Got my heart broken. Is it my fault for losing her?

[Anonymous]

I’ve had feelings for my good friend for a while now. The reason I didn’t ever express it to her is bc of how much she’s been focusing on school work. She did terrible initially and really was stressing from it, so I didn’t want to add more stress to her life by telling her. Instead I supported her whenever she broke down, helped her study, etc

fast forward, before break I find out she’s been dming this guy who’s a year ahead of us for a while now, the same amount of time we’ve been talking. We were at a bar w our class and I went w her so we could go home together later. Soon that guy walks over and starts talking to her and I saw her look on him so I decided to leave. At that point I was mad and couldn’t stay anymore. It’s odd that he somehow knew we were there. I then found out they got w each other.

I know she’s not obligated to only speak to me and I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself for being too passive and prob losing her. All my friends say that she’s fake af for that but I feel that she didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. But I also feel that she’s an a hole for tossing me to the side (I’m being very contradicting). I don't know what to think at this point.

[DaveJord]

Yup you fucked it up, you made the classic mistake that every guy makes at least once in life. The good news is that you seem to be in a good place to learn from this mistake. You are correct, she did nothing wrong. You played the friendship line with the hopes of developing a romantic relationship... but you were never honest with her about how you really felt. So, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Here is the deal my man, you need to understand this... The most important commodity you can provide to a woman is your friendship, and all the emotional support and caring that comes with that friendship. But when you give it willing without the romantic expectations, then you are basically giving it away for free. The women gets every benefit of being in a relationship without having to worry about the romance or being hurt. So basically, she gets all the benefits while being required to invest and risk less.

For men to give away his friendship with out sex, or the expectation of future romance, is like women giving way sex without friendship. Once a woman starts to think of you as just being a friend then she will seek romance somewhere else, and it's hard to get her to see you as anything else other than a friend. Remember this my man, friendship does not necessarily lead to love, just like sex does not necessarily lead to love. When a woman gives away sex on the first date, it's hard for a man to expect anything less or more than sex on the second date... and when you give away your friendship to a woman without sex, then she will accept it without any expectation of ever having to more or less to keep it.

In the end you fell into the Freind Zone trap... but she did not trap you, you trapped yourself by not approaching the situation from the start with the right perspective. So yes, you got burned... but you're the one that put your hand in the flame. She did not take advantage of you, nor was she fake AF, you were the one that was fake AF. You never really just wanted to freinds with this woman... but that is how you played it and were never honest with her about it.

So yes, be mad, and upset and remember this and how it played out and don't forget this feeling... because it will always serve to remind you never to do it again. ALWAYS, remember to be direct with women and honest about your feelings and intentions. Even if she rejects you upfront, it better then feeling how you feel right now after invested more than you should of if you had expectations for more.

There is not more valuable friendship or special bond in this world, than that exists between a man and woman... but that friendship comes with expectations, because if all you wanted was just friendship then you have your guy freinds for that. She is a woman, and you did not make her feel like a special woman, nor did you put yourself forward in this relationship as a special type of guy.

[ShadezMcgee]

I don't see how she is the asshole here, man. If we want to be real, you had feelings for her and didn't act on them out of what you perceived as stress she was dealing with and not wanting to bother her. She had no way of knowing you liked her. You did exactly what a good friend does and it is fairly similar to what you see in those cheesy romance and romcom movies. Being the friend first never works because you are only going to be seen as a friend, nothing more. It sucks, but it's true.

People want an escape from the bullshit in their lives and you potentially could have been the escape that this guy who she is now with is. You are a good dude for helping her out, but it came at the cost of what you really wanted. At this point, your best bet is to move on and learn from this. When you like a woman, ask her on a date and go from there. Make it clear it is a date so there is no misunderstanding about your intentions. If she and this guy don't work out, then you can try again and make a move. Be direct and assertive.

[Anonymous]

It’s your fault because you didn’t tell her. As far as she’s concerned you two are friends, so you can’t expect her to be romantically loyal to you. She can’t toss you aside when there was never anything between you two either, so any anger you have about her talking to another guy is misplaced and unfair. Should you confess your feeling now? No, because you’ve had ample time to make a move and chose not to. Despite your reason why you think she couldn’t have prioritized you, you should’ve given her the opportunity to make her own decision. So what do you do now? Wait it out. If they don’t work then make your move, but don’t interfere with what she’s got going on now, it’s not right. You lost your chance but if you’re meant to then you will get another.

[Guy13]

You sound like a stand-up guy with the right priorities. Focusing on your future career and studies is the proper way to behave. You want a woman that is mature enough to understand this.

It sounds more like a timing thing to me and that her interest are scattered. I do not think she is ready for an exclusive relationship even though she slept with that guy. Good luck with your career and her...

[Summeroflove]

It’s probably just not meant to be.

[Summeroflove]

Also if you got vibes she isn’t into you on a gut level. She might not of been or she might have been.

My advice. Move on and learn from this and next time talk to someone

[SnowedIn]

Sounds like you had a friend. Not a lover and certainly not a relationship. She looked for a relationship but not with a man I think she thought of as a friend.

She did nothing wrong.

Yes, it is your fault but only for not telling her how you felt.

Don't make it worse by sulking. Keep being the nice guy you were and supporting her and being a friend. That's rewarding and both of you can use that.

[driven159]

be glad you didn't invest a lot of time and effort in her find someone new and don't hold back on how you feel

[Anonymous]

Of course not. These cursed gold diggers will dump you the moment someone more interesting comes along.

[Twalli]

You didn't make a move, another guy did.