My boyfriend's sister is older and her wedding is upcoming. She's acting a bit off with me?

[Cyra1622]

She wants him to wear a tie, whereas I don't. He looks so handsome without a tie and so cool. in my opinion, ties are overrated. Tristan tate rarely wears ties , too and looks so good. I told her I didn't like tie on that particular suit he was gonna wear. And my boyfriend and I are wearing our respect dresses which complement each other's. She said that you're not even going to roam together during the wedding ( what people might think) I found this comment not good. I know my dressing sense is good cause I have an interest in the area. And my boyfriend and I were going to take pics, too. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to be pulled by both sides and I can't see him stressed. But he's my partner. If I can also not wear what he's not comfortable with, shouldn't he choose my opinion first? If I ask him to agree with her, (even though she knows I wouldn't like that) I know it would continue in future, too. Which I don't want. What should i do?

[SnowedIn]

Wait, really? You're asking this? First, I don't disagree with anything you're saying. BUT. This is HER wedding. She gets to choose. And you're putting your boyfriend in a really tough spot. You asked what you should do. Honestly? First, I'd start by telling her, "sorry. I felt passionately about this, but I realize this is your wedding and should have it be the way you want. How can I help you." Second, just be supportive. This is not a bride-zilla request. Let the woman have her day.

Again, I don't disagree with you about ties and I'm sure your dressing, fashion, style sense is great. But don't let that overshadow this wedding.

[Cyra1622]

But I'm sure she wouldn't have liked it had I told her husband what to wear on my wedding. He's my partner. Shouldn't I hold some importance?

[Cyra1622]

She definitely would hate me if I chose the clothes of her partner. Shouldn't she be considerate that now her brother is in a relationship with a woman?

[Cyra1622]

I thought you're politer than others here, that's why I chose to ask you again in detail.

[SnowedIn]

Thank you very much for the kind words. My apologies for the delay in my response; I was driving.

You make GREAT points. And I don't disagree with any of them. But there's a caveat to that and I'm going to put it at the end. Let me respond to each of your points.

* You are important and you should hold some importance. But...
* Let's agree to a truce with regard to "But I'm sure she wouldn't have liked it had I told her husband what to wear on my wedding." I'll tell you, for example, that my wife and I don't object to a dress code (even one as specific as tie / no tie) for a function, especially one like a wedding. I don't know your boyfriend's sister but I'm not convinced she'd have as much issue if you asked her to have her husband wear a tie/not wear a tie to your wedding.
* Should she be considerate now that her brother is in a relationship? Yes. But...

The "but" after those two responses is that this is her wedding. It's her day. She gets to pick. None of that invalidates your feelings or your sense of style. It just means that, traditionally, the bride gets what she wants at a wedding (and my point in my original response about not being Bridezilla is that this request -- your brother wearing a tie -- is not a big ask).

I guess what I'm advocating is to be gracious and let her have what she wants without a fuss. Doing so doesn't invalidate your feelings, it's just you being an awesome person and setting aside what you want for her special day.

[SnowedIn]

I think there's two larger issues in my mind.

The first is that you're putting your boyfriend in a really tough spot. He shouldn't have to choose between his sister and his girlfriend. So I guess I'm advocating for you to let this one go -- again, not because you're wrong, but because it relieves him of a no-win choice.

The second bigger picture reason I'd advocate letting this go is that if you see a long term relationship with your boyfriend, it's worth letting her have this one -- once again, not because you're wrong, but because if you don't, it becomes the sore point in the future and that's just a crappy way to have a family dynamic.

I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes sense or not, but happy to expand further if you'd like.

[Cyra1622]

Thank you very much, it helped a lot

[Cyra1622]

It doesn't match my dress.. like couples dress acc to each other.. should I still let it go? I know I'm stupid asking this. Your response helped a lot, thank you. People here are very rude. Your points were very considerate. I hope I can ask you whenever I'm in a fix. But thank you very much

[Cyra1622]

I didn't say anything to his sister, I discussed it with my partner. Just to avoid ruining the relationship, I don't even talk more than necessary with her. I've had a bad past. So, I avoid. I just talked avoid I with my partner

[SnowedIn]

Thank you, truly. I genuinely want to be helpful. And, I'm sorry if the first few sentences of my first reply sounded snarky. I was incredulous.

Also, yes, please feel free to ask and I'm happy to help. Likewise, you are welcome to message if you prefer.

When you say "it" doesn't match my dress, I'm guessing you mean his tie. Short answer is, yes, still let it go for all the reasons already outlined. Not sure if this is a very specific tie she's mandating (like, she went to Men's Wearhouse and picked out matching polyester ties 🤮) but, hopefully, if not you can pick a different tie for him that matches your dress.

Additional thought and it's two fold: first, just like in theater, if the audience doesn't see/hear it, it didn't happen. Most folks won't even notice. But, connected with that, let's say Aunt Agatha sees that his tie doesn't match your dress. Horrors! :) They'll also be savvy enough to understand that it's part of some coordinated "thing" surrounding the wedding as opposed to looking down on you both as a couple.

BUT... if you/he get to pick a new tie, this is how you turn this into a win for you and him: go buy him a gorgeous, expensive, hand made Italian silk tie for this event. Make his tie the envy of everyone there, and it's a very special gift from you to him that he'll value all the more because it is a concession to his sister.

[Cyra1622]

I've met her only 3 times. She lives in Australia and had come for her wedding. I didn't say anything to her. I always smile anf am polite

[Cyra1622]

You're very kind, thank you so much :)

[SnowedIn]

In response to this: "I've met her only 3 times. She lives in Australia and had come for her wedding. I didn't say anything to her. I always smile and am polite" -- awesome! Best course of action!

[Cyra1622]

Thank you so much :)

[Cyra1622]

There's one problem, I can't message you cause of my xper level, they said. And i asked my boyfriend if he could wear a black tie. But he said his sister doesn't like that. I don't know what to make of it. I have an exam a day after the wedding. And now, I have no will to go to the wedding. I have always talked nicely with her. Shouldn't she understand that we're a couple now? I agreed to the tie, too. But can't she compromise at least to the color of the tie? I know this might seem a trivial issue but I can't stop ovethinking about it. And now i feel no desire to attend the wedding after all this, a few more things happened to.

[Cyra1622]

My boyfriend said if I dont come, then it will start a fight with would continue forever. But why am I the only one who has to compromise in every single relationship? My parents were terrible, they caused trauma in my life and I had to live with my step mother 7 years eve when I didn't want to. The manipulation and the compromise all I've had to bear. I don't want to be someone like I was anymore. Always compromising and a people pleaser. I'm done being that. I'm done listening to people's taunts and not replying. I've just had enough of this world. His mother also have said some things which hurt me disguised as jokes. She's been nice too sometimes. But I've never said a single thing to hurt anyone. Why me everytime? I feel overwhelmed

[Cyra1622]

And it's like, I wanna be mildly narcissistic and selfish now after being selfless and caring for others for so long. Cause no one gives a damn. They walk all over you.

[SnowedIn]

You raise great points again. But to solve this wedding problem, you need to focus solely on this. The other stuff is important but it doesn't relate right now.

As for the tie: just remember what we said yesterday. Her day. Do not die on this hill -- it's not worth it. For all the reasons in my previous post and because of what you wrote: "My boyfriend said if I dont come, then it will start a fight with would continue forever." Just let this go. Have him wear the tie she wants and know that you're being the bigger person.

[Cyra1622]

You're right.. but are you sure it won't make her think that she matters more than me and would matter in the future to my boyfriend? I keep my boyfriend first and I want him to keep me first.. as women, we give great consideration to these things. Main difference between men and women as Jordan peterson had also said

[SnowedIn]

I don't believe this has anything to do with her mattering more to you, etc. It has to do with what she wants for her wedding. And your boyfriend doesn't want drama and strife between his sister and his girlfriend. So, no, I don't think she's keeping score. I think she would if you don't stop making a big deal out of the tie.

And, I hear what you say that you want your boyfriend to keep you first, and that's legit, but there's a fine line between keeping you first and loving family members. You need to let him love on his sister in this case.

[Cyra1622]

You're right..

[D_Bone_Steak]

"Tristan tate rarely wears ties , too and looks so good." Who is this and why are you into it like this?

I'm just going to be real after reading the whole thing... you sound crazy. The sister chick sounds crazy. The whole thing sounds fucking crazy. Someone like me would back away from all of you and with extreme caution.

Hopefully, you can understand where I'm coming from and not take offense.

[sunflower00]

It’s her wedding not yours, also why are you trying to decide what he wears? It’s up to him surely? If not him then his sister as it’s her wedding and she can decide the dress code. He’s not a doll for you to dress up how you want

[EmmaMary]

It's her wedding not yours, she has every right to ask and request what dress code she desires for her big day.

If this involves the wearing of ties then so be it.

[Cyra1622]

It's not a dress code..

[EmmaMary]

Regardless of this fact, it just sounds like you're hell bent on simply causing a rift between your boyfriend and his sister.

Hopefully this might come back and bite you hard on your a**, especially if it's your wedding day.

[Cyra1622]

God, how rude can you be? Sitting behind a phone and talking shit. Watch yourself, how lowly can you talk to others without even knowing them personally

[EmmaMary]

@Cyra1622

It certainly appears that I'm definitely not alone with my thoughts, views and opinions.

Please do take care, stay safe and have a lovely day.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is HER wedding. Give her what she wants. How is this going to continue in the future? How often do you think she will be getting married?

[Guy13]

She’s getting married…give her a break.

[Drumlin2001]

Isn't Tristan Tate in prison? Bet his orange jump suit looks great on him. Really think you should have higher aspirations for your boyfriend.
This wedding isn't about what you want. You're just a guest. If your boyfriend objects to a tie that's for him to raise with us sister. You need to keep out of it and keep quiet.

[Fireguy17]

It's her wedding, not yours.
Let her have her day, and it is only 1 day and it's a tie.
After the ceremony, pictures, the bridal party dance and pictures he can then take it off.

[Anonymous]

go back and reread your title of your post,, "her wedding" it didn't say your wedding it said HER WEDDING

[Cyra1622]

But he's my partner. Shouldn't I have a say in it?

[Cyra1622]

I'm sure they wouldn't have liked me telling her husband what to wear

[ThomasDavid1989]

FUCK tristan and andrew tate

[Cyra1622]

Nice, totally unrelated to my topic. Thanks a lot.

[ThomasDavid1989]

No prob.