How should I move forward after my boyfriend told me he prefers to keep his walls up and not give 100% emotionally?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend was hurt badly in a past relationship and it came up in a conversation, he said that he prefers to always remain practical in a sense that he keeps his expectations low, he said he used to love more deeply and give a lot more but he doesn’t want to ever be hurt that badly again, so he doesn’t proceed with certainty of me being the one, he prefers to think something can always happen…I have always given 100% emotionally and go about my relationships as if they are the one, so that was very hard for me to hear especially after being together for almost 3 years along with living together and him telling me he wants to marry me eventually, I asked him what we should do about that, because I feel I deserve 100% no holding back and he responded I don’t know and just went to bed. I don’t know where to go from here, what are your thoughts?

Updates

1 y

When I say emotionally I am referring to the desire to reciprocate in the relationship as well as fully embracing feelings and allowing them to grow

[BigWhiteWolf87]

You said elsewhere "he admitted he got caught up in lusting after other women and talking to women he had slept with in the past"

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Does that sound like he has walls up & isn't giving you 100% to protect himself?

Or he isn't 100% invested in relationship & just doesn't care to give you what you need?

See there's a difference.

People with walls up to protect themselves will eventually try to work with their partner to break down those walls and work on their mutual bond. There is no point in having a relationship without some sort of a bond and even the most hurt of people know this.

Even victims of rape will try to build bonds with partners. It takes longer, but they try.

.

You've been together 3 years. Best he can say is he **may** marry you **eventually**.

Now

From the sounds of it you've been trying to build some sort of a bond but for all the success you've had, you might as well try bonding with a rock. You have even apparently lived together for some time & yet you seem more outsider than partner.

He isn't emotionally invested in the relationship. So you don't have a relationship.

It is that simple. More than likely he has narassstic persona - they play "victims".

.

He has likely being telling you he'll marry so you don't leave. You provide sex, maybe clean, get groceries, etc. for him. It's too good to pass up when he offers little in return.

Now ask yourself this. Even if he would marry you.

Do you want to be married to a guy who can't put in the effort to make a relationship?

[BigWhiteWolf87]

*More than likely he has narassstic persona - they play "victims".

He said he was badly hurt in a relationship before. But the thing is, is hurting you doesn't make things right. And that is why I am saying he likely has narassitic personality disorder.

Such people play "victims" - they never admit they're in the wrong for their behavior, they blame everyone else for their behaviors. I mean him lusting after / talking to other women isn't him being hurt it's him showing he has no respect.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

Nevermind narassitic people are self centered, etc. and that's exactly what he's displaying

[Xoxocutekitty]

I recently heard this line on a TV show and I thought it was kinda awesome.

"I'm a jealous woman. I won't share you with your demons. Let's unpack this together and I won't give you the opportunity to think about choosing me twice."

We all have aches and baggage, some greater than others, but at the end of the day, the right person is the one who you LIVE life with, not pass time with. A man will open up to you if he truly values you and wants to step up to be the best version of himself he can be. Of course, it's quite rare that this happens and if he isn't willing to do that it is no reflection on you.

It just means you need to re-evaluate how long you're willing to wait for him to become ready, or cut your losses and put yourself in a place to find someone else who is ready to share himself with you.

[Asker]

It makes me sad that I might have to leave because it feels like I wasted almost 3 years of my life, trying to fix another persons problems and letting them convince me I should, when they never wanted to change and they always knew it. How do I not hold on to so much anger and resentment after that?

[ShiftingMonke]

I understand completely where you're coming from. You don't see it as an equal emotional investment. I can see why you'd be upset and if you decided to call it off, or at least have reservations, you'd be well within your right to do so.

However, as a man will take walls myself, I can try to explain..

From his perspective, marriage is a big step. Men these days see nothing but negative outcome from marriage; the loss of freedom; social, financial, and emotional- and that's if it goes well. If it fails, he's looking at (potential) child support, alimony, attorney fees, loss of house/cars/assets, and worse. Marriage is a tough sell to men.

Granted, I'm married, and I love it, but I see the issues.

You've done 3 years together and he's not ruling it out, that's a good thing. From his side, I see a final point: once he gets married, he will have no reason to hold anything else back, if that makes sense. He will be All In, so to speak, so why not let the walls come down?

I know that's a (potential) tough pill to swallow, but can you at least see his logic? In not making a character judgement on him for it, but based on what you've said, he's a pragmatist at heart. And with you 100% in no matter what, your cards are on the table and the outcome for you is entirely up to him. That in itself is some serious pressure on him.

Again, I'm not blaming either of you. You seem like a great woman, and he a decent dude. But this is his mindset, I'd guess.

[Asker]

That sounds very accurate to how he thinks but when I think of it I immediately go to a place of hurt, because in the second year of the relationship he admitted he got caught up in lusting after other women and talking to women he had slept with in the past/lying knowing it was inappropriate but that’s it. So I feel like this could be a side affect of that mentality, even tho we moved past it it still brought me back to that thinking, like that gives him the ability to hurt me, because hurting him feels like hurting myself for example but maybe not the other way around. I just really want to make this work but don’t know how, I mean how should I bring up marriage then without pressuring him if that’s what’s going to get him 100%? and I’m the one who would want the prenep lol

[Asker]

How did you know when you were ready for marriage?

[ShiftingMonke]

Ah well.. he may still be dealing with guilt. That does change the metric slightly.

To be honest, I didn't know when i was ready. We had been together 2 years and my daughter (previous relationship) began calling her 'mom'. If my daughter can give her such a lofty title, then I can give her my last name. I've always loved her, even when we were barely into the friends with benefits zone. And the love grew daily.
It wasn't an obvious thing; it slowly dawned on me that she was everything I wanted, more than I deserved, and all I could want for the rest of my life. After that, the ceremony was just a formality.

[Asker]

How would dealing with guilt change anything for him? If anything I think he should love me more for forgiving him tbh

[ShiftingMonke]

Because he fucked up. When he looks at you, he sees that. The trust he broke is likely written on your face. More so if you check his phone, or even bring it up.

[Asker]

Ya that is how it feels sometimes how can I fix this or know when to leave? Are their any steps you think he should take?

[ShiftingMonke]

If you're having thoughts of leaving, then do it. Simple as that. Get it over with. You can't move past this with that EXIT sign glowing at the back of your mind, because anytime you hit a roadblock or tough patch, it'll only get brighter. It will never dim. Eventually, it'll get so bright that you can't see the good moments, and it'll end badly anyway.

[Asker]

The only reasons I have thoughts of leaving is I feel like I may have to give him an ultimatum at this point? because all I want is 100% and I’ve stuck with him through so much bullshit to be honest I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart, I’ve let go of the past and I can’t imagine going through anything harder, it would shatter me if I did so their is no resentment on my end as long as he is moving forward with good intentions.

[ShiftingMonke]

Pragmatists and ultimatums don't go well together. He's just as likely to push you away to keep what's within the walls safe. In his mind, you're getting what you want eventuality. To him, your needs are met in the moment and he can work out the details later; but you're in the fine print wanting a hard answer on a nebulous topic. He probably already doesn't like that, because he doesn't have a hard answer to give you. So given an ultimatum, it becomes easier to leave even though neither of you want it. But, by the decision you've given him, you got your answer. He's left confident that his walls were needed and while destroyed emotionally, he thinks he did the right thing. You are left just as hurt, but you'll tell yourself that he refused to commit or he was likely going to cheat again anyway or whatever is neccesary to move on; at the end, you're both wrong but your confirmation bias will ensure neither of you learn or grow from it.

[Asker]

How would telling myself he didn’t want to commit and most likely would cheat be incorrect? 3 years should be enough time to make a decision and if you respect someone you will do that for them and stop wasting their time, that’s my prospective if your willing to waste their time, knowing that 3 years is what I told him is my cut off time from the very first month. I mean I want to process this in the healthiest way so tell me what I am still missing here? if all I need is I am going to marry you within the time frame I committed to by being with you. It would be disrespectful of him to expect me to just give him more years of my life especially if his conditions are in order to receive 100% I must marry him.

[ShiftingMonke]

... which is why I told you that if you harbor any thoughts of leaving him to just do it. You say you're committed to him 100% (as you are currently) up until you decide to leave him, at which point your commitment drops to zero. This entire thread I've been attempting to show you what I believe to be his side of things and conversely, you've stuck to your own mindset, that he MUST do this, in order to achieve you; to the best of my knowledge, he's not asked you to do much but wait. You want him on your terms, in your time frame, with the specific words coming out of his mouth when you want to hear them.

You're incorrect because by YOUR metric, you give 100%. But that's you. You come into a relationship and say "well, since we are together, here's my 100%. Where's yours?" He balks at such a thing, and without asking (or bringing up in this conversation with me) where he's at with a commitment percentage, you begin drafting an ultimatum. You're forcing your own views on what is and is not a healthy relationship onto a man who's been in a relationship that fucked his head up royally somehow, and while I'm not much into blaming victims, it's affected his view of relationships as a whole. You fly past that because you know what you deserve, and you deserve 100% in 3 years because you gave 100% in 3 (days? Months?) That's kinda unhealthy; and to go further, were I to be in his shoes right now having this conversation with you, I'd tell you to leave, or I would leave myself, because to be honest your mind simply works different than his. That's supposed to make a relationship strong, but you're demanding he think like you, and that isn't the case, won't be the case, and shouldn't be the case.

So yes, I retract my initial request that you consider his view and instead vote to leave him. Consequences be damned, hopefully you both find happiness elsewhere.

[Asker]

Sorry if I came off upset but I just immediately recognized that’s how I would process things if he left me. I see what you are saying now… ya me and him have very different views, I guess I just thought that because he was willing to take from me so much…. I’ve supported him emotionally financially taken care of him physically when he was sick and I set boundaries and time frames from the begging, because I know I give EVERYTHING and it only my piles up as time goes on, in my head how long can I give everything to someone especially if they are holding the other 30% of reciprocation over my head with marriage, that they may or may not want. I always expected reciprocation of showing love in all those ways as I did, but what your saying is he simply doesn’t view that as a requirement and that is a really hard pill to swallow because, it’s like if you are always their to help someone when they are down and then your down and they can’t give you more than 70% of what you do bc he is afraid it will deepen his investment in the relationship past the point he is comfortable with, that hurts it’s so hard for me to understand why… because I’m my head everything I’ve done should have made him feel more secure and prepared than anything in his past relationships, so it’s hard to process this in a way where I don’t want to hate him for taking 3 years of my life and everything I have to offer just to tell me wait and continue to give longer knowing that I am in the deficit even longer why would you put someone you love through that… because I would be willing to wait a bit longer if he was giving me everything back, I just feel it’s unfair because I’m not pressuring for marriage nearly as much as he is in the sense of withholding that 30% I need to feel safe, like that person equally cares about me. that’s the only reason I would push rather than give more or walk away.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@shiftingmonke - she isn't asking for marriage. She is asking for emotional investment. Try to read what she wrote. The guy is offering marriage like you'd offer a carrot to a donkey. Nothing more.

[ShiftingMonke]

@BigWhiteWolf87 I'll not only ask, but beg, you to assist her with your superlative reading comprehension. I'm no longer interested, so I'll pass the torch to you, good luck and godspeed.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@shiftingmonke - hmm rude & ignorant I see. The guy is narassitic. That's all it is. Self centered, etc. playing "victim" when his behavior is far from decent.

There's a difference between people with walls & narassitic people.

People with walls will eventually try to build a bond with their partner. Narassitic people are too self centered to & comically they play "victim" all too often.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

@BigWhiteWolf87 The only one being rude and ignorant is you lol. Sounded to me like he was helping her think all this through and making some valid points in the process

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@WanderingLoveWizard Hardly.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@WanderingLoveWizard In fact he is excusing the guy's unwillingness to commit & past cheating history. She even says that "How would telling myself he didn’t want to commit and most likely would cheat be incorrect? "

He can't read her entire post & doesn't read her responses properly either.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

@BigWhiteWolf87 Well that's just, like, your opinion! Lol

[Finchie40]

Yes I can see where he is coming from but he is also wrong at the same time , If he can’t fully give you 100 percent then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with you period , because he is basically implying that he doesn’t trust you and sadly without trust and respect in a relationship it isn’t going to go far , He is broken inside and holding walls up to basically play a victim and to use it as a weapon if things don’t go his way , Making him a selfish person , he is expecting to constantly receive without having to give in return and that’s where things are going to get bumpy cuz you aren’t going to receive what you are giving in return which will lead to resentments and trust issues , and him taking advantage over
You , You are honestly best to walk away from this kind of relationship because you will only be hurting yourself staying with someone that is choosing not to give to you the same in return , especially after 3 years , it sounds like he just likes the convenience of you , people like that sadly will trade you in once they find someone better in their minds , playing a victim that you were the one that was in the wrong so they can play a victim instead of being a piece of shit , sadly it is narcissistic behavior, my ex did the same exact shit to me , It’s a selfish behavior they use to manipulate you to make you feel like you are in the wrong when really they are the piece of shit

[Finchie40]

One thing you have to understand about guys is we don’t show our emotions as much as girls do , we tend to hold back a lot of emotions to make ourselves not come off as weak , When a guy gets quiet he is actually hurting inside but he won’t really express it to his partner because he doesn’t want to come off as weak to her , Most girls are drawn to a guys masculine energy , that’s what mainly turned her on about him in the first place , so he holds a lot in for her because he doesn’t want to come off as weak to her , the second a girl feels her man is weak she starts to lose interest in him and becomes drawn to some other douchebag that is expressing his masculine energy to her to get her in bed , Why girls are stupid to cheat on their men period , if another guy can take another guys girl she is in for a rude awakening , once she realizes he was just using her for sex , he won’t stay committed to her , No guy is going to fully commit to a girl that cheats on her man for him , he just wanted to bang her , most girls don’t realize that , so maybe your man is holding a lot in because he is afraid you might cheat on him and be drawn to some other douchebag like his ex did to him?

[Guy13]

Yeah, that sounds like a dead end to me.

[Account]

It is not right, nor fair to you.
I am sorry, but you need to walk away for your sake. And I am saying that speaking from the objective of the guy.
He cannot give more, not because he doesn't want to, but because he is unable to.
It has nothing to do with you and it is also not your fault. So please never think that.
It is probably not his fault either though and I can relate to him.
What I like about him is that at least he is sincere. He is not hiding or masking it.
He is not pretending and he is not sugar-coating it.

[Juxtapose]

I reciprocate but it's always good to keep in mind that your lover could leave you at the drop of a hat and there's nothing you can do about it.

Giving 100% of myself would mean investing so much emotionally that I don't necessarily prepare for the pain of a breakup and then it will hurt so much more when it happens.

[Asker]

But how can you watch someone give you 100% for almost 3 years and say that? Shouldn’t that give you the ability to see how invested they are so you can continue to grow with them? or do people with that mentality never grow past a certain point so they can maintain their false sense of safety?

[Juxtapose]

I've never had anybody stay with me for 3 years so I don't know what that's like 🤷‍♂️ Why do you think I am so guarded?

And also people can leave you even after 30 years. There's no set amount of years where you are guaranteed security in your relationship especially as a man since women initiate 80% of divorces just to give you an idea.

[Asker]

True so I’m assuming you don’t think marriage or an ultimatum would change his level of investment? what I’m scared of is being so the a person that can never be secure no matter what

[Juxtapose]

The best thing you can do is be there for him when nobody else is, care about his feelings and be patient.

Trying to force a commitment out of him is going to freak him out and trigger a flight response.

[Juxtapose]

A calm, humorous, smart and kind woman does wonders for a man's mental health.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Leave.

Tell him the reason you left was because he didn't emotionally invest 100%, and that had he done that, you would have stayed.

He will either realize going foward, that he has to give 100% to each next person he dates, or he will be the reason it doesn't work out. Or he will just say "see? wasn't worth giving 100% because they just leave" and at that point, he will never keep a relationship.

[DizzyDesii]

You're nicer than me. I wouldve pointed at a wall with a door and said to him, “You see that wall over there, see your way up and over/through it”. I just dont have time for guessing games anymore. I need someone who’s already ready to open up

[boggboss]

That its your choice he has stated what he is willing to give and why you now need to decide if u can accept that or need to move on

[Asker]

That is true at this point but I’m just so caught up in the why of all of it? You know almost 3 years you’d think someone can take their walls down by then…

[boggboss]

But he stated why he doesn't its not for no reason but clearly 1 he believes in that won't change unless he changes his mind

[Asker]

I feel like it’s such a irrational mind set when you know someone would do nearly anything for you regardless of the reason. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be willing to change for me since I’ve given my all and he says he wants to marry me, like how can you expect to marry someone not being 100% invested?

[boggboss]

Plenty of people do it marriage ain't this thing that just fixes issues I would say yes its irrational but it's clearly due to hurt he has gone through and this was his part of healing

[Asker]

How healed is that really tho?

[boggboss]

Not that much but he ro some degree has moved on from before or he wouldn't trust women as a whole many people end up carrying baggage from past hurt its nit right but becoming a standerd

[Anonymous]

I don't blame him. There is complete blind trust and then there is trusting enough to not end up back on square one. You never know nor expect betrayal.

It's a natural protective mechanism.

[Asker]

Well a part of the issue with that is he has been misleading by taking everything I offer him and saying he doesn’t have the ability to feel secure enough in a relationship to reciprocate it’s almost been 3 years.

[Opinion Owner]

In this case take him to relationship counseling with you. This is something a professional needs to look into. Don't shun this idea and tell him it's normal to go to counseling.

[slatyb]

You should move forward by leaving the relationship.

[Asker]

Can I ask what makes you say that as opposed to a possible solution?

[slatyb]

"my boyfriend told me he prefers to keep his walls up and not give 100% emotionally"

He's warning you that he's not going to be able to be a full partner in a healthy relationship. When someone tells this, they aren't lying. This is often a sign of depression, or PTSD from a traumatic childhood. Either way he should seek counseling. If he's not willing to do anything, but just wants you to understand while he remains withdrawn, you should just tell him thanks and you wish him the best.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

There may not be. If he can't give you his all now, three years in, that's a major problem. Tell him your concerns, word it bluntly so there isn't any room for interpretation.

[Asker]

Ya I asked him so what can we do about you not showing up as much as me and he said he didn’t know, he just went to bed which is what he does when he doesn’t want to deal with things.

[KrakenAttackin]

You don't truly want him to be emotional with you, but you aren't bright enough to realize this.

[Asker]

That’s an interesting prospective, what makes you say that?

[KrakenAttackin]

As Kevin Samuels said, "take a good woman, tell her your thoughts and fears, and she will be fucking your best friend by Saturday".

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Well, Mrs. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!

[melanieeeB]

I would tell him to grow up and move on lol

[LazerBean]

Yes.