I still think about my first love all the time. Should I reach out?

[MilaRay]

i can’t talk to anybody about this without feeling judged but I rejected the opportunity to reconcile with my ex because he played me. He reached out last year and I didn’t accept his invitation to be reconnected. But through all these years I still remembered him and I felt like the fact I never forgot him was proof that I loved him. I feel so alone with these feelings because I do all the things that single people do but my heart isn’t in it. I date other men but I can’t fully commit to anybody or give myself to anybody to the fullest extent. I’ve been celibate since I was with him. The reason I never told anybody is because my heart has been with my first love since I met him and it’s embarrassing. I feel like I deserve to let go of him because of how bad he hurt me, but I never really let go. Sometimes I think about intimate moments we shared -not just sex but deep talks, times where I shared my thoughts with him that I have never told anybody else, or times when he cried and I wiped his tears. I think about the memories all the time kind of like I don’t want to let them go. Sometimes they make me happy-much happier than any after him ever did. All the sweet gestures, dates, flowers and confessions could never replace the feeling I had when I was with him and I hate it. I honestly felt like he probably knew I was faking the fact that I was over him. But I wouldn’t ever act on how I feel because I won’t risk putting myself in a position to get hurt by him ever again. But I want to sometimes, and it’s crossed my mind lately to say something because so much time has passed I figure he and I are both more mature and maybe even different people. But I think about all the ways it could go wrong or how I might feel and I worry that it isn’t worth it

[OlderAndWiser]

1. The fact that you never forgot about him proves only that he was your first partner in love. My first was 51 years ago and I still remember her. This doesn't prove anything about the depth of your love.

2. Loving someone is not all that it takes to make a relationship work. It also takes trust, respect, common interests and desires, and a mutual willingness to keep the relationship alive. Apparently, one or more of those was missing last time around.

3. You did not mention what happened that ended the relationshp but, if you try it again, you will probably rediscover whatever it was that made the relationship fail the first time. People are CAPABLE of changing but they rarely do.

4. After a break up, it is normal to miss all of the good times that you remember and to "forget" all f the bad times that were interspersed with the good times. Every relationship s a package deal and if you go back, you return to all of those bad times as well as the good times.

5. After a bad first relationship break up, many people don't want to admit that the relationship failed. Tey view the relationship in idealized terms, and romanticize about their lost partner. That causes its own set of miseries but is easir than admitting that ether we chose a bad partner or failed the relationship in some way, because the next thought is. . . I'm not any smarter now than I was then, and if I try this again, I'll fail in the same ways. . . and that prospect is terrifying.

Do any of these thoughts ring true for you?

[CrazyGirl2]

No! It’s perfectly normal to think about your first love. There’s even a saying “you never forget your first love” Mike (MY first love) and I were together for a YEAR before we slept together, I had been raped by an uncle when I was 13 and was particularly fragile, especially regarding sex. I needed time to KNOW that he was the right guy, and that he was not just with me for the sex, but for the “right reasons”. On the 1st anniversary of our first date, he made everything perfect, I truly felt like a princess and I knew that he truly loved me! We made love that night for the first time, I was ecstatic! Not only had I had a positive sexual experience for the first time in my life, but I truly felt loved, and secure in that love. Three days later I discovered that he was cheating on me, and had been for some time! I had not felt that used since my rape! I was devastated, and fell into a deep depression. I met Lee, my second boyfriend a few months later and was even more suspicious of his motives that was of Mike when I met him. As happy as I was with Lee, I still thought of all the wonderful times Mike and I spent together, hell I STILL DO! But once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater! Do not be lulled into a false sense of security by your own pleasant memories… our minds hold on to the positive memories, while it minimizes painful ones. Thats why you think of him in such pleasant ways, just as I still think of Mike pleasantly, despite how badly he hurt me. You need to stay strong, and not let him fool you again. I truly wish you all the best, and hope you make the right decision for you, and stay FAR away from that guy.

[BlueScorpio]

I understand, it's hard to get over someone you really loved. But you have to ask yourself why did that door close in your life? Why did that relationship fail? Why is he your ex? You have to sit down and write out what your brain knows and remembers why the relationship fail, cause if all you do us listen to your heart, it's eventually going to win even though your mind knows this person or relationship isn't really for you. Ad bad as it hurts and as much as you miss that person, sometimes it's best to leave that door closed and moved forward.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes you should definitely reach-out. You clearly need closure on this one way or another. Whether you reconnect and live happily ever-after, or you reconnect, you find out he really is an asshole or player and end up getting hurt again (I hope you don't)... you will at least get closure.

As it is, it's something that has become over-romanticized in your mind. Your remembering the good parts, and how strongly you feel ABOUT those good parts has increased over time. They are MORE cherished to you now, then they were closer to the time they happened. This isn't uncommon.

At the same time, you end up down-playing/minimizing the bad times/experiences with him.

I think that you need to find out the answer to your "what if..."? It's obviously been on your mind for a long time. He is obviously willing to reconnect (he tried a year ago). So I think you need to try, and find out if you were right to have left him, or if a second-try at things might result in something meaningful.

You should definitely reach out. You need to know in order to settle this in your own mind

[Guy13]

As long as one is not damaging his current relational status with another, why not reach out? I did but I knew her Dad and grew up.. kissed etc with her from 2nd-8th grade when my family moved to different part of same general area. I visited her Dad my sophomore year in University... We tried it out.

[Summeroflove]

You can if you want. But if he played you. You’re probably building a fantasy in your head of what you wished things would be like and think well maybe there is still a chance.

If you feel like he’s changed. Reach out.

[FunkyMonkee]

I'm, sort of, in the same ball park! I'm always thinking of my ex-fiance, whom I spent 10 years with, even though she only spent 8 of those years with me (she started cheating on me around the 8th year) and even stopped fucking me after just 3 or 4 years!!
I think we (you & I) are going through the same thing, we love what we had with them, but we don't love them anymore and can't trust them not to hurt us again! Like, if I could go back to the way things were for our first 3 or 4 years and knew it would never go bad again, I'd jump right on THAT bus!! I still find myself attracted almost instantly to women that kinda look like her! (There used to be this girl that worked as a cashier at the grocery store and, the second I laid eyes on her, I couldn't wait to meet her because she looked just like Madame Ex!! Except that she was black and about 18 years old and Madame Ex is from India and we were both in our mid 30's when we met.) But, if she walked back into my life right now, I very seriously doubt I'd want anything to do with her!! So, even though I DO think of her a lot, it's just all the great times we had together and, she WAS a HUGE part of my life!! I almost married her and we nearly had a kid together!!
However, I think that if I found someone new, which I very seriously doubt will ever happen (it doesn't look very likely), I will be completely committed to her. The memories of Madame Ex will still be there, just as they still are from my first two girlfriend's but, they're just fond memories, nothing more.

[Gent207-2]

You sound like me - in love with a memory, the selective moments where he made you the happiest, safest and most loved. All those moments seem to overshadow the pain and anquish you felt when he would purposefully hurt you. No one can compete with a memory because it's a vision of what you choose to recollect i. e., all of his good qualities.

But the reality is if you two got back together, you would eventually pick-up where you left off, same problems and mistakes. Alternatively you would discover that the person you remember no longer exists like say this was ten years after high school. They wouldn't have thesame likes, beliefs and attidues as they did before (they shouldn't 🚩🚨).

My point - moving on is memorializing youd past and accepting the reality that he is no longer part of your story. Then finally embracing a future without him.

[CallmeTheKnight]

1. He was your first but not your best. Sis he played you. That's why you feel embarrassed talking about it because you know he's no good.

2. He's an ex. Forgive and move on with your life. Block him on everything. You stalk his page, probably keep photos and mementos of this guy... Delete all that and let go of that fantasy and stick to reality. He don't care that much about you

3. You're desperate for your ex because you're fixated on him.

No matter how much you try to justify or see the good, you need to stop and move on. You'll have a much healthy mind and body when you do.

[loveslongnails]

Snap out of it girl. You're in LOVE with the memory of what you THOUGHT was genuine good stuff UNTIL you found out he was playing you!!! Maybe some of your intimate moments were real at the time - maybe - but certainly in the end, they were nothing true because he lied to you. So, what are you REALLY missing?

You're missing the illusion of how good you felt, until you didn't feel good anymore! That's why you rejected reconciliation - because you don't trust him, and deep down, you know this. That's why you don't reach out - because you know even if you do have some good times again, you'll never fully trust it.

When you accept this is your real truth, and that's WHY you don't reconnect, you'll be able to move on. Until then, you're just playing a silly mind game with yourself and wasting your time, along with any man's time who may actually REALLY want to know you and possibly love you.

[Anonymous]

Fear of what could happen is normal, but you have to consider it all rationally.

You two have history, this is good as it give you a starting point, and you know what you're getting into, but don't expect the "honeymoon period" again, you already rubbed the shiny off of him.

You also should know exactly why the two of you broke up, and address this. If it has not been resolved, work to resolve these issues one way or the other, as well as fixing any and all issues that it caused, and that the breakup caused, before getting back together. The shared effort can prove to be a bonding experience.

Thing of it as a boat. Some boats are worth fixing, others are beyond repair. If this boat is worth fixing, be sure to patch ALL of the leaks and fix all of the problems before you cast off. And when you do, don't take it out further than you can swim until you have double and triple checked every inch of the boat.

Good luck love.

[Man-O-Metal]

No. You need to stop hiding all the times he hurt you with all the times you felt the most in love with him. He hurt you, you guys ended it, it's over. You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and begin moving forward in your life. Stop thinking back on those nice times as a way to cope with not having a special someone to have those times with right now.

[playgirlrizzy]

Don’t reach out to him, a part of us will always yearn for our first love and your story is rather intense so it’s understandable that you feel overwhelmed. What you have to do is appreciate the memories and the times you’ve spent together and move on. Do what you need to remove him from your life and focus your efforts on self development. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t try to move on by finding someone else, because, like you said, you cannot commit. Find yourself first. I wish you all the best.

[aaron210419]

You have to let go of this guy, just because you're thinking about him didn't mean it's love. This sounds more like a trauma response, I always recommend some counciling after a traumatic relationship not just for you but for your future. There's nothing wrong with therapy, and the fact that you find it hard to bond with anyone else is a sign that it may stem from something deeper. Maybe a hard or over protected childhood? These are things that therapy can help with.

[Anonymous]

Christian straight camp is best for you. I was a Councillor in one, it's where I met my wife. Various conversion treatments are used to help you walk on the straight and narrow path. Hours of prayer, counciling, religious study, canning, spanking, paddling, aversion therapy, Psychoanalysis, Hypnosis water boarding and marraige therap y.

[Aaron03]

I don’t know that it would hurt for you to reach out to him but what exactly are you hoping will happen with a reconnection? Do you just want to connect to sort of bury the hatchet and fully move on or do you want to connect to hopefully reignite a relationship. Either way I think it wouldn’t hurt to do it as long as you are upfront and honest with your intentions when you do reach out

[dustybiker]

Keep in mind if a lot of time has passed he might not be the same. You yourself might have changed too. Time and different experiences chip away and or add to us.

[melanieeeB]

Nope, I would recommend to move on and maybe write a letter and get out everything that you're thinking about him and then move on

[humanearth]

Look I get it. Even all this time. I still think about my first love. And that was a long time ago. Like 1980s

I always wonder how their life turned out and think about them often

[Chazmatazz269]

Depends… who are they to you now? Is there potential to reconnect meaningfully? If not, let it go. If so, make your move.

[midnightmoon05]

Nothing wrong reaching out. There are two outcomes.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

If he played you before and hurt you badly, you might be allowing history to repeat itself.

[Tina19]

First love feels magical like a fairly tale i still sometimes remember my first love which was 11 years ago

[Fireguy17]

It might not hurt, but life is not a hallmark movie.
Don't be surprised if they have moved on.
So prepare yourself for that.