My boyfriend of 2 years proposed to me but I never gave him a straight answer. He’s adamant and wants us to get married. He’s very sweet to me. He’s a good guy and treats me well. But when I first started dating him he told me that he has a daughter. I knew deep down I don’t want to be with someone who has a kid from a prior relationship. I continued to date him , though. I was thinking I could just have some fun by going out with him a few times and I won’t let it get too serious. I still stand by what I want and what I want is to start my own family. I want it to be both of our first child. He’s already had that experience without me and I feel like it’s something I just can’t compromise on. I always knew from day one that I’d never marry him. But time has gone by fast and now he thinks that we’re gonna be together forever. How do get out of this situation without seeming like the bad guy?
Don't worry about seeming like the bad guy. That's not what this is about.
You do need to give this man a clear and straight answer that you do not want to marry him. It's not fair to leave him without an answer, when YOU know the answer.
There are no two-ways about this. You just need to meet this head-on and be straight-forward about it. I always think honesty is the way to go. However, if you choose to, you can make some excuse for why you will not marry him. But the only way you're actually the "bad guy" here, is if you delay your answer any longer. That's not fair.
You know how you feel. You know you're answer. Believe me... I get that it's not going to be easy to do... but you owe it to this man to be clear that you do not want to marry him. He will be devastated. You're going to feel like shit too. But you aren't the bad guy. You're just being honest. You should not marry someone you do not truly want to marry.
He wants your real answer. Even if it's a no. There is no excuse to delay it. He deserves an answer.
Good luck. 🙂
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I had to turn down a marriage “proposal” last year with my friends with benefits (who lives in another state but visits often).
It was more for a financial arrangement than love. However I did seriously consider it for a few months. I got advice from people I trusted. I considered the financial ramifications. I also was in the process of recovering from a bad addiction (which I was very honest about to my friends with benefits). I also was honest with the girl that I didn’t have strong feelings but I respected her (because I do).
Anyway I get your predicament here. However there are two things you need to consider:
1) a part of you was very selfish to string him on for so long. You seriously need to own up to that. Yes I get it that you needed time to consider the proposal but it sounds like you wanted him to just “forget” his idea so things would go back to status quo. However he was very serious about that proposal but ignoring it for an extended amount of time was disrespectful. It took him guts to propose. But you didn’t reciprocate the way you should have. Admit to him you handled that wrong.
2) it’s fine you don’t want to marry him given you want to start your own family. But I warn you this will only get more challenging the older you get and the longer you wait to find the “right” man. I have to accept that if ever get married there is a good chance my fiancé might be divorced and/or have kids.
Feelings aside he needs to know you respect him. Respect and love are not the same thing. So don’t get that confused. Men aren’t as naive as many women think. We can act idealistic at times but a part him deep down will conclude that you failed to be honest with him for your own selfish ends.
Hey lovely, it looks like you care about him very much but when it comes to love it can be unpredictable. It must have been amazing 2 years for it to fly buy & happy to hear this man is so good to you. If you are crystal clear from the beginning then it sounds like you are in a situation where a lot of people Land in.
the fact you stayed for that long marks the just having fun phase. The casual dates that lead to relationship. There is no way out of hurting others emotions when it comes to love/ attraction. But you are not the bad guy when your being honest and sticking to your truth. You have a responsible role here and you need to lead with intention. Not to get married to this man and I’m sure he hoped 2years down the road you change your mind.
Break up with him and don’t drag it out cause it will hurt him even more. Lets say he is ok with not getting married and keep it to fun the be responsible for you & him my letting him go so he can meet a woman that would love to marry him. It hurts now but later he will be grateful to you for making way for that woman to come in. But she can’t if you stay and avoid hurting him with the truth.
Not to change your mind on anything because you know what’s best for you. I have been a nanny, every child born is like the fist all over s again. That won’t take anything away from the you. The question is he a good dad? Would you be happily married to him? Is he like you best friend to you? The cost of no compromise on your end is a man that is will commit to you and now a days that’s rare.
Think of your pros and cons but it’s at a point if your set in your ways it’s time to stop having fun and let him go. Good luck beautiful.
Too late. You're about to crush him.
Break up with him immediately. Admit to him that you are in the wrong, here, not him, and that you did, in fact, string him along for two years. The longer you delay this, the worse it'll be for him. He needs to move beyond you now.
And don't do this to another man.
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Be honest with him. Personally, I think what you have done is both immature and cruel. To continue to stream him along knowing long ago is was not going to work is cruel. In my mind, you have no business involved in any relationship if this is how you treat people.
Just be honest with him and how you're feeling and if you can't get past the fact that he has a kid then it's best to let him know now than later as more time keeps on passing by but if he is a good guy and he treats you well and you two have chemistry then don't lose out on that but again bad guy or not you have to be true to yourself and what you want before saying yes to anyone
You are the bad guy. You've continued to date him and get serious with him, knowing all along that you would never marry him. Tell him No and let him find the woman for him to marry.
Then definitely tell him that you don't want to get married.
In my opinion, marriage is for the rest of your life. If you can't see yourself being happy spending the rest of your life with him, don't do it. You have no obligation.
You didn't tell him up front that you didn't want to get married. But did he ever tell you up front that he was looking for another wife? Did he even ask you if you wanted to have children?
People who are commenting here are acting like it's a given that dating means seeking a permanent relationship and that it's all your fault for stringing him along.
They don't even know the reason he got divorced from his first wife.
Wasting two years of his life? So being in a happy relationship with someone for two measly years is a waste? I've been in relationships that lasted that long but I didn't feel obligated to marry the girls.
You were happy and he was obviously happy. But it got too serious. Even though you could have been more up front, I don't see you as a bad person.You dated him long term and seriously enough for him to propose without ever telling him that wasn’t your intention because he has a child? You should have been up front with him from the beginning. You should have never pursued a serious relationship with him knowing that you weren’t going to marry him. You need to tell him no if that’s how you’re feeling, but you are the bad guy in this situation, just like a previous commenter said, and if you really can’t see that then you need to step away from dating and evaluate your maturity and readiness to actually be dating. This is going to hurt him, but he and his child deserve better than someone who would string him along like you have.
lmao, you were with a guy for two whole fucking years with no intention of being with him or marrying him? What the fuck were you doing with him then? Were you lonely? No other guys around? I mean, jesus christ, if your plan was to have a family of your own with a guy who doesn't already have a kid, then why on god's green fucking earth would you waste this guy's time in a dead-end relationship that he doesn't even know is a dead-end? I mean, you're not young forever. Why would you waste your time? What was the genius plan here?
What you should do is come clean to this poor guy, tell him you never saw this as serious, tell him that he deserves better than you, apologize for wasting his time and manipulating his feelings, and fuck right out of his life. Maybe use your time to actually find a guy who wants you before you turn too old to have a "family of your own" and have only guys who already have kids or guys who don't want kids left. That would be too fucking ironic, but probably what you deserve.
I mean you are kind of a shit person for spending so much time with him, especially if you never mentioned that part where you didn't see it seriously. But you still expected him to be loyal to you, take you on dates, and not fuck other people right?
But disregarding that. Break up with him. If you don't want to date someone with a kid, then don't. But you really shouldn't have done that in the first place if you already knew that right?
Move on, but you should realize that Karma is a bitch, and you definitely got some bad karma coming your way.
You shouldn't have entered it in the first place. Not only are you playing with his and his daughter feelings, you are also wasting your time, because it's in the way of your real goal a stand alone family. You are the bad guy, accept it and leave sooner than later and be honest about it.
- s
You continued dating him and let things get serious during those 2 years. You made him falsely believe that you accepted him & his daughter, aswell as gave him false hope of having a future with you. You hid your true feelings and strung him along. Sorry to say, but you are the bad guy, 100%. 2 years don’t magically go by fast. You knew what you were doing, and now that he’s proposed, shit has hit the fan. Break up with him. You’ve toyed with him for long enough, and the longer you drag this out, the more you’ll hurt him. Let him heal from this misleading relationship and let him find a woman who won’t toy with his heart and who will actually accept him & his daughter and want a future with him.
You wrote:
"But when I first started dating him he told me that he has a daughter. I knew deep down I don’t want to be with someone who has a kid from a prior relationship. I continued to date him , though. I was thinking I could just have some fun by going out with him a few times and I won’t let it get too serious. "
You have no idea how this pisses me off!
I am sure you are a decent young lady, but, inside, I am silently screaming at the top of my lungs: "YOU SELFISH BITCH!"
Why the fuck did you waste his time? and his heart?
... Because "girls just wanna have fun".
In other words, you've just been using him all this time.
>>>>> This is how MGTOWs get created.
Thank yourself for being part of the problem.
My advice is to tell him no. If he’s understanding and patient then he’ll understand and give you all the time you need. If however he get upset and breaks it off with you then you know exactly what type of person he is. You’ll know you dodged a bullet. Although my guess is that if he asking and it’s too soon for you that he really only cares for his own needs. If he can’t sense that you’re not ready then there’s a bigger problem. In which case it might be better to get out now before you realize it’s too late to fix those red flags that you’ve been ignoring.
Should've communicated this boundary from the start.
That being said it's your boundary. You love him, but your social programming tells you what you want.
He's not your boyfriend, he's just a guy you love and have sex with.
So here's my suggestion. The way you get out easy is for him to find what he's looking for, you need to tell him to find another partner as you continue to love him, and when he has it just move on and find what you want.
That way you're not hurt, and he's not hurt or resentful. Because it's a 2 year investment. You're gonna get hurt too, I mean it's 2 fucking years. Now if you have no feelings for him at all, then just bounce. Block him and move on.
You wasted his time. And also gaslighted him.. you should have spoken it out load that it’s for fun not to your mind and thoughts. Lol
Beside don’t forget that life can be unfair too. You can marry someone without kids have your own and get divorced.. single mother! It can happen there is no guarantee in this life beside death. Don’t set up strict rules to your life see if you love him? If you don’t leave.I personally don't think that was very kind of you to do that, why have a boyfriend you don't want to get married to and have a family with. You've led him on, the best thing you can do is tell the truth and let him decide for himself if he wants to stay with you.
I don't get it. What is the point of having a boyfriend unless you are considering your compatibility for a marriage partner? You may as well just be fuck buddies otherwise.
You fidwant to be with a guy who slready has a child so you got with a guy knowthey have a child. You then stayed with him for two years even though you want to start a family with a guy who doesn't have children or even a child. You led him on to believe you would make a good stepmother to his child and a good wife for him so he proposed to you. Now youvare hem and hawing around sith giving him sn answer to his marriage proposal. The best you can do is apologize and tell him everything you did wrong and what you really want then let him say his stuff. After that go your separate ways. You will still be the bad person who wasted his time his child's time and your time.
You ARE the bad guy - you knowingly misled him this entire time. It's too late to avoid being the bad guy. All you can be now is honest with him, and you need to know that it's going to end your relationship, and he's going to be upset. That's just something you've got to face up to. Did you seriously think you'd never have to take responsibility for this?
Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but you put yourself in a situation where you’re gonna have to be the bad guy. If you never wanted to marry him, you should have ended the relationship long ago. He’s gonna be devastated, but you have to come clean and be honest and tell him you don’t want to marry him and accept that this is the end of the relationship.
- u
If his having a daughter from a previous relationship was something that bothered you, then you should have either told him that a long time ago or ended the relationship then. This, consequently, is one reason among many why I am entirely and without exception opposed to sex outside of marriage.
You have been using him and stringing him along for two years. How do you get out of this without seeming like the bad guy? You don't.
You cannot get out of the situation without seeming like the bad guy because you ARE undoubtedly, 100% the bad guy.
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