Always feel stupid with girlfriend?

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Just looking to see if anyone here could give me any advice. I’ve been talking to this girl for about 6 weeks and I can’t help but find myself in positions or situations where I feel dumb. Like I really like this girl and dare I even say love her, we speak everyday, all day and I can see a future with her. But she mentions her EX pretty often (she came out of a abusive relationship) and sometimes the guy will even reach out to her trying to see if things can work, I don’t doubt that she likes me but I can’t help but feel bad. I’m doing so much for her and want to make her happy but when she tells a story about her ex and tries to think it’s funny. I can’t stand it and feel like an idiot. Maybe this is how it feels to love someone? I dunno. I would love people’s advice on this. Take care, thanks for reading.

[kylee2437]

So I’m a girl that got out of an abusive relationship last year and honestly, maybe you should say “hey I’m here for whatever Trauma you are dealing with, but I’d rather not hear about situations between you and your ex. I am here for you through all of this, but this situation is making me worried about if you are still all about your ex”.


So basically you can’t wipe away the trauma she has gone through and that is going to be apart of your journey. You need to figure out what her triggers are and you need to listen to her needs. She will open up to you more when you listen to her needs through the trauma

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Thank you so much. This has helped me so much. You’re very right. I’m not going to be able to erase the past. I’ve brought it up to her in the past and she told me that it’s just going to come in waves but today she told me something that made me pretty uncomfortable.

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight it sure does come in waves. I’m currently talking to someone myself and he has taught me that I’m not healed all the way and I have tons of behaviors to unlearn even though at one point I felt healed. It’s very tough. I went on a few dates after I got out of that abusive relationship and the guy ghosted me due to me just not being there - but I vouched never to consider dating him because he didn’t even listen to my needs of communication is key. What exactly did she tell you today?

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

I feel the same way with her, she has some things that she’s working through in order to let me all the way in. I don’t doubt that she’s into me. (Also, I think it’s worth noting that we’re long distance). Communication is definitely key and we both agree on that. I’m good to hear that you’re understanding your own situation better. It’s extremely risky to get close to someone because when they hurt you, it could take years to fully heal from that (especially if sex was involved). She just told me a story about her ex doing something to defend her and that kinda threw me over the edge. I don’t really like hearing about any of her experiences with him, they bother me since I don’t have any of my own. (I grew up being a little scared of intimacy and have stayed a virgin)

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight that’s how abusive relationships are. Although my ex was abusive, he did have good qualities that made me stay for a while. I think the most important aspect is asking her if she is ready to let go of her ex completely. So the thing with abuse is by her still having ways to contact her ex, she is not over her ex. She is keeping him in a loop to see if he will try to coax her back. With abusive situations , she needs to go no contact and completely block him without looking back. If she hasn’t attempted to block him or anything - she isn’t ready to give him up

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Yeah, she’s mentioned to me that she believes he’s a decent fella that needs guidance I would agree with that. She told me she would never stop loving him but that she’s done with him so we’ll see. They had a lot of memories together. I’ve told her to block him and she still communicates with him ever now and again. Me and her talk a lot and she tells me she likes me and wants to be with me alone so I dunno. She said that she feels upset a bit that her ex is gonna get his life together and find a woman after all the pain he put her through so, I dunno how to feel about that. I’ve asked her to block him on everything but I don’t think she will because she wants to help him. I’m a pretty meek guy but I feel like at some point I’d have to draw a line in the sand, right? Being the man and all.

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight I highly recommend you suggest that in order for you two to build any kind of relationship, she needs to leave her ex alone and stop contacting him, and block him forever. Try to suggest it and if she can’t get to terms of that, I think you need to tell her you are going to walk away. As much as you do like her, it’s not your job to fix her out of this abusive situation and you don’t deserve to be put in the middle of it.

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

I think that you’re very right. I want to be able to have a reasonable conversation with her (mostly likely tomorrow, I’m too upset today) and explain that I don’t want to hear about him anymore. It’s a little hard because I walked in on this chapter, she was very attached to him. You don’t get to pick what chapter of a person’s life you walk in on.. I dunno when she mentions him, I can’t help but feel like she likes him more than me or something.. I can’t compete with a person with years of experience. I just do know that I don’t like it, it throws off my mind and it upsets me and makes me feel dumb like I’m messing with a girl who maybe doesn’t like me as much as I think and maybe she wants her ex. I don’t want to waste my time and I don’t wanna waste her. I don’t want my feelings hurt and I don’t wanna waste hers. But I know I don’t deserve to feel like this.. it makes it harder for me to pray

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight definitely do it tomorrow, think about what exactly you want to say exactly. But you are right, you can’t compete with someone that has treated her badly but she still won’t let go. It’s something that she needs to learn on her own. I only got out of my situation by breaking up, blocking and not looking back. I think even after doing all that, I had lots of hurdles of dissecting my emotions. Seems like she may have a long journey ahead before she can reasonably date. Maybe I’m wrong and she will block him tomorrow (who knows) but if she can’t leave him behind, just let her go

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

I think I’ll wait for her to bring it up, because I just have a feeling that she will. It really hurts me because she’s told me that men have been pretty rough to her and we’ve made a lot of progress together, but that doesn’t negate how I feel. I’m just going to tell her that I really don’t like hearing those kinda things at all, and I’ll see where things go based on her reaction. If that’s the end, that’s the end. It’s sad because of my feelings for her and her feelings for me but I genuinely cannot stand being hurt like this. I’m sorry to hear you had experienced that in a relationship with someone who’s supposed to love you and care for you but I’m glad to hear you’re coming out on the other side. I feel that way too. She’s told me that I’ve helped her out a lot and her life has been better because of me, but I don’t wanna be hurt like this. The possibility of letting her go would hurt so much

[kylee2437]

@theworkerarmidnight I wouldn’t wait , I think you should say you need to talk to her. You waiting for her to bring it up is only going to make her feel like her feelings are being ignored when this convo is about your remote feelings to how you feel. And it’s okay! My last relationship was a huge life lesson. And trust me I am sure you did help her and maybe you pushed her closer to realizing there’s better men out there, but your worth is just as important as hers is and you deserve someone that is emotionally available for you too

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

It’s pretty crazy because today I was planning on having a very serious conversation about where I saw our futures headed. I’m just tired of feeling like this because this time could be used to do better things, it’s a pain feeling bad over people. I feel like waiting is best because she did know I was in a bad mood and it had to do with what she said, so she should be bringing it up and we’ll see. If she doesn’t then welp, it is what it is and I’ll bring it up. Sometimes it’s hard to get over your partner’s past. Relationships teach us so much about ourselves. That’s exactly it, I helped her to kno we aren’t all the same and I guess this is a pretty common story. Girl gets hurt then meets nice guy but still misses the bad guy. Thank you for saying that. There are things to be done, can’t sit around being sad all day and mopping

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight it’s great that you didn’t choose a day to talk about it where emotions are out above logic. Serious conversations are hard! Person I’m talking to, I’ve had to sit him down a couple of times and communicate and it felt difficult but we have came to conclusions and solutions why me simply opening my mouth. I still have more serious convos to talk to him about and such. At the end of the day talking to her will get you to where you end up whether it be with or without her. Just know, you have done all you could for her but your worth is just as important

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Thank you Kylee. I truly appreciate what you have had to say. Having serious conversations is not easy and it’s hard to not have them and have your whole life change forever. I don’t know things are going to go from here but I’ll do what I can. My worth is important too and these things really bother me so I’ll be sure to voice how I feel and I’ll see how things go. Have as many conversations as you need to, as long as there’s agreement on both sides or some form of middle ground, progress was made.

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Thought I would give an update. I spoke to her, and it’s a little always now but she said she won’t mention him anymore

[kylee2437]

@TheWorkerAtMidnight glad she said that! Just make sure her actions represent her words because it’s something easier said than done.

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

Thank you so much

[Anonymous]

6 weeks and you see a future with her already. You need to slow down.

[TheWorkerAtMidnight]

With my beliefs, we move rather quickly when it comes to relationships

[Soloalone]

Walk away and see if she'll feel your absence

[Anonymous]

She will go back. You are a rebound.

[Anonymous]

Hugs