I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. but it seems he is full of words not actions. help?

[Anonymous]

I feel like he is not putting enough effort in the relationship. And now we are in LDR.
I've been always initiating the good morning/good night text and would message first. I already address the issue to him n he said he would try and would tell me that I always take over it. But if when I dont take over it or dont message. he doesn't message at all. His text is always one word n prefer call but when we call…he doesn't ask me questions or no convo.

He would give me gifts that I cannot wear at work, I gave him much pricy gifts like 45$ while his is 15$. I know the thought counts but I dont wear bracelets. I prefer stuff w/o words in it. I already told him that and I suggested that I would just send him amazon list than him picking stuff that he is not sure.

When he was here, id cook for him and buy him snacks whenever Im out and would see something he love but he doesn't I have to tell him that and i feel like im forcing him in which he says that I dont force him.

He says he cares bout me but when Im walking home feeling a bit unsafe. I told him if we can call but he would rather just text cuz his friends picking him up to see apartments.

I got mad at him the other day because he was considering getting an apartment with roommate that is a woman w men.

Whenever I vent to him, it seems he is contradicting my words. He says he understands it but I dont feel like he understands it and he always defends the other people, w/o asking questions regarding situations. I already told him before that its ok that he just listen, ill ask if I need advice.

I told him that he can do the same to me, to vent or talk to me like one his friends but he doesn't do it.

I date this man because he made me happy, he helped me with tough times, i had good memories w him. I dont want to find anyone else, it feels like going in a new dating pace is a lot. I thought he could improve because everyone improves.

I already told him these issues but it seems he forgets it.

[WaterIsland]

That’s really rough. I know you said he’s been there for you through difficult times, but you have to look at the bigger picture here.


In a healthy long term relationship, both people need to compromise, and meet each other in the middle sometimes. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing that. And unless he does, it’s gonna be a slow spiral downward until someone ends things or things change.


The reality is the relationship as you describe it now, is unsustainable long term. So either you need to sit down and have a discussion with him and tell him that he needs to change or your gone and really turn up the heat on him improving. Or end things.


I know that’s really difficult. But it’s more difficult to have a relationship that slowly spirals down and ends later on.

[Asker]

I think we had a conversation about change before. He would tell me that I need to change too and he wants me to stop overthinking but I couldnt do that its been there since from the start and that he would say that he is not enough for me.

We would compromise and it feels like he would forget about it in a week.

[WaterIsland]

So the question you have to ask yourself is if you want this to continue. Your options truly are to let it go and keep living like this. Or to make a change.

You’ve expressed your feelings. And clearly he isn’t putting the effort in to sustain more than a week. So you have to either live with that, or decide that isn’t what you’re looking for in a relationship.

[RavVid]

I get that you might want to just vent but the male response is to want to fix it. we can't stop ourselves - we want to fix your distress. In your tough times I imagine that was what he was doing.

I'm not sure about what to say on the others points.

[Asker]

Sometimes he would say “idk what to say or how to help” when I need his help. But not for when Im venting.

[OlderAndWiser]

Why are you still dating him now?

[Asker]

I feel old, running out of time in life. I feel like I wouldn't be able to find another person to date me and especially I dont want to start over again with the whole first date, memories, talks n whatever.

[OlderAndWiser]

So you want to accept living like this for the rest of your life?

[KrakenAttackin]

He's not that into you.

[Asker]

Even tho he says that he loves me, wants to be w me and that he says “Im the light of his life?”

[KrakenAttackin]

Maybe he sent the text to the wrong chick.

[Asker]

He told me those in person before he left.