My boyfriend proposed but I don’t wanna marry him?

Question

My boyfriend of 2 years proposed to me but I never gave him a straight answer. He’s adamant and wants us to get married. He’s very sweet to me. He’s a good guy and treats me well. But when I first started dating him he told me that he has a daughter. I knew deep down I don’t want to be with someone who has a kid from a prior relationship. I continued to date him , though. I was thinking I could just have some fun by going out with him a few times and I won’t let it get too serious. I still stand by what I want and what I want is to start my own family. I want it to be both of our first child. He’s already had that experience without me and I feel like it’s something I just can’t compromise on. I always knew from day one that I’d never marry him. But time has gone by fast and now he thinks that we’re gonna be together forever. How do get out of this situation without seeming like the bad guy?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I had to turn down a marriage “proposal” last year with my friends with benefits (who lives in another state but visits often).

It was more for a financial arrangement than love. However I did seriously consider it for a few months. I got advice from people I trusted. I considered the financial ramifications. I also was in the process of recovering from a bad addiction (which I was very honest about to my friends with benefits). I also was honest with the girl that I didn’t have strong feelings but I respected her (because I do).

Anyway I get your predicament here. However there are two things you need to consider:

1) a part of you was very selfish to string him on for so long. You seriously need to own up to that. Yes I get it that you needed time to consider the proposal but it sounds like you wanted him to just “forget” his idea so things would go back to status quo. However he was very serious about that proposal but ignoring it for an extended amount of time was disrespectful. It took him guts to propose. But you didn’t reciprocate the way you should have. Admit to him you handled that wrong.

2) it’s fine you don’t want to marry him given you want to start your own family. But I warn you this will only get more challenging the older you get and the longer you wait to find the “right” man. I have to accept that if ever get married there is a good chance my fiancé might be divorced and/or have kids.

Feelings aside he needs to know you respect him. Respect and love are not the same thing. So don’t get that confused. Men aren’t as naive as many women think. We can act idealistic at times but a part him deep down will conclude that you failed to be honest with him for your own selfish ends.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

Don't worry about seeming like the bad guy. That's not what this is about.

You do need to give this man a clear and straight answer that you do not want to marry him. It's not fair to leave him without an answer, when YOU know the answer.

There are no two-ways about this. You just need to meet this head-on and be straight-forward about it. I always think honesty is the way to go. However, if you choose to, you can make some excuse for why you will not marry him. But the only way you're actually the "bad guy" here, is if you delay your answer any longer. That's not fair.

You know how you feel. You know you're answer. Believe me... I get that it's not going to be easy to do... but you owe it to this man to be clear that you do not want to marry him. He will be devastated. You're going to feel like shit too. But you aren't the bad guy. You're just being honest. You should not marry someone you do not truly want to marry.

He wants your real answer. Even if it's a no. There is no excuse to delay it. He deserves an answer.

Good luck. 🙂

Juneberry91 · Accepted Answer

Hey lovely, it looks like you care about him very much but when it comes to love it can be unpredictable. It must have been amazing 2 years for it to fly buy & happy to hear this man is so good to you. If you are crystal clear from the beginning then it sounds like you are in a situation where a lot of people Land in.

the fact you stayed for that long marks the just having fun phase. The casual dates that lead to relationship. There is no way out of hurting others emotions when it comes to love/ attraction. But you are not the bad guy when your being honest and sticking to your truth. You have a responsible role here and you need to lead with intention. Not to get married to this man and I’m sure he hoped 2years down the road you change your mind.

Break up with him and don’t drag it out cause it will hurt him even more. Lets say he is ok with not getting married and keep it to fun the be responsible for you & him my letting him go so he can meet a woman that would love to marry him. It hurts now but later he will be grateful to you for making way for that woman to come in. But she can’t if you stay and avoid hurting him with the truth.

Not to change your mind on anything because you know what’s best for you. I have been a nanny, every child born is like the fist all over s again. That won’t take anything away from the you. The question is he a good dad? Would you be happily married to him? Is he like you best friend to you? The cost of no compromise on your end is a man that is will commit to you and now a days that’s rare.

Think of your pros and cons but it’s at a point if your set in your ways it’s time to stop having fun and let him go. Good luck beautiful.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Too late. You're about to crush him.

Break up with him immediately. Admit to him that you are in the wrong, here, not him, and that you did, in fact, string him along for two years. The longer you delay this, the worse it'll be for him. He needs to move beyond you now.

And don't do this to another man.

Guy13 · Answer

Be honest with him. Personally, I think what you have done is both immature and cruel. To continue to stream him along knowing long ago is was not going to work is cruel. In my mind, you have no business involved in any relationship if this is how you treat people.

Changiis07 · Answer

Just be honest with him and how you're feeling and if you can't get past the fact that he has a kid then it's best to let him know now than later as more time keeps on passing by but if he is a good guy and he treats you well and you two have chemistry then don't lose out on that but again bad guy or not you have to be true to yourself and what you want before saying yes to anyone

AviatorTom · Answer

You are the bad guy. You've continued to date him and get serious with him, knowing all along that you would never marry him. Tell him No and let him find the woman for him to marry.

Lliam · Answer

Then definitely tell him that you don't want to get married.

In my opinion, marriage is for the rest of your life. If you can't see yourself being happy spending the rest of your life with him, don't do it. You have no obligation.

You didn't tell him up front that you didn't want to get married. But did he ever tell you up front that he was looking for another wife? Did he even ask you if you wanted to have children?

People who are commenting here are acting like it's a given that dating means seeking a permanent relationship and that it's all your fault for stringing him along.

They don't even know the reason he got divorced from his first wife.

Wasting two years of his life? So being in a happy relationship with someone for two measly years is a waste? I've been in relationships that lasted that long but I didn't feel obligated to marry the girls.

You were happy and he was obviously happy. But it got too serious. Even though you could have been more up front, I don't see you as a bad person.

not_a_gamer_girl · Answer

You dated him long term and seriously enough for him to propose without ever telling him that wasn’t your intention because he has a child? You should have been up front with him from the beginning. You should have never pursued a serious relationship with him knowing that you weren’t going to marry him. You need to tell him no if that’s how you’re feeling, but you are the bad guy in this situation, just like a previous commenter said, and if you really can’t see that then you need to step away from dating and evaluate your maturity and readiness to actually be dating. This is going to hurt him, but he and his child deserve better than someone who would string him along like you have.

JSmuve · Answer

lmao, you were with a guy for two whole fucking years with no intention of being with him or marrying him? What the fuck were you doing with him then? Were you lonely? No other guys around? I mean, jesus christ, if your plan was to have a family of your own with a guy who doesn't already have a kid, then why on god's green fucking earth would you waste this guy's time in a dead-end relationship that he doesn't even know is a dead-end? I mean, you're not young forever. Why would you waste your time? What was the genius plan here?

What you should do is come clean to this poor guy, tell him you never saw this as serious, tell him that he deserves better than you, apologize for wasting his time and manipulating his feelings, and fuck right out of his life. Maybe use your time to actually find a guy who wants you before you turn too old to have a "family of your own" and have only guys who already have kids or guys who don't want kids left. That would be too fucking ironic, but probably what you deserve.

nitsuj86 · Answer

I mean you are kind of a shit person for spending so much time with him, especially if you never mentioned that part where you didn't see it seriously. But you still expected him to be loyal to you, take you on dates, and not fuck other people right?

But disregarding that. Break up with him. If you don't want to date someone with a kid, then don't. But you really shouldn't have done that in the first place if you already knew that right?

Move on, but you should realize that Karma is a bitch, and you definitely got some bad karma coming your way.

Adam1978 · Answer

You shouldn't have entered it in the first place. Not only are you playing with his and his daughter feelings, you are also wasting your time, because it's in the way of your real goal a stand alone family. You are the bad guy, accept it and leave sooner than later and be honest about it.

petitedollbabee · Answer

You continued dating him and let things get serious during those 2 years. You made him falsely believe that you accepted him & his daughter, aswell as gave him false hope of having a future with you. You hid your true feelings and strung him along. Sorry to say, but you are the bad guy, 100%. 2 years don’t magically go by fast. You knew what you were doing, and now that he’s proposed, shit has hit the fan. Break up with him. You’ve toyed with him for long enough, and the longer you drag this out, the more you’ll hurt him. Let him heal from this misleading relationship and let him find a woman who won’t toy with his heart and who will actually accept him & his daughter and want a future with him.

abc3643 · Answer

You wrote:

"But when I first started dating him he told me that he has a daughter. I knew deep down I don’t want to be with someone who has a kid from a prior relationship. I continued to date him , though. I was thinking I could just have some fun by going out with him a few times and I won’t let it get too serious. "

You have no idea how this pisses me off!

I am sure you are a decent young lady, but, inside, I am silently screaming at the top of my lungs: "YOU SELFISH BITCH!"

Why the fuck did you waste his time? and his heart?

... Because "girls just wanna have fun".

In other words, you've just been using him all this time.

>>>>> This is how MGTOWs get created.

Thank yourself for being part of the problem.

Breanna_nonbinary · Answer

My advice is to tell him no. If he’s understanding and patient then he’ll understand and give you all the time you need. If however he get upset and breaks it off with you then you know exactly what type of person he is. You’ll know you dodged a bullet. Although my guess is that if he asking and it’s too soon for you that he really only cares for his own needs. If he can’t sense that you’re not ready then there’s a bigger problem. In which case it might be better to get out now before you realize it’s too late to fix those red flags that you’ve been ignoring.

Sleeper07 · Answer

Should've communicated this boundary from the start.

That being said it's your boundary. You love him, but your social programming tells you what you want.

He's not your boyfriend, he's just a guy you love and have sex with.

So here's my suggestion. The way you get out easy is for him to find what he's looking for, you need to tell him to find another partner as you continue to love him, and when he has it just move on and find what you want.

That way you're not hurt, and he's not hurt or resentful. Because it's a 2 year investment. You're gonna get hurt too, I mean it's 2 fucking years. Now if you have no feelings for him at all, then just bounce. Block him and move on.

cryscrys1 · Answer

You wasted his time. And also gaslighted him.. you should have spoken it out load that it’s for fun not to your mind and thoughts. Lol
Beside don’t forget that life can be unfair too. You can marry someone without kids have your own and get divorced.. single mother! It can happen there is no guarantee in this life beside death. Don’t set up strict rules to your life see if you love him? If you don’t leave.

Horse-girl · Answer

I personally don't think that was very kind of you to do that, why have a boyfriend you don't want to get married to and have a family with. You've led him on, the best thing you can do is tell the truth and let him decide for himself if he wants to stay with you.

Daniela1982 · Answer

I don't get it. What is the point of having a boyfriend unless you are considering your compatibility for a marriage partner? You may as well just be fuck buddies otherwise.

MysteriousDarkness · Answer

You fidwant to be with a guy who slready has a child so you got with a guy knowthey have a child. You then stayed with him for two years even though you want to start a family with a guy who doesn't have children or even a child. You led him on to believe you would make a good stepmother to his child and a good wife for him so he proposed to you. Now youvare hem and hawing around sith giving him sn answer to his marriage proposal. The best you can do is apologize and tell him everything you did wrong and what you really want then let him say his stuff. After that go your separate ways. You will still be the bad person who wasted his time his child's time and your time.

MrOracle · Answer

You ARE the bad guy - you knowingly misled him this entire time. It's too late to avoid being the bad guy. All you can be now is honest with him, and you need to know that it's going to end your relationship, and he's going to be upset. That's just something you've got to face up to. Did you seriously think you'd never have to take responsibility for this?

Elliegirl · Answer

Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but you put yourself in a situation where you’re gonna have to be the bad guy. If you never wanted to marry him, you should have ended the relationship long ago. He’s gonna be devastated, but you have to come clean and be honest and tell him you don’t want to marry him and accept that this is the end of the relationship.

BCRanger10 · Answer

If his having a daughter from a previous relationship was something that bothered you, then you should have either told him that a long time ago or ended the relationship then. This, consequently, is one reason among many why I am entirely and without exception opposed to sex outside of marriage.

You have been using him and stringing him along for two years. How do you get out of this without seeming like the bad guy? You don't.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

You can't. You need to be honest, tell him you were just using him, break up, and yes, you are the "bad guy" here, and he will see that, and he will hate you for it.

Thats whats gonna happen, be it sooner, or later, and there isn't really anything you can do about it.

You are a horrible person for leading him on for 2 weeks, let alone 2 years... time to face the conseqences. 🤷🏻

LazerBean · Answer

You cannot get out of the situation without seeming like the bad guy because you ARE undoubtedly, 100% the bad guy.

thatshydork · Answer

There’s no way of getting out of this without hurting someone. If you stay, you’ll be denying him the right to marry someone who truly loves and wants to marry him and wants to care for his child as their own. If you go, you’ll crush his heart. He’ll heal eventually, but it will hurt him for a while. Situation one is unfair to both of you and situation two would break his heart. We can’t really tell you what to do, only you can decide what’s best.

melanieeeB · Answer

Uhm say no and break up. Easy. You made a huge mistake and now have to carry the consequences

Honestly you should have let him know all that what you told us from the get go, so he could've have made his own decisions if he just wants to have fun too or well leave.

Sour-rose · Answer

"Ey yo, I don't want this. All right?"

I mean i'm sour rose, so I'll say it how it is. You wanna be pissed at me, block me, shoot me, fine. I won't have to deal with the regret of not speaking my mind. Sooo ya know, use something like that to say that you don't want this. If he sees you as the bad guy, so be it. you said what ya said.

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

You're not the bad guy. Shit happens.

Stay in the relationship and let it take it's course. Tell him you don't want to marry someone with a kid, and let him decide what to do.
If he wants to stay with you and keep trying to get you to marry him, that's on him, not you.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

Sorry but I would break up. I feel like this is something that needs to be discussed before starting a relationship with that person. Like kids too for example. Not everyone wants kids. It's the same thing with marriage. You kept him hanging unfortunately so that kind of makes you the bad guy. But even the bad guy can do the right thing.

megabamse · Answer

Huff life is not glitter and sparkles. How is he with his kid? Is that behavior something you can picture you want as a father for your kid? If so then what's the problem? There is no guarantee at all, non what so ever that you will find someone new that is kind and nice, that will be good to you and a good father. You can not choose everything in life, sometimes you simply have to enjoy what you got because there is deep down nothing wrong with what you got.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Out of the kindness of your heart you should do him a favor & breakup with him because he’s looking for something you are unable to help him out with.

The right girl is out there for him & unfortunately it isn’t you.

Sasha0426 · Answer

LMAO 🤣 Good fucking luck. You let this go for two years making him think you two will spend your lives together. And he thought you accepted his daughter when he had no idea you truly felt this way from the beginning. Have fun telling him what your true feelings are.

Paul09 · Answer

The things you religious people do to eachother is baffling. Communication is number one priority! Always! Or it will just cause problems. But if him having a kid is the only problem, yeah thats very weird. Why would you let go of someone just because if that? Is that really the only problem with him?

Anonymous · Answer

if you didn't want to marry him in the future, because of the kid, you should have ended it there... you are causing more heartbreak than is necessary... don't wanna get too serious, yet continues for 2 years... i don't feel sorry for you. just pack up your shit and leave i guess.

Pegases · Answer

Did you ever mention to him that you didn't want to date anyone with a kid? I'm going to guess no, because if he's a self respecting man which he appears to be based on how you've described him, then he wouldn't have entertained you for 3 years.

Anonymous · Answer

You can't get out of this without being the bad guy because that's who you are. You knew the situation, you led him on, and now you are going to cause him endless heartbreak which will take a few years to overcome. . . all because you were selfish and wanted to have some fun. Great work! Just fucking excellent!

LiamJHayden · Answer

It sounds to me like you have behaved selfishly in that you never made it clear to him that you would never marry him. You have, in essence, wasted two years of his life. So in that respect you are the "bad guy."

You get out it by finally being honest about it.

Guanfei · Answer

You're leading him on, keeping him until you find someone else. Not even honest enough to tell him you'll replace him someday, or you don't want to marry him.

Break up with him, he deserves a chance to find someone who won't use him like you do. You're a despicable human being.

Keishio · Answer

You already are the bad guy. You entered the relationship knowing full well it wasn't serious and unless you told him that early on then you've wasted two years of his life leading him on when he could have used that time finding someone who wanted something more serious. You need to break things off as soon as possible and just accept the fact you're in the wrong, not for not wanting to marry him but for not disclosing your feelings at the beginning of the relationship

DermalPunch · Answer

Break up with him . it's indecisive people like you that damage people and make them incapable of trusting people. he wants marriage you don't.

Anonymous · Answer

You can’t. You ARE the bad guy. You entered into the relationship with zero intention of ever having a future with him. He obviously did not, loves you, and was stupid enough to believe that you too wanted a future. Guess he’s the sucker. Ya don’t.

RealMarek · Answer

Just apologize for not ending it sooner and let him know that his child is a dealbreaker for you. Don’t waste more of this unfortunate man’s time. And never have a relationship with a man who is already a father ever again.

Anonymous · Answer

If u kept your boundaries out since day one, then he crossed the line on his own.
I also don’t wanna be in a relationship w someone who’s divorced because if marriage ever came up then it would both be our first - so I hear ya.
Unfortunately you may have to be the bad guy.
But keep in mind, it’s not a “bad guy” thing- it’s a boundary.

RavVid · Answer

Well you are the bad guy and after two years he could think that it is 'together forever' if nothing was said to the contrary. I think you should own it and tell him.

Anonymous · Answer

Lol you’re pathetic. You led this dude on for 2 years. Wow. You need to break up w him. Not going to be easy. Well maybe it will for you since you weren’t considerate of his feelings. Let him go, he deserves better.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

If you don't want him for having a kid from the past, why on earth did you essentially string him along for 2 years?

xColinx · Answer

Just start being honest with him (and yourself) for the first meaningful time in the relationship, and break things off.

Haha456 · Answer

2 years isn't a serious relationship? You just used this guy for his gifts dates and affection

LovingJo · Answer

All you  can  do is be honest. Tell him the reasons why and what you love about him, but he needs to know why you don't think marriage is feasible.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Just be honest with him... the truth of the situation is that you might not want to feel/seem like the bad guy here, but you are.  Best not to beat around the bush.

NostalgiaSenpi · Answer

You can't. You don't want to marry him. Tell him the truth. It's better this way. I'm turning off replies because a certain user wants to argue over the possiblity of hurting them versus the morality of actually being upfront and honest.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

A lot of guys have kids from prior relationships. They just don't know about them, because they never stuck around long enough.

At least this dude actually took responsibility and is involved in his child's life.

FifiJones · Answer

Or he's trying to dump you the nice way by asking a question he knows goes beyond. Have you had sex with him or just been friends?

HighValue · Answer

You should end the relationship. It is unfair to use him like that and waste his time when you know it won't work out long term.

SolitarySolace · Answer

Then break up. What's the point of being boyfriend girlfriend when the goal isn't marriage? I don't plan on ever getting married so I don't date or actively search for a girlfriend.

RohitLakra · Answer

You're doing wrong by misleading him. You knew you don't want to marry but you also knew he wants to, but you are still keepin this thing going on. You're pretty toxic.

AnusNdaPainus · Answer

I don’t know you but I have a feeling in my gut that you’re going to regret this  but just be honest like an adult are you a woman or a little girl?

magiusX26 · Answer

then why did you get with him and stay with him knowing from the beggining that you never really wanted him fully (marriage) . sorry but that us a form of leading someone on and brwaks good men daily.

najekim · Answer

Too late. If you don't want to get married over, a lame excuse, IMHO, him being a single dad, you should never let it get so far along. If you and the daughter get along, then it'll crush her too.

Msputiton · Answer

Be honest.  He will either be cool wit, ir break up with you🤷🏾‍♀️

Wraith_Cemetery · Answer

You were the bad guy for two whole years. End of story.

lightbulb27 · Answer

what do you want to happen? end it for good?

serious · Answer

You have to be honest with him. Mentally if you are not ready you should not take it forward.

My boyfriend proposed but I don’t wanna marry him?

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