Boyfriend and I are currently in a weird spot. need advice?

[Anonymous]

or ex.. i need advice.. a month ago we were spending more time together because he's leaving for his job and we won't be able to talk at all (he's in the army). for the most part, everything was great. he's the first guy I've been with that made me feel this loved. first guy i feel comfortable being myself around. he tries to make my life better (any problems i have), he spends a lot of time with me, i always wake up with breakfast and coffee he makes (he's a morning person), gives me massages when im having period cramps or headaches, takes care of me every time i was feeling sick (at one point he was feeding me food- i found it sweet), and we found these funny cos he said he never thought he'd do these things for someone. he's always been there for me. he's introduced me to his friends/family. i can go on but i just wanna say first that he's a great boyfriend. he does his best to make me happy (i never had to ask for any of these by the way). not to mention i find him funny and he actually makes me laugh (very rare for me from guys lol)

nothing's perfect of course. going to the bad side, he has a very short temper, bad anger issues (he says working out a lot helps him control it), smokes every day, addicted to nicotine, and drinks often. there is more stuff that bothers me, but on the stuff that we've talked about, he tries hard to compromise w me. which means a lot. he gets jealous pretty easily (not a bad thing, he just has a bad way of showing it sometimes).

2 weeks ago (a day before he had to leave), we had a big argument. i have my issues as well. when im hurt and upset, i get quiet and shut down. he's the opposite. he's very confrontational. this annoys him (i dont blame him). he ends up shouting and cursing. i ended up wanting to leave his place so i dont feel worse. he told me if i leave, he would have to break up with me. this isn't the first time he's threatened to end it, but he realizes this and eventually apologized for it. i still left at that time.

Updates

1 y

after i drove off, i considered us broken up. i called to see him because i didn't like how we ended it. we were both calmer. he thought i called to patch things up. so he ended up being angry after i told him i just didn't wanna leave things that way with him. after parting ways again, he called me and basically let all his feelings out. he was shouting so much, cursing so much, and saying a lot of things that hurt me pretty bad.

Updates

1 y

i told him to leave me alone after that phone call. he said okay (after apologizing a lot and calming down). later that day he called me and asked to see me. i was feeling very shitty and i knew seeing him would make me feel better so i did. he was apologizing again and again and told me he realized how wrong he was for all the stuff he said. he asked for me to at least think about breaking up until he gets back (which is next week), but i still dont know what to do. i can't seem to let it go.

[Screenwriter]

After initially breaking up people are always second-guessing themselves. But your breakup seems rational. His excessive anger, shouting, cursing at you are emotionally abusive and hurtful. Doesn't matter how many nice things he does. The negatives far outweigh them.

Seeing that this is your first, it's always hardest. But your natural instincts are correct. Let this guy go. His negatives will not get better. He needs to grow up and get therapy. The Army is not the place where this will occur.

Go your own way. You will have many opportunities to meet young men who will treat you well all around and not abuse you on the side. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks for saying all these, I've been doubting myself since i last talked to him. He did promise to never talk to me again that way, and he said if we stay together, he would know what to do. He said he would just give me the space i ask for, be nice and patient with me, bring me food, etc.. and it sounds nice, but yes you’re probably right. I also know that everything he said will always be in the back of my head, and i dont wanna stay with him just to end up holding grudges towards him. Ig i just needed to know for sure im making the right choice.

[Screenwriter]

Abusers ALWAYS apologize and say they'll never do it again to keep their abused person on the hook. They make florid apologies, hearts and flowers, i'll leave you alone, give you space... anything to keep the victim around. Because they're repeating something that they witnessed as a child with their own parents: He's one of the 33%. One third of abuse victims continue the chain of abuse. You've found him. Now leave him behind. YOU get therapy to get over this cycle and to recognize it if you EVER see it again and run the other way. Good luck.

[SexyRedd1966]

He sounds toxic as fuck to me.. I would keep it moving... you don't want somebody who every time they're angry they curse you out and yell and scream... you can be mad at someone and not talk to them like that... he has no respect

[Kinkyhubby]

I don't know what rank he is, or how long he has been in. so depending on that, he could be under stress and getting ready to deploy I assume overseas, but it could be a 1 month ration state side. I am exarmy. a lot of soldiers smoke and drink. I know I did. Serving in the army can be great, but it is tough. At times I still have a short temper also, and do get jealous at times. Doesn't help my ex-wife cheated while I was oversea. Soldiers hold a lot him, and we don't always open ourselves to others. We try to hold ourselves together and don't show emotion. Part of that is the training and the life we lead. Hope that gives you some insight. Doesn't make it right for him to be verbally or physically abusive. But I think most smoke and drink because deep down we know we can go oversea and fight and may die, so those are our crutch. I know I never like it when I heard from family smoking isn't good. Best of luck

[Asker]

He has been stressed before leaving indeed, but he said he’s always had anger issues and short temper way before he joined the army.. and yeah i try to avoid being a “nagging” girlfriend but he knows im worried about him always smoking and drinking (he's always said he appreciates it because no one ever cared enough to tell him that). I care about him a lot but yeah you're right, it doesn’t excuse how he ended up treating me.. i appreciate your insight.

[Anonymous]

That’s your new life with military guy.
Take it or leave it.
Military freaks like him need to leave their ranks at work and if they can’t then it’s surely not your responsibility to fix it. They are loyal to the military first, play to their family second, loyal to their dry cleaners third and then you’re just there for him to explode whenever he wants.


Ultimately it’s up to you if you want this to be your new normal life.

[Dav1dTh0ma3]

I will never understand why women date army men. Knowing they will have to go away every so often. I feel like you're only settling for him