I have a really deep question. My boyfriend wants me but not my child in his life. I have a 3 year-old son and I broke up with my husband and my son lives with me. I have a new boyfriend, we are thinking of getting married, he loves me so much, but he doesn't want to live with my son. Do you think this relationship will work?
No! I'm sorry but that relationship WILL NOT work. I don't think I've ever been so sure of that about any couple in my whole life.
You know it won't work. I know you do.
I don't have kids. But I have a 4 year-old nephew, and a 15-month-old niece who I love more than anything else in this world. I have a mere glimpse into how much a parent might love their child.
You and your son come as a 'single unit'. There IS no version of "you" that isn't "you with your son." You know that. There is no "convincing" a guy who isn't willing/able to "accept" your son. That's just not something anyone can ever be convinced-of.
Either a guy is willing to take-on the role of father-figure if he were to marry you, or he can't marry you. That really is the only two ways that can go!
He will not 'grow' to be accepting of your son, if he isn't accepting of him now. I know it's hard, but this is as 'clear' a sign that this is the WRONG GUY for you as signs get. Your son's happiness is critical to your own happiness. Don't consider putting him in a situation where he's (at best) going to be resented and neglected by the man married to his mother.
There is only one right thing to do here, if you love you son (which I'm sure you do).
This relationship cannot possibly work. If he is not accepting of your son now, then you cannot ever hope he will be. He won't. This is very black-and-white. I'm sorry.
VERY WELL SAID!
You're nearly 40. How on earth and why on earth would you go as far with a man as becoming his girlfriend without discussing taking care of your children?
And how do you as a mother struggle to pick between a grown ass man who can fend for himself vs a little baby who NEEDS his mother? Forget the sentimental side of things, if you are a parent you have a responsibility towards of child and just for that you need to prioritize giving him time, attention and care. Not saying you cannot have anything else going on in your life, but you cannot neglect a child's needs.
How does your boyfriend even date you knowing you have a child that he doesn't want to take care of? Whether or not he likes it if he will make you a part of his life then your child will also be a part of his life. I'm assuming your boyfriend is around your age or maybe even older, I don't understand how a grown man at this age doesn't have that foresight.
If he really wants you to be able to make time for him he can pay for nannies and maids to look after him. If you really want to be with him despite knowing he wants no part of your child then you are the one who has to find a way to balance your romantic life and childcare. You face the consequences of your decision.
Sorry not sorry about using such harsh tone, it's embarrassing to see people well into their adulthood being this irresponsible. You'd imagine those years would have taught you both better.
You're really out here concerning yourself over an immature manbaby who is incredibly selfish and entitled, the freaking audacity to think he can have his cake and eat it too. And you are out here hoping you can change him, wow. That "I can change him" mindset is understandable in teenage girls and young adult women because they don't know any better but it really doesn't suit you.
A friend on mine said this quote that stuck with me and your question reminded me of it again. She said, "men are assholes but women are stupid".
Well said👏👏👏👏
You can’t! And you don’t! Your son and his happiness/wellbeing should be the most important thing. He’s already having to adjust to his family/ living situation changing. Now not only are you already dating someone and throwing the marriage word out there, but someone that doesn’t want to accept your son. Change his mind? Why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be a part of your son’s life, which by extension means your life as well, cuz isn’t your son the biggest part of your life? He should be right now..
I love that way you think
@Bklynbadboy12 thanks… not bad for a blonde eh😁🤣
@Brainsbeforebeauty Don't get me started cause you know you was my first gag crush. Sexy and intelligent! 😉😉😉😉
@Bklynbadboy12 your first, haha yeah sure LOL 😆 🤣
u 1. "How can I convince him?" If he wanted to be a part of your son's life, you would not ned to convince him. If he doesn't want to be a part of your son's life, why would you want to convince him? Ultimately, that just leads to resentment and regrets.
2. "I broke up with my husband" Does that mean that you are not yet divorced from your husband? If so, why are you rushing forward into another relationship? Is your need for sex THAT strong? Or are you that afraid of being alone?
3. "I have a new boyfriend, we are thinking of getting married." You really ought to get divorced first and learn how to take cae of yourself and your son before you launch into another relationship. People who have rebound relationships tend to repeat the mistakes they made in the relationship they just ended.
4. "He loves me so much, but he doesn't want to live with my son." You didn't tell us anything about how long you have been dating or shacking up.
5. "Do you think this relationship will work?" When you jump out of one bed and directly into another bed, it usually doesn't work.
Opinion
82Opinion
He wants part of who you but not all of you. This will never work long-term and your heart knows this already. So. both you and your child are being exposed to something that will never materialize into a secure environment for the child or you. It makes no sense.
It will never work. You and your son are a package deal. No point in giving him an ultimatum... he's made his position clear. Fir the sake if you and your son, break up with that guy and find yourself another man.
You can't convince him, never going to happen. He simply wants you to abandon your child, give him to his father or whatever to get him out.
He really doesn't want you, if he doesn't want all of you... move on.
Well said
Well. This really seems it’s not meant to be. If you’re dating a guy who refuses to be around your son. You don’t have much of a future with him. Unless you’re wanting to….. Not see your son anymore.
To me. I think this isn’t meant to be
Tell him tough titties. Why would you want to be with a guy who even says that kind of bullshit?
You can't. it should of been a package deal discussed from the very beginning. This relationship is over in my opinion.
That is a package deal. If a man falls in love with a woman, and finds out she has a kid, or 2, or 3, etc.
Then he has to decide if he can handle her baggage. If he cannot then that's it. Move on.
Do not let this guy be a dominating control freak on you.
He might be one of those guys that would try to send your kid off to a boarding or military school.
Do not do that to your kid. Either this guy loves all of you, including what popped out your vajayjay. Or he needs to get to stepping.
The only time I will take the guy's side over a kid that is not his, is when he does everything he can for that kid more than the real father of the kid and the kid does not appreciate him and all that he does for the kid.
I believe if a man steps into a kids life and has no malicious intent, he should be able to discipline a kid. But he has to be on the same page with the mother on he disciplines and that it is acceptable by her.
Otherwise I always side with the mother and the kid.
Of course it's not going to work. As a mother with a child, you cannot pretend that you are single and childless and start dating men that don't accept your child - that should have eliminated this man from consideration immediately, before you had any strong feelings for him. Now it's going to be far more difficult to end things with him, and that is the consequences of your own poor judgment.
You need to live in the real world - your child is your top priority, and IF you date, it can ONLY be with a man who will take your child too. And let's be coldly blunt: most men won't, so your pool of available men is small. You may not like that, but that's your reality. A child changes everything.
End it with this guy, and be much more thorough when vetting any new man - remembering always that your child's well-being, not your own happiness, is your priority. That's the responsibility that comes with bringing a child into the world.
This guy is definitely not a match for you and your son.
If he isn't into your son and accepting him, your son will pay dearly for this. Please don't give you son a life of feeling bad all the time. It will ruin his life and he will grow up resenting you for bringing that guy into your little family. This would not be fair to your son at all!!!
When I was younger and a single mom this happened to me. I just got angry at the guy and said "I knew him before I knew you and he's staying". I didn't even want anything to do with that guy after that.
Yes, I was a single mom, but at least my son could be free in his own home without some boyfriend brow beating him up all the time.
Your son did not ask to be born. You brought him into this world. He deserves the best life you can give him, and it's not with that creep you are thinking about marrying.
this won’t end well i know from EXPERIENCE and am dealing with the backlash from my dad divorce as we speak. (his wife didn’t like me or my brother). don’t do this to your son or 2 yourself because you’re going to be found in the position where you’re going 2 lose one or the other. you’re going to have to CONSTANTLY defend your son bc your new husband will throw a fit about everything and that will strain your relationship and the same if you defend your husbands actions. it’s not worth it, you’re a PACKAGED deal and if he really loves you he’ll stop
being stubborn and stop hating on a child. he needs to grow up. i would hate for something to happen to your son.. if your soon to be husband is already vocal about disliking him just imagine what he’d do behind closed doors.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this
Sadly you can’t convince him. I suggested not marrying him. It’ll be hell for you and your child especially your kiddo. Please do what’s best in this situation and get out of it. You don’t need to convince him the best thing that can happen is blocking him out of your life. If he loves you he’ll have to love your child too. Remember your a package deal! If you truly can’t do that for your kid just because you want a man I suggest you give the kid up to the father to care for! Don’t put your child through that hell. I’ve been there done that and it traumatized me! Please update us.
Sorry, but no.
That he doesn't want your son should be a huge red flag. I was a step parent. I didn't mind helping raise my (former) wife's kids. That's part of the package. If he loves you, he loves your kids. Simple, plain and of immense importance. He's asking you to have divided loyalties from the beginning.
This is going to sound harsh, and it is, but I'm not apologizing for it... you should be embarrassed that you even asked this question. Your loyalty should be to your child. No boyfriend deserves loyalty over your own children.
If he doesn't want your child then he doesn't love you. He loves himself and he WANTS you... he doesn't love you.
Deep... true.
I'm in a similar relationship situation my girlfriend who has a 9 year old son.
My girlfriend gradually introduced me to him we get on well.
Early on I made my girlfriend aware I've not done the father thing so I would need to lean on her a bit for advice and help.
It was obvious from the get go out relationship we as always going to be me my girlfriend and her son. And I never would have told her to abandon him for me.
Some times things take a bit more planning but it's worth it.
Maybe he is afraid of trying to fill the boots of your child's father. Maybe it's something else but it's worth talking about it.
But if he can't accept he's not just dating you then it's time to part ways.
I understand his side and as a guy that took on another's kid... it's not worth the trouble. The kid will always be a problem if other influences are allowed. My step-kid would come home from a weekend at his dad's and start calling me a bitch. Great influences right?
This is why you should've been a little bit more selective on who you're going to make a kid with to begin with. You're probably not going to throw out the kid for a man, so only time will tell if the guy will just deal with it just to be with you.
If he deals with it though, do your part on keeping the kid under control. My kids will stop doing anything bad just because I look at them mean, my step-son is just a pain in everyone's ass... thank god he got a girl pregnant and moved out at 16...18 now, and not my problem anymore. He just smokes weed and brags about being a manager at a Taco Bell. He spends all of his time mate-guarding his chick.
You have any idea how many so called "boyfriends" abuses a woman's child when she is at work, and how many children die by a boyfriend's hand? A word to the wise - if he doesn't want your child, he will never treat him like he was wanted, and your child will grow up with problems. Do yourself a favor and pass this one by.
There's nothing deep about this question. Your need to tell that guy to fuck off into the sunset. Why are you even asking this question? You shouldn't even be thinking about marrying a guy who doesn't want your son around, or a guy who is your new boyfriend. Unless your son is Satan junior, the guy has no excuse for not wanting your son around. Get your tubes tied, don't have any more children. Children are not an option, you can't just give them away like a stray dog. You could dump your parental responsibility on your ex and be a deadbeat mom, and have your kids grow up hating you. Everybody is going to think you are the world's biggest piece of shit if you ditch your kid to marry some guy. Good luck with that, too.
Amen.
You shouldn't need to convince him, you are a package deal and anyone that doesn't accept your child, you should not give the time and day to! He doesn't deserve you if he can't accept your child! And him telling you this should make you walk better yet run the other way!
No! It will not work.
Your son is a part of you. Which means he does not like that part of you. Your son should mean more for you than your boyfriend.
If he loves you, then he should want to have your son in his life too.
If you abandon your son for a stupid boyfriend, then karma will hunt your whole life. You Will live with an unlucky life.
Was your boyfriend there when you struggled to raise your son? Or when you pushed him out of your pussy?
Have your boyfriend ever bought milk or good for your son?
What right does he have to tell you that he does not want your son?
If I had a child and q boyfriend tolv me that he dress not want my child, then i would imediatelly break up with him.
Fuck no there are plenty of other men what are you thinking being with such a selfish asshole. He doesn’t love you or even give a damn about you if he doesn’t accept all of you, I hope you don’t choose this loser over your child because that would make you a terrible person.
I agree with this whole heartedly. If a man can’t love a woman’s existing children and treat them with the respect they deserve, then he has already shown that he is not worthy of the woman either. He has shown that he is not capable of loving people in a way that’s necessary to have a relationship or family. It’s complete and total selfishness.
You don't. If he doesn't want your child he can't have you. Your a package deal and your child should always come first no matter what it shouldn't even be a question. How can someone ask someone to give up there child especially when he's only 3 years old like wtf.
You can't change a man mind and the fact he said that is a massive red flag and he will never love your child
Honey I would NEVER accept a man into my life that wouldn’t also accept my son, absolutely not. You and your son come as a package deal. If he doesn’t want to be part of your family now then he never will. And truthfully I feel that this puts your child at risk. He already doesn’t want anything to do with him, what’s going to happen when you do get married and he’s forced into a step-dad role that he doesn’t want? He will neglect or abuse your child, I guarantee it.
He doesn't want to have another mans child in his life and he's been clear about it. I dont think this can work. Sounds like he is asking for you to not have your son around which obviously isn't going to work for you. He knew you had a child when he started dating you so he shouldn't have let it get this far if he was not okay with it. It is time to tell him that you and your son is a package deal.
Succinctly 'No'... you and your son are a 'package' deal.
And your new boyfriend KNOWS at some point you would be forced to decide whose needs comes first.
Your son will FOREVER BE partly 'you' and your Ex- and... may have divided affections.
It is a RARE man whom can emotionally deal with... and broker a 'live and let live' past
giving her son AND her Ex- ... the means to 'rub your boyfriend's psychological rhubarb' in future family squabbles~
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. The problem with giving him an ultimatum, “It is both of us or neither of us,” is, if he accepts, you really don’t know if he really has had a change of heart. Since he already started that your child cannot be part of your lives together, you must part, as difficult as that will be. If you did not, next time make sure you talk about this early in the relationship.
Sorry but that isn't going to happen. He has to either be with you And your child or find someone else. If he stays with you and still doesn't change his opinion about it, it's never going to work out.
He may look like the guy you've been looking for, but he actually isn't. Your child is a big thing in your life, and having your goals straight is very important. Him not wanting to have your child in his life... that's not going to be possible, I am afraid...
What @OlderAndWiser said.
You can expend some energy figuring out why he doesn't want your son, and even more energy trying to change his feelings and beliefs.
Otherwise, wasting your time.
Try getting a man friend... they are better.
It's very sad and screwed thing that your guy wants you but not your kid. I mean who will take care of your kid if it's not you? Better try and convince your guy for the kid or lose him ! I know it may sound harsh at once but in the long run it'll do good if he ain't there with you guys. Unless some miracle happens and he starts loving your kid too !!
All the best !!
You already know the right answer to this.
I know it sucks and it’s heartbreaking but your son comes first. He isn’t replaceable but your boyfriend who is unwilling to accept him is.
Sorry you are stuck in this shitty scenario. But there are men out there who will marry single mothers and accept their children (just as long the guy believes your feelings for him are genuine).
No it won’t work , if he is already neglecting your son he is pretty much neglecting you , you are best to end it with this guy , if you stay with him you are going to jeopardize the love from your son because he will have resentments towards you for choosing a guy over him
As annoying as women are who state, 'I put my son first' on dating websites, that is exactly the kind of cut and dry response I would expect to see from a mother.
Maybe you should ask what it is about this relationship that is causing you to ignore this red flag? Is it some kind of desperation not to be single, or something else?
Look men aren't stupid. If a woman has a child then we know the child comes attached. Often a child can be resentful and it can make it difficult.
I would say your boyfriend has made his decision and you can't change it. All you can say it is me and my child or not me and my child. I think he has made his choice
You can’t convince a guy into wanting to be a step-father. Men are either cut out for it or not. It takes a lot of generosity and maturity. Also, he shouldn’t have gotten deeply involved with you when he knew you had a child if he wasn’t wanting to accept the child into his life.
How can that possibly not be a red flag? He wants you but not your child?
My son is 4. If my wife and I split up and I had another relationship a prerequisite would be for her to accept him. I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who wouldn't.
You can't and you shouldn't have to. Guys feel a little uneasy around other people's children sometimes but that's not an excuse. If he wants you he needs to accept you have a child and you can't choose him over you child. This is something you will have to decide for yourself, if he had a problem with it then he made the choice for you.
It will not work that way. You need someone who will love you and your child. Just because it's not his or because he doesn't like kids is out of the question be best to do what is best for your son. This coming from a mother myself. I have 2 year old.
I am sorry. Are you seriously asking this?
If your “Boyfriend” can’t handle your child/ son as a package deal than you need to leave him. He is clearly not ready to be a husband. Essentially, are you going to pick this dude over your child?
Trust me there is a man “not a boy”who will be able to love you and your son.
Make sure the door hits him in the butt on the way out. Did he understand what he got himself into from the beginning? Sounds like he doesn't like kids or want kids. It takes a special person to fulfill that parental roll.
Your son will be needing that father figure at some point in his life see if that convinces him.
If you have good reason to believe he doesn't want your child in his life then it's time to tell him to move on. The last thing you want to do is subject your child to a life of someone that doesn't love them that could also possibly abuse your child too. If you know he doesn't love your child it's time to let him go and that is my answer.
The man was honist. You were honist. Both of your wishes are opposite paths of life. Why should he give up his dream for you? Same can be asked why should you give up your dream for him?
If neither one is willing to do so, then I agree with almost all the girls and guys in this post, to listen to your heart before you let him go.
no and this shouldn't even be a question, YOUR CHILD should always be a priority over a boyfriend. He obviously doesn't love you as much as you think if he can't accept your child being with you, HIS MOTHER. " How can I convince him" You feeling you HAVE to convince someone to accept your child is already a major red flag
Nope. If he can't handle living with your son, then he is not the right guy for you. I understand a woman with a child is baggage, but as long you are not asking him to father your child, he should nit be asking you to separate with your child.
He doesn't really want you. He just wants to have sex with you. Your child IS part of the package. Just be careful to stay away from any potential child molesters.
No unless your boyfriend changes his mind it won't work these are the type of guy that "forget" your child in a car on a hot day , and if he loved you much he would welcome. the child into his life also
I am not emotionally involved so this seems like a no brainer.
You have a kid. They aren't moving out for a long time. If he doesn't want to be around the kid then you two are NOT COMPATIBLE so move on.
That is not gonna work. Any guy who loves you but not your kid doesn’t really love you. At least not enough to make it work. You and your son are a package deal.
It doesn't make sense to me to put your life together with someone who doesn't accept you with your child...
That's wrong I would not convince him of anything if he lives you he accepts you for who and what you are a women and a mother or get lost. He doesn't really love to love you
Sorry about the spelling I didn't check it before I sent it. That relationship will not work. You have to think about your child her is your flesh and blood and yours forever till death do you part. Men come and go he's not worthy of your Love. Don't sacrifice your child's life. A better man dill come along.
How would it ever be able to work out?
You come with the kid, it's a package deal.
Honestly, I would never be able to be with someone if they felt like that with my (hypothetical) kid.
Definitely could work out, my moms a single mom and had many girlfriends while my brother and I were growing up none of them lived with us.
Fuk him and send him home, don't live together. He is a dial up boyfriend. Just call and he'll come running.
He wouldn’t have a choice. There is no off switch on a child to conveniently put them away. They are a part of you, a large part.
It's an old story, kiddo.
Few guys like single moms, and you either need to give up your kid for adoption to get with your man; or give up you man to raise your kid.
You don’t. All you say is “I come in a package deal with my child. Take it or leave it.” And you have to make peace with whatever his decision is.
Don't. Fk him. It's you and your kid or some fish you found in the river who "seems" to click.
You can't convince him. Kick his butt to the curb bc boyfriends come and go but you'll be your son's mom forever.
Nope. No chance of it working out if he can’t accept your son and you don’t have the right to discard your son for your boyfriend.
This is not going to work. You and your son and a package deal that can not be broken. If he can't accept your son, then he cannot accept you. If you force your son on your boyfriend, he will only resent you and your son.
Tell him you're an "All Inclusive" package! NO substitutions. NO modifications. Otherwise, he can hit the highway!
ALSO tell him if your son doesn't like him, then you'll DROP HIS SORRY ASS!
One of the things I've learned years ago you can always choose your friends but you can never choose your family. You can put it this way you probably have a great son. And you can always find a new boyfriend.
Good luck with your decision.
let him go. prioritise your kid. anyone who can’t accept or love your kid like they love you, are not worth your time.
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