Boyfriend forcing me to make decision about having kids. What do I do?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together over 9 months now and it's just amazing, best relationship I've ever been in.

There is one issue though, he told me in the first few weeks that he does NOT want children at all, ever, and this is a non-negotiable.

I told him I wasn't sure and would think about it.

Recently things have been getting more serious and he's told me he needs me to make a decision NOW, because he doesn't want to continue this if we are going to have to break up later on due to differences.

I feel if he really loved me he wouldn't push for this decision now, and if we DO stay together and I decide I want children, we would compromise, but he says there is no compromise in this.

What do I do / say?

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

So recently I just started dating someone who's previous relationship fell apart over this this issue.

She told her, boyfriend that she never wanted kids ever, and it was non-negotiable to her. He said he always thought he would have kids but wasn't sure. But he said that he could live with that, because he loved her.

They got married and she thought she had the love of her life. Four years into marriage he decided that he really wanted kids. She was 100% certain that she still didn't and was upset because she was very straight forward and honest about it from the very start. Well, he kind of thought that if she really loved him that she would change her mind about it. And she thought if he really loved her, there is no way he would expect her to ever change her mind.

So no, I do not think you are right to say;

""I feel if he really loved me, he wouldn't push for this decision now, and if we DO stay together and I decide I want children, we would compromise, but he says there is no compromise in this.""

He is 100% correct in this situation. He probably does really love you, but he does not want to invest all this time to end up heartbroken like my girlfriend's marriage ended. She was devastated when they devoiced, she really loved him and was very honest with him and she felt very violated and betrayed when after marriage he did this to her.

Twalli · Accepted Answer

Decide whether he or kids is more important. I told my girlfriend on date 2 that I would only accept kids if we adopted and she was on the same page. I wouldn't have dated you for more than 2 dates if you couldn't decide on birthing children. You've been together 9 months, the fact that he's let you be undecided this long means he really likes you. At the same time, he wants to actually make a life for himself and a girl, and you not deciding on kids is the roadblock for him discovering if that girl will be you. If he ever intends to marry you, then you need to make this decision. Maybe he's considering proposing in the next few months. You said that the relationship has been getting more serious, and from what you've said it's been the best relationship you've been in. Maybe it's the same for him, and if you're on board with not having kids, you'll soon no longer be his girlfriend but his fiancee and then later, his wife. If that's his thought process, he wants to MARRY you, I don't know how you can not see that as love.

Aerissa_Jade · Accepted Answer

If you are not sure if you want to have kids or not, and he is 100% sure he doesn't want them, then you two are not compatible.

Continuing down this path, will only end up in heartache and pain down the road, along with wasted time for both of you.

Do not expect someone you love and care about to change later on for you, it doesn't work that way, if they try, they will resent you for it.

There is no compromise on having children, it is either you do or you don't.

The fact that you are unsure means you probably will want them someday, with the right person, because if you were sure, you could say without a doubt that you do not want them ever.

Many people who want kids have known that for a long time that they will want them someday.

You both should have a talk about this and decide to part on good terms, as him trying to force you now is because he is not ever going to want them. He wants to end things before it gets worse.

Don't commit to him that you won't, if your not sure, because it will make you miserable later.

Do realize, there are others out there that you could be just as happy with, if not more.

Best of luck.

BlueScorpio · Accepted Answer

This is a very important decision you need to think about for yourself. You are still young and have plenty of time to decide if wanting a family is right for you or not. If he's saying it's non-negotiable, then there will be no compromising this in the future. The last thing you want is to wake up one day realizing you did want a family only for it to be too late to start one. It seems like he knows exactly what he wants and you're still on the fence... so if your not on the same path then there's a chance the relationship isn't for the both of you.

coachTanthony · Answer

You say thank you for your honesty in the beginning and still holding to that honesty and boundary and non-negotiable today.

He obviously has convictions about this and is not going to change his mind. You will regret it if someday you do want kids. Most guys like this don't compromise especially when they are up front and honest from the get go.

As amazing this relationship is in your eyes it's obviously not that amazing for him to ever compromise on this so... find someone you are aligned with because it ain't him.

Guy13 · Answer

I have a classroom assignment for you two. By 12/15 I want from each of you, two individually itemized lists of 5 Good Reasons and 5 Bad Reasons to have children completed and copy exchanged.
From 12/27/22-12/30/22, I want negotiations concluded and a Directional Vision implemented. on 1/1/2023

QuadDamage · Answer

Depends on age a lot in my pov.

I've heard countless people say they NEVER want kids. Then come another 10y when they've started seeing things from another perspective. A perspective they could not have anticipate, nor forseen because they were 20-25 when they made this statement and just too young.

2 our of 4 has kids today.

I think he is being very respectful to you by bluntly just laying it down. If he really is certain (how ever anybody can know that or see into the future) it is a sound move to not invest more time. And it will save you heartache.

Best of luck 🙏

lightbulb27 · Answer

You can spend some $ on couples therapy as a fun exercise to help process the end to this and find out why he thinks that way and what you think. Or you can sit down and talk, but he's going to go " ballistic" when challenged with his fears and shame. He has a strong emotional bias... no kids right now.

If you can commit to no kids, then you can stay, but probably suffer later. Things change when you are together, your desire will change. This is a value disconnect, so get out...

then the question becomes why did you get into this. lesson learned.

Labokachulaa · Answer

Honestly, he's already told you that he's not willing to compromise. I wouldn't further things if that's not okay with you. Usually, people like this are stuck in their ways. They don't like to change. It's a possibility that maybe he's just basing his opinion on how his life is now. Maybe he just doesn't see himself being a father. Maybe he could feel this way because of the relationship with you, but, it's not fair to you because then you're stuck with the ultimatum. The reason I kept repeating "maybe" is because you sound unsure, but life is too short for "maybes". I think you should find someone who's already on the same page as you. You're still young and have time to decide, but I honestly wouldn't waste anymore on him especially when he flat out said there's no compromise. It's a very slim chance that he's going to change his mind about it later.

Anonymous · Answer

Why the fuck should he waste his time and energy on you for years only for you to turn around and leave him later because you want kids?

This is all total bullshit anyway because the long and the short of it is that you don't know so anything you say is completely fucking meaningless but he is too young and stupid to realise that.

There is another post on here right now about cat ownership.

I honestly don't understand how you people can't grasp the extremely simple and obvious premise that this stuff matters, you keep talking about what colour hair you want people to have, what the fuck are you talking about?

Why are you fucking screening people on hair colour and then getting confused about children and pets?

Are you all completely retarded?

Anonymous · Answer

You walk. If he’s 100% sure he does not want kids then you need to move on. I’m not saying you’re old, but in relation to Mother Nature there is usually a good time frame for women having children. So let’s say you stayed w him another 4-6 years then you decide you wanted children. You’d maybe be mid 20’s. But can I safely assume you’d want to get married? If so marriage should come before children, so that may take you into your late 20’s before having children. Now assume you two divorced cause he wouldn’t compromise on children. How long before you met someone else, got married then had children? Because let’s face it, mother nature as well as Father Time have a time frame for all things. As you get older it would be harder for you to meet someone who would want to marry someone much older as well as have kids. I’m not saying it’s impossible, your chances are just slimmer.

Anonymous · Answer

You know he is sure he's gonna stay childfree.

And you are undecided about wanting kids.

From a practical point of view until you know you want or don't want kids you are not on the same page as your boyfriend is. You don't even have to make a decision now or ever really.

Which is grounds for no longer continuing the relationship and not wasting more time for both of you.

What do you say? Simple. You say you are undecided about kids and let him go. It will be a break up.

Moose304 · Answer

From my point of view as somebody that feels the same way. The man has told you upfront how he feels. He is not the bad guy so please don't make him out to be one. You must respect his decision. Just as he must respect yours to move on. Too many people enter relationships with a thought in the back of their brain they can change them. Sometimes you can, and sometimes you can't. I suggest cutting your losses and moving on.

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t think he is out of place, it’s really an act of kindness for the two of you. I’m pretty sure that it must hurt to him that he loves you very much but he won’t be able to fulfill your plans of having kids in the future. He must see it as it would be better if you have it clear what you want and expect from the relationship and evaluate if that will make you happy or not, if not then you will be right on time to quit and look for something better.

ProVox · Answer

Wow, only 9 months and you're getting an ultimatum on having children? I wouldn't even be discussing kids at 9 months. Marriage, engagement, maybe?
Kick him to the curb if he can't respect your wishes on something of this magnitude.
How many more ultimatums will you be given and for what next time?

petitedollbabee · Answer

I think he’s in the right. As someone who doesn’t want kids myself, I can’t be in a long term relationship with someone who is on the fence about whether they want kids or not. Otherwise it’s a waste of time if 3 years later they leave me because they want kids. So I think your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He’s trying to save you both from wasting time, and there’s no “compromise” if he doesn’t want kids.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

If kids is what you want and he never wants kids, I don't need how such a big difference can ever be compromised. It doesn't matter if you love him so much. Are you willing to waste all your fertile years on someone that doesn't want kids?

Just loving someone isn't good enough if you're not on the same page on something important. I don't see how your relationship will work out. It's best to call it quits now while you can.

Anonymous · Answer

He warned you going in, this was NOT NEGOTIABLE and here you are, already thinking if YOU want kids, he can compromise?

You're an idiot.

There is no compromising with this, and he clearly doesn't want to waste your time and his on a relationship that's doomed to fail, because he was honest and you were deluded.

Ill_made_Knight · Answer

No way you could possibly make a life long pronouncement about never having kids at this early stage of your life... I've known too many ladies that felt that way right up into their thirties, and their biology starts whispering to them "it's now or never"...
You'll have to feel your way through this one, but it is, in my opinion, unreasonable for him to as k you for any such guarantee.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Respect his decision. If you know you want a family/kids. Then you must leave now.  he is sure if what he wants.  it’s that simple. Don’t complicate things.  better now than after you get married.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

There is no compromise on kids; you either have them, or you don’t. The way you handle this situation is to be honest about where you are at on the issue. If the reality is that you don’t know, then you don’t know. There is nothing wrong with not knowing, especially at your age, but you can’t not tell people if you don’t know.

Jemini_Crocket · Answer

You break up.
He does NOT want kids from the beginning, he's still sure of it and wants you to finally decide whether you accept his decision or not. You haven't, you never really respected it in the first place (judging from what you have written above).

He probably does love you but he knows what he wants and that you probably want the opposite thus the relationship won't last.

HighValue · Answer

What do you see as a "compromise?" Having kids (you get your way) or not having kids (he gets his way)?

Because only ONE person can get their way and he is CLEARLY telling you now what is and is not acceptable for him.

Basically, either don't have kids, or end the relationship and find someone that is compatible with you.

MilaRay · Answer

Respect him telling you this because he is trying to make sure you guys are on the same page. He isn’t “forcing” you to do anything. He is giving you the option to continue knowing that he will not give you children if you agree to his wants. Make sure it’s what you want also if you decide to continue this relationship. If it’s important to you to have kids, end it now on good terms. He is giving you the choice to make.

Boyfriend forcing me to make decision about having kids. What do I do?

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