is pretty dumpable, especially when the other person isn’t doing anything to make someone feel a certain way. But when you said he snatched his phone from you that should raise a lot of 🚩 red flags 🚩. I was in a similar situation, and he just let me keep his phone and said “no since you think so horribly of me keep the phone and tell me what you find” because he wasn’t doing anything bad and nothing was in there. So because this guy snatched his phone would make me feel as though he is hiding something.

Weapon77 · Accepted Answer

Yes, it is a completely fair reason. That is terrible behavior to go through your boyfriend/girlfriend's stuff. It's similar to walking in on them while they taking a shit. If you have gotten to the point in your relationship where you shit with the other person in the shower or vice versa, then going through a phone wouldn't be so bad. But you skipped several steps of intimacy all the way to the privileges wives get. I know our culture largely acts like it isn't a big deal, so I won't lambast you, but please understand that going through your boyfriend's phone is NOT OK.

It is not harmless, and I'll explain why. Unless you have asked him to look at something and he says, "Sure, go for it," the fact that you are doing it in secret should be a signal to you that something is wrong. One or more of these problems must be true A) You know it's wrong deep down, and that's why you didn't ask him and just did it B) You signal to him that you think he has something to hide and don't trust him C) You signal that you don't think he is allowed any privacy D) You want to act more like his mother than his girlfriend E) He does have something to hide that you could dump over, in which case, the fact that you even suspect he is cheating or whatever means you need to talk to him and probably dump him.

Here is the bottom line: if you are worried about this girl, whoever she is, and you cannot trust him, then you two should not be dating, period. Why would you date someone you don't trust? If you are right to suspect something fishy, then he is a cheater (which means you need to break up). And if you are wrong, then you have some growing up to do to teach yourself to trust, so you shouldn't be dating right now. Either way, it's fine that he gave you another chance, but you will need to either express your feelings to him and see if you can both work through them, or you need to just not date each other until you can trust him.

Guy13 · Accepted Answer

I have a different approach and it can be frightening and I have lost both Time and Future. It is the “Unforgivable Sun”. There’s a point, if it has not been happening naturally, that physical examination, medical history, credit, criminal, and password sharing occurs. I know by 3 months and it is decision time.

At that time close to close flirty:”look and I type in my passcode (get that?) and start taking her through my phone less Work protected stuff. “Here (slide phone to her), I’m ordering us each another 🍸 🫒. You have till I finish this (hour) to search every crack and question me…we will do this on the computers too.”
“And you know my password so if my phone is closer or your phone is in the car, or you want use my newest phone release from work…do not hesitate.”

Does her/my experience match reality” is what I’m trying to put to rest. And I’m going to leave my phone in her space unprotected if I’m at her place fixing something for her…ON PURPOSE. Women are insecure and secure, happy and growing in the right way is important. The phone stalking 💩 stops overtime and I have way to test that too…

I expect her to do the same before I finish that drink. And the writing ✍️ is on the wall if she doesn’t. If not, “let me see your phone…what’s your password?”
I have had one breakdown and start crying in public and say No. Took her home and dropped like normal and never heard from her again…I lock doors when driving. She unlocked and got out before I could dump her 🙃

OlderAndWiser · Answer

"a harmless snoop" If you actually believe thi, you are the only person who believes it.

"I was just unsure of his realtionship with a girl he works with and was checking, there's nothing to worry about)" You should have asked him.

"He caught me and snatched his phone out of my hand and demanded to know what I'm doing," Damn right he wanted to know!

"I tried to calmly explain myself" If i calm, it means it's not a big deal, and then he can't act like it's a big deal, either.

"he didn't accept that and said if he catches me doing that we are over" That was his one mistake; he gave you another chance. If you did that to me, your ass would be out the door, heading home, and never coming back.

Yes, it is an absolute deal beaker and the fact that you don't understand that says that you are not ready for a real relationship.

SteveSmith1985 · Answer

Yes. Yes it is a dumpable offence. Trust is important in a relationship. I'd have reacted EXACTLY the same way your boyfriend did. Wouldn't you?

DubiousIntentions · Answer

Trust is about the most important aspect of a relationship. If you can't trust your partner, then you may as well pack it up and excuse yourself from the relationship. I get what you were looking for but would you want him doing the same to you? The way he acted may either be your lack of trust in him - or that he had something to hide. Either way, it is not boding well between you. Some discussion and ground rules are in order. To show neither of you have nothing to hide, let the other see your phone log. If they refuse I would call that highly suspicious. You might want to reassess your relationship if that is the case as trust issues will not get better, but probably worse.

Screenwriter · Answer

He is absolutely right. It is none of your business what his relationship is with some woman at work. If you don't trust him enough to trust his judgment, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

Personally, that is an on the spot break up issue for me. My son broke up with a woman he did this to because she was outraged. It doesn't matter what he did or didn't find. The fact that someone snoops like this is sign they don't understand boundaries, are suspicious and have trust issues and if nothing else are simply NOSY!. Privacy, trust and boundaries are hallmarks of healthy adult relationships.

A phone is private. Even if someone hands you theirs to make a momentary call, or it's lying around, if it's not your phone, leave it alone. It's a breach of trust, privacy and etiquette.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

Any reason could be considered a dumpable offence based on what people think qualifies.

I'd dump him right there, for obviously having something to hide when he snapped the phone away. If he had nothing to hide, then he would of been able to stay calm.

I suggest you move on now, as you don't trust him and he has given you reason not to, both before this and after this.

You may not have found anything going on right now, but that doesn't mean there hasn't been before or that you had time to check everything out.

Finchie40 · Answer

Not if your suspicions are telling you something is off in the relationship , to all the people saying it’s invasion of privacy are probably the ones hiding shit as well , people that have to hide shit from their partners are already cheating bottom line , People that have to keep secrets are people that are living constant lies , so your boyfriend’s reaction was pretty much an indication that he only cares about himself and probably someone you might want to reconsider being in a relationship with , The rise of smart phones and social media has destroyed relationships , if you have to keep things hidden from your partner then you truly don’t value them , His reaction should of made you reconsider that relationship right then and there , I busted my ex snooping through my phone and instead of threatening her I said bay what’s wrong , why are you spying on me? Did something happen to make your suspicions high? That’s what a loving partner does a selfish person gets defensive

God_of_Thunder · Answer

Yep; absolutely.

Trust issues are a huge red flag, and it shows that you don't respect his privacy, and you don't trust him. Without trust, the relationship is doomed, anyway, so why stick around? Staying with someone who doesn't trust you is just a waste of time.

Mangospacho · Answer

It depends on how long you’ve been together. If you just started dating a mont or two ago, then I would be furious. If you’ve been together for. 8 months or longer, I don’t see what his problem is. If you find something where’s he’s flirting with other girls then you would break up with him, right? Then, apparently, it’s worse than you finding out he’s seeing someone behind your back. Either way it doesn’t sound like this relationship is gonna last when his first response is to go nuclear on you when you do something he doesn’t like.

420Rachel · Answer

To me, snooping through my phone means you don't trust me. So yeah, I would be very upset over that. Asking me is different, if you want to ask me to go through my phone for whatever reason, have at it. But trying to hide means you're being deceitful, and I hate that shit.

Anonymous · Answer

How would you feel if he 'snooped through your phone?

And don't say that you have nothing on your phone that you'd rather not have anyone else see!

If he had done the same with your phone you'd have Dropped him in a heartbeat, so why do you think it is nor dumpable offence for you?

Sounds as though you have a set of double standards you have to sort out.

Show me a woman that will leave here phone around her man unlocked because there’s nothing she’s hiding.

Go ahead I’ll wait!!!

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

There are some things that are off limits, and for him that may be a two-strikes and your out thing. People like to have their privacy.

It sounds like you need to have a conversation on this, and if you need more assurance than he's willing/ able to give then maybe you two don't match on a trust level.

libsaretards · Answer

Absolutely.

1. You are showing you do not trust him

2. By going through his stuff without permission, you are saying that you believe you have the power to do whatever you want in the relationship without his input.

3. If you have enough evidence (real evidence, not just some misunderstanding on your part or a feeling) of infidelity to the point of needing to snoop, then it should be YOU doing the dumping, hence it still being a dump-able offense.

Moose304 · Answer

I'm an open book! I date more than one female and I don't hide them from each other. I don't have social media apps and I keep a PC open for anybody to use. My primary account is password protected. What I am attempting to say is there is nothing for anybody to find. All of my secure records are in my safe. My iPhone is plugged up next to my bed during the night. I keep it uplocked for the max 4 hours I can keep it open.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

Yes it is. No trust in the beginning means no trust in the future. "Harmless snoop" is just snooping. You feel uneasy about because you're in the wrong. "
You've basically told him you never trusted him with your action. Did he give you a reason to be such a way or maybe you have trust issues? We don't know, but it's obvious you have trust issues.

You better hope he doesn't sleep on the idea of dumping you.

msc545 · Answer

It's actually a good reason to break up with someone because by doing it you indicate that you don't trust him. If you don't trust him you have no business being in a relationship with him. And he has no business being in a relationship with you either.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Uhhhh yeah, that's a very dumpable offense. Your behavior would be a massive turn-off to me. Because even if I can rationalize your decision to snoop through my DMs, I have to wonder what else you're up to when I don't catch you.

whereismyjohnny · Answer

Yes. It shows that you don't trust him, and if there is no trust in a relationship, is it worth staying in one?

admles · Answer

It’s not the snooping per se, it’s the lack of trust, and that he’s now given you a boundary, and if you don’t respect that boundary, he will rightly break up with you.

You need to work on your trust and communication issues.

Do. Not. Snoop. Ever.

His reaction was perfectly normal.

Kori1236 · Answer

Yes it’s a fair reason. It shows insecurity on your part and proves to him that you don’t trust him. Even if I was completely innocent and found my SO was going through my shit would piss me off.

Dinklex3 · Answer

Yup. That's sneaky, deceiving, and gross. Shows zero trust to go behind your partner's back and invade their privacy. I'd definitely break up.

jshm2 · Answer

To be fair, you both need to buck up ideas.  You need to be less insecure and controlling. He needs to be less confrontational and short.

inhua · Answer

I would say yes but on the flip side, if he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't get this upset.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Yea, you can't trust someone who doesn't trust you. It's a romantic relationship not a business one

AdithyaR · Answer

That is a huge invasion of privacy.
This isn't the AITA subreddit but you are definitely YTA here.
You're lucky he gave you a second chance. I'd have ended things right there. If you have a concern, communicate it to him. Don't snoop around.

RavVid · Answer

I like the way you deprecated snooping with harmless. You were in fact trying to get the goods on him weren't you? :)

Agape93 · Answer

Oh yeah. Its an invasion of privacy, it's disrespectful and shows you don't even trust him to be faithful and loyal to you.

Adam1978 · Answer

This form of snooping yes, if you looked through his bookshelf not so much. But the phone is private you don't touch it without permission.

WildCard42 · Answer

No, I would be flattered. It might even turn me on that she's so concerned about losing me. I might even fuck her right there.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

Definitely. It shows that you don’t trust them and don’t respect their privacy.

Vegasrunner · Answer

9 times out of 10 it's a reason to drop a girl. You shouldn't have to live your life with someone believing that they can go through your personal property.

all_hayl · Answer

It’s a free society. We can dump anyone for any reason.

The_Shadow_Dweller · Answer

Just think what would you do if he was checking your phone.

BJP21 · Answer

Nope, what does he have to hide that he can't talk to you about? Id rather be with some that snoops in my phone and turns and says "Oh really that turns you on?"

Fuentes · Answer

Don't go through my stuff, if I'm cheating you gonna know usually the one who feels there partner is cheating is the one who is guilty of cheating.

FinalFantasyBro · Answer

That is a invasion of privacy yes that is distance you basically put your relationship at risk at trying to snoop on your boyfriend.

Anonymous · Answer

Anything can be a dumpable offense. It depends on the person. Personally, I don't blame him. It's obviously important to him, and he has warned you now, so if you do it again and he dumps you, it's literally no one's fault but yours.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

If it's a constant thing then yes. You have to understand people find you going through their stuff offensive. Most people don't like that ish.

Fireguy17 · Answer

it can be a trust issue and I would probably have an issue with that.

RichardCranium6201 · Answer

Yes. Especially if they wait to do it behind your back.

Subarugirl · Answer

Violating someone boundaries and privacy certainly is

Anonymous · Answer

If he reacted like that he’s hiding something so if you care about him having secrets then you should probably dump him.

ZenJen444 · Answer

What's there to explain? Of I were him I would've punched you in your face. Hell yeah he needs to dump you. You're rude af and insecure.

CharlieDMX · Answer

There's no such thing as a harmless snoop. You showed lack of trust in him, and yes, it's bad enough to dump you

TroyDT2 · Answer

Yup. If she doesn't trust me I won't hang around.

aaron210419 · Answer

It shows lack of trust, if there's no trust then there's no relationship

Googlemyahoo · Answer

If there's nothing to hide why’d he care? 😑

Luckycharms12 · Answer

Yes it is no right go true someone's phone. And show's lack of trust

PatriceONeal · Answer

Nobody should be snooping through their SOs personal belongings, nor have to feel the need to. The trouble exists sans snooping.

CuriousMufuxka · Answer

Don't ever touch a man's phone! Allow him to hand it over so your untrusting ass can see nothing's going on.

alance99 · Answer

Not a dumpable offence but both partners need their space to breath in life, so interference is acceptable only to an extent

Anonymous · Answer

Yep, if you don't trust him enough then you shouldn't be together anyway.

Jltakk · Answer

Yes, it shows you have trust issues and can't be honest about looking through your partners things.

Anonymous · Answer

It can be. Low self esteem isn't attractive hun.

Anonymous · Answer

It displays a fundamental lack of respect, so yeah--it is. A warning is fair though.

Red1723 · Answer

If he's cheating or guilty of something, why would he care otherwise...

Anonymous · Answer

Men now treated like we are trash. Respect that’s our love aspect aka our trust.

Ninania · Answer

Yes, of course! That's a breach of his privacy.

Anonymous · Answer

I would not do that or put up with it.

Twalli · Answer

It shows a lack of trust in him

PainusNdeeAnus · Answer

Yes it shows a lack of respect and trust

Is snooping really a dumpable offence?

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